Original subtitles

What did you see?

Hey, sugar.

Oh, you are cute.

You are the cutest baby I have ever seen.

What about me?

You're the funniest looking baby I've ever seen.

Well, now, Rudy, now, most babies look a little funny when they're new. Mommies

and daddies don't even know them.

Well, brothers and sisters do.

We also take this to see you, Rudy. No, dear.

That was to see you.

His name is Jonathan. Would you like to hold him? No, he might go on.

Can we watch me?

Well, his mother fed him before she left.

Well, maybe he'd like to watch us eat. Can we have a snack?

All right, but a small one. I'm having a donut.

Me too.

You always have what I have.

So do you.

Cliff? Cliff, look who's here.

Now, you know this one.

Remember?

Did we go to college together?

You delivered him last month. This is Janice Harper's baby. Well, what

Janice didn't want it, and she brought it back?

Janice wanted to get her hair done. I said I'd babysit. Uh -huh. Oh, Cliff.

Look at that little round face.

And that soft, silky hair and the little soft butt.

Oh, and that special baby smell.

Sour milk.

Oh, just holding them sets off these strange stirrings inside, and I wonder

don't want another one.

Let me help you. You don't.

Cliff, it's a miracle.

Dear, we have five miracles.

Smell it.

Cliff, get out of here. That's not the interior of some new automobile.

Come on, Cliff. You know you love babies.

We'd bring one home, and you'd spend hours just looking at it. Yeah.

Yeah, and then you'd hold out your finger and you'd grab hold so tight and

laugh. And then there was always your favorite line.

Look, Claire, I can put her whole foot in my mouth.

Yeah, but you can only hold that foot in there for so long and then the toes

start moving all around and the fun is over.

Let's just think about it. No.

Suppose I want one.

Then you can try having one without me.

Come on, Claire, smell it. I know.

Well, smell that, baby. Listen to me, please.

This thing is a trap. This thing can sell anything.

But you must also remember that this grows up.

And it gets high marks on the IQ test, but gets D's in school.

This grows up and takes the car driving all around the city, has no license.

then you don't want another one. Listen, Claire, there are times, and there

aren't many, when I don't even want the ones we have now.

No, no, no, no, no.

Rudy, our little Rudy.

One day, she's going to be gone, and then I will have my wife back.

Well, Cliff, I'm not so sure that this feeling's going to go away.

Well, you just tell it to go away.

Well, I can't do that because it's a very deep feeling.

I want you to say to it deeply, go away.

I'm not so sure that's going to work, but we'll talk about it later. Right now

have to take the baby home. Good.

And don't you come back anymore.

You're a troublemaker.

Hey, Dad.

What did I do?

You used to smell good.

Mom took the baby back.

Well, didn't she like it? She liked it too much.

Well, why did she take it back?

Well, because if your mom wants to have a baby, she's going to have to make it

herself. You can just bring one home. No more.

Mom's having another baby?

Uh, no, she's just thinking about it, dear. Do we want another one?

I like the one that was here.

Another baby?

Look, she's just thinking about it.

We're not voting about dinner.

What is this, a dictatorship?

What are we voting for?

We're not voting for anything.

It is a dictatorship. It's too early to talk about it, okay?

About what?

Mom had a baby.

Mom's pregnant?

No, Mom is not pregnant.

Daddy, but you and Mom are getting up there.

You say that to say what?

She means you're old.

She doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

And you do.

Hey, I don't think you're old.

Daddy, it's not like I think you're decrepit or anything.

It's just that when older people have babies, it's kind of embarrassing.

I mean, there are people.

I happen to know.

who are much older than your mother and I, and they have become parents.

Now, if your mother and I decide... to have a

baby, I am quite sure that we will not go into the Guinness Book of World

Records.

Hey, why don't you wait?

We should have waited with you.

Your mother and I have not made up our minds. We just don't know. Now, is that

okay with you guys?

Good. What's that for?

Nothing. No, no, you got some teenage words of wisdom to spew out?

Nothing, Daddy. It's your life.

Just don't blow it.

I'm glad you didn't hold back.

I'm home!

Now, look, your mom is here.

I want you guys to just act normally, all right?

Huh. Hey!

They

just

love to look at you, dear.

So do I.

at the supermarket. Look at this.

Diapers?

Wait till you see how they improve them. I promised you five years ago we had

nothing like this. Now watch this.

You can pull this thing open and peek inside.

This won't take long. I just want you to meet someone.

Hello, Mrs. Burke.

Well, have you gained weight since I was gone?

This is Mrs. Burke. This is my wife, Claire. Hi. Hello. Nice to meet you,

Claire. Mrs. Burke is a regular.

And Mrs. Burke is 43 years old. Please, doctor.

Please. My wife is up there, too.

Oh, thank you.

Well, now, wait a minute. I'm older than everybody in this room. So why don't

you all just sit down here.

Now. Mrs. Burke, would you please tell my wife how many children you have?

Twelve.

Twelve. And you're back again?

Yep.

Thirteen.

Thirteen times.

Thirteen. Yes.

Mrs. Burke, may I ask you a question? Oh, sure.

Take your time, dear.

Well, forgive me for being personal.

Oh, where did you get that dress?

Well, children, how do you do it? Well, I take care of myself, of course.

And you know, the children keep me young.

Seems like the more I have, the younger I feel. Okay, that's it for today.

I'm very busy, Elvis.

Do you have time to call? Oh, I would love to. No, dear, you don't have time.

You have to go to work.

Just let me call my babysitter.

Babysitters.

That woman.

Thirteen. I know. Did you see how she looks? Incredible.

That's not a wrinkle. She's laughing. She's got to laugh.

That woman has a baseball team with four pinch hitters.

Absolute inspiration.

Dear Mrs. Berg, once had five. You could beat her eight children from now.

Well, I hope I look that good.

Oh, thanks for introducing us.

It was a good idea at the time.

And so the wolf said, Little pig, little pig, let me in,

let me in.

You like that voice?

No.

Why? He did it different before.

Well, that was a different wolf.

It's the same story.

You know, you're right. That was the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood. The

for the little pigs, you put your finger on my nose, remember?

Now, go ahead. Give a little squeak. Be gentle now. Okay, here we go.

All right, let go now, because this wolf

has a cold.

Dad, can we talk?

Uh, yeah.

Here. What about the story?

All right, don't worry. Here, you just use this as a bookmark, and we'll get

back to it. Go ahead.

Your mother and I may not have a baby, but I certainly do hope that you have

something waiting in reserve to worry about.

Yeah, Dad.

I mean, what if you do have it? You are determined to be unhappy, aren't you?

My friend Deidre has a new baby, and she says it's horrible.

It cries for no reason at all.

And, Dad, babies do not smell that good all the time.

Forget about a baby and get a dog? I mean, dogs smell great.

No, they don't.

Well, they smell better than babies do.

Only to other dogs.

Now, come here, please, dear.

Now, no matter what else comes into this house, you will always be loved by us.

You understand?

Now, I know you worry, you complain, you see problems where there are no

problems whatsoever.

But that's the great thing about you, because you know why?

You are our Vanessa.

Understand? I love you, Daddy. It makes me feel real happy. Yes, and I know this

feeling shall pass.

Who's that?

I asked Mama to come over. Oh, really?

Claire?

Claire! My favorite mother -in -law.

Not me.

Have a sit down, Mom.

Oh, well, Mom and I are going to talk in the kitchen woman to woman. Woman to

what? Is your mother going to have a baby, too?

Come on, Mama, let's go.

Claire, what's the matter? I don't know. You tell me.

Finish my homework, Dad.

You read my mind.

Now, are you ready to lose?

you better be ready to burn those sad sneakers you have.

Hey, Grandma.

You don't see us. This is not us. You think you see us, but that's because you

miss us so much.

So, what's going on?

Mama, yesterday I touched a baby.

Is that all?

Well, I think I might want another one. What happened? You held it, huh?

Uh -huh. And you smelled it? Uh -huh, Cliff.

Well, he wouldn't smell it.

Smart. Oh, come on.

Now, this is serious now. I'm not an impetuous person, but when you give me a

little tiny baby and it's so soft and so warm and I... You understand.

Yes, it's the trap.

You too, huh?

Look, Claire, what you're going through is not new.

You know, when you and Cliff got married, what did I say? You wanted me

a child.

Why?

Revenge.

If you want the joy of a child without the bother, there's a very simple

Grandchildren. They're perfect.

If you don't like them, you go home.

Mama, didn't you want any more?

No. Why?

Because the older you are when you have them, the older you are when they come

back. Mama, what are you talking about? They don't come back.

John and Edna, more than you remember them, they have a daughter your age. She

came back.

Her husband left her.

Three children, 14, 11, and 2, they all came back.

You know what I'm saying, Claire? If you have one now, by the time you are 70,

they'll be back.

Okay, Mama, that's one isolated incident. I had a vaccine in Davenport.

Have a son, 45.

His wife dies. He comes home.

None of them are working.

Okay, so that's two isolated incidents.

Sidney and Ramona, what's this?

Unmarried daughter comes home. You go around collecting these stories.

They're not just stories. They happen. Don't let it happen to you.

How's it feeling now?

Less.

Take my advice, grandchildren.

won't you?

What? A baby.

Sure. Promise?

not but if you need a rest when i was your age we played from sun up to sun

and when it got too dark we carried candles in our hand dad what did you get

enough breath you want to talk some more all right you better be alert

now so you're up by two right that's going to the time

I'm not the referee. Just give me the ball.

It's not fair.

Take it up with the lead commissioner, okay?

But that's you, too. Give me the ball.

All right.

And now Dr.

H has to make these two foul shots to tie you.

And so, here we go.

Dad,

could you move it along?

school in 12 hours.

One more at a time.

And now

to embarrass my son, I will make it

without.

He has never beaten his father.

If you have another kid now, you've never beaten him once.

There's something I gotta tell you, Claire.

I'm old, Claire.

And, Claire, so are you. You're old, too.

What? I'm sorry to tell you that, Claire.

Oh, Claire.

You didn't wake me up at 3 o 'clock in the morning to tell me I'm old.

Well, I've known about it for hours since Theo beat me at... One -on -one in

basketball. I tried to protect you as long as I could.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just talking about this baby.

You know, I mean, when we had our first child, we had a whole life ahead of us.

And I'm just saying that if we have one now, I mean, by the time that child

leaves home, we will be ready to go to one.

You know, the feeling I've been having. Listen, honey, look, don't you remember

how when we were young we planned ahead and we said we were going to go places

and we were going to go on cruises and around the world.

Cairo, we're going to go to Cairo and see the pyramids. And we have another

child by the time we get there, the pyramids will be too small for our eyes.

Well, it's very deep and urgent. Yeah, but honey, listen to this. We said we

were going to go to Paris. We were going strolling on the Champs -Élysées, and

I'm telling you, if we wait, I mean, we'll be too old to stroll.

It's just a feeling, and like all feelings, it'll fade. Yeah, we want to

wrong before it fades.

I don't want another baby. You really?

No, I honestly thought I did.

Oh, Claire. Because I thought that having another child would make my life

better, and then I thought about it. Better than what? My life is already

perfect. I've got a great job and a wonderful family and a loving husband.

Who thinks I'm old?

Oh, no, I just said that to get your attention. Yes, you did say that. Oh.

Are you old?

Well, no, Theo cheats.

improves when I'm not looking.

So, when do we start our travel?

Well, I figure Rudy will enter college in 13 years and

we can start the day after.

Good night. Good night, dear.