Original subtitles

Hey, Piss. You going somewhere?

No. I spent the weekend at Cockroach's house.

I'm your brother, and you didn't even notice I was gone.

Nope. But welcome home.

Come on in my room. I gotta show you something.

Oh, you know I hate going in there. It's okay. I cleaned it up before I left.

That's what's better.

Piss.

Daddy's done it Friday after school.

That's great. It looks fantastic.

And you know what it says?

That I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Wait, Theo, your ear looks red.

If I want to put an earring on my ear, that's my business. Theo, it looks

When people see this, they're going to know they've dealt with a man.

Theo, you better let Dad take a look at it. Let who look at it?

That hurts. I think it's infected.

It is?

Yeah, where'd you have it done?

In Cockroach's garage.

You let Cockroach pierce your ear?

Hey, I'm not crazy.

It was his sister, Tootsie.

Tootsie's in junior high school.

But she does this on the side.

And she only charges 99 cents.

If you don't let Dad take a look at it, it's just gonna get worse.

But this is just an ear.

If Dad finds out, my whole body's in danger.

Hey, I didn't say you could come to my room.

If you are in Theo's room, something is up.

Nothing's up, Vanessa.

Okay, but you know I'm going to find out anyway.

I have my ways.

for your mom and dad after dinner. My folks will not notice. They did the last

time. How?

Because when we cut into it, it was hollow.

Look, my folks are not coming over here to eat. They're coming over here to

spoil the children.

Well, what do you expect? They're grandparents.

Right. Grandparents, all right.

These are not the same people I grew up with. These are the biggest hypocrites

you've ever seen.

No, I'm telling you right now, my father... comes through that door, goes

his pocket, pulls out a handful of money. Well, let's see if Grandad has

money for these wonderful children.

This is the same man who, when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents,

the man would tell me his life story.

This man would tell me how at age five he woke up four o 'clock every morning,

had no alarm clock, had no rooster. just a sense of responsibility.

Snow was up to here, had no shoes, but he walked through a blizzard.

Backwards.

And I talked to other people with fathers and found out that fathers are

lyingest people on the face of this earth.

Now, I have a friend who is Puerto Rican.

His father was brought up in San Juan, walked...

cows. The man he worked for had no bucket.

So he had to squirt the milk into his hand, walk eight miles

through the snow up the hill.

And I'm telling you right now, my mother is the same way, too.

Now, Cliff, your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

I didn't say she wasn't sweet.

this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. Just come in and

kiss your grandmother.

Oh, you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth. But

I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was

a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock her

somewhere.

And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom Come is.

And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into

heaven.

Daddy? Yeah, dear?

Um, what would you do if someone you love swore you to secrecy, but you knew

keeping that secret might not be too good for that person?

Is the person who has sworn to secrecy in this family?

Yeah.

Is the secrecy juicy?

Yeah.

Tell it.

If I tell you, this person's going to hate me for the rest of my life. But,

Denise, if it's for their own good, you have to do it. Okay, I'll give you guys

a clue. That way I can keep my part of the bargain, but you can figure it out

for yourselves.

A clue? Yeah.

Earlobes.

about earlobes. All I'm saying is, does every...

I love it when you do this.

Well, I'll go to the other side.

to what's left of your brain?

No.

Take the headset off, please.

Now? Is there any reason why you shouldn't take...

Get up, can't you?

The holes in my ear and Denise says it might be infected.

Well, she's right.

It is infected.

Come on.

What are you going to do to me?

I am going to fix your ear.

Then what?

You expecting some sort of punishment?

Shouldn't I?

for pregnant women.

I have four daughters and a son. And somehow I thought you would be the

one without the air raid.

Why'd you do it?

Well, Dad, it's yesterday.

It's sort of a sign of independence.

Who's the girl?

Huh?

Who's the girl?

You miss Baker.

Do you love her?

Well, I like her a lot, and she said I look good with an earring. And so now

could wind up with half a head.

Yes, because of the infection.

That's all right, son, because what I have in store for you is going to be

wonderful.

What's that?

Well, I imagine he should be here for dinner in another five minutes.

Dad, not Grandpa.

Because your grandfather, you know, is like the National Enquirer. He loves to

hear the untold story.

Maybe he won't notice.

Oh, I've fixed that also, my boy.

We're going to make it so that he will see it real good.

You're not going to make this easy, are you, Dad?

Hey, I could have put your whole head in a sling.

Oh, you didn't. I most certainly did. My South Carolina multi -layered sweet

potato pie. It's insurance against a certain someone who has a history of

scooping the inside out of pies.

Kids! Grandma and Grandpa are here!

Chris!

Now walk, now walk. Now come on over here and each one give your grandmommy a

big kiss. You are truly the most beautiful children in the world.

President, I think that would be fine, but I really don't think you should pass

out money.

Well, you heard your mother. Well, I guess next time I'll just have to take

all out shopping.

I need some help in the kitchen. Well, I'm going to hold this one hostage.

Mom, I want to stay, too.

Vanessa, Vanessa and I, we're going to be here all evening.

And your mother needs help in the kitchen, okay?

Yep.

I'm not of the yep generation.

Now, when you're answering the affirmative, what do you say to your

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, that's better.

I run along.

delivering all the babies in town.

Yep. Yes, ma 'am.

How was the trip over?

Oh, it was fine till we had to find a parking spot.

I told you that I would pay for you to park in a garage.

Yeah, but at $8 .50, I said, oh, no, sir, I found a large, perfectly legal

less than a mile from here.

By coming in one hour and a half ahead of time, planting himself at the head of

the block, and then waiting for somebody to pull out.

The sitters get the spots.

It's the circlers who have the problems. I mean, the circlers go round and

round, and by the time they finally see something opening up, there's always a

sitter laying claim to it.

Where you going, son?

Yeah, come on in here and say hello to your granddad.

I don't remember him saying hello to me, either. Hi, Grandma.

Hi, son.

a door.

I do that sometimes myself.

Why don't you go help Mama in the kitchen?

Grandma, you want to come?

Sure.

Excuse us. Excuse us.

What really happened to your ears, son?

I walked into a door. Oh, come on. I heard that old walked into a door line

your dad back in 49.

Okay, Grandpa.

I got my ear pierced.

On purpose?

Absolutely.

Your grandson was told by a girl that he would look good

in an earring.

So he went to... Where did you go?

Cockroach's Garage.

Cockroach's Garage.

It was his sister Tootsie.

His sister Tootsie.

Who probably lined him up against the wall and threw a javelin at 60 feet.

I get the picture.

All right, then good.

I'll just let you handle the good part.

Oh, I have no intention of coming down hard on the boy.

You don't? No, young men in love will do crazy things.

When your father was 15.

My dad?

Good for him.

It'll make him feel better about what he did.

I'm not interested in him feeling better, okay?

Sit down.

Now, when your father was 15, he and his friend Lex Thompson,

a boy who was left back twice...

they would straighten their own hair in Lex's cellar.

What?

That's very interesting.

It all started when he took a pretty young lady to the old Earl Theater and

a group called the Icicles with Breezy Brown.

Now, Breezy Brown had straightened his hair. Well, most of the singers

straightened their hair back then. And your father's date went wild.

Now, right then and there, he decided he was going to lose it if he didn't form

a singing group and straighten his hair.

You got that for a girl?

One particular girl.

You see, son, in those days, people used to straighten their hair with a

solution called concoline.

Well, it cost money, and your father was flat broke at that time, so he and Lex

mixed up their only solution.

Potato peels, corn syrup, and a touch of nitroglycerin.

Then this man, a future doctor,

had it poured slowly over his head.

Well, what happened?

Burned all my hair.

It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. He shot out of there like a bull. pushed

Lex's dog aside and tried to stick his head in the dog's water dish.

He must really like that girl.

Well, whatever happened to her?

She's in the kitchen now.

Mom, you burned all the hair off your head for mom?

You're going to need some money.

Well, in that case, would you tell her?

It would be my pleasure. Claire?

What is the craziest thing that a certain young man, I'm not naming any

did to impress you?

Oh, you mean that time Cliff decided to straighten his hair?

Well, he tried, but it all fell out.

Thank you very much.

So you remember that kind of fondly? Oh, I'll never forget it. Well, your son,

for the love of a pretty young lady, has done something a little foolish

himself. Now promise me you won't get mad.

Okay, I promise.

He had his ear pierced. I'll kill him. Now hold on. Now wait a minute. The boy

made it. mistake. In that respect, he's a lot like his father. Many's the time I

pulled him out of trouble, predicament after predicament.

But I was patient and understanding and tolerant.

Roscoe, how could you tell a story like that?

When Heathcliff came home with a sizzling scalp, you were not very

understanding.

especially considering the little matter of a certain tattoo.

Tattoo? What tattoo is she talking about?

No, dinner won't be ready for a while. I'll have some cheese.

Now, I really don't think that is an appropriate issue to discuss in front of

the family.

Hey, Cliff, when your father was Theodore's age, he was enamored of me to

an extent...

that he had my name tattooed across his chest.

He did what? When I heard what Russell had done, I was enormously flattered.

Until I saw my name was misspelled.

Now, as I understood it, he went to the best tattoo man in the county, Hot

Needle Harris.

It was February, the middle of February.

And Russell had a terrible cold.

So when he went to Hot Needle and told him to write Anna, his nose was clogged

up and it sounded like Adda.

A -D -D -A.

At that time, my chief rival for Russell's affection was a girl named

Waters. Oh, yeah.

She was a little girl in the...

road, and she thought that the sun didn't shine until she woke up.

Of course, I insisted that he remove the tattoo, and that left a scar on his

chest.

You told me that you got that scar in

Fighting off a German Nazi Panzer attack.

Son, that was the best way I could think of to describe what I went through when

your mother saw that tattoo.

I'm shocked.

Most women are crazy.

Yes. But we always...

the things you do, despite them.

Theodore, welcome to the club.

The three huckstable men, Scar Chess, Skinhead, and Holden the

Lord.

The Cosby Show is taped in front of a live studio on air.