Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Berlin, 1944.

A secret radio message from Adolf Hitler

personally to his spies in Great Britain.

"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith, please."

There was terrible headaches, you know.

Here in London, this is how the message was passed on.

It's only now that we of British Military Intelligence

have been able to piece together fully

from captured German documents.

We thank Paramount Pictures in Hollywood

for having the courage to put this on the screen.

I know we wouldn't.

The German Secret Service didn't hesitate a moment

in placing Hitler's orders into effect.

MacKenzie-Smith was drawing up the plans

for the Allied invasion of Europe

and had to be stopped at all costs.

Here come General Eisenhower, Field Marshall Montgomery,

General de Gaulle,

and Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith himself

wearing the familiar eye patch.

MAN: Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!

( gunfire )

( dramatic theme playing )

NARRATOR: Dear, dear. We don't seem to be catching up.

Well, after all, the Germans are in a Rolls Royce

and our lads only have American Jeeps.

Not that we're not grateful, mind you.

Uh, it is better than walking.

( gunshots )

( tires screech )

Oh, come, come. Let's get those ruddy names off the screen

Never heard of any of those chaps. Have you?

( police siren wailing )

MAN ( over speaker ): This camp area is now sealed.

NARRATOR: That night MacKenzie sealed every military area in Britain.

Nothing could move in or out.

Not even two American soldiers assigned to a British base.

MAN ( over speaker ): ...permitted to leave this base

by personal order of the General Officer

MacKenzie-Smith, that so and so.

Boy, you can say that again.

Cheer up, Joe. So we can't leave for home

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile.

Smile. Smile.

Sure. After all the trouble to get the Red Cross

My poor wife having

My mother isn't desperately ill. She's on Miami Beach.

She sent me a picture of her in a bathing suit,

My poor sister

works for the Red Cross. Want to get her in trouble?

No, I don't wanna get her in trouble.

How many times have I told you I'm on the salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein low-calorie diet?

What's so difficult about that?

It's not easy to get it on a shingle.

No.

We don't even belong in this teabag outfit.

Well, I know that. The, the--

Our company was just loaned to the British Army

to show them how to open spam or something.

All right. Why don't we see the captain?

We'll explain the whole situation to him.

He's a nice fellow. He'll cut some orders for us,

and then in a couple of days, we'll be home.

Ernie, this is the army, remember?

There are a couple of boys

trying to get home from Gettysburg.

They'll make it.

Inspecting something, I guess.

Why ain't they out fighting the war?

What do you want? Why aren't we fighting the war?

Because we want our side to win. That's why.

Sit down, chaps.

We're all in the same leaky boat.

Not us. We're supposed to be sailing on one tonight.

Our sick ones are waiting for us.

( all chuckle )

This military camp is now sealed

by order of the general commanding

by order of His Majesty's government,

and by order of the Prime Minister.

Uh-huh.

( imitating MacKenzie ): Hey! We shall fight them

on the beaches. We shall fight them on the streets.

But, uh, how can we fight them

if we can't get out of this ruddy camp?

Quiet, will you? I've gotta think.

Now, there must be somebody we know

that's got enough influence to get us out of here tonight.

( in normal voice ): There's only one man.

( imitates Hitler ): Sieg heil!

( all chuckle )

( speaking in German )

Now he'll run his whole Luftwaffe for you.

He has a gamut of three.

It's because he was raised in the German section of Brooklyn.

( all chuckling )

( in English ): There'll always be an England,

but they will be driving Volkswagens.

We will have the--

Ernie, your mustache fell in the potatoes.

It looks right at home.

( in normal voice ): Yeah, well...

See, without my patch, I have one good eye

with 20/20 vision and one bad eye

uh, in case of extreme myopia, you see.

And, uh, I wrote a letter to my draft board about it,

He's jolly good, you know?

The life of the party.

Do an imitation of the boat sailing

for the States without us.

( in rough voice): When the saints go marching in.

Will you quit fooling around?

( all chuckling )

( normal ): Honestly, we'll get going.

Of course.

I can just see MacKenzie Smith,

that one-eyed old slave driver

giving you permission to go.

Yeah, so can I. Yeah, here.

( clears throat )

( imitates MacKenzie ): Uh, um, speak up, young man.

Huh, what's his mother doing around in Rip Rolls. What?

Nuh-uh. Good heavens, man.

Why didn't you speak up sooner?

Oh, yes. I say unseal Britain,

and let my people go.

Don't encourage him, please.

Oh, that's the old bird to a tee.

your duty is merely to do your duty.

Do you understand? Obey orders.

Now yours is not to reason why.

Ours is not to reason why either.

If any stops to reason why,

we should all be in Miami Beach with Mother.

Ha, ha, I say, that's a rather witty one.

Well, uh, what?

Carry on.

Come on, chaps.

On the double.

Ernie.

Well, what for?

We're going out to the motor pool.

Grab a car. You'll sit in the back seat

and I'll drive you out, General.

I won't be impersonating an officer.

That's what I mean. I'll impersonate an officer.

Ernie, it's dark outside.

Don't you see how you fooled that limey captain?

wearing all that brass.

I'll make like your chauffeur. It's a cinch.

You must be out of your mind.

You don't even know how to drive.

The incredible just takes just a little bit longer.

and categorically no, no, no.

( tires screeching )

MAN 1: Hey!

( tires screeching )

MAN 2: Who goes there?

Oh, sorry, sir.

I didn't know you were visiting the camp, sir.

But I have strict orders, sir. Your orders not to let anyone

Quiet, sergeant.

( imitates MacKenzie ): Um, very good.

But I've just revoked the order,

and I am in a bit of a rush.

Open the barrier. There's a good man.

Sorry, sir, but you must prove your identity.

Blasted man, I have urgent business

at Supreme Headquarters.

I have no time to play Tin Soldier. Never have.

Now you know who I am.

Open the barrier or I shall have my man

drive through it!

Open.

( engine revs )

( in normal voice ): Once we get out of sight, I'll take the wheel.

I've got to hand it to you. Maybe it was you

who had the IQ of 185.

( tire bursts )

I guess it was mine.

Listen, you better get out and change that tire

before they try to come and help us.

Where do they hide the tools in these things?

I don't even know where they put the motor.

I can't do that. I'm the general.

So, be democratic.

Oh, stop worrying. They didn't even notice us.

Hey, I think I found the jack. Heh, look.

( car horn honking )

Look, I think I found a fuse.

( siren wailing )

( both nervously chattering )

Oh, what fender.

What to do?

Let me get out of here!

Lift up, so I can put the jack under here.

( screams ): Yeah, oh, God!

Get this thing up--

We have transport for you, sir. Please get in.

We'll take you to Supreme Headquarters.

I've got a better idea.

Take me to jail.

( dramatic theme playing )

MAN: Yes, yes. A remarkable resemblance to the general.

But we must be absolutely certain.

The Nazis, I'm sorry to say, escaped.

They've slipped through our fingers again,

up our sleeve as a last resort.

Finally, we seem to have stumbled on a man

who has a chance of carrying it off.

Yes, but yeah, you've seen the report on this fellow?

He's a hypochondriac, a malingerer,

a confirmed grouser, he's got flat feet--

But it made a monkey out of the Sergeant Le Garde.

Nonsense. At night, and for a few seconds only.

Colonel.

We're both in intelligence and both understand

that could get us committed to a booby hatch

There's something in that.

Now sometimes the long chance is the only chance.

Perhaps you're right.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll have this fellow, Private Williams,

brought in tomorrow and leave it to the general to make

the final decision. How's that?

The general himself?

Heh, one thing we've learned from you Americans,

my boy, the higher you pass the buck,

the longer it takes to come back to you.

( upbeat theme playing )

NARRATOR: Our code name for this chap was to be Dead Pigeon.

Goodness, do you think he heard me?

Okay, Corporal. We'll take it from here.

Come along.

Sir Lawrence, this is Project 402.

Good heavens.

Oh, please don't judge by

his present unprepossessing appearance, sir.

Z-2 has investigated him thoroughly, sir.

This man has an amazing ability for mimicry.

Oh, jolly, we'll have to make sure.

Step forward, man.

Step forward, damn it!

Uh...

Turn around.

Faster!

I can't turn around any faster, sir.

If I turn around fast, I get dizzy

and nauseous and everything, sir.

Yes, sir.

It's like this, sir. You see, sir.

It's a form allergenic vertigo, sir.

It's, uh, a deviation of the inner ear.

It's quite an interesting problem medically.

I wrote a letter to draft board, explaining the whole thing.

MACKENZIE: What is this ruddy nonsense? I say, stop it, you hear.

Halt!

I say there is a vague physical resemblance, but I do say,

chaps, don't you think we're going a bit near the knuckle?

Oh, excuse me. MI-5 have also investigated this man, sir.

Tested him thoroughly.

His impersonation of you is skillful even uncanny.

Please don't judge too hastily, sir.

Yes, yes, yes. Of course.

Mm, uh.

Uh ,what did you say this chap's name was?

Williams. Private Ernest Williams.

MACKENZIE: Yes, of course. Uh, you.

Let me hear you play General MacKenzie-Smith

in your uncanny and skillful way.

( coughing and gibbering )

Would you mind putting out that cigar, sir?

I'm allergic to tobacco.

My sinuses simply are not equipped to handle it, sir.

It's all in that letter, page four, paragraph three.

Look here, man! I haven't got all day!

General Eisenhower is waiting.

Oh, tell him not to, sir. I don't do him.

( sneezes )

Of all the blithering idiots, I give you exactly five seconds

to comply with my order or I'll ruddy well have you

taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic to that too?

( imitates Mackenzie ) : Of all the blithering idiots,

I give you exactly five seconds to comply with my order

or I'll ruddy well have you taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic to that too?

Rather good, me boy. Rather good.

I say, that's quite a remarkable resemblance.

I'm glad you think so, sir.

Yes, I do.

My congratulations, dear fellow.

Yes, yes. Quite remarkable.

Blast me if I don't think he'll do.

( in normal voice ): You're not going to shoot me

Have you been told about your assignment?

Assignment?

We'll take care of that later. He hasn't been told a thing.

Face the general.

Oh, excuse me, Sir.

Uh, what will you have?

What?

I'm on a salt-free, fat-free, high-protein,

low-calorie, low-cholesterol diet, sir.

Blast it, man! Anyone who wants to step into

my shoes better learn to drink my brandy.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, sir. I think they let me keep it, sir.

I have it. Oh, uh. No, that's the Hitler mustache.

I can tell by the mashed potatoes.

( imitates MacKenzie ): All leaves casual forthwith for the fortnight.

That's the wrong eye, you idiotic nincompoop!

A mistake like that might be tragic.

Well, you see, sir, I have one good eye

and one eye with very poor vision.

When I imitate you, sir, I always put the patch

on the bad eye so I can see.

But if you insist on it, sir, I can put it on the good eye,

Here, man. Here's your drink. Drink up.

Sir, I have a liver condition--

There'll be steel through it if you don't.

Alcohol makes the enzymes in my blood have their own--

Be quiet, man, or I'll have you hanged

for insubordination!

( stammers ): Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

If that's what you really want.

Sorry, sir.

I, uh, can't see a thing, so I should always wear it on.

Ooh, uh, say, huh...

For heaven's sake, man, drink up

and get out of my sight.

Oh, uh, excuse me, sir.

( Ernest gibbering )

Yes, sir.

Uh, yes.

Take him out and try to persuade him to desert.

Yes, sir.

Come along. You've got him, Jeff.

MAN: The enemy expect the invasion here.

Now, at all costs, we must confuse

the German high command as to where the blow will really fall.

Already we've sent an actor

who resembles Field Marshal Montgomery

on a tour of North Africa to convince the enemy

that the attack will be launched from there.

Sound thinking.

Thank you, Private Williams.

Very kind of you.

Now, General MacKenzie-Smith will shortly take off by air

for Yugoslavia

where the second front will really begin.

He must travel, of course, in complete secrecy, disguised.

Disguised perhaps as a private in the American army.

Private Ernest Williams.

I see.

And you want me to impersonate the general

for a while so that the German high command

will believe he is still in London?

Sound thinking.

Uh, thank you, sir. Very kind of you.

Uh, I've been doing some more sound thinking, sir

and, uh, ah, I don't think I want the job, uh, sir.

ERNIE: Well, sir, doing it for the fellows is one thing

but in real life, day after day uh, heh, I'm not even British.

I honestly don't think I could carry it off.

In that case, soldier, I'll arrange

for your Court-Martial immediately.

Thank you, sir. Uh, Court-Martial, sir?

Uh, Court-Martial?

Impersonating an officer is a capital offense.

I think the fellow is quite right.

An American. How could he be convincing as an Englishman?

You did, of course.

When does a colonel listen to a private, sir?

I mean, uh, I've been doing a lot of sound thinking

and I don't think there's anybody else

You don't?

Yes, sir. Uh, certainly on the surface

I may appear American to you but dash it all, underneath,

my roots go back to the Pilgrim fathers.

( imitating MacKenzie-Smith ): You do realize I play cricket every Whitsuntide?

For old Genenid...

( Ernest gibbering )

I don't know, sir, but I do know I'd like the job.

Under those circumstances,

I'll be happy to see that you get it.

You have nothing to worry about.

We'll give you a complete make up job.

Gray your hair.

We'll put you through a whale of a training program.

You'll study the general's actions,

appearance, friends, the whole works.

When we get through, you'll not only look like the general

That may be necessary too.

I can't do that. You see, Colonel?

I'm on a salt-free, fat-free, high-protein,

low-cholesterol low-calorie diet.

We'll cross that alcoholic bridge when we come to it.

Uh, I want you both

to know that I'm very happy to do anything

that will make sure that the government of the people

by the people and for the people

shall not perish from this earth.

Thank you, Honest Abe.

Four score and seven years ago,

or forefathers brought forth upon this land a low-calorie,

( sad theme playing )

cottage cheese, which is the only--

( sighs )

Don't you think perhaps we ought to tell him?

Tell him what?

That a spy ring of German agents are operating

within our own headquarters?

That's already made three attempts

on MacKenzie-Smith's life.

It may be wise to risk someone else's life

for the generals but-- I don't altogether agree

with you Americans, you know?

ought to be told the truth and allowed to volunteer.

Colonel, in two years of army service

Private First Class Ernest Williams

has never volunteered for anything

including volleyball.

My only regret is he only has but one life

to give to his country.

Consider him our rebuttal for Britain.

All right, Jeff, my boy. You may be right.

Here you are, then.

Heh. To Lend Lease.

( upbeat theme playing )

Will you be needing the car again this evening, sir?

Uh, no. That will be all.

You're dismissed, sergeant. Thank you.

Yes, sir. Uh, the usual tonight, I assume, sir?

Uh, yes, yes. Yes, of course.

Very good.

You certainly fooled the general's driver.

Yeah.

How's the contact lens we fitted for you?

I had a little bit of difficulty with it at first, sir,

but I see out of it wonderfully now.

Oh, good, good.

I was wondering, sir.

Can I have this contact lens after I finish this job?

Don't quite know how we'd be able to get it away from you.

By the way, have you got the spare lens we gave you?

Yes. Yes. I have it right here.

Where is it? Don't lose it.

The general's suite

Yes?

Sergeant Twickenham and his bad manners is waiting.

He's been told everything.

Tomorrow you make your

I do?

Launching the Joint Allied Red Cross

with General Zlinkov of the Red Army.

Don't forget

No, I won't, sir.

Go straight upstairs.

No, I won't.

Good night.

Good night.

I said "evening."

Pretty good, huh.

You should have caught me at the airport.

Ahem! Men, we have an enormous job of work to do.

the Allied victories there is nothing in the world

that we must value as highly as discipline.

Heh, pretty cute, huh?

The resemblance is absolutely astounding, sir.

But if I might suggest?

Head back.

Not too far, sir.

Uh, slight trace of a limp in the left leg.

Wounded in France.

Oh!

No, sir. Paris.

Lady in a spiked heel.

The general was barefoot at the time.

They told me he was married.

Yes, sir. That too.

Lady Margaret, lovely girl.

She's in Canada, you know,

on a war savings bond drive.

That's good. I'll have to remember to keep my shoes on.

( doorbell buzzes )

You forgot your briefcase, sir.

As usual.

Yes. Thank you.

Uh, yes, uh, quite. Thank you very much.

Good night. Pip, pip. Cheerio.

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

You may go back to the motor pool, Sergeant.

Beastly night, though, isn't it, sir?

Double beastly, actually. Well, good night, sergeant.

Carry on. Press on. Pip, pip.

Tally ho, and, uh, you may fall out.

What?

What's wrong with you?

Of course, Larry. You're the general.

Yes, of course. Quite.

I must investigate this absolutely thoroughly.

I think you'll find everything where it should be.

Good night, sergeant.

Good night, general.

Sergeant!

As usual.

( romantic theme playing )

Twickenham!

Comman--!

What's wrong with you tonight, darling?

You're acting a little cold, aren't you?

Cold.

Yes, that's what I have. A beastly...

( coughs )

You had better leave. You might catch it.

I know a lovely way to break up a cold, Larry

or have you forgotten?

You were very distant towards me

in the car tonight, darling.

I, uh, hope you're not holding what happened

last Thursday PM against me.

Not at all. Not a bit.

Not a smidgen. Not a wit.

No, no. Not even Wednesday AM.

Wednesday AM?

( both chuckles )

Larry, you mad fool!

( moaning )

Ah, you haven't change a bit, after all, heh.

( both sigh )

( both kiss )

Do...

Do you really think she has a cure for the common cold?

I wouldn't doubt it for a moment, sir.

That's what my speech is about tomorrow.

I did try to warn you, sir.

Yeah. Well.

Uh, what am I gonna do?

It would be dangerous to arouse suspicion, sir.

After all, the general has got a reputation with the ladies.

I know that, but I'm on a salt-free, fat-free,

high-protein, low-calorie low-cholesterol diet.

You better get me out of here.

Tell her anything. Tell her something.

Tell her I've, uh, gone to visit a war.

I'm engaged in a secret conference.

Tell her anything. I've got to get out.

( doorbell buzzes )

Oh, no, sir. I once asked her.

( panting )

It's Lady Margaret, sir. The general's wife.

Lady Margaret? You told me she's in Canada on a bond tour.

What kind of a war is this, anyway?

I thought we were fighting the Germans.

Hey, you keep Margaret busy. I'll get rid of Dr. Cronkite.

Sergeant. Sergeant? Where are you?

Sergeant? I say, Sergeant, where are you?

STANHOPE: In here, Larry.

What? Oh!

Ah.

You impetuous beast.

I'm sorry, your baggage. My wife, you know.

What am I supposed to do?

( panting )

Out of the bath, into your clothes,

Hm, the usual.

( sighs )

Larry.

Maggie!

( gibbers )

I say it's absolutely wizard to have you back, old girl.

Larry!

I-- Don't I do that to you?

I'm terribly sorry. I was absolutely overcome, you see.

Been ghastly lonely, you know. Just me and Ike and Monty

and Charlie de Gaulle.

Larry, you know I don't find you amusing any longer.

If you don't mind, I'd like to take a bath

( pants )

What?

I mean, there's been awful trouble with the plumbing.

I had to pitch in myself, you see.

Do you realize that all the good plumber are in intelligence now?

That, ha, ha... That's a rather good one.

Rather I'll have it fixed straight away.

Now what, darling?

Oh, you are a bit slower this evening.

Quickly, dear. On the double.

Oh!

You seem so different.

You've changed.

What's happened to all the passion?

Passion. Poetry.

Yes. Good night. Good night.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

that I say good night till it be morrow.

Oh, Larry!

In dreams I kiss your hand, madame.

But drink to me only with thine eyes.

I'd be down to get you in a taxi, honey,

but you'd better be ready

Yes! Here, dear!

Sorry, I took so long.

I had a bit of difficult, but it's all fixed now.

Eh, dreeded it for. Uh, drewed it for you.

Difficult language, isn't it?

Oh, capital idea.

Absolutely capital. Yes.

Uh, I'm a bit fagged out myself.

I think I should turn in myself.

Come over here, Larry. Come here.

What ever for?

Well, I want to talk to you.

Yes.

( sighs )

How are Toronto Maple Leafs doing this season?

( sighs )

And how is your dear mother?

Gears lock. Absolutely smashing.

Received a letter only yesterday.

My dear Larry, your mother has been dead for over two years.

Well, the mails are terribly slow these days.

and traffic lights and that sort of thing.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Twickenham!

Twickenham!

Your Ladyship.

You'll excuse my forwardness but I took the liberty of calling

MI-5 military intelligence.

Colonel Somerset's on the line he'll explain everything to you.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Don't let him out of your sight.

I guess I didn't fool her at all.

Don't worry, sir.

The general never does either.

Larry's where? Yes, I did return unexpectedly.

Project 402?

Dead Pigeon?

What is this soldier supposed to do?

Now, Colonel Somerset, are you serious?

Does he know this?

He should be told.

Well ,yes, Colonel, if you say it's top secret,

not a word.

Poor unfortunate fool.

Uh, her Ladyship.

Ah, sorry, sir. She'll expect this.

That will be all, Twickenham.

Ah, yes, my lady.

I'm sorry about all this.

or I was supposed to try to convince you I was Larry or--

Oh.

You may put your hands down.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, wouldn't like to cause any embarrassment.

I could sleep outside on the couch or something.

No, heh, we'll play the game to the hilt.

You sleep in Larry's bed. He seldom used it anyway.

I still have the gun, soldier.

( chuckles )

I hope you'll forgive my being a bit shaky, but, uh,

I mean I've met a lady, but

I had a peculiar idea

that you'd be wearing a crown or

coronet or a halo. Something like that.

Oh, I haven't worn a halo in years.

You could have fooled me.

Lady Margaret, I'm curious about something.

Did I play the part well enough to fool you?

I wouldn't mean permanently,

but momentarily when we first met.

Oh, that's when you made your first mistake.

Because Larry hasn't kissed me hello in ages.

He hasn't?

he never bothered to hide them from me.

That might be an expression of an inferiority complex.

It could mean that he loves you very much.

I wish I could be as forgiving as that

but I came back from Canada

to ask Larry to give me a divorce.

War hero or no.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Maybe all he needs is to go and see a psychoanalyst.

I once had an uncle who hated my aunt.

He went to see an analyst every day for six months

at $25 a visit.

He learned to love her all over again.

Then he ran out of money, so she divorced him.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this,

except that it has absolutely nothing to do

with your situation at all.

If you're supposed to have fooled Larry's friends

and I presume you are,

you've got an awful lot to learn.

You have?

Yes. I've been down to the headquarters,

and they've been showing newsreels of him

and I've been reading biographies

and I've been practicing too.

Yes.

Limping and swagger-sticking.

I ever put a mark on my eye

where the patch is supposed to go over, heh.

Larry doesn't need any patch any more than you do.

He doesn't?

It's just that one eye has a tendency

to become quite bloodshot after five or six brandies,

his usual condition.

I don't like officers like that

They think they're winning the war.

You're winning the war, Private Williams.

No, not me.

I'm not doing anything much.

I'll be finished in a few days.

I think you'd better get some sleep

Yeah.

Uh, good night, Your Ladyship.

Good night, Project 402.

NARRATOR: Our man from Brooklyn remained a perfect gentleman all night.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( speaking in Russian )

What'd I say?

Ah, you said, "My old friend, Marshall Zlinkov.

It's been a long time since those gay old days in Moscow."

Yes, I've got that phrase down pretty pat, but

suppose the general asks me something else in Russian.

I can't keep telling him about the gay old days in Moscow.

I shall be on the platform with you,

and I shall tap you when you must answer.

Once for nyet, meaning no.

Twice for da, meaning--

Three times for mozhet byt, meaning yes.

We're getting close to the area. Once for nyet, meaning da.

Once for da. Two nyets for mozhet, meaning--

Here, here. How about a spot of brandy for the nerves?

No, thank you. I don't.

You don't happen to have any yogurt in there?

Yeah.

None.

You better have the brandy yourself. Ah, twice for yeah.

I get out of the car and everybody cheers.

I step on the platform. Everybody cheers.

I deliver the speech. Everybody cheers.

I get back in the car,

and they go out of their minds, cheering, heh.

We're here.

Ah, Twig, we're here.

Ah, Twickenham.

It's no time to fall asleep.

I've got to remember the nyets and the--

Twickenham! Twickenham, say something.

Take him out. Hurry, they're cheering you.

What's the matter?

Yes, yes.

Poor Twickenham.

High blood pressure. And a touch of malaria.

Malaria, I believe.

But he had such a good complexion.

But he also had cirrhosis of the liver and a weak heart.

Cirrhosis.

You never know who's gonna go next, do you?

Sometimes you do.

You take care of him.

Go on. They're waiting. Good luck.

Uh, maybe if he'd been on a fat-free--

I don't think that would have helped.

Look, I can't go out there. Look at that crowd.

You've got to.

You can fool some of the people all of the time

and all of the people some of the time.

But the first fellow who said that was shot.

( suspenseful theme playing )

MAN ( over PA ): May I welcome you on behalf of the United States Army.

Also on behalf of our distinguished visitors,

Marshall Gregory Zlinkov of the Army of the Soviet Union,

General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith

of the British General Staff.

( all cheering )

We gather here on the eve of the invasion.

You men will spearhead the attack

and rest assured in the knowledge

that today as we launch a new drive

for the plasma that will bring to the floor--

Tovarish, doctor.

( speaking in Russian )

( speaking in Russian )

General MacKenzie-Smith, you speak the marshal's language.

Would you explain to your old friend

We're not taking any blood samples.

( both speaking in Russian )

I believe he said this reminds him

of the gay old days in Moscow.

I say, what are they doing there?

Da.

( groans )

( chuckles )

MAN: Hero.

Carry on.

Men, we have further good news.

After intensive research,

the medical corps of the United States Army

is passing along to its allies

Those two enemies of seaborne landings

mild burn exposure have finally been conquered.

One shot of serum D-104,

and seasickness becomes an old wives' tale.

( speaks in Russian )

( speaking in Russian )

( chuckles )

We have also developed S-604, a new anti-influenza vaccine.

Gentlemen,

never has the army had two such distinguished guinea pigs.

Not at all.

Ready? Oh, yes.

Uh, pardon me.

Ah, no, sir. These are in the arm.

Oh, terribly sorry.

I say, do be gentle.

Thank you.

Uh...

( grunts )

Molodets, heh.

Men of the invasion forces, the hero of Dunkirk,

El Alamein and Tobruk,

General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith.

( all applauding )

As you are, men.

Men...

no longer the discomfort of seasickness.

As you men are the spearhead of the invasion

disembarked from your landing craft,

you will be so healthy and so fit

that your condition will come as a complete surprise

to the German army.

And so I say to our gallant allies, hip, hip.

Achoo! Pardon.

Let me hip, hip, achoo.

( gunshots )

( man groaning )

I'm afraid I'm not much of a cook,

but this is the best I could do without Twickenham.

Twickenham.

That was the fastest case of cirrhosis I've ever seen

in my whole life.

What about that stray bullet that knocked my hat off?

Boy, that was really close.

You'd better eat properly.

I'm supposed to ride through Trafalgar Square in an open car.

They want me to sit up on the back

so that the people can see me when they cheer.

I'm a symbol, you know.

You're a target.

A target.

A sitting duck.

Do you know what the code name for you is?

German Secret Service

has been trying to kill my husband

and you've been set up to take his place.

No, no. He's going to Yugoslavia to open a second front.

All the English troops are going to Yugoslavia because he said

that when he went to Yugoslavia, all the troops would be able to

be able to attack behind the Danube.

Dead Pigeon?

Do you know why we're giving that party tonight

for the officers of Larry's old regiment?

No. You mean the MacKenzie First Highlanders? No.

They've learned that the chief agent

And tonight, they've invited everyone

they suspect of wanting to kill you.

( objects clatter )

I'm sorry. I'm getting out of here right now.

I'm turning in my eye patch, sir. And my mustache.

I figured out your whole cold-blooded scheme.

Pretty clever, wasn't it?

If they don't get me at the party,

at Trafalgar Square.

You can have your pips back.

I'd rather be a private in the front lines under fire

from shot and shell, sir.

Don't take that literally, too, sir.

I'm sorry, Colonel Somerset. I suppose I've broken security

but I couldn't let you do it to him.

That's all right.

I understand how you feel, of course

but it's a matter of military necessity.

But there's been a change in the situation.

Why? Are they switching to knives?

No.

I'm sorry to have to break this news to you,

under these circumstances.

What's wrong, Colonel Somerset?

The aircraft that was taking General MacKenzie-Smith

supposedly to Yugoslavia

was in point of fact headed for invasion headquarters in Kent.

He was going a roundabout route to confuse the enemy.

It was, I regret to say,

Everybody lost, including I'm afraid, your husband.

You have my very deepest sympathy, Lady Margaret.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you. I'm all right.

It's strange that at a time like this

you only remember the good moments.

So you understand our strategy has completely changed.

The sad death of General MacKenzie Smith

will delay the second front for weeks.

You must be at the party tonight for the general's old regiment.

Even though you think somebody at the party

is going to try to knock me off?

We're sure of it, but this will make the whole thing work.

When they expose themselves,

that will give us opportunity of breaking the spy ring.

I see. Before or after they try to kill me?

Oh, before, naturally, heh. We hope.

Oh, look, sir. I like to go to parties,

but I'd like to go home afterwards.

Under the circumstances, Williams,

the decision must be yours. This is not an order.

Oh. well, in that case--

But you must realize thousands of Allied lives

may depend upon you.

We have no right to ask you to commit what might be suicide.

Well, in that case--

But the whole of the United States Army is at stake.

Williams, what do you say?

Help!

Don't forget for a moment that you're in danger.

Be careful.

Heh.

Don't trust anyone.

Um, ahem.

Remember, if you want to convince them

you're really Larry.

Fine.

How's it going, vicar?

At the end of the evening you'll get boring drunk.

And you and I must have a large family brawl.

How do you do?

We may even strike each other.

You must try.

How do you do?

Mm-hm?

If anything happens to me tonight,

I want you to know these have been nicest two days

I've ever had in my whole life.

Mm-hm.

( car horn honks )

MAN: And there he was General Biff Browningham

with only one chukka to play.

And I.

Pardon me.

Excuse me. Who's the gentleman that just arrived in?

Oh.

He was in the MacKenzie Highlanders.

Just an acquaintance of Larry's -Mm-hm.

Been in the Middle East.

Hmm.

Well, that's good because I couldn't stand all details.

MAN: A drink, your ladyship?

No, thank you.

Um, look here, sergeant.

( coughs )

( gulps )

WOMAN: That's General Brown Wiffingham.

Commanding South Hampton Staging Area.

Oh, yes. I recognize him from the regimental photo.

Uh, we're supposed to be very good chaps.

And he calls me, oh, um, he calls me Binky,

and I call him Puffy.

Puffy.

It's kind of nauseating. Isn't it?

Well, you're very fond of him.

But you're not crazy about him.

Oh.

Binky, heh!

Hello, Penelope.

How are all the children?

Didn't you get my letter from New Delhi?

Oh, yes. That was too bad.

What is too bad?

I mean, I was absolutely overjoyed.

About what?

Em, eh, I save stamps, you know.

( all laughing )

You can have you head blown off and still say something witty.

Have your head blown off?

Oh.

Good evening.

It's a pleasure, Lady Margaret.

I don't think you or the general know my wife.

How do you do?

Head blown off.

We intercepted a radio message.

They've changed their plan.

I don't know what they're trying now.

No, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm following it up.

Nothing could possibly happen.

Oh.

I know everything about everybody.

Oh, my dear.

Now, what can we do for you, eh?

What would you like?

Oh, the usual.

( thuds )

WOMAN: Good heavens.

Lady Vivian.

I was hoping she wouldn't find out about the party.

She'll ruin everything.

Come on. Let's meet her.

Yes.

Yes?

What have you got to say for yourself?

Head blown off.

Oh, Aunt Vivian, I'm so sorry.

Larry's favorite aunt

and I forgot to invite you.

Yes. A complete oversight, but my apologies, dear auntie.

Auntie?

You've never referred to me as auntie.

I didn't?

Old Iron Drawers was the kindest word

Yes. Iron Drawers.

I know this was a deliberate slight.

It wasn't at all, Auntie Drawers.

I mean the Larry, what's wrong with you?

Wrong with me? There's nothing wrong at all.

You know when I walk into a room your eye always twitches.

You see there I finally managed to over come it.

I don't twitch at all now that.

There's something strange about you.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Well, you see, Iron Drawers, I mean auntie,

I'm not quite myself tonight.

Oh, I have noticed improvement.

( stammering ): Yes. I, uh, um...

A drink?

Well, I can't have.

Where's the bar?

What's wrong?

My contact lens. She knocked it out.

No. Who are you?

Head blown off.

Must have gone under the table. -Everybody's looking.

Drop your earrings so we can go after it.

My goodness. I lost my hearing. -Oh, you clumsy fool.

You've dropped your earring?

Oh, where's the table?

Left rudder, you fool.

( cat meowing )

Pss. Pss. Pss.

Puss, come on. Give me that lens.

I'll buy you a monocle.

( meowing )

Would you gimme. Gimme. Pss. Pss. Pss. Pss.

What are you? A German spy?

There you are. Did you find it?

Where's the other contact lens?

But wait a minute.

There's a car in the street blinking its light

and I think it's a signal of some kind.

Don't worry. I'll see to it. Go and get the lens first.

You join the others.

Yes. I will. Oh, good heavens. The cat.

Ooh.

No.

Where have you been all this time?

I have your drink ready.

No, but I'm not thirsty actually.

Yes.

A toast?

Eh, to the king.

ALL: To the king. God bless him.

( coughs )

I shall be going back there then.

Come back.

God bless him.

I've forgotten, sir.

Eh, favorite what?

Why Captain Patterson,

everyone knows Sir Lawrence only smokes these.

Eh.

( gibbers )

Binky, you always had the finest taste in cigars and women.

Another toast.

To the, uh, regiment.

No.

To the regiment.

( all singing indistinctly )

You have to sing something.

Okay.

The regimental song, Larry.

Don't you remember it, sir?

Of course I do.

Yes. He always leads us into it.

( mumbling )

Come on, love.

( all singing indistinctly )

( coughs )

♪ Drink a toast ♪

A toast, Larry. To the regiment!

ALL: To the regiment!

( speaking indistinctly )

To the regiment.

ALL: To the regiment!

( band playing music )

( crowd laughing )

I tell you. I think he's marvelous.

Yes. Isn't he?

Gracious heaven.

Larry! Larry!

( woman speaking indistinctly )

Stop, Larry! Stop!

You're making a travesty of the regiment.

And of our native land.

One thing you never made fun of, Larry, was Scotland.

Well, look at me.

What?

There's something strange going on.

WOMAN: Do you know what I think?

I think you're not even--

Not even sober.

Larry. How can you disgrace me like this?

Night after night?

Look here old girl. I've had about enough of this.

I'll drink how I want,

Oh!

You sober fish wife.

No, I.

How dare you do that to me!

( crowd speaking indistinctly )

Ooh, that's our Larry, all right.

One thing Scotland knows how to make and that's whiskey.

( chuckles )

and you missed me and you hit Lady Vivian.

No, I was cheating. I could see a little.

Heh, and what was the last thing I hit you with?

( in low voice): The cat.

( both laughing )

Yes.

Uh, is your eye all right?

Oh, no. No, it's quite all right.

Just like old times.

( coughs )

Em, do you know that song I coughed tonight?

Yes.

It, eh, it's very much like a song

we used to sing in the 4h grade.

Well, that's quite possible.

Many of these old Scottish heroes were used

over the years with different person.

How did it go back in the 4th grade?

I wonder If I can remember it.

♪ When the fine mist of Scotland ♪

♪ Is over the land ♪

♪ I am dreaming of making And remembering when ♪

♪ We would stroll Here together ♪

♪ With her eyes Like the heather ♪

♪ She had sole my heart ♪

♪ Many the year That has past us ♪

♪ Since we've been apart ♪

♪ But my wee darlin', Maggie ♪

♪ Is still in my heart ♪

♪ With her eyes Like the heather ♪

♪ And skin fresh as dew ♪

♪ To my wee darling Maggie ♪

♪ I will e'er be true ♪

Why not?

Well, it was all right before,

I don't think I should sleep in this room.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

It's not supposed to.

( phone rings )

MacKenzie Smith here.

Oh, hello, Colonel Somerset.

Well, that's wonderful.

Fine.

Good work. Yeah.

Well, I think they've got their man.

Tomorrow at this time,

they think I'll be able

to back to being Private Ernie Williams again.

Just a minute. Will you tell me something?

Do you want to go back to being Private Ernie Williams?

You can get used to almost anything.

( cat meows )

Sorry. Go find a louse.

Yes.

the entire show magnificently.

would ever have been.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not as brave as Larry

I'd be brave enough to do what I really want to do.

And what do you really want to do?

But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

This.

( bell rings )

ERNIE: Who is it?

Sergeant Stanhope, sir.

An urgent message from Major Houston.

Ernie.

The eye patch. The moustache.

Thank you, sergeant.

Hmm.

Ordered to headquarters immediately.

The car's waiting down below

with the major, sir.

I'll be down directly. Thank you, sergeant. Press on.

Well, I guess they got him.

and the general's eye patch and the general's wife.

Well, for taking advantage of the situation just now.

I, uh, I guess we both had a little too much to drink.

Oh, uh, would you do me a great favor?

Of course.

Well, after the war, if you ever get to Brooklyn,

Yes?

Don't look me up. Nobody'll ever believe it.

( engine revs )

( door closes )

I say, this is silly bother,

scurrying about at night like a ruddy obstetrician.

I'll wager there's no emergency at all.

Would you care to risk a fiver?

Three sheets of the wind, eh?

Aw, what you need, young man, is some, uh, tomato juice,

raw egg, Worcestershire sauce and...

Head blown off.

I say, the Major is dead.

Uh, would you stop... The Major...

I say. Would you...

Uh, the Major is quite dead, you know.

I say. Would you stop...

Uh, look, the man...

Well, here, please. You're out of uniform.

Uh, um...

The Major is quite... Say something.

Say something else.

Don't attempt to escape or the Major will have company.

but not quite clever enough.

You'll never get away with this.

I say, Stanhope, turn the car around.

Not tonight, General.

But if you turn the car around, I'd promise you the usual.

I hated every minute of it.

Good show there.

( dramatic theme playing )

NARRATOR: I never suspected her for a moment. This is terrible.

( dramatic theme playing )

Welcome to Berlin, General MacKenzie Smith.

You are now the guest of the Third Reich.

Now, all we wish is a little information.

And we shall see that you are given

a charming house in the country,

servants, wine, frauleins. Whatever you may wish.

And you will be able to sit out the rest of the war

in complete comfort.

All we ask is that you tell us the truth.

MAN: Precisely.

You see, uh, I'm an American soldier

and my name is Private First Class Ernie Williams,

serial number, uh, 347236.

And I was supposed to go back to America

because my mother is very sick.

Only she isn't very sick.

She's in Miami Beach with a bathing--

Oh! Oh!

What happened to the house in the country?

My dear General, you have a reputation for playing games.

We have not.

Unless you answer our questions honestly and quickly,

we will have no alterative but to order you shot.

Oh!

MAN; And we are waiting to hear it.

You see this eye patch?

MAN: Oh. General.

And, uh, look at that moustache.

Oh. What ha...

Ugh. Must be the glue. It got stuck in the sea air.

You see I haven't had it off for a few days.

( screams )

Forget it . It's mine.

But you simply have to believe how it all got started.

You see, I was doing imitations for a couple of the fellas.

And uh, heh, I do imitations, you see.

Well, look. Maybe I can explain it to you better.

( clears throat )

We survive them on the beaches.

We survive them in the villages.

We will never surrender.

( grunts )

Uh, I got a better one.

Oh, when the saints--

Ahem. Well, maybe this one will do it.

I got a real good one here. We have, hmm...

( speaks German )

ALL: Heil Hitler!

( grunting )

Oh. Well, I...

Heh, nobody seems to like that one.

MAN: General MacKenzie Smith.

Perhaps you do not understand us.

You have vital information on the timing

and location of the second front.

I have?

But because of your respect for you,

I do not with to see you reduced

to a shattered hulk of a man.

MAN: Are you trying to make us believe

That's right. It was all a phony and you fellas fell for it.

You see this grey stuff they put in my hair?

It washes out with soap and water.

Look. I'll show you. I told them it was no good.

I have to touch it up every night.

Even in the rain it comes out.

Here. I'll show you.

Maybe they used a new brand It...

Oh, it's me.

I've turned white.

See you've done it.

Poisoning Twickenham and that shot through my head

and, uh, the submarine.

Oh, if you fellas only knew what I've been through.

Oh, you do know. Don't you?

It is only the beginning my dear, General.

Take him away.

Throw him in a cell.

Use the usual methods.

Not the usual.

MAN: One more thing.

Our operatives in England are everywhere.

You understand? Everywhere.

And they are led by a man so highly placed

British intelligence would never suspect.

It is not only your life that is in jeopardy.

But that of your wife. Lady Margaret.

( speaking in German )

Heil Hitler.

You'll never get away...

( dramatic theme playing )

NARRATOR: The news spread through

the German high command like wildfire.

MacKenzie Smith had broken down

and agreed to talk

after being tortured continuously

for three solid minutes.

MAN: Good evening here, General.

Let us get this filthy business over with.

MAN: This is a great moment for the Third Reich.

We have broken MacKenzie Smith.

Heh, this will please the Fuehrer immensely.

I presume, gentlemen, he will go into his dance again.

Be careful, general.

May I remind you once more.

We have many operatives in England. Many of them.

The one who leads them

is a very good friend of your family.

And of your wife.

It doesn't matter. She will be safe enough.

If you talk.

Now, here, General.

We have here a most interesting map.

England, German, France.

All military objectives carefully indicated.

You shall be the professor

and we will be your willing students.

The time, the location and the strength

of the allied invasion.

Gentlemen, when I finish

you will know as much about this blasted invasion

as I do. Perhaps even more.

Sorry. I was carried away, old chap.

Uh, bit of tear in the eye and that sort of thing.

I say, it's a bit of a blur to realize

ERNIE: Righto.

Well, a concentration of troops in Southern England

actually is a ruse, you see.

Uh, we shall do the main attack

in the soft underbelly of Monte Carlo, right here.

You see. I say. Surprise, eh?

Caught you on a sticky wicket. What?

Well, you see actually, um, mm, right here

is where we're going to a small attack of naval vessels.

The LCTs, the BBDs, the LSMFTs,

the IRT and the CIO and the, uh, SMFR are our IUT.

What artillery? What infantry? Who are their commanders?

What are their immediate objectives?

Okay. Write this down over there.

( speaking German )

I shall tell you in a minute.

You see, Captain, Brigadier General, Father Ingrad,

( gibbering ): the Argyle Highlanders,

have taken the largest one of the troops

as a haven for...

And of course, there's... Tech here,

which, hmm, of course will terminate at the edge or tip.

And here, regarding the subways,

they will have a remarkable incentive,

and, of course, the troops are all employed

and all the frontal assault which have nothing...

I suppose they... Busy...

( blithering )

Than bottom, you see.

What have I done to England? I simply can't go on.

Control yourself, General.

You are a military man as we are.

We didn't understand a word.

It doesn't matter. Above all the signal.

Which signal do you mean?

Do not pretend, General.

Counter intelligence has told us

a signal is to be broadcast over the BBC

two days before D Day. A meaningless phrase.

To the French underground

to announce the date of the invasion.

I'll be down to get you in a taxi, honey.

And the hour.

The hour of the attack?

You'd better be ready about half past eight.

We'll be ready.

I wish I could be there when the band starts playing.

But you won't.

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself.

It's the only decent way left.

( speaking in German )

( dramatic theme playing )

( waltz theme playing )

( dramatic theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Einen moment.

Einen moment.

( speaking in German )

( all speaking in German )

( speaking indistinctly )

( truck horn honking )

( speaking indistinctly )

( whistle blowing )

( gunshot )

( indistinct chattering )

( woman screams )

( people speaking indistinctly )

( speaks in German )

( screams )

( alarm wailing )

( people speaking indistinctly )

( whistle blowing )

( speaking in German )

( all speaking in German )

( speaking in German )

Goodbye.

( speaks in German )

( whistle blowing )

( indistinct chattering )

( woman speaking in German )

( crowd screaming )

( all speaking in German )

( dramatic theme playing )

( speaking indistinctly )

( gunshot )

( women singing in German )

( speaks in German )

( audience applauding and cheering )

( band playing music )

( audience applauding and cheering )

NARRATOR: The German notes on this point were somewhat fragmentary.

But bear in mind that Sigmund Freud came from this country.

( man speaks in German )

( women screaming )

( speaking in German )

( audience applauding )

MAN: Fraulein Lilly.

( band playing music )

( singing in German )

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

( speaking in German )

( chuckles )

( indistinct chattering )

( singing in German )

( audience laughing )

( audience applauding )

( man speaking in German )

( chuckles )

( chuckles )

Oh!

( audience applauding )

( all speaking in German )

( all singing in German )

( dramatic theme playing )

( all speaking in German )

( man speaking in German )

I have to start the machine.

( all speaking in German )

( gunfire )

( plane engine whirring )

( all speaking in German )

( gunfire )

( gunfire )

( dramatic theme playing )

ERNIE ( speaking in English ): Stop! Stop! Let me outta here.

Just in time.

( speaking in German )

Don't shoot. Oh.

( Ernie speaking indistinctly )

Sir, we've captured a German paratrooper

attempting to infiltrate this headquarters.

He's demanded the right to see

the commanding officer personally.

MAN: Very well. Bring him in.

Bring in the prisoner.

Heh, Puffy! Puffy, am I glad to see you.

All right. I'll talk to the prisoner.

Prisoner? Puffy, don't you know me? I'm Binky.

ERNIE: I'm not really Binky.

Ernie. Yes. Private First Class Ernie Williams.

Heh, I fooled you. I fooled the Germans.

Heh, call Somerset. He'll tell you.

Wilson. This seems to be a top secret matter.

I'd like to get to the bottom of this alone.

Dismissed.

Oh, Puffy, if you know what I've been through.

I've been in submarines, airplanes. I've been in Berlin.

I've even been at the Gestapo headquarters.

Know what I did? I stole some of the papers

out of the secret files naming all the agents in England.

People you would never suspect. I've got them right here.

General Carleton Brown Wiffingham. Sergeant, er...

General Carleton Brown...

Yes, my dear Private Williams.

If that is who you are!

You'll never get away with this, Puffy.

Um, hello?

( dramatic theme playing )

Open up, please, sentry. Urgent.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't enter this headquarters.

Colonel Somerset is general staff.

He has my identification.

I'm sorry, sir.

Where's the Sergeant of the Guards?

This is a matter of life and death, Sergeant.

Open up, please.

Sorry, sir. All entry permits

have been cancelled for the day.

Orders of General Brown Wiffingham.

We've had General Brown Wiffingham

under surveillance for weeks.

Wilson! Hold that man.

The whole project, the Dead Pigeon.

Or I will be. Yeah, hello?

This German paratrooper is masquerading

as an allied soldier. Under the king's rules

and regulations he is guilty of espionage

and subject to immediate execution.

CARLETON: Wilson, the penalty for insubordination

is still the same. Take that spy out and have him shot.

Shot? Uh...

But Puffy, you and I played Rukka together for Scotland.

Ah, the MacKenzie Smith Highlanders.

( dramatic theme playing )

WILSON: Firing squad is ready, sir.

Dismissed.

No. Not you.

Maybe she's forgotten who I am.

You will tell her, won't you?

I mean you'll tell her that I wasn't scared at all.

I'll get word to Lady Margaret.

Cigarette?

No. No, thank you.

But I don't think one could hurt me.

Match?

( coughs )

That won't be necessary.

Prepare to aim!

Squad ready!

Aim!

Just a minute. I think I will have that blind fold.

WILSON: Squad rest. Rest. Rest!

Uh, not too tight. I get dizzy. See?

Squad ready! Aim!

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN ( over radio ): It is only fitting

that Britain today should do honor

( door bell rings )

to the valiant heroes

who have made this day possible.

are already familiar to you.

General Eisenhower forthwith...

Good afternoon, Lay Margaret.

Lovely day for England.

Huh? Thank you, madam.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't tell you before. Security reasons.

Anyhow we dashed down to the South Hampton

staging area hoping to get there on time.

By jove, that's a pretty dress you've got on.

Never mind about the dress.

We were held up at the gate.

The firing party had raised their rifles.

I heard the command,

Yes?

Good Lord. I'd love a cup of tea.

Oh, yes. Oh, tea.

Yes.

And what then?

Um, some milk and sugar if I may, please.

Private Williams. Oh, yes.

Yeah. He's absolutely fine.

We only got there in the nick of time.

It was a bit of a do.

Where is he? When can I see him?

How many lumps you put in here?

He can see you any time. He's at the base hospital.

Not much matter with him. Just shock and fatigue

and the after effects of smoking.

( man speaking indistinctly over radio )

Wonder if you'd mind if I turned up your radio.

MAN ( over radio ): General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie Smith.

The architect of the invasion.

The master planner

whom we had believed killed

in performance of his duties,

actually survived

and was taken prisoner by the Nazis.

I rejoice along with all of England

that he was liberated in the first among...

MARGARET: Larry.

We've just heard the news that--

Yes. I know.

Do try to control your joyous hysteria

at my return from the grave, Maggie.

I know how pleased you are to see me.

Oh, sir, Lawrence, you can't even begin to realize--

Oh, come off it, Somerset.

You were just as pleased to see me

Oh, no, please, please. Lawrence.

Will you get out of here!

I have a few matters of a very intimate nature

to discuss with my dearly beloved.

You may listen at the keyhole.

If you'll pardon me, I'm going over to the enemy.

Heil Hitler!

I see you haven't lost your charming ways

with your subordinates.

I hear you haven't either, my dear.

What's this I hear about you and that American private?

It's all true.

Oh, come now.

A penniless common soldier.

A complete nonentity.

I've had my fill of entities.

Next thing you'll be saying

you're in love with the blighter.

I am in love with the blighter.

Heh.

( romantic theme playing )

How did you manage? I mean, how...

Well, look, you see.

They wanted to give me a medal,

but all I asked for was a smart technician

from the Signal Corp with a recorder and a microphone.

That's why you heard what you did on the radio.

General Lawrence McKenzie Smith,

the architect of the invasion, the master planner.

I just had to make sure

Did you mean it?

And I had you fooled every minute.

Every minute.

NARRATOR: For those of you who are curious on what's going on in.. (?)

it's just the usual.