Original subtitles

Mrs. Ramos is here.

She's not due here till next week. What?

Okay, send her in.

Mrs. Ramos.

Doctor, it's been nine months and a week. Take it out now.

Mrs. Ramos, you have to be patient.

Doctor, I feel like I'm going to explode.

I've never had a patient explode on me.

the hospital to have it right now. Come on. No, no, no, no, you can't go now. I

want you to just have a sit down. Just have a sit down, Mr. Ramos, please.

I can't.

Oh, I know what you mean. Here, look, just do like this. I understand.

You just come, put your hands here.

Hands down.

There you go. Now lower it.

Lower. There you go.

Nice. You feel a little better?

Mm -hmm. Now let me tell you something.

You're ready and I'm ready.

The hospital is always ready.

But he or she is not ready. And that's the boss.

We go when the boss wants to go.

Does this baby know what it's doing to me?

When this baby is 13 years old, you tell this baby what it did, and you will

get the best Mother's Day present you've ever got in your life.

Okay?

Doctor, you're a nice man. Thank you.

You're a handsome man. Thank you. And you're full of it.

Okay, you feel better? I feel better now, thank you. Good enough.

And I'll see you next week.

Hopefully sooner. Hopefully sooner.

Bye -bye. Bye.

Hello. Hi.

Is this one yours?

I don't think so.

Because one of mine would not come downstairs without my permission.

Bye.

Hi, Dad.

Now, Vanessa, you know the rules. You are not to come down here when I am

working. Dad, I came down here because I'm worried about you. Worried about me?

Chase was talking to Theo just now, and you know what she was saying? She was

saying that whenever her boyfriends come over, you're just too rough on them.

Rough? I'm just telling you what I heard. Make yourself comfortable.

She said that one boy came over, he was standing right there in the room, and

you asked Mom, how ugly is he?

Well, the boy was ugly.

And what about the boy that came over? You made fun of his haircut.

That boy had shaved a landing strip.

across the top of his head.

Hey, I think it's funny, too.

But let me ask you this.

When was the last time you got to meet one of Denise's boyfriends?

The landing strip.

There's been a couple more since him.

So what'd you come down here for?

Because Denise has a new boyfriend.

He's really neat and he's smart.

He's an absolute fox.

Everyone in the family's met him except you.

Even Theodore.

Theodore's met him, and I haven't. I'm afraid so.

Dad, I hope this wasn't snitching. I'm really trying to cut down.

What is it? A new video by the maniacs.

If you understood the maniacs, you wouldn't have to ask questions.

I told you I didn't want you looking at that trash.

All it is is a nightmare put to music.

If you understood the maniacs, you wouldn't say that.

I understand from an inside source that Denise has a new boyfriend.

I'm not talking.

So you're sworn to secrecy, huh?

All I want is his name.

Dad, please don't do this to me. Denise will kill me.

Well, you're going to tell me his name because everybody knows you can't keep a

secret. Look at your face.

It's sliding out of your face.

looking, too.

So you met him?

Yes.

Rudy's met him? Vanessa's met him? Theo's met him?

She's hiding him from me, isn't she? Now, why would she do that?

Because she thinks I'm too rough on him. But I'm not.

Well, of course you're not.

But does any of this sound familiar?

How ugly is he?

Who is his parole officer?

Basically, you are rough.

No, I am not that rough, honey.

Well, what are you?

Well, the way I see it is I'm like Old Yeller.

You know that movie, Old Yeller, where the dog protected the home? It's my job

to protect the home, so I have to bark.

Now, boys come by the house, and I bark.

Pretty soon... Boys come by and they say, Old Yeller lives up there.

And all I'm saying is that some good ones come by and some bad ones come by.

that's who I am. Old Yeller, that's my job.

Cliff, you know at the end of that movie, they shot Old Yeller.

Tomorrow is, tomorrow was, tomorrow shall be an eternity. Love, David.

I want to meet David.

We broke up.

No, no, no, no. Now, listen to me. I understand that I've been rough.

And for that, I'd like to apologize. But I've heard some good things about

David. So, let me ask you a question.

How ugly is he?

No, no, look. That's all over. I'm telling you.

What do you think about bringing him over for dinner Friday night? No way.

Oh, come on. No.

You don't. know your father. Now, I'm telling you, if I promise you I'll

then you bring him over and you will see a man who is as gracious and as

courteous and you will look and you'll say, is that my father?

Honest.

Okay, we'll eat in the dining room.

You never get to eat in the dining room. That's right.

We'll have dinner in the dining room. I'll break out the best china. We will

have linen napkins to dab the corner of our mouth.

And it will be a totally adult evening.

Oh, right.

With Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy.

No. No one under 16 admitted.

Hey.

I'll go call David.

Okay. All right.

office at 5 o 'clock on a Friday with a brief for me to rewrite.

Well, stop!

Look!

And smell!

Oh, my!

Cliff Salisbury's State Delight. Red beans and rice. Turn it out with a turn

green. Uh -oh.

And what is that?

Cliff's own deep dish sweet potato cobbler.

The kitchen... Is spotless. Is spotless. You thought you would come home and

find Gunga Din, didn't you?

I did. I'm sorry. Don't look out there.

Oh, man.

Now, why is there a pile of dirty pots and pans in the backyard?

Because it came down to either scrubbing the pots or spending an hour with

Denise while she picked out my wardrobe.

She took a flashlight and went into my closet and found out where I hid my

Father's Day presents.

Mom, you're late. Is that what you're wearing? Is dinner ready? I know Vanessa

and Vinny are not going to come downstairs, are they, Daddy?

Listen, just be cool. The food is beautiful. Your mother is beautiful. I

Lum and Abner, put them in their room, and nailed the door shut.

Hey, just be... I got it.

Dad, please, let me answer the door alone.

face that needs to be mine. Well, where do you want my face?

Right there, okay?

Forever? Daddy?

How am I doing so far?

Hello.

Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

I am.

You know my mom.

Nice to see you again, Mrs. Huxtable. Hello, David.

And this is my dad, Dr. Huxtable.

It's very nice to meet you, sir. Nice to meet you, David. I understand you're a

big fan of Tony Taylor?

Oh, yeah, Tony Cleanhead Taylor, yeah.

Do you have this one?

Tony Cleanhead Taylor live at the Bohemian Caverns. I thought you might

borrow it and make a tape of it. Well, thank you very much. I think I'll play

this right now. Tony Cleanhead Taylor.

I mean, Taylor, he did things then that people today still can't understand.

Nobody can touch him, huh?

Hey, David.

Hey, Theo.

Dad, what's this?

That's Tony Cleanhead Taylor. He's a genius.

A genius at what?

Man, you like this stuff?

Just give it a chance, Theo.

Hey, uh, did I ask you to turn the music off?

No. But you turned the music off.

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be nice if you asked me to turn the music off?

Dad, can I turn the music off? Yes. Thank you.

Uh, my socks?

Don't be embarrassed. I do it myself sometimes.

I'm not embarrassed.

To me, matching socks is just a rule of society that doesn't make sense.

So, uh, you did that on purpose?

Absolutely. I never matched my socks.

You know, I listened to Taylor all through college.

What college did you go to, sir?

Went to Hillman. How about yourself?

Any thoughts on college?

Well, I've already gotten into Harvard, Vanderbilt, Stanford, and Duke.

You go over by him.

You've applied to some fine schools.

Well, I haven't applied, Dr. Huxtable.

They came to me.

And what school are you going to choose?

I'm not.

See, I'm not going because, frankly, Dr. Huxtable, I don't believe in grades.

You do?

Usually...

People who don't believe in grades do so because of the grades they're getting.

I get all As.

But what is an A? I mean, what does it really mean?

Yeah!

See, I've been reading Socrates, and he believed that true learning comes from

just observing the world.

Where can I get that book?

You don't read, son.

Maybe there's a movie about it.

Why don't you go on upstairs and do your homework?

But, Dad, what does homework really mean?

It could mean a lot of pain if you don't do it.

See you, David.

Man, love those socks.

So, if you're not going to college, then what are you going to do?

Well, I thought I'd spend some time just trying to find myself.

How much time do you think it will take?

About five or ten years.

Well, you'll be able to find yourself plus a couple more people.

Dinner is served. Dinner, all right.

Dinner.

So, how do you like him?

I don't know if that's him or not. He hasn't found himself.

The entree, Dr.

Huxtable's Salisbury Steak Deluxe.

I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.

The boy does not eat meat.

I'm a vegetarian.

I didn't know that.

Well, we have lots of red beans and rice.

I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.

Oh, that's all right. We can take the rice and burn it for you.

be plenty, thank you. Okay.

Yeah, I think I'll just look down at myself.

Well, good. Then it'd be more for us.

The reason why I became a vegetarian is all the studies I've read confirm that

many illnesses can be traced to the consumption of meat.

Mrs. Huxtable and I love to live dangerously.

Well, nothing personal, Dr. Huxtable, but I'd expect that answer from a

See, the medical establishment has always done a poor job of stressing the

between diet and good health.

I understand that you're a real theater buff. Yeah, one of my passions.

Well, I just love Dream Girl.

Dream Girl.

David is very bothered by the gross commerciality of contemporary theater.

Well, all I know is we left that theater humming the tunes and feeling fine,

didn't we, Cliff?

And I think the medical profession has done a good job in stressing the link

between diet and health.

We obviously disagree on that and probably on a lot of other things about

medical profession.

Maybe this isn't the time or the place to discuss them. Nonsense.

Now, what's on your mind?

Don't you think a lot of doctors overcharge people?

For example, how much does it cost for a family to have a baby?

Well, it depends on the situation.

I've read that doctors charge four times the amount a midwife does to do the

same job.

Well, that's because the midwife does not have the expertise or equipment that

have in case problems arise.

So all that extra money you charge really protects the patient in case

some complications, right?

Absolutely. And if there aren't any complications, do you give the money

Yeah. I think that that salad needs a little bit more dressing on it. No, the

salad doesn't need anything. Yes, it does. And I need you to help me bring

the main course. Excuse me, sir. Certainly.

Claire?

Claire, don't ask me to go back in there. I'm sitting at my dinner table

kid who cannot find himself.

who is going to find fault with me. Come on, Cliff. He wasn't finding fault with

you. He was just asking questions because he's an intelligent kid.

He's an arrogant Twilight Zone.

Cliff, it's not going to be that much longer. They said they have to leave at

nine to see a movie.

You take me back in there, and I warn you, you are dangling raw meat in front

Old Yeller.

You see, you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

Now.

That's the best conversation that dining room has seen in years. I'm going back

in there, and you are coming with me, so you just be cool.

I hope you're not mad at what I said

about doctors.

This is the best conversation this dining room has had in years. The

have always enjoyed good conversation.

We have?

What should we talk about now? Politics?

Poetry? Art?

I hear you're an attorney, Mrs. Huxtable. The law.

How can you work in a profession where you defend people you know are guilty

just so you can collect your paycheck?

Well, David, according to the 14th Amendment, everyone is entitled to due

process. I'd expect that answer from a lawyer.

What I really don't understand...

What I really don't understand, Mrs. Huxtable, is why do you divide your time

between pursuing your career and raising your family?

I don't think I understand your point.

The point is your husband makes a tremendous amount of money. Shouldn't

stay at home with the kids?

That is a sexist statement, young man. Why don't you ask Dr. Huxtable that same

question?

Let's go get some rolls or something.

Come up with another point.

How dare he?

Little scraggly -legged pup.

Come in here and park his feet underneath my dining room table and tell

I am not a good mother?

Oh, dear, he's just an intelligent boy.

Don't you start with me this evening. Now, listen to me. You know Old Yeller?

Well, after he died, they made a sequel, Mrs.

Old Yeller.

And Mrs. Old Yeller, she was worse than Old Yeller. Because all Old Yeller did

was he just barked. He just did... But Mrs. Old Yeller, Mrs.

Old Yeller said... And she bit people.

Mom, Dad, there may be a long line at the movie, so we're going to go now.

It was nice to meet you. Yes, sir. Mrs. Huxtable was great.

Hey.

Heel.

Heel. Heel.

Heel.

Heel.

Heel smart.

Oh, boy, I sure do love this.

I would say so. That's your third bowl.

This is one of...

The best mistakes I've ever made in my life.

Hi.

Hi, how was the movie?

Okay. What'd you see?

South Dakota.

The western with Rory Calhoun? No, Daddy, this movie was about South

know, David is crazy. He comes up with the strangest ideas.

David? You mean the wonderful fellow we had dinner with tonight?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's about this guy who moves down to South Dakota to live off the land.

Only has his wife to pull the plow for him. But he wants to farm more acres.

So he marries more wives.

That's about the fourth wife.

David turns to me and says, no, I can really get into this.

I just got... I'll take a look, see if she's here.

Huh?

Daddy, tell him I'm not home. Tell him that he's rude and he doesn't understand

women. Now, first of all, you spent all this time telling me I'm too rough on

your friends. Now you're telling me to tell your friends... No, I'm not doing

anything. You got something to say to this fella? You tell him. Mom, your

is right. This is between you and David.

Okay, I'll take it upstairs.

David, I think I've located her.

Hold the phone just one second.

Denise! Yeah?

Telephone!

Okay, thanks, Dad. I got it.

Dave's coming to the phone right now.

There she is. Okay. See you, David.

The Cosby Show is videotaped in front of a live studio audience.