Original subtitles

[intro music]

[imitates train] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

[shouts] Stay away!

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented,

to calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

[all laughing]

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing]

Scatter!

Party!

[music fades out]

["Shut Up" by Black Eyed Peas playing]

[Jamie] The two things my mum never allowed us to do when we were nippers.

Potholing, because she's claustrophobic,

and riding a motorbike, cos her cousin Shirley came off hers

on the A-34 when she was 16.

[Karen] Jamie!

[Jamie] Broke her back in three places. My old mate Kenny Morris had a Suzuki.

[yells] Jamie!

[Jamie] He used to try and make me ride on the back, so he could spin me round

at 90 miles an hour and laugh at me bricking it.

When I kept refusing, we ended up falling out and he gave me a black eye.

When I lied to my mum about why he'd twatted me,

my dad called me a wimp for not giving him one back.

Early lesson in being a Maguire.

Sometimes, you just can't win.

Where've you been?

All this space. We're not capitalising.

We are not making the best of what we've got here.

Hip And Thigh. Atkins. F-Plan.

They made millions. Millions. We should do summat here.

-Here? -Classes. We'd make a fortune.

Better than spending 50 quid a month in some sweaty gym

and I will guarantee they'll love it.

What do you think?

You need your head testing.

[ominous tone]

See, that's why I love you, Jamie.

[Karen] Your infectious enthusiasm and zest for life!

Please, Paddy.

Please.

Just a bit more time.

-[Chesney] Leave her alone. -Stay out of this.

[Yvonne] Chesney, no!

[door opens]

What's going on?

None of your business.

Ches, please.

Thursday. Every penny, understood?

Understood?

Ever need a job, Chesney, give us a call.

[orchestra plays jaunty music]

[coin drops]

-Ah, sorry! -Sorry!

[girl] Holly... Holly!

Aren't babies supposed to ruin your figure?

Oh, you can bang on about overactive thyroid,

big fucking bones till you're blue in the face.

Sit on your arse all day, eat too many cakes,

you are going to get fat. Simple.

Are you all right?

I'll take that as a no, then?

You've forgotten, haven't ya?

What?

What's the big deal?

Mum and Dad?

We arranged to go round.

-We can still go now, can't we? -In that state?

You're shitfaced.

Since when did you become my wife?

Can I borrow some gel?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Will you ever forgive me?

-[Carl] Hmm? -Will I do?

Look, come on, babes.

Leave it, Carl.

What women say and what women mean

are usually two completely different things, Carl.

Thought you'd know that by now.

I said no!

You've got to learn to attend to her needs, Carl.

Even an 11-year-old can work that one out.

Fancy a pint?

Bit early, innit?

Go on then, son.

Fuck off.

[burps] Slippery slope.

[dramatic music]

[Ian] Can't you just rearrange?

Tell 'em he's not well.

They're not gonna be that angry, are they?

[Maxine sobs]

Come here.

[sobs]

All right, Samson, are you gonna fucking get it or what?

-Oh, yeah! -[creaking]

[pants and huffs]

[grunting]

[glass breaking]

-[Stan grunts] -[loud thump]

Where's Connor?

[Jamie] Karen!

[Jamie] Connor?

You said Mum had him.

You said you were taking him out.

No, I didn't!

[Connor crying]

She did.

[sighing with relief] Oh, fuck... Hey.

What's going on?

-Nothing. -You didn't know where he was!

[Paddy] He's fine. That's all that matters.

[Mimi] Come on, sunshine.

He's my sunshine.

You don't trust me?

[Paddy] Come on. Leave them in peace.

You don't, do ya?

[Connor grumbles]

[Yvonne] Stan?

[Yvonne gasps]

It's all right.

No, it isn't!

Why do you have to pick on him?

-What? -It's got nothing to do with him!

-Nothing to do with what? -Don't give me that crap!

-I borrowed the money, not him! -Cool it, Yvonne.

So, if you're going to smash anybody's face in it should be mine, shouldn't it?

-I don't know what you're on about. -Stan. He's battered.

That's got nothing to do with me.

I just need a bit more time.

48 hours. That's plenty.

Plumber?

[suggestive music]

Leak?

Plumber, leak! Yeah, right! [laughs]

[man on TV] Which I inherited some years ago and when I saw this...

-[Karen] Woo! Come on, girls... -[loud music plays]

["Kids In America" by Kim Wilde playing outside]

My fitness empire starts here!

You can spin yourself thin with Karen Maguire!

Whoo!

Come on, girls!

[Stella crying]

[Carl giggles]

What time you on till?

[door slams]

Things no better, then?

She keeps cutting me out, just blanking me.

It's a lot to take on board, mate.

What? A few pints and I missed a dinner with the in-laws?

Big fucking deal!

[suspicious music]

-[door opens] -[male voices clamour]

Do you have any money for charity?

[coins clattering]

-Hi! -Hi.

Wanna get the tram into town? Get a burger or something?

-Can't. -Why not?

-I'm not allowed. -Veggie?

Knife crime. Dad thinks I'll end up getting stabbed.

You'll be all right with me.

Look after me, would you? Protect me?

Do me best.

Fancy coming to mine for tea?

It's just tea, Liam, not a marriage proposal.

-[Joe] Bad move. -[bottle hits the floor]

-Borrowing off a Maguire? -I had no choice.

Only way I could pay to get this lot fixed after t'fire.

Bank won't touch me.

I can help.

-This is it. -Wow!

Do you mind if I kiss you before we go in?

Yeah. I mean...

-What about your dad? -I'd sooner kiss you.

[romantic music]

[cutlery clinks]

So, what does your mother do, Liam?

She's a nurse.

-And what about your father? -He passed away.

Ah. Sorry, son.

It's not your fault. It was a long time ago.

Do you remember him?

He was a doctor.

Family of medics, eh?

He was a heart specialist.

Consulted in unexplained coronaries in young adults.

Really?

Pioneered three drugs trials at the MRI.

He was up for two clinical excellence awards.

Fantastic.

When they gave him a three-page spread in The Lancet,

we realised he was something special.

He was up for an MBE, but he was against the monarchy.

Said they were all a bunch of overpaid, over-privileged idiots.

That's the only thing we disagreed on.

Personally, I'm all for the Royal Family. A ray of light in such dark times.

Where they lead, we follow. Don't you think?

Is it okay if me and Liam go upstairs for a bit? Listen to some music?

I think it's probably best I get Liam back home now, Holly.

It's fine, thanks, I'll walk.

Don't be silly, where do you live?

Thanks!

[rock music playing]

-You should go and see her. -What's she said?

It's about her mum and dad.

She can piss off. I've said sorry, I'm not grovelling.

Carl, I'm only trying to help ya.

You get yourself a proper bird for once, then you fuck it all up.

-Is that what you want? -Who said I fucked it up?

Just go and see her. Talk to her. If you don't, you'll end up losing her.

[sighs]

[Frank] Pint and two vowels, Karen.

Mimi...

Mimi?

Isn't that enough practice for one day?

[Mimi] You can make yourself useful if you like. Clear glasses!

This is useful!

Have you seen what it does to your triceps?

I don't want bingo wings at my age, do I?

[chuckles]

[slurring] That's just the start, Karen.

It's not just physical.

[mouthing]

[Frank] One baby comes into the world and another brain departs.

Here we go.

As the foetus gestates, it sucks... [sucking]

...every bit of goodness from its host.

-[beeping] -Protein and calcium...

-[sucking] -...vitamins and minerals

and ounce by ounce, as the baby grows,

its mother shrinks

in equal proportion.

Hello!

[laughs]

Cut the crap, Frank.

Sheila used to keep the bog roll in the fridge when she was up the duff.

[laughter]

[Karen] I like it when you talk about her.

Do you miss her?

[sighs]

I do.

When she left,

it took me a long, long time

to even begin to come to terms with it.

A good...

few days.

Maybe even a week.

Had this pain...

you see, in my chest.

And it made me realise, it made me understand,

what love is.

You know, what it must be, if it exists,

cos... when she was gone...

I made myself feel better trying to understand the madness.

I missed it.

Even started washing me hands after taking a piss.

Was she hard to live with?

-Cope with? -Fucking nightmare.

But, no worse than the rest of us though, eh?

You are nothing like her, Karen.

Don't believe that bollocks about we all eventually

end up turning into our parents,

cos if it were true,

I'd be an uptight twat with a penchant for Shirley Bassey.

[mouthing]

Thanks.

[Frank] S'all right.

[Liam] How do you know when things are moving too fast?

With a girl.

-[indistinct TV chatter] -Blimey.

If you love her?

-Do you love her? -I think so.

-Have you bought her a soft toy yet? -As if.

Oh, well, it's not quite love yet, then.

-She's nicked one of my pens. -[laughs]

Has she? That's serious.

So you reckon I should buy her a teddy?

[door closes]

Ian said I'd lose you.

[Maxine] You'd better go up, love.

[Maxine] What's he said?

I should've known myself.

Not have him tell me.

Told you what?

That if I carry on like this, I'll lose you.

There's no point going over it, is there?

You're right. Cut the crap, Carl.

Show her how you feel. Buy her a stuffed puppy or something.

You're the first girl I've ever said this to.

-Leave it, Carl. -I love you.

I want to be with you. I can't stop thinking about ya.

I never meant for it to go this far.

I'm sorry about your mum and dad.

[Maxine] You don't need to be.

I know how much they mean to you. I could've fucked that up.

I don't want to come between them and their little girl, do I?

Daddy's little princess.

I've had an abortion.

[haunting music]

[door opens]

Carl?

[door closes]

[Micky] How d'you know when you're in love?

You just do.

Have sweaty palms got anything to do with it?

-That is our plumber. -Him?

Hundred quid and he'll hold your hand in Pizza Express.

[Ian] Extortion.

I'm gonna bring him here.

Get a takeaway, give him something proper to hold on to.

Cheaper to fuck than to mend a pipe?

You would, though. Wouldn't ya?

[Karen laughs]

What the fuck are you up to?

[both laugh]

Rosemary Conley had it right.

You just lay off the cheese, moved around a bit,

got thinner legs! Hey presto!

She made millions.

Now, that's enterprise. Women come up to me,

they tell me I look amazing for a bird that's just dropped a kid.

Yeah, well you do.

I knew I was special. Like Madonna special. Or Kylie.

Come on. You're better than that.

This... is my... empire, Jamie! [giggles]

[Karen] Boing...

[both laugh and scream]

[Karen] Oh! [laughs]

-[door closes] -[dog barks]

What you rattling about at this hour for?

What's she been doing?

-[Mimi] It's not normal. -She's fine.

[Mimi] She isn't fine! Frank friggin' Gallagher's noticed.

People can see it, you know! Why can't you?

Get your father and the lads, we need to look for her.

Leave it!

[Mimi] That's my grandson that's out there!

And she's my wife! Now just fuck off!

[dramatic music]

Karen!

-Everything okay? -I could do with a bit of a hand.

It's a bit early to be shopping, isn't it?

Once Connor's awake, I'm awake.

-Karen, where the fuck've you been? -[Paddy] All right, Jamie.

I've been shopping, I got you some custard tarts.

-You didn't bring your mobile. -Who am I going to call at this time?

-Fuck's sake, Karen. -You're overreacting.

[Jamie] You've been gone all night!

Get a grip. He's gonna have me microchipped next.

-Is he okay? -Why wouldn't he be okay?

[Jamie] Anything could've happened.

Have you seen the CCTV in there?

Do you know they've got a separate camera over disposable razors

because apparently they're the most nicked item from supermarkets. Did you know that?

You'd think it'd be perfume or cellulite cream, wouldn't ya?

Let's just go home.

Fine.

[sighs]

[Carl] You all cheered up now, eh?

[Carl laughs]

You didn't even give me the chance.

If I'd have known I was going to be a dad, I might've started to act like one.

It wouldn't have made any difference.

-Why? Cos you think I'd be shit? -It's got nothing to do with that.

Just another Frank?

Your words, not mine.

-Does Ian know? -No.

We can have kids when we've both grown up a bit.

Yeah, right.

[Joe] All right?

Where's your mother?

She owes me money, remember?

None of my business, remember?

[Joe] You won't find her in there.

This is my shop now. I bought it.

New lock, lack of stock, and barrel.

Wondered how long it'd take you.

[door closes]

With interest.

-Feeling better? -What do you think?

Listen, it had nothing to do with me.

Yeah, right. That's what I thought when I got me face smashed in.

Listen, pal, I'm not gonna be sorry for something I haven't done.

-Course not. -[Yvonne] It's done.

Over.

Wise woman.

A toast, to new beginnings.

[mobile phone rings]

Hello?

Hello?

Rude not to.

[sighs contentedly] Good doing business with ya!

[playing soft music]

[music becomes distant]

[music fades into romantic opera music]

[Holly] Liam?

[Holly] Liam?

[loud thud]

[groans in pain]

[phone rings]

Jockey.

Frank, school.

Hello? Yeah?

["Wannabe" by Spice Girls plays loudly above]

[sighs]

Stay there, I'll go.

[Frank sighs and hangs up]

[music becomes distorted]

[music plays very loudly]

[music stops]

-Sorry. -It's okay.

How are you feeling?

We should never've decorated.

I know some people that keep dead peoples' rooms the same for years.

Like a shrine.

Who had the right to just wipe out all trace of her like that?

I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

It's not right, though, is it?

You miss her, don't you?

She was me best friend.

And she was my baby girl.

Let me get Shane to decorate for you.

Not just in here, I mean. The whole pub.

It'll do you good to have a change about the place.

You're too good to me.

Nonsense.

There's no such thing as in-laws where I come from.

You marry into the family and that's it.

[melancholy music]

You call them mum and dad. Two sets of parents.

[Mimi knocking] Karen?

Jesus!

[Mimi] Stop her, Paddy!

[glass breaking]

Christ! Karen, no!

[Paddy grunts]

[Karen laughs]

[Mimi] What are you doing?

[Karen laughs manically]

Why are you putting us through this, you selfish bitch?

Get out! Just get out!

[sobbing]

[Paddy hushes her] It's okay.

[uncontrollable sobbing]

[Micky] Yeah, another pipe's gone, mate.

Well, soon as you can, really.

All right, nice one.

[suggestive music]

[grunts]

[Mickey] Oh, no! Butterfingers! [groans exaggeratedly]

No worries. Happens all the time.

Yeah?

Take it off, I'll dry it out for ya.

-No need. -Oh, It's fine!

It's no trouble, mate. Take it off, I'll sort it.

-I'll live. Honest. -Take it off!

[tiger roar]

[pulsating music]

[music fades out]

Another drink?

Why not? Yeah.

["Could It Be Magic" by Take That plays loudly]

Come on!

-[Jamie] Karen? -[Paddy] Karen?

-Karen? -Karen?

[Jamie] Karen!

[Paddy] Karen?

[music gets louder]

What the fuck do you want?

[music stops]

I was thinking orange, what do you think?

-Yeah, whatever you think. -Blue?

Yellow? I dunno. White?

White?

-[yelling] White! White! White! -[distorted screaming]

White?

Dad! Keep him away! Get him away from me!

[Karen screams]

[Jamie] Please!

-Keep him away! -Not now, son!

-I'm her husband, Dad! Karen! -No!

Please, go! Go now!

[Karen] No!

-[door closes] -[Karen grunts]

Calm down, calm down. [Paddy hushes her]

[Karen breathes heavily] Dad!

[sobbing] Dad...

What happens when we die?

Does it just switch off?

You're here for years, and then nothing.

Cos what's the point? Could be gone tomorrow.

Could be run over. By a bus. A truck.

A fucking milk float.

Can you imagine the embarrassment if one of them took you out?

You're not going to die.

[soft, sad music]

Joe was right.

Me...

in me tight tops...

[voice deepens] "...and your short skirt,

you're just a slag."

[voice breaking] I'm sorry, Mandy.

We couldn't help it, we tried but we couldn't...

I'm so sorry.

[door opens]

No! Not him!

Oh! Fucking hell!

-[Jamie] Karen! -[Paddy] No, no, no!

[screams]

It's me, babes!

[screaming intensifies]

-[Jamie] Calm down, love, it's me! -[Karen] No!

[Karen] No, no!

-[Karen screams] No! -[Mimi speaks inaudibly]

[Ian] You okay?

-I need somewhere to stay. -That bad?

Come on.

-[Derek] Let me give you a lift home, eh? -[Liam] Honest, it's fine.

[Frank] All right, son? [panting]

[Frank] What's going on, son? Let's have a look. Come here. [groans]

Oh, that's all right, it's nothing much to write home about, eh?

Son?

[chuckles]

No matter how fucking cool you think you are,

as soon as they get to secondary school they're always ashamed

-about being seen with their old man. -Old?

-Don't you mean deceased? -[Derek] Holly!

[Derek sighs] No offence. We thought you were dead.

Well, half cut, pal, I'll give you that.

But as God is my witness, I'm anything but dead.

[Holly] Apparently, they dedicated

a waiting room to your name when you were mown down?

[Derek] By a fire engine.

[Holly] Jumped in front of it saving a six-year-old girl's life?

She was thrown 50 feet in the air?

-I thought we were good together. -We are.

[Frank chuckles] Listen, kid,

telling porkies to dazzle the ladies might seem a good idea at the time

but it's always going to come back, and bite you on the arse. Mark my words.

Sorry.

Keep your dignity, kid.

You know, we all do it.

Most lads your age would walk over hot coals to get a bit of muff.

[Frank laughs]

What's a lickle white lie between friends, eh, Mr...

[Derek] Come on, Holly.

I don't blame you for lying, lad.

I'd have done the same if he was my father.

Hey, just hang on a minute, pal.

I'm only trying to be polite.

And I'm a good father, for your information.

-Admittedly, not the best in... -I'm sorry. Can we just start again?

when they want a pint!

-And where would he fit in? -And I love them...

[Holly] What if you ask me over for tea and he's there?

...be honest with them. We have a laugh together.

I'm proud of what I've got.

-[Frank] Proud of each... -Will you just shut up?

-...and every one of them. -Are you always this rude?

Foul-mouthed? You're behaving like a rancid, festering, smelly, old tramp.

[Holly] Dad, can Liam come in the car with us? Please.

[sad music]

Right, it's okay, son. I understand.

You know where I am if you need me.

Maybe "tramp" was a bit harsh.

[Holly] Liam?

Liam!

[Kelly] Why don't we just tell them the truth?

[Mimi] What, and lose all trade?

[Paddy] It's not good for business Shane being cuckoo.

Karen's the reason most blokes come in here in the first place.

I think they'll find it in their hearts to forgive her for a few week's absence.

No one wants a screaming banshee pulling pints, though.

[Kelly] She's ill. Why can't you just say that?

-[Mimi] People aren't stupid. -[Kelly] Oh, really?

-Is that a fact? -We could say she's on remand for assault?

-[Paddy] A family tiff? -Uh-huh.

She knocked seven shades of shite out of one of you two lads?

-Yeah, but... -[Mimi] I like it!

Assault it is, then.

-Dad? -[sighs] What?

Could you sub us a oner? I'm late on the rent and Ian's being a right cunt.

As he should be if you're late.

[mobile phone rings]

Hello?

[Paddy] Hello?

[sighs contentedly] Good doing business with ya!

[Yvonne giggles]

[Micky grunts in pain]

I take that as a no, then.

[frantic music]

Shit!

Fuck!

[Yvonne] Promise you'll call me every day.

Course I will.

I love you, son.

Right. Go on.

-What kind of mother leaves her son? -A good one. You've done a brilliant job.

He's a good lad. He'll be fine.

Thanks.

Keep her safe or you're dead meat.

Course I will.

And you stick with Joe. He'll look after you.

-I can look after myself. -You know what I mean.

Be careful.

-[Stan grunts] -[loud thump]

[heavy breathing]

[door opens]

-She asked me to. -Why?

She said she doesn't want any more hassle.

-There is no hassle. -I'm only helping out.

I could've done it.

Maybe it's best if you both get some space for a few days.

Is that what she said?

We need space?

That's right up there with, "It's not you, it's me."

You'll be telling me she doesn't deserve me next.

I knew you'd take her side.

I'm not taking sides!

I want what's best for both of ya.

Has she told you everything?

I said what's between you two is none of my business.

-Mate, she-- -Carl, no.

Mate, I don't wanna know.

[Micky grunts]

-[rattling of tools] -[Micky grunts]

-[Ian] What's happened now? -Pipes.

-Again? -Yeah.

I'd better give Dan a call.

-What's up? -System must be fucked.

Think we need the whole thing re-doing. Everything just keeps leaking.

-[phone being dialled] -No, that's nowt, that.

Just need to replace the trap, that's all.

Someone's been pissing about with this, haven't they?

What?

Helpless female course at sixth form.

[Maxine] I did basic plumbing. Just leave it to me.

-Nice one. -[Micky sighs]

[Jamie] Early lesson in being married to a Jackson.

Not sometimes, but every time, you just can't win.

But do I really want to? And what is winning, anyway?

She's a bit like my old mate Kenny Morris, is my missus.

[Maxine and Ian laughing]

[Jamie] Trying to make me go along with one crazy idea after the next.

Hardly ever knows when to take no for an answer

and there's not one person I know that she'll take an ounce of shit from.

The only real difference between her and Kenny is,

when she asks me to get on the back of her bike, I do.

Just like that. No questions asked.

[trampoline springs squeaking]

[Jamie] Fucking terrifying, yeah.

[Karen laughing] Bouncy, bouncy.

[Jamie] But the ride?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

[Karen laughing] One, two, three, four...

[Billy] Mrs. Maguire, you're trying to seduce me.

Switch the fucking light on!

I shall see again on my terms.

[Frank] Where the shit am I?

Just point me home, will ya?

[Mimi] This is ours.

-I like what we have. -You're always pleasing me.

Just need to liven things up with a game of pull a pig.

I can't believe I promised him he'd get laid tonight.

I think we both want the same thing, don't we?

It has been a long time.

[Paddy] Shane made me a promise tonight.

Wash your cock in the sink and throw on a condom.

-Smell my finger. -What's that?

-Your mam. [laughs] -[laughter]

Hiya, is that Dicks And Mortar?

Yeah, I think I've got a bit of subsidence, mate.

Any chance you can come over for a shufties?

Nice one.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[loud crash]