Original subtitles

To honor Lincoln's birthday, it's a night of a thousand laughs.

My fellow Americans, you know, so much has changed since when I sat in the

House, but I'm proud to say that I've kept up with the times. Oh yes, I have a

fax machine and a car phone.

I've got a five -tuck a little one.

But tonight...

To celebrate my 102nd birthday, we're going to be doing something very

Night of a Thousand Laughs 2. We'll party and boogie with all your favorite

comedies. And I'll be here all night to count the laughs. You'll get an honest

count that way. First off, a favorite of all of ours. A Carby show. Yay!

Five, four, three, two... Look at that.

Now, I got a chest full of things.

They're going to miss that child next year when she goes away to the

of Wisconsin and places north.

And so, I forgot my line.

Three, two... I'm sorry I'm going to miss your race.

It's all right.

Catch your line.

You're wasting our money.

For two years, breakfast has been nothing but healthy.

No cow, no salt. Yuck!

I've had it! Daddy, no!

I want something delicious and naughty.

Tired of things that are just good for me. Ha!

Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats! George!

Huh? Frosted Mini Wheats are good for you. No.

Shredded Wheat goodness.

No. And fiber.

No, not fiber. Yes, George.

But they taste so good. Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats. Surprise!

They're good for you.

It's Friday night at the Smith House. I'll be here any minute. Jane and Mike

having a party. Should we pick the music?

Eight guests. Friends.

Spinning. The food. The music. The lighting. Candle. Nothing. Blowing. Was

to chance when suddenly... Glasses?

Spotted.

Spots? Spots. We don't have time for spots.

You don't have time for spots. So use Cascade. The sheeting action rinses

away. Maybe they'll be late. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe not. Don't take chances. Use Cascade because you don't have time for

spots. The headache feels like a rubber band going around my head.

I have pain. I hurt.

Today, Darnell Moore is trying extra strength Tylenol gel caps for pain like

white egg aspirin or ibuprofen when nothing works better than Tylenol gel

No throb, no headache, and definitely no rubber band. I'm going to go with the

gel caps.

Gel caps work.

Tylenol gel caps, only from Tylenol.

For everyday pain, nothing works better. And for your cold this winter, now try

Tylenol cold medication.

Melissa, what are you looking at?

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Come here.

No, I've got something to show you. Good.

Now, this is what we used to look like.

Yes, when we first started working together. Now, I'm not naming any names,

some people have changed.

Oh, man.

Now, when I go back and watch the reruns of the shows we did, I look at the guy

who played Theo and I say, who is that?

That's you.

With a higher voice.

Well, let's not even talk about what I look like.

But I was only 10.

That's no excuse.

I was four.

I made a lot of mistakes.

I remember Bill having fun with your mistakes.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Uh -huh.

What am I saying?

Stop making mistakes.

If you don't stop acting so lame.

No, I'm not doing it, Emma.

Give me some pie.

Give me some pie.

Give me some pie.

But sometimes

Keisha got the last laugh.

Why are you standing between us? So you don't have any babies.

Oh, there are times when someone else got the last laugh on Bill, like Stevie

Wonder. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was a good one. And he can't stay.

You don't like me or something?

Well, um, I just wanted to say...

You look like somebody I've seen before.

Yeah, and that was priceless. It really was.

But I want to know, how come a certain person here, sitting on this very couch,

always seems to know her lines, even on the first day of rehearsal?

You must be talking about me. How do you do it? It's the jeans, darling. It's

the jeans.

Thanks. loved a line or two in my day. A line or two? Well, I have. And when I

have, Bill has really rubbed it in.

But when the going gets rough, you quit.

Like what?

Ice skating. Guitar.

Skiing. Tennis.

Ballet.

by the gross commerciality of contemporary theater.

All I know is we left that theater humming the songs and feeling fine,

we, Chris?

Humming the what?

Songs.

And you thought you were going to get

away with it?

Hey, Jeffers, what are you doing with Felicia's daughter?

Hi, Molly.

Hi, Felicia.

I don't know. You don't know?

Now, I'll tell you one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to

actor. When you're in a scene and you call somebody by their real name.

You almost done, Malcolm?

It's got to be serious, because the man says, I'd like to bring her by so you

and Felicia can...

This is my son, Malcolm.

His name is Theo.

Hey,

Dr. Morgan.

How you doing? All right. Have you ever met Theo?

Man,

have you guys...

Ever thought about what it would be like if we did this show live?

That would be very interesting. You know, I am very thankful that they can

out all the mistakes, especially when I consider some of the ones I made.

This is a big joke.

Well, honey, I'm sure everybody will like it. And if that doesn't get them...

my son, I will make it without lucky.

And now to him, sit down.

To embarrass my son, I will make it without lucky.

And now... Now listen, I want you to go out there and read that speech

as if you had written it yourself.

Make me and your father very proud.

I want you to go up there and read this speech as if you had written it

yourself, okay?

Make me and your dad proud.

Okay?

Let's go. Let's go.

I tried, Jane.

Come here, son. As if you had written it yourself, okay?

Make me and your father very proud.

Thank you.

be a girl. Well, good.

And I'll have a dog named Tiffany.

All right.

And I'll have a husband named Bud.

What was his name again?

Bud.

Bud... What?

Bud Light.

Bud

Light.

Well, the only problem is my father is not going to let me get my ears pierced.

No way.

Oh, you're right.

Sunlight has real lemon juice.

It cuts tough food easily.

And leaves everything sunlight clean.

In fact, it's so easy, you almost don't have to be there.

Sink or dishwasher, sunlight makes light work of dishes.

Some women live in sheer elegance. The pantyhose that looks and feels like real

silk from the Orient.

Well, I want her.

I've got to have her. She's got legs.

My headaches are full -grown, adult -sized bangaroos. So I bang them back

bear. It's strong. It's not an aspirin substitute.

It's made for adults.

Just like you and me. For adult -sized pain, Bayer, the wonder drug that works

wonders.

Carnation Instant Breakfast!

You're gonna love it in an instant!

Wake up to the nutritious, delicious taste of Carnation Instant Breakfast.

Carnation Instant Breakfast!

You're gonna love it in an instant!

for the girls out there honking at me.

Oh, man. Okay, out of all of us, who do you think has changed the most?

Oh, I don't know. That depends on what you mean by changing. We've all gotten a

little bigger, and some of us have gotten a little brighter. Yeah, some of

yeah.

Both you and Lisa got married and had babies.

That's true. True.

Lisa, I don't know about you, but that's when Bill really gave me the business.

No,

Jake. Yeah.

She just doesn't kiss the same since she got married.

Read Macbeth and he could get under the covers and snuggle and read Macbeth and

he could take all night.

And Ahmaud won't be there?

And as the pregnancy progressed, he got worse.

Anybody have any idea why these bags are up here? Don't start.

Here we go. We have to be in five. Next week we have a car in here.

Why are these bags blocking her?

Because this isn't close enough to the table.

Ladies and gentlemen, the baby's stomach.

Five, four, three, two... So you see, it's right there.

Don't be hateful.

Be nice.

The magic of TV.

Stop it.

Ahmad Rashad will no longer come on this set.

Ruined my show.

Bye, Mike. Bye, sweetie.

Bill does like to keep things loose on the set.

Oh, yeah.

You never know what he's gonna do.

Bill, could you give me that wine again?

No! I'm tired!

I know.

But when you're cooking red beans, you should have

the proper pig.

Better known as the oink.

There we go. And you should have preferably killed it early.

Pink nose.

I have a friend who can't eat pink nose.

Yeah, I said, my God, what's the difference?

Yeah.

He switched to another stand -up.

In five, four... What are we doing? Take the

black pieces off. Take the black pieces off?

I thought you loved running track.

A simple thing like a light bulb can inspire Bill to supreme

silliness.

you ringing for the bell hop?

Was that you?

On Sundays, there's just general silliness in the air.

What's going on? Huh?

I didn't know you were coming out here.

What's going on?

Three, two... Are you ready?

In.

Five, four...

here talking about mistakes we've made.

I never made any mistakes.

Yeah, okay. Raven.

Look,

tell me why that was.

Okay. Tell me. Now read.

Five, four, three, two.

I got textable. Pay for it. All right. And now you're going to go to bed.

In a minute. In a minute.

That was my fault. I was still doing something else.

You know?

Don't make any mistakes.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sure we can all remember a time when Mr. Cosby did something that made it

very difficult to get through a scene.

Well, yeah.

Like a million times.

I was in the kitchen, and the harder I tried to get to the scene, the worse it

got.

Go ask some of the doctors out there.

You want to sell some meat hooks, some sneakers, some bottles.

Dad,

it's gonna be a great banquet. After dinner, they're gonna show a movie.

I remember a time when Bill lost it and never got it back.

Tyrone, so you're going to take out my Vanessa, huh?

Well, I want you to know something, son.

It all started when Bill heard an off -camera noise and he knew that he

use the take, so he decided to have some fun with the actor. Young boy, come and

take out my daughter.

You would have to be special also.

If you ever did anything to hurt her, take this.

Do you understand what I mean?

Keep your hands to yourself.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You don't rub all over me.

Get the soda and get out.

Huh?

The young man behind you is not quite with the scene.

He's not?

No, Bill. What's the matter with him?

I don't know why he laughed.

You should give him the very end part of the series.

Okay. Now get out.

During the second take, the guest actor made a mistake.

That's when Dill lost it.

Let me tell you something, Tyrone.

Vanessa is my daughter.

Very, very special person.

You understand?

Okay.

Have a good one.

Is that it, Dr.

Hussable? Isn't there anything else you want to add?

I want to tell you something.

Vanessa is my daughter. You understand that?

I mean it.

Have a good time.

Uh, is that all you want to ask me, Dr. Hustable?

No, no, no.

No,

I'm going to get through this one.

Buy your best shot, Jack.

Now, let me tell you something. Vanessa is my special, special daughter. You

understand me?

Have a good time.

Is that it? That's the husband?

These are two makers of

frozen entrees. They both make turkey tetrazzini.

Kraft uses all white turkey meat.

Stouffer's uses some white meat.

They both come in a box.

Kraft uses blue.

Stouffer's, red.

The choice is yours.

Friends, when it comes to creamy, chocolatey, homemade, delicious pudding,

know when it's Jell -O.

sure that you want to go back out there and play again?

Thursday,

it's a night of all new comedy, starting with Cosby. On a different world,

Whitley's new flame is Dwayne Steaming.

Then on Cheers.

of us would like to sleep with Sam. Sam's a hit on the top show circuit, and

Grand has a bundle of joy for Tom and Carol Ann.

The pain of birth actually prepares you for the agony of being a parent.

Thursday!