Original subtitles

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got Taking a

break from all your worries sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to

get away?

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

And they're always glad you came.

You want to be where you can see our troubles are all the same.

You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Who's ready for Earthworld?

Mom, I can't find my crossbody bag. Where's...

Crossbody bag. On you, it's a fanny pack up higher. Please, Beth, you're

driving. I'm low on wanting to drive.

Would one of you mind making me a quick sandwich? You know, theme park food

gives me interesting stool.

Read the room.

We're not going. Look at us. No, you gotta come.

It's an absolute train wreck. This dude, he's never been to Earth, but he loves

it, and he sucks at making theme parks. We said fucking no!

All right, fine.

But nobody wants to see a Beth's adventure.

I thought cloning was supposed to make us happy. I hate my life. And I know you

have to hate yours.

Hey! Sorry, I started drinking in the car.

Where are we miserable?

It's not Jerry.

Yeah, it could be worse. I mean, we could have married Pep Rosenfeld.

Oh, my God, I forgot about him.

Oh, he died in that thing, right? 9 -11, yeah.

We can't just put it all on Dad, right? Oh, we're done with that guy. I had a

bad dad.

Shut up. Write a book about it. I'm just so tired of all the shit we have to do

to live. You abandoned all your shit. There is so much more shit in space.

When was the last time we were happy?

Truly happy.

Felt pretty good when we were kids.

Oh my God, I wish I could be young again.

That kind of wish never goes the way you want.

That being said, why do you have a de -aging machine?

When I'm bringing in bounties, I change them into kids. This car fits 10 kids if

you pack them right. Sounds efficient.

Is that worth dealing with 10 kids?

Oh no, I drug them too.

Wait, will my clothes be super huge or? Oh no, no, no, no.

Technology this advanced is indistinguishable from magic.

My skin.

I can see everything.

My mouth is so clean.

Whoa, my knuckles work. No pain.

You look like shit.

Wait, no. Come back here.

Get ready. Earth World is a mess.

No creative consistency.

Last time I was here, they had a whole ride dedicated to Pol Pot. There's a non

-zero chance you'll lose an eye.

Oh, that wasn't the vibe I got from the waivers.

Waivers? Yeah, from the website.

Website?

Dr. Dogballs. What the hell? I love Earth so much I made a theme park just

the good on Earth.

Oh, yo.

Wow, I guess it does seem like it sucks. Oh, good one, Grandpa.

You still like stuff ironically? No, it used to be bad, bad, which was good.

There used to be a ride called It's a Small Black Death.

Looks like they've just got a regular gap.

Rick, were you just drunk when you were here? I'm drunk now.

Where's all the rusty nails?

Where's the herpes family flume? Light up, Gordov. Get the fuck away from me.

Can't wait to get a photo taken with Marie Curie.

I think that's John Legend.

Maybe they picked John Legend because his name implies he's really important.

Rick, how are you thinking we should enjoy this?

Wow, they have a hall of presidential picks?

Like that?

Do you think I can meet Fox?

I'm not going to shit on it too hard because I know you'd punish me, but

this just a mid -90s outdoor mall?

Oh, my bad. Oh, my God. You're a real Earth person, aren't you? From Earth.

Uh, yeah. I'm like star... A real human.

Ooh, you smell nasty.

Oh, I mean, is that good?

Absolutely. Well, it's nice to see something in this park still grimy and

Then I'm as nasty as they come.

Can you believe my grandpa loves this place?

Lame. Beth, where'd you go?

Beth! Beth, I want you to have fun, but I need to know where you're having it. I

found a possum.

I forgot just how insane we were as a kid. I shouldn't have pitched this.

You have got to try it.

I'm over here.

OK, sweetie.

This is your two -minute warning.

It's almost time to switch back. I gotta find me first.

Too slow.

Try again.

All right, let's go. That's enough. I'm serious.

All right, Beth.

That bathroom was a ride, too? I had my pants down and everything.

I really do need to go.

Just go in a bush.

I swear it used to be funnier than this.

Don't turn around.

I'm squatting. Hey, you can't go there like that. You used to be able to piss

wherever you wanted to, like on Earth.

Grandpa Rick, take the L. Let's get Morty and go home.

Yeah, this place is fucked.

Corporate takeover, board approved changes, Steve Jobs dies and we get 10

of the same iPhone.

Oh, no. The guy who made the pocket is still alive.

He is?

Yeah, rumor is he still lives here, down in the tunnels.

Hey, Thumb Thumb, you like breaking rules.

Ew, did you bring Molly?

Hurry it up, Jerry.

It's your fault I have to go like this. You destroyed my urethra when you turned

me into a trash can.

Follow me.

And of course I brought Molly.

Uh, you're just joining us tonight. We have a... Oh, my God, it exploded.

Oh, God, all those astronauts.

It's worse than any explosion before it. It's hilarious.

Oh, my God. Hey, y 'all, check this out.

Awesome. No adult is getting inside.

Also, don't sit on that chair. The cushion is nice.

Somebody's got to sit on it. Gene should sit on it.

Bam. Nice.

Hey there, girls.

I'm guessing one of you is Beth from Next Door, and one of you is Sir Clone,

you're both little girls now?

Not that strange, given what I've seen. What are you, a scientist?

Come sit in our chair.

Well, based on the design of your makeshift harpoon, seems like you girls

a bit of a spree. Feel like I'm going to be walking into some booby traps.

Let's have some cocoa instead.

Let's have some cocoa.

Hey, that is cruel and technically untrue. But you're in an altered

so I know you don't mean it. Why don't you two sit tight? I'll get the

swiftness.

Let's go.

Go where?

Go hunt him. Unless you're scared.

I'm not scared of anything.

Let's get in the walls.

Wow, this is a good photo of us. Keep talking. I can smell your rotting

breakfast. Oh, God. Your hairs are insane.

They're all over your body. Can I touch them? Say a human phrase. Say grocery

list in that stink body accent.

You mean my voice? Yes.

Grocery list. I love your tooth -filled big hole and the other less used holes

on your face.

Okay, um, I'm getting the feeling that you're not into me as much as you like

the idea of being with any human.

Does it matter if I'm still turned on? No, I guess it doesn't. I want to get

your wet muscle in my mouth.

You mean my tongue?

I don't care what it's called.

Rick, I know you're having a bad time, but I think I saw a Panera up there that

might change your tune. A Panera?

Shut up. Is that Kevin Costner?

Wait, why do I know that?

Did Father make new models?

I don't recognize you three.

No, I'm Old Guy Fieri.

This is Princess Diana, and he's Mr. Rogers.

Or Brett Kavanaugh. I wouldn't know. I never left this park.

Us too.

We're looking for Dogballs.

He lives below.

Dr. Dogballs, my man!

Humans! Real humans!

The mad genius who built Earthworld!

Nobody loves Earth as much as me. Car, muscle beach, property taxes.

But before I could complete my perfect vision, I was caught with incriminating

files on my computer. And the board chained me up.

I watch animal pornography.

That's my business.

Like with people and animals?

No, just the animals, sicko. The original Earthworld was incredible.

I got strep from a candy once. Of course you feel that way.

You're a human being. You know what Earth -themed parks are supposed to be

I'd take you to the Dead Zone if I could and show you some of the old delights.

But they won't let me leave my office.

They won't, but I will.

Welcome to the real Earthworld.

Yes, this is... Closer to how I remember it. Oh, I stepped on a rusty nail.

At least Jerry got hurt.

Hot cocoa with extra marshmallows.

Hope you got room for extra marshmallows.

Look at him holding marshmallows over our heads. Like that's some kind of

I do like marshmallows.

He doesn't decide about our marshmallows. You should go up there and

You should cut him.

What should be cut?

I don't know. Just start slicing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My ankle.

I need a doctor.

Great. Now we have to take care of him. I don't want to take care of anybody.

You take care of him. It was your idea.

Not it, Jake.

I think you hit an artery.

She did it. She's a psycho. You're the psycho. I watched you eat a bird. After

you tore off his wings.

I'll show you who's psycho.

You run away, you baby.

Remember your affirmation, Gene.

You deserve to live.

But how?

Well, somehow every decision I've ever made has led to this.

Fire detected.

Extinguishing.

Come on, Gene.

Not like this. Not like this.

Hey, Siri. Call 911.

Countdown to calling 911.

Calling 911.

Why does it need a countdown?

Earth, World War II was fought with combines and harvesters, and you're

witness it firsthand.

Oh, God, is that a live wire?

None of the electricity is grounded yet.

I gotta get home before Gene calls 911 from any other phone but his own. The

head thing, so you can get out the way you came. Wait, you're leaving?

I thought you loved this place.

Yeah, I...

was right. Am I, like, supposed to think it's cool that there's measles in the

water and, like, snakes?

Nah, you guys have fun.

Oh, shit!

We're done here, boys!

Rick, your girls, they're not good people.

Thank you.

I've only been gone for two hours.

Hey, Beth, did you think here that you've been huffing childhood and have

overdosed on fun?

to fix this. Not making choices is annoying.

Oh, I can't tell you. Oh, my God. I've waited so long for someone to see my

vision. And, of course, it was real humans. You're the perfect audience for

this. My finest moment.

Oh, Ted, what's that? My beautiful creation.

They're going to destroy the park.

Oh, God.

I thought there were people in...

to the people, the people of the costume?

All Earth theme parks, and Penguin, Jurassic Park, Westworld, even the rides

inside the theme parks tell the same story.

You're on a boat ride when suddenly you take a detour to a waterfall, and now

you're in a pirate's den forced to suck dick to stay alive.

Why would you do this? The Greatest Tribute Earth is a theme park that ends

chaos.

Hungry for me.

Eat me.

Take it all.

Take the other one.

Take it all. Don't go around.

Yeah, you like that?

Labradoodle. Coconut milk.

More human stuff.

Big league chew.

Ooh, say something racist.

What? Come on. You're human.

It's your whole thing.

Uh, Italians make pretty, pretty good pizza. No, do it hateful,

you disgusting little bug.

Uh, did you hear that? Now you're pretending there's some kind of

I tried to be vulnerable with you. If you don't think I'm pretty, just say so.

I'm sorry, but I...

I wouldn't have.

You're talking into your adult.

Okay, whichever one you are, you're up.

He can't breathe! He can't breathe!

Oh, shit! Fuck! Whoa! Yeah!

How old should we make him?

As old as it'll go.

Thank you.

She probably should turn you back.

Do most kids like to stop this much?

There's the exit. Stay close.

Earth Park?

111 shouldn't have an answering machine.

Also, I have 11 legs now.

Nobody ever comes.

Did you get any of that?