Original subtitles

Good to meet you. You’re adorable, you fucking peanut. I love it.

- You found him. - You guys, so good. Guys, take it easy.

I love you. I’m obsessed with you. Faggot convention over here.

How did Peter end up with a total fucking troll?

What in the gay hell? He kept cornering me all night,

and his breath smelled like old pennies.

Yes! That’s exactly what it was! Old pennies.

Hey, man. Can I get a cigarette and a light for a dollar, please?

Here, hand me this so you can...

What was that about? It’s like skin tags. Take them off your face.

They’re called tags for a reason. You know what I mean?

Just, like, all over his face, just on and on and...

Oh, I don’t have a dollar.

Anyway, did you notice too how his Adam’s apple

literally looked like he swallowed an arrow head.

- So sharp! - So sharp.

Fucking Olivia. Unbelievable.

You can’t just not wear a bra. You can’t just not wear a bra.

She’s looking good since she did Blue Print,

you must admit. - Oh, my God. Do not even say that.

This tastes like spunk.

But it’s like how am I supposed to express my creativity

and really stretch my wings if they don’t give a budget.

I’m a bird in a cage literally right now.

And I have to shit, and I’m in meatpacking, and nobody shits here.

Can you stop by the Duane Reade and get me some tampons?

It’s like Nicole Simpson up in here.

This is your selection, isn’t it?

I can tell this is yours because it’s really well curated.

Woke up this morning. He made me an exquisite breakfast.

- He’s so hot. - But I had plans with Benjamin,

and I made him pick me up at Jonathan’s house.

You’re such a slut. I’m obsessed with you.

- Why do you keep making me do this? - I’m a bad friend.

Oh, my God. Hide me, hide me. Please just help me.

- You’re being so dramatic. - No, you don’t understand.

- You’re such a queen sometimes. - No, he fisted me

at Kanye’s secret show at the Boom Boom Room at The Standard.

You’ve got to stop letting people put their fist up there.

- Just put your face in front of mine! - This is ridiculous.

I gotta say, originally I was kind of upset that you guys had a kid

because he was kind of screwing up my income stream, but he’s really cute.

I would have had you here every week

for the last two years if she wasn’t breast feeding.

I still really want it, though.

Are you guys doing anything fun tonight?

Well, not tonight, but tomorrow night my mom is taking him,

and we’re gonna go to Beacon

and stay with friends and get fucked up, and sleep.

Sorry. One second.

Hi, you still at the same address?

Yeah, and I don’t really have a lot of time.

No, okay. That’s fine. I’ll be there in an hour.

Okay, can you get here sooner than that though?

- I pressed X! - I pressed X.

- We’ll see. Bye. - Bye.

Oh, and also the one device that doesn’t have Blackbook on it.

So thanks, Dad. Merry Christmas, faggot.

Oh, my God. Kill yourself, Olivia. Just fucking kill yourself.

Have you seen her Facebook profile? She’s listing herself as an artist.

Listen, you dumb bitch, just cutting up a Klimt coffee table book

and making collages does not make you an artist.

- Her Tumblr’s actually beautiful. - Oh, my God.

Do not even say that. You’re just enabling her mediocrity.

Hey, dumb bitch, your boyfriend tried to sleep with me

after the Ginger and Rosa screening. Idiot.

Hey, man. Are you gonna give us a discount

since you were actually two hours late for us?

No. It’s Friday night. I’m very busy.

Calm down. Okay, so $50?

- All right. So babe, money. - No, I didn’t take out any cash today.

I have $63 in my account. I’m waiting on a paycheck.

Are you serious right now? I don’t even smoke. I’m not paying for this.

We got this weed because we told Erika...

You told Erika that we would trade her for coke.

But you’re gonna smoke half the bag before we even give it to her.

So I’ll shit out $50 right now? Where am I gonna get $50?

Max! Just go down to the bodega. It’s literally a 45 second walk.

No bodega. Because bodega takes $2, and Chase takes $3.

- I’ll go into overdraft immediately. - You are so ghetto.

You guys need to have this shit figured out before I get here.

No, it’s fine. We’ll just... We’ll all go to the Chase or Duane Reade together.

No, no, no. That’s not how it works, dude.

Listen... I just stay here with her, and you can go to the Duane Reade.

Are you fucking serious right now?

I am not staying here alone with a shady drug dealer.

- Where are you? I need to leave soon. - Hey, man.

Yeah, It’s taking a little while. I’ll be there.

It’s about fucking time.

You fucking kidding me?

Hey! Hey!

- Are we doing this? - Okay! Sorry, that’s our drug dealer.

He was at Bonnaroo and had a drug trip, and it changed him.

- Is that rose gold? - Yeah.

Oh, I love rose gold.

When I get married, I’m gonna get a rose gold band

with black diamonds. - Good.

Thank you so much. A plus customer service from you.

I wish I could tip you.

I have got to rally. I am so not feeling this tonight.

I know. I feel like poop.

- Not cool, man. - What?

You gonna give me 50 more dollars?

- Why would I do that? - You know why.

Oh, my God, you guys. Drama! What’s going on?

Your friend knows what’s going on.

I really... I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I came here with nine bags, and now I only have seven,

so either give me back the one you took, or you give me another $50.

Well, I took one from you, which I literally just paid you for,

so our transaction is over, and you should be walking out my door right now.

Just give it back. I’m not gonna do anything. Just give it back. Or...

Or what? You’re gonna call the police?

File a report?

You know what? Fuck it. You can have it.

I hope you enjoy it because you’re blacklisted now. Good night, assholes.

- Yeah, well, you smell like dick cheese. - You were molested as a kid.

I like this, so I’m gonna take it.

Thanks for the tip, chuckleheads.

It’s okay. I took three bags.

That stupid stoner doesn’t even know how to count.

How do you think he knew you were molested?

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