Original subtitles

Cliff, what are you doing?

Ah, just celebrating the morning off, dear.

Cliff, it's six o 'clock. Good. That means I've only used up a half hour.

Oh, that looks good.

Wait until I put on the gooseberry kiwi jam.

Are you going to share?

Nope.

Thanks a lot.

Eat up.

You're beautiful,

you know that?

To kiss you until it's time for you to go to work. But I'll be late. Yes,

but at least you'll go to work with a smile on your face.

Yes, but every time I go to work with a smile on my face, everybody knows why

I'm late.

Oh, well, I guess I could always sneak in the back way.

You fool, there is no back way.

Come here a second.

It's early in the morning, honey. You know that lovely book that Dad bought

with the pictures and some of the words?

Why don't you go read that in your room, okay?

Okay.

Bye -bye.

And now... Now,

I was kicking you until it's time for you to go to work. Look at Cliff!

That you got a rip in your pajamas.

You're kidding.

Well, there goes.

Honey, why are you always wearing these old pajamas?

Because they're comfortable. I like them. But why don't you ever wear the

ones I bought you for Father's Day?

You gave me those silk pajamas. I don't like silk because I feel like I'm

sliding around in them.

You know, you never wear that bathrobe I bought you for Father's Day either. You

want to know about that bathrobe? It's so short, I feel like a Roman soldier.

You don't come to think of it. You never wear...

What are your Father's Day gifts?

The reason why I don't wear them, dear, is because when you go to get me

presents, you go to get me things that you want to see me in. You don't get me

things that I like.

That's not true.

Yes, it is true.

You see, Father's Day has been like that for a long, long time. There are

fathers all over the world who get presents that they can't use and don't

No, I'm serious. From day one, when Eve... Steve and the boys gave Adam the

first soap on the room.

I'm not kidding.

Listen, I'm going to tell you, I have a closet here that is full of presents

that they sell only on one holiday, Father's Day.

Now look at this. I got a chest full of stuff here, and I save these things

because I know that one day I will be about 70 years old, and my children will

come. to me and say where's the gifts i gave you for palsy and if i don't have

them they'll beat me up look at this see these ties none of them go with any

suit i have i have deodorants here enough to have me smelling like anybody

want to meet pipe tobacco i do not smoke a pipe my

children have never seen me smoke a pipe and the child that gave me this pipe

tobacco

didn't buy me a pipe.

On top of that, the child didn't even wrap it, just took a magic marker and

wrote Dad on it.

Also, I have the famous soap on the rope, which I have never learned to use

properly because if you have to do your piece, I'm not going to get up here yet.

Oh, come here. Oh, look at this.

I have to get up here.

Try to put this on. Oh, no. I have plenty of things that will light up, and

have no idea. I'll put this on. Put that one on. Get those. You know, I have

suspenders over there that Sonny gave me. I don't know what the child was

drinking at the time.

Oh, yes. Oh, okay.

This. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love this because the little men's eyes

light up.

You know, I tell you, this is more fun.

We ought to do this in the morning. Hope none of the children see us.

Oh, boy. How am I looking?

Great. You know, I love it when you dress me. Oh, sure.

Boy, oh, boy.

Now, oh, oh, let's not forget this.

Oh, Theo gave me this time.

Isn't this wonderful?

Am I looking wonderful or what?

Oh,

yeah, the yo -yo.

Am I looking wonderful?

Are these serious presents?

I'm telling you, last year I sat in the living room all Father's Day.

Children walked past. Hi, Dad. Nice to see you. Hello, Dad.

Somewhere around 4 o 'clock, somebody said, is the mall still open?

Oh, it's not that bad. Look, Claire, I'm telling you, it is that bad.

mothers know how to work Mother's Day, see?

First thing mothers do is they tell the children how they carried them all that

time and then they say to the children, and I better get good presents because

you know who gave me these blue veins in the back of my head?

I do not do that. And that's why you all get great presents, Claire, because you

all promote yourselves better. But if I don't say anything, you look at me.

Now, I'm going to show you something.

You think I'm kidding.

This is one of the highlights of my life.

You know what your problem is?

You like school.

You'd go on weekends if you could.

And you'd do anything to get out of it. Like the time you asked Mom if you could

stay home for the Jewish holidays.

Hey, we're all brothers.

Because I want to talk to all of you about Father's Day.

Father's Day?

Yes. It's two weeks before Christmas. I'm giving you six months' notice.

I want better presents.

Hey, wait a minute. Last year we chipped in with Mom and we got you that

Walkman. And I enjoyed watching my Walkman walk around with you all.

I want something for me.

Yes, you did.

And hugs and kisses.

I love them to death.

Daddy, it's hard to shop for you on Father's Day. Why?

Because it's so close to your birthday.

Father's Day is June 16th. My birthday is in October.

Yeah, Dad, but that's two presents pretty close together.

It could wipe you out.

Dad, if you plan well, last year I found a shirt and...

The shirt was too small.

And then Rudy took my tie and used it for a jump rope.

Dad, it's really not nice to demand presents from your children.

All I'm asking you all to do is think.

Think.

Think about what?

I don't know.

About who I am and what I am. You all have lived with me.

You've got six months.

Send away for catalogs. Go to trade shows.

Look around.

And maybe if you see two things and you're confused about which one to get,

don't torture yourself.

Get them both.

Yeah, but Dad, are you serious about this?

Look at me.

Looking like this? No.

See? There's the difference. I would.

I would go outside looking like this. Why? Because my children bought this for

me, and I love them.

Now, one day, you're going to become a father, and you're going to get all of

these things for Father's Day. Why?

Because I'm coming over to your house, and I'm selling these to your children.

Dad, I'd like to get you better things, but I just don't have the money. I'm not

talking about a lot of money. I'm not talking about an apartment building or a

trailer home. Just a simple bouquet of flowers.

Okay, I'll get you flowers.

No, Dad, I understand.

And, Dad, sorry about that tie.

It's all right, son. Somewhere there's a suit that goes with this tie.

But don't get the suit!

You know, Dad's right.

We haven't done a very good job for Father's Day.

Yeah. Mom once gave me $20 to buy him a present.

I bought myself a bracelet for $16 and got him some $4 cufflinks.

Come on, you guys. Don't be so hard on yourselves.

All kids are like that on Father's Day. Well, I think we could be the first kids

in history to actually get our father something he could really use.

Yeah, we'll be like pioneers.

Why don't we start looking today?

Are you kidding?

Come on, Denise. It's a great idea.

That's Mom. She'll take us shopping after school today. I'm getting them

balls and I don't care what they...

I don't know why I should look tired. I've only spent the last three hours

carrying four kids in and out of every store in New York City.

Mom, you've got to get psyched.

You've got to think of the look on Dad's face when he gets the perfect gift.

May I help you?

Where are your tennis balls?

We don't carry tennis balls, honey.

Schmidauer's is more of a specialty store.

We're looking for some gifts for my husband. Did you have something in mind?

would you like me to show you some of our more popular Christmas items?

Oh, this is for Father's Day.

Avoiding the rush?

Well, I think we'll just brown.

Hey, excuse me. How much is this?

$299 .50.

For a tool kit?

It is the complete home tool kit.

Now, I saw the same thing on TV for $19 .95.

The tools are $19 .95. The Schmidauer name is $280.

I'll just take the tools.

They're not sold separately.

Hey, you're not getting him tools.

I was thinking about it.

If you do, he's going to start fixing things all over the house.

That's what he likes to do.

He also likes to have you help him.

Theo, in this box are your weekends.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

What is this?

Oh, that is a foot -warming bag.

Do you think my dad would like it?

Keep looking.

Good girl.

Oh, I see you found the Schmidauer compact fishing kit.

Well, my husband is always talking about going fishing. I got one for my

husband, and he's very happy with it. Fishing relaxes him.

Oh, that's just what Cliff could use.

Albert's gotten to be a real fisherman. Sometimes he'll catch a dozen fish.

Great. Yes, it is.

Until he brings them home.

I don't think we're going to take this.

Hey, Mom, what do you think?

It's an automatic potato peeler. Now, you know, that's not a bad idea. He

making hash browns. How much?

$54 .50.

Now, I saw the same thing on TV for $19 .95.

And he threw in a set of knives.

Oh, come on, Theo. It probably wasn't the same potato peeler.

Maybe we should go to another store.

Maybe we should call this whole thing off and your father should wait for

Father's Day just like everybody else. Now, wait a minute.

You are a nice lady, and you're obviously a family in panic. Now, I have

here many years. I can help you.

Well, we certainly could use it. No problem.

I like your kids.

And I hope you all come back in June when you do your Christmas shopping.

Dr.

Huxtable? Oh, Mrs. Lee. I brought my husband in so you can talk to him.

Ben, this is Dr. Huxtable. Dr. Huxtable, this is my husband, Ben. Ben, how are

you? Nice meeting you. Good.

Well, I'll wait outside so you two can get to know each other.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you. Would you like some coffee?

Sure. Cream, no sugar. Cream, no sugar.

Well, your wife is healthy.

You must be a very proud man.

Yeah. We've been waiting for this baby for a long time, Doc.

You must be tickled. You got kids?

Oh, yeah. Five.

All right.

Keep them barefoot and pregnant.

Barefoot and pregnant.

I'm an old -fashioned kind of guy, Doc.

I thought they died out a long time ago.

I've done a lot of things, Doc.

Four years in the Marines.

Two years up on the pipeline.

There's nothing like having a pregnant wife to really prove your manhood.

Prove your manhood. I told the wife.

I want to have a large family, lots of kids, and every one of them is going to

know that I am the boss.

Well, Mr. Lee, the only problem with that is that the more kids you have, the

more people who will tell you that you are not the boss.

Doc, I'm telling you, I'm the boss.

Mr. Lee, I used to think that I was going to be the boss.

I don't know how I lost it.

I don't know where I lost it.

I don't think I ever had it.

Well, look, that's not going to happen to me.

Okay. Now, when you go back home with your wife and you stand in the living

room, I want you to say, I don't like these drapes. I don't like these drapes.

Then I want you to go over to the telephone, pick it up, and order new

Well... Now, you can't do it, can you? No.

Why? We have clients.

But now, you've got to understand.

that the days of being the boss, the barefoot and pregnant, I mean, that's 30

years ago. The old -fashioned man is out. There's more to this relationship

being the boss. You're not the boss. She won't be the boss.

The boss will be that baby.

I've been married 20 years, Mr. Lee, and each day my wife and I grow closer and

closer together, mainly because we're afraid of the children.

Across the street? Yeah, I'll wait here. Yeah, it's 18 degrees.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Here, take this. Be warm.

I mean, what is going on? Oh, Chris, come on. The kids wanted to surprise you

for Father's Day.

They did.

They went out today and bought me presents?

They went out shopping all afternoon from store to store.

I have great kids.

Yes, you do.

What did you get me? Oh, no, no, no, no.

Quick.

Okay.

Put this around your neck. Right.

Okay, get outside and wait till I call for you. Is Ralph Edwards going to be

here? You get out of here.

Okay, kids, hurry up. Come downstairs right away.

No, but I think he'll be here at any moment. Man, this is going to be great.

wonderful okay okay ah

boy okay

to a great dad on father's day

even though it isn't love vanessa hope you like it oh you know i

Nothing like this.

Dad, you know how you always ask me what's it like out there. Well, this is

going to tell you.

Uh -huh.

Thank you.

This is you.

All right.

Dear Daddy, it's not a tie.

slippers, Dad.

You know, when you have to go outside in the morning and get the paper when it's

raining? Uh -huh. Now all you have to do is this.

Rubber.

Cliff, no gift could ever equal what you've given to all of us. Love,

Claire.

Oh, no.

It's an early edition of the debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen

Douglas. Oh, this is great.

Thank you.

You know, these are the greatest Christmas presents I've ever gotten for

Father's Day.

And the thing about it is you all...

Did it by thinking.

Thank you.

The Cosby Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.