Original subtitles

Yum yum.

I love it.

Better than roadkill any day of the week.

Are there any witches on there?

We need a witch to burn.

Do you have any witches?

My sister's a witch.

No, she's a witch.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Come have some.

Me and my friend want to share with you.

We made it on the farm.

It's corn whiskey.

Goes straight to your soul.

Happy hayride!

What?

That's not funny.

Oops. Missed.

Would any of you like to be a target?

I'm just kidding.

It's not even loaded.

Not cool man.

You're missing one thing.

Eye of nute, and your leg!

I lost my head!

I lost my head!

Has anyone seen my head?

Don't be unreasonable, Sam.

We're only doing what's in your best interest.

The bank has to treat all the loans the same.

No matter how long your family's been here.

Oh, you mean the first the pioneers.

My great great grandfather, Cornelius Cox, tilled the soil

with his bare hands when this was nothing but wilderness.

Oh, come on, now, you're being dramatic.

We're only asking you to sell a little piece of land on the

backside of your farm.

You can pay off your bank loan, and we can turn it into

something that the whole community can use.

Oh, well, how would you like it if I carved a few pounds off

your backside?

That lazy ass sits in a chair all day.

I mean, what if I cut out your your liver, your kidneys?

I mean, you wouldn't miss him, right?

It's just a pound of flesh.

This farm has been in my family for generations, and I will not

sell a single acre to you or anyone else.

The bank will be forced to call in the loan if you can't make

any more payments.

Well guess what?

This year the hayride is going pretty good, so by the end of

the season, we should have more than enough money to pay off

the damn bank loan.

So we're just wasting our time.

We're not done here.

Well, I am.

I have people outside here who appreciate what I'm doing for

this community.

Close the door on your way out.

Oh, no. I know what it says.

Um, well, I got it now.

What?

I don't need one now. I'm good at this.

All right, all right.

Hey.

Hey, everybody. Howdy.

Wait a minute. I got another one.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

Hey, I will cut out your spleen with an ice cream scoop!

This is a little,

This is a little dangerous up here.

What do you call a single vampire?

- Sam. - A bachelor.

Stupid fool.

Sam doesn't realize how deep of a hole he's in.

Hole?

It's more like he dug his own grave.

When he defaults on that loan, we're going to get the whole

freaking farm.

He's his own worst enemy.

Well tell us, Sam, why can't warlocks impale me?

Well, they have halloweeners and crystal balls.

Hey, we got a million of them.

We'll pay you to stop telling them.

No, no, no, no.

Spend your money to support the farm.

Go over and buy some pumpkins.

Candy apples.

My cousin's apple pie.

And in fact, today we have a special on pirate corn.

Pirate corn? How much is it selling for?

It's a buccaneer.

Hey!

Thank you. I'm here til Tuesday.

Don't forget to tip the help.

Thank you so much.

Hello.

It's me.

Pumpkin Klaus.

Hello.

Alright! Pumpkin Klaus!

How do we have any good boys and girls?

Why they're all good.

Well then let's hand these out.

Alright.

Here we go.

Yes. There's one for you.

Here you go.

Here's a little.

One for you.

Thank you so much.

One for you.

No wonder he's broke.

Jesus.

He's just giving them away.

Like I said, he's his own worst enemy.

Oh, Sam, this is so great.

We look forward to this every year.

Yeah, Sam, it's not Halloween until the hayride.

Well, I appreciate you being here.

And don't forget to get an apple pie before they sell out.

All by two.

You hear that, Hazel?

Two apple pies for this lovely lady.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You know, supporting local

business is how farmers like me survive.

So thank you for that.

Of course.

I come to your vegetable stand year round.

I think that farm fresh tastes way better than supermarket.

All right, well.

I do appreciate that.

And here's your change.

You know.

Hazel, why don't you give these fine folks whatever they want

to drink on the house?

Oh, Sam, you really don't have to do that.

We can pay.

No, no, no, you guys have bought those two apple pies.

That's great.

So anyway, I got to go.

Thanks again.

So what'll it be?

I'm sure going to miss this.

Miss what?

Sugartown scared the whole thing.

I've been coming here since I was a kid.

What? Nothing's going anywhere.

I heard a rumor that the county's shutting it all down.

No more hayride, no more Pumpkin Claus.

Bullshit!

Look, Farmer Sam is my uncle, okay?

I'd certainly know if anything like that was going to happen.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I mean, our family needs this

hayride to keep the farm afloat.

It's a little tough to be paying bills when tomatoes are

only two bucks a pound.

That's a lot of freaking tomatoes.

That's for damn sure.

And fertilizer is 685 a ton.

Oh, here, have some cider.

Oh. Thank you.

Are you having a good time tonight?

- Yeah, of course. - Absolutely.

Did you catch me and Lester, by the way?

You bet.

Yeah, yeah.

Buccaneer.

Uh oh.

Here comes trouble.

Well, if it isn't Sheriff Jubal and Deputy Dimwit.

So have you guys caught the shithead kids who broke into my

barn, or are you just going to let your son vandalize my

entire property before you make him your new deputy?

Well, you're replacing me.

No. Good ol Sam here fancies himself a comedian just because

his family was first to settle in this area.

He thinks he owns a whole goddamn place.

But a little birdie told me that pretty soon you might not

own shit. Bank problems.

You ever heard of a sheriff sale?

I have, and boy, are they fun.

You know, now is not the time, Jubal.

The commissioner has forced me to hire you and your deputy for

traffic control at overtime wages, I might add.

So why don't you two go control some traffic and leave me and

the real public servants at peace.

Oh, and have yourself a nice hot cider.

Of course, you're going to have to pay for it yourself.

Your cider tastes like ass.

Well, you should know.

Traffic control.

Traffic control.

Hey, what's this I hear about

the county trying to shut you down?

Nothing they haven't tried before.

I heard there's a new developer in the county scooping up land

everywhere so he can build even more houses.

Over my dead body.

Yeah.

God, it's like the perfect storm.

Could it get any worse?

Relax, Uncle Sam, I got this.

Here, take this.

Okay.

Dick and Karen!

Welcome!

Hello farmer Sam. Seems like you're having a great night.

Quite the rowdy crowd.

Oh, yes.

And well within county guidelines, Karen.

And if you have any complaints,

like take them up with the next committee meeting.

Don't think I won't exercise my right.

I gotta take this.

Hello? What?

Timmy's stuck in the well.

I'll be right there.

I gotta go, got to go.

You're a real lifesaver, Patty.

I'm a paramedic, after all.

Is Karen still out there foaming at the mouth?

Yeah, she's still circling like a shark.

You got to go find a Timmy to toss in a well.

That was a good one.

Gotcha.

There you are.

Those kids are in the family cemetery again.

See?

Oh, shit.

Well, go tell the sheriff to do some policing for a change and

meet us over at the family plot.

- Oh, yeah. - That's a wing.

Base hit.

- Alright Tyler. - Ready?

Yeah, yeah. We're ready.

Bases loaded.

Clean up.

Home run.

- Drink up. - Cheers.

- Rush. - Rush!

Oh, shit!

Farmer, Baba!

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is family property, you assholes!

Shit I dropped a beer, man.

Oh!

You shot me!

Yeah, it was rock salt, you dumb ass!

Next time you come back here.

It's going to be some deer slugs!

Get him.

Jesus, Sam's gone crazy.

Yeah. No shit.

Just lay low while I talk him down.

Now it's about goddamn time.

Well,

that's one way of talking him down.

Fuck!

Dumbass.

Look at that.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yeah! What!

Ah!

Ah!

Turn it off!

It is off!

He's seizing on his own.

Shit!

Get rid of the wire.

Is he dying?

Shut up and put the wires in the car.

Ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah.

Patty, Chris, we got a medical emergency out here.

Chris, what is it?

It's Sam. He collapsed.

You better come quick.

Keep your mouth shut.

Maybe I can save your ass.

Jesus. What happened?

Like he had a seizure.

Is he diabetic or something?

No he isn't.

Hey, old Sam's firing his shotgun in the woods like a

madman and suddenly just

dropped like he had a stroke or something.

It's okay, it's okay.

We got him stabilized with a shot of Ativan, but his

heartbeat's irregular.

It's like he had a stroke or something.

Uh, he's firing the shotgun in the woods like a crazed lunatic

and suddenly just dropped to the ground and started shaking.

Right?

Yeah, He pointed the shotgun at me.

He fell down, shaking and.

Ah! Good girl.

Good girl.

Where's rebel girl?

Where'd your sister run off to?

I'll find her.

She's probably out chasing rabbits again, man.

I know, man.

I could see the worry on your face, but your uncle is a tough

old bastard, man.

He'll be all right before you know it.

Hey, Patty, we've got an ODS.

You want to take it or stay here?

Uh, no, you go ahead.

We need the money.

I'll have budge drive me to the hospital.

Copy that, later Budge.

Doesn't he need your help?

No, it's an ODS.

He can do it solo.

Oh, organ delivery service.

Sometimes we run organs from hospital to hospital.

It's good.

Money saves lives, too, right?

Oh, yeah.

That too.

Sorry. Sometimes I get a little numb to it all.

Well, all I wanted to say, man, is that I'm so glad that you

are there for Sam.

Because I don't think the sheriff would have known what

to do otherwise.

I don't even want to think about it.

Yeah.

Hello, Sam.

Look's like you had a rough night.

What am I doing here?

You had a seizure and the paramedics gave you a shot of.

Hey.

No relax.

Stop that.

Please, please.

You were going to hurt yourself.

- I gotta get back to the farm. - I need some help in here.

I gotta get back to the farm.

Please sit down and relax.

No you're going to be better.

I gotta get back to the farm.

Okay. Please relax sir.

Hey, Sam.

Wow. You gave us all quite a scare last night.

You know, passing out and all.

Passing out?

You son of a bitch.

I ought to piss on your foot.

Hey, watch your mouth!

You don't calm down.

Me and my deputy are going to chain you to your bed.

Now, you don't want that, do you?

Jesus, Sam, what are you doing out of bed?

These assholes are trying to finish me off.

Oh, nurse, will you please sedate this idiot before I

throw him in the drink?

I need you to calm down, Uncle Sam.

Okay? You're still under medication.

It's okay, Sam. I got your back.

No one is going to finish anything.

Shut up, Jamaica boy.

He's not from Jamaica, dimwit.

Okay, that's.

Enough. Now get to your bed or I'm gonna sedate you myself.

Well, they started it.

- Now let's go! - Ow!

All right, calm down.

It's okay, it's okay.

What are you doing here, anyway?

This is a local matter.

Why don't you go back to Jamaica?

Jamaica? I'm not from Jamaica, man.

I'm from Belize.

Where the fuck is that?

It's on the Yucatan Peninsula of Central America, bro.

Well, I don't give a shit.

Belize. You know what I Belize.

I believe this is America.

You can take your skinny black ass and go back to Jamaica.

When I'm Garifuna, we don't back down, yo.

All right.

Okay, I understand you're both tough guys.

This ain't the place for it.

You're right.

This ain't the place.

So you best give Sam his peace

and quiet, if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Quiet. I like that everybody stays quiet.

Nobody has any problems.

Yeah. No problems here.

No problems here.

Wait.

We don't have a problem.

No, we don't have problems.

Garifuna here doesn't need to be reminded that his boss fired

a shotgun at a bunch of teenagers.

Now,

if things get loud, I'm going to have to file those charges,

aren't I?

Like I said, man, peace and quiet.

Okay.

Whatever.

That's all right.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah. My family came here when this was nothing.

We built all this town grew up around us.

Sam.

Look.

Oh, Jesus.

You like that?

There's the whole case of them.

Plus trash, two tampons and a lawn chair.

A goddamn lawn chair.

You and your hayride.

Those jackasses think that your Halloween fiasco is an open

invitation to party in the cornfields and throw the crap

all over the place.

Come on, Wilbur.

That combine of yours weighs about three four tons.

And I don't think a little junk is going to break that monster.

That's not the point.

The fact is, I have to stop and get out of the cab.

And you know how much I hate to get out of the cab.

Oh, God.

You're right, you're right.

Look. I'm sorry, okay?

I will tell my guys to make sure

they keep the guests out of

the fields, all right?

Or, or.

You could just shut down the hayride altogether.

It's a goddamned nuisance.

Yeah. Great.

More goddamn fart catchers.

Ah, Betsy.

I am touched.

I assume you came all the way out here to check up on me.

Seeing as I almost died last night.

You didn't nearly die.

You just had a mild seizure, from what I'm told.

And don't think I don't know

about you threatening those boys.

Oh, you mean the vandals who defaced my family plot and the

little shit who killed my dog?

Your dog?

Well, I don't know anything about that, Missy, Gina.

It has been deemed by the county that the public

attraction called Sugartown scare is a nuisance and threat

to public safety by writ of the Sheriff's office.

Wait a minute. Wait. Public safety?

I'm the one who was in the hospital last night.

And a nuisance?

A nuisance to whom?

To these leeches who live off false insurance claims.

I could sue you for libel.

It's not libel if it's true.

Belize law school.

I have a right as a citizen of this county to a safe and

peaceful home.

And the element that hayride

brings to the area makes me uncomfortable.

Well, you're entitled. Bullshit.

Makes me uncomfortable.

And this is my land.

I can do with it what I want.

Actually, you're still within the boundaries of Willis

County, so this farm and everything that happens on it

is under our jurisdiction.

You're shut down.

I believe that the state law allows for a 30-day remedy

regarding any private business.

Law school again?

Judge Judy.

Well, there you have it.

30 days in 30 days, Halloween will be over.

And so who cares?

Well, then we'll just close the road, and then no one can get

to your farm.

This farm is 275 acres adjacent to four roads, one of which is

a major artery into town.

Are you going to shut that down, too?

Don't tempt me.

All right, all right.

Okay, here's what I say.

You give me three days to make the greatest, most non

nuisance, haunted attraction in the history of mankind.

And if you are not 100% satisfied with it, I will sell

not only the parcel you want.

I will sell the whole goddamn farm.

And I will leave this miserable county forever.

However, if you agree that this is the scariest ride you've

ever been on, then no more complaints, citations, county

writs, or other bullshit.

So let me get this straight.

You're willing to gamble the future of your entire family

farm on whether or not you can scare me.

You and your fellow commissioners.

And I'd like to invite Dick and Karen because their opinions

matter too.

You have a deal.

See you in three days.

That's it.

That's it.

Now get the fuck off my land.

I don't want that.

Three days.

See you later.

Are you sure about this, my brother?

Yeah.

Time to get to work.

Thank you, Cousin Needles.

So this is where the 450 units are going to go.

Approximately.

Ladies.

See you soon.

Cute, Sam.

Hey, Nick's been looking all over for you.

Hey, Patty.

What's up?

What are you doing in here?

Uh, yeah, I'm just cleaning my gun.

They won't let me do it inside anymore.

Ever since that.

Uh, so what's up?

Well, I've got two invitations.

One for you and one for the sheriff.

I'm really looking forward to seeing you there tonight.

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Great. See ya.

Hey, Patty.

Uh, you know, I was thinking maybe after the hayride, if

you're not doing anything, uh, maybe we could go bobbing for

pumpkins or carve an apple or something like that.

Mmm.

After the hayride?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe we make it a candy apple.

Let's just see if you can deliver that invitation to your

boss first, huh?

I'll give it to Jubal right now.

Great. Don't be late.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey Uncle Sheriff, I hold in my hand.

Turn a crash into cash.

Dick got me big money from my car accident.

Money, money, money.

Dick got me a giant settlement for my slip and fall.

Screw you, insurance companies.

Hi, I'm Richard Singleton, but my friends call me Dick.

If you slip and fall, give me a call and ask for Dick.

If you don't have Richard Singleton on your side,

you ain't got dick.

Dick Singleton, super lawyer.

Isn't that great?

Tell me that's not great.

Tell me that's not the best thing you've ever seen.

It's great, Dick.

Yeah, it is great.

You're gonna get a lot of calls for that one, I'm sure.

Well go answer the fucking door.

Anytime today would be nice.

This is private property.

You can't be here.

No worries, Mrs. Singleton.

Just delivering an invitation

for you both to the new hayride.

You're on the judging committee, aren't you?

I don't all of that was for real.

Yeah, it sure is.

The supervisors will want to take your opinion into account.

I mean, you have an opinion, right?

I sure do.

She sure does.

Great. See you at the hayride.

Morning, darling.

Yeah. Carnauba wax looks real nice.

Let's get you a little shine here.

There you go.

Oh, baby.

What is it?

♪ And, honey, I miss you. ♪

♪ And I'm being good. ♪

♪ I long to be with you. ♪

♪ If only I could. ♪

Not until we saved the farm, sweetheart.

That's right.

Yeah. Jubal.

Yeah, I know he's an idiot.

I can always fool him.

I mean, after all, I'm a farmer and he's just a cop.

Ah, yeah, but.

Oh, God.

The commissioners.

But they're storm clouds are coming.

Oh, I got some plans, sweetheart.

Oh, I got some plans.

I know, I know, it's not Christian.

I know, but it is, right?

All right, sweetie,

what do you think?

Do you approve?

I knew you would.

See you later.

Well, if Sam wants to impress us, he's off to a bad start.

You weren't seriously going to honor the bet.

Sure we are.

We honorably vote that this new

ride is unsafe and not entertaining.

Oh, that reminds me.

Can you please feed Fiona tonight?

She needs half a can.

Yes, you can give her some cat treats.

Um.

Everything all right there, boss?

Yeah.

Everything's just fucking peachy.

What do you say we take a look and see what kind of a dog and

pony show Sam has for us?

Shall we?

I think it's gonna be pretty cool.

I mean, they really went all out.

Just give him a chance.

Dumb ass.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Distinguished guests.

Neighbors, Keystone cops, welcome to the new

and improved hayride to hell.

It was a harvest moon on the haunted hayride.

Some will have lived and some will have died.

The real mystery is, who will it be?

A crooked cop or commissioners three.

A greedy witch, a dick or the annoying bitch?

who knows who ends up buried in the ditch?

I warn you now, writer, beware.

This haunt will have plenty of scare.

So as I fight to survive with this elaborate cell, I dare you

to take the hayride to hell.

Welcome!

This is gonna be good.

My dad says he and his deputy

have been invited to judge the safety standards to

Farmer Sam's hayride.

I thought you said the farmer

and the sheriff hate each other.

They do.

All right.

Hello, ladies.

I'm so glad you could make it out tonight.

Thank you for the invitation.

You realize that this doesn't mean that we will support

keeping this going.

Oh, no, I totally understand.

All I'm asking is you keep an open mind.

Fair enough.

Because I have a feeling that by the end of tonight, you'll

understand just how important this is to our family.

Well, we will try and keep an open mind.

Well, I appreciate that.

And speaking of keeping an open mind, how about you simpletons?

That's Singleton.

Our last name is Singleton, not Simpleton.

Oh, that's what I meant.

And I didn't like your poem one bit.

Well, I am sorry about the language.

I was trying to find a word that rhymes with witch, and

Karen wouldn't work.

Okay, well, don't use me in any future poems.

I guarantee that after tonight's new hayride, I will

never speak your name again.

You promise?

I really felt uncomfortable

having my name mentioned like that.

Well, your comfort is my main concern.

And how about you, Jubal?

Were you offended when I called you a crooked cop?

Coming from you, I consider it a compliment.

Ah, see, that's what I'm talking about.

He's got an open mind.

This is a night of celebration for friends, family and

distinguished guests.

Well, I mean, I guess that's true.

I am something of a local celebrity, what with my

commercial and all.

Y'all see my commercial?

If you don't have Richard Singleton, you ain't got dick.

Well, come on, no one.

It's on the home improvement channel.

Prime time.

I told you, not everybody watches those shows.

House flipper shows, billion dollar listings,

home makeover, house porn.

Everybody watches house porn.

They just don't admit it.

I've seen the commercial.

See? What did I tell you?

Well, you know, speaking of commercial, that reminds me.

I must insist that there are no pictures or videos, so please

hand me your phones.

I don't think so.

Nobody gives up their phone if he does anything shady or

illegal, I want proof.

Are you speaking from personal experience there, Jubal?

It's not negotiable.

No phones, no hayride.

All right, all right, all.

Right, all right.

Keep your phones.

But, please, I ask you no photos or videos.

Oh, we.

Understand how important this hayride is to you, so we'll

respect your wishes.

Right?

But remember the terms of our deal.

If we find anything unsafe or illegal, we are shutting you

down forever.

There is no way in hell I would let that happen.

But I am a man of my word.

A deal is a deal.

So without further ado, Hazel,

can you please pour the hot cider?

Well, time to mark my territory.

Mhm. Mhm.

Fuck.

I piss on your grave.

Isn't that a song?

It's piss on your grave.

No, I.

Yeah, dude, I think it's

implied, but, I mean, I don't know.

It's just definitely implied.

I implied piss on your grave.

I piss!

Oh, piss.

What? What?

What? What?

No, no.

What? What?

Hey! Stop!

Stop, stop!

Hey!

Hey,

Now that's what I'm talking about.

For you, Karen.

Dimler.

Dimwit. Whatever.

Okay.

Oh. That's my cue.

Let the festivities begin.

Ah! Look at you all.

Let's toast to the hayride to hell.

May it steel the hearts of my critics.

Oh, and keep your cups.

Hazel has refills and treats for the ride.

Yep. Just ask and I'll heat you up with my witch's brew.

Here we go.

Oh, good God.

Oh!

Oh! Hello.

It's almost three carats.

No.

I gotta get me one of these.

To hell you ride.

Oh man.

This is the same as last year.

You've actually paid money to go on this hayride before?

Yeah, sure.

It's a family tradition.

I hope the commissioners give it a good review.

I hate for this to all go away.

You really don't have much going on upstairs, do you?

What?

It's a haunted hayride, man.

This is This is nothing not to like about this.

Ah. Take a balloon, have a balloon

Red balloon.

Hazel.

Oh, um.

On your right is the infamous skeleton house, built by Jane

Cox in the 1890s and burned to the ground in the 1900s.

This haunted hut from hell was

a heinous hub for atrocious activity.

Aces up his sleeve.

Cute.

Now listen up, you two.

No matter what tricks Farmer Sam has up his sleeve, we are

not going to give him a good review.

But what if he really did make great changes and improvements?

No. I'm sick and tired of fighting with that bastard over

zoning and noise and traffic patterns and water violations

and taxes.

And I get it, I get it.

You hate him.

It's more than that, missy.

Whose side are you on?

I thought I was representing the best interests of all the

residents of Willis County.

Nope. We represent the future.

Out with the old.

In with the new.

And I ask you, can anybody

really win if everybody's cheating?

I've lost my head.

Has anybody seen it?

I've lost my head.

I have to find it.

Has anybody seen my head?

You're supposed to say something back.

I'm not saying anything.

You say something.

He spoke to you.

Has anybody seen it?

Shit. Okay, well, that was lame.

This is all lame.

I don't know why I let you talk me into this stupid hayride in

the first place.

Oh, no.

That girl talked you into it.

I'm just along for the ride.

We were supposed to be judges in some sort of contest.

If I had known, we would be sitting in this.

That is not funny dick.

- It's pretty funny to me. - Asshole.

Oh, come on, Karen, it's all fake.

They take the blades off the chainsaw.

We're perfectly safe.

You're just afraid.

Jesus Christ!

Whoa, whoa.

That's not funny, dick.

Jesus.

I know, I know, I'm sorry, baby, but you got to admit that

- they got you. - Got me?

Got me? What the fuck Dick?

I do not have to put up with this kind of.

A fucking clown?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I want to talk to the fucking manager.

That would be me.

Oh wait, oh wait.

This one's a this one's a good one.

This one's a good one. I promise.

Okay, here we go.

We all know the tale of William Tell.

He disobeyed his king, who then reigned down hell.

The king proposed a test of his great aim.

Shoot an apple as part of a game.

Oh, boy, it was swell.

But perhaps today's test will be the boy's death knell.

Death knell?

Death? Sam, death knell?

Yeah. Jesus.

What did you get this from the Maritime Thesaurus?

I have wagered

against my critics the life of my own son.

That this crossbow will hit it's mark.

Hey! Help!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Help!

Alright folks, your turn now.

Who among you is a marksman?

Huh? Jubal, what about you?

That seems to be right up your alley.

Damn right it is.

Well, dummies fake, but the

crossbow is real and sited perfectly.

How good is your aim?

It's goddamn perfect.

Well.

All right, well at the mark of zero split the apple.

- Hey. Anyone help! - You win a prize.

You ready?

Hey! Hey!

It's me, Chucky. Stop!

Three. Two.

Hey stop!

One. Zero!

Dad!

We have a winner!

The site was off.

Well.

That's all right.

You're a winner anyway.

Hazel, give the man a candy apple.

Unless you've pocketed the rest of them.

And now for a public service announcement.

Please don't drink and drive, but if you do, be sure to sign

up as an organ donor.

Don't take your organs to hell.

Heaven knows we need them here.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you've all been taking good care of your vital organs.

Patty pop quiz.

Are you ready?

Kidneys.

See New York state College and Boston.

Heart?

- Philadelphia. - Oh, yeah.

- Hershey. - Yep.

- Allentown. - Check. Lungs.

Harrisburg.

Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

Check and liver.

Baltimore. Washington, DC.

Ah.

And Scranton.

Yes! Perfection!

This looks really realistic.

Yeah. One time there was this accident on route 202, and this

guy was cut in half with a steering wheel.

These effects just like it.

Really realistic.

Hey. Hey, Patty.

Hey, Nick.

She digs me.

We're gonna carve a pumpkin, later.

This is really starting to creep me out.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, Jesus.

It's supposed to be creepy.

I think it's just gross.

Chopping up a body like that.

This is disgusting.

Well, then there's your reason for shutting this down.

You have my vote.

That's more like it.

Ruby, where are you, girl?

There you are, good girl.

Hey, Dick.

Dick.

That name.

That's me.

Dick. Dick, Dickity, Dick, Dick, Dick.

Actually, it's Richard, but I never really liked that name.

So you think Dick is better?

Hey, at least my last name isn't face.

Dick face.

That's a good one.

You always do make me laugh.

Ah. Get a room.

I think it's sweet.

I wish I had a soul mate or a lover or even a fuck buddy.

Somebody say my name.

Uh. Shut up dimwit!

Why does everybody keep calling me that?

It's Dermot.

My name is Dermot Nixler.

You have got to be the stupidest motherfucker on the

face of the earth.

What about outer space?

Good point.

I stand corrected, you are the

stupidest motherfucker in the universe.

Oh, look.

Fireflies.

Oh! The intestines.

Damnit, Ruby! No!

- Seriously? - Sorry.

We we pound pond.

We now transport you to a faraway

land of tropical terror.

Where the locals know to.

Fear the keeper of the pond.

Here our safety is solely secured.

Through satisfying his sadistic.

Predilections. The unsuitably sick son of a virgin

sacrifice to protect.

Virgin. Where are you gonna find a virgin?

How are we gonna find a virgin?

I don't know a virgin.

I don't know any virgin's. Vergina.

Oh.

Look, there's something in the water over there.

What is that?

What are you doing here?

Holy crap!

I said get off my pond!

I said get off,

my pond!

You'd better run for it, dude.

Help!

You're so screwed now.

Oh my God!

Help!

Help! Help!

That was awesome.

Yeah. No, that's what I'm talking about.

Wow. Damn, Sam. I am impressed.

Pleasure's all mine.

I, I have eight fingers.

Time to kill.

I need a volunteer.

Hey, Hazel.

Over here.

Come over here.

I need your help.

Hazel, come.

Come help us out.

Come on, everybody, give.

Her some encouragement.

Ready, Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Yeah.

Good girl.

Just kick it with your foot.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

Good job, Hazel.

Thank you.

That's my Hazel.

Witch! Witch!

Witch.

Is there a which amongst you travelers?

My wife is a witch once a month.

Asshole.

I know it's hard to hear, baby, but someone's got to tell you

the truth.

I say again, my fellow pilgrims.

Is there a witch in this wagon?

And now for our featured performer, witch Hazel.

Um.

Here I am.

Yes. Perfect.

Come with me, you rapacious witch.

A witch.

A witch!

My kingdom for a witch.

Oh my God! Fuck. Okay. Easy on the goods.

Fix your eyes upon her.

But be not beguiled by her beauty.

For beneath this exquisite feminine form is a wretched,

decrepit witch.

And tonight we purge the scenes of this greedy whore.

- What? - Just play along.

Oh, yeah.

Um. I'm a naughty witch, and I need to be punished.

You're doing great.

Okay. Yeah.

Um. I'm greedy and

I'm evil and I'm exquisite, and, uh.

And I don't use dental floss.

Tie her to the stake.

Jesus. It's a little tight.

Got to sell it, baby.

It's not funny.

It's not fucking funny.

You guys, please.

Ah!

Oh my God, what is that?

Gasoline, you greedy bitch!

What? What no!

Jubel! Jubel no!

What'd she say?

Beats me, the music's too loud.

This is what you really want, isn't it?

You've been stealing from this farm for years.

What's another $100, right?

No, please.

Okay. Um.

Hey, I'll give it to you.

I'll give it all back.

I'll give it all back.

Just how much did you steal?

A lot.

Oh, so a lot.

And if you help me, I'll make it so worth your while.

Please.

Nah, the show must go on.

No!

It looks so real.

How did he do that?

I gotta hand it to you, Sam.

You went all out this time?

Yeah, like I told you, we will do whatever.

It takes to keep our farm.

Hello there, travelers!

Do you have any body parts to spare?

I'm perfecting my masterpiece.

Well, if you don't need a brain, deputy dimwit, your man.

Oh, yes.

A fantastic specimen.

Look at those muscles.

Why, you look like a Christmas sausage bursting at the seams.

Deputy Dexler, I do believe you're making me blush.

You're making me blush.

You know my name?

That's impressive.

That's because you're special.

Oh.

He's special, all right.

Uh, deputy, would you be a peach and come on down and help

me with my electric chair?

Count me in.

Can I flip the switch?

Absolutely.

My hunk of burning flesh.

Hey, you guys should call me,

uh, Doctor Jekyll and Deputy Hyde.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Do we have any good boys and girls with us this evening?

Hell no evil, pumpkin Claus.

All we have are naughty little children.

You mean those monsters over there?

No, I mean those.

Sons of bitches that are trying to steal my farm!

Ah!

Come on, get the cuffs.

Hey!

How do you like that chicken pussy?

Doesn't feel too good, does it?

The fuck is going on?

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho!

God damn it, Sam, get me out of

this or I will throw your ass in jail!

Seems to me like you're the one in chains.

Strap him in.

What are you doing guys?

What are you doing?

Oh! Hey, guys hold on.

Come on. Alright guys.

It's not funny anymore.

What are they doing to him?

I don't know.

Are they going to electrocute him?

I don't know.

Oh my God.

Are they going to electrocute us?

I don't know, I don't fucking know.

I'm not a goddamn encyclopedia.

You're welcome.

Ha! God damn it, Sam, I swear I'm gonna kill you!

Ha ha ha!

You've been trying that for years.

What makes you think you'll be lucky this time?

Cause this time you're really pissing me off!

Oh, sticks and stones, Jubal.

Oh, by the way, do you remember back in high school when you

were certain that your

girlfriend was fucking another guy?

Fuck you.

Wait a minute.

You already knew that.

Oh, shit.

I was planning this big reveal and everything.

I am so gonna fucking kill you!

Well, you can try again.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Guys. Uncle, please help me.

It's okay Nix. It's okay.

Come on Sam! God damn it!

He's just a kid, for Christ's sakes.

No!

Shit's getting real now.

Mhm.

Mhm.

We gotta get out of here.

He is not gonna get us.

Okay?

Listen up.

On the next turn, we're gonna go

off the wagon.

On my go. Ready?

Ah!

Ah!

No. Truckee, no!

No! Truckee, no!

And you killed him with your crossbow.

I'll fucking kill you!

You already said that.

Go go go go go go go!

Hey! They're getting away!

Whoa whoa whoa.

It's okay.

It's cool, it's cool.

All right, all right, all right.

Oh, shit.

No service.

What the fuck?

Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

No no no no no no no.

No. Stop don't, I dont. No no no no no.

No no no no no no no no.

Drill baby.

Drill. Yeah.

Enough of this bullshit!

I am done, Sam!

Not having fun anymore?

You sure seem to have a lot of fun

when you were trying to tase me to death.

That was an accident!

Oh, bullshit!

You've been conspiring with these assholes for years trying

to steal my farm.

Take away everything we hold dear.

You killed my son!

No, you killed your son!

You tricked me, you son of a bitch!

Well, you're stupid!

Get help!

No, got a gun!

It's gonna be a hot one in the old town tonight.

Nice try, asshole.

Hey, Jubal.

Fire in the hole!

Help me!

Help!

Help me!

Please help me!

Please, I beg you!

Damnit! Help me!

What the hell are you doing out here?

Hold on.

This doesn't have anything to do with that hayride

nonsense, does it?

Yes it's Sam!

He's gone crazy!

Goddamn hayride!

I've been telling him

to shut this down since Moby Dick was a guppy!

But does he listen to me?

No, no, no!

He's evil.

You stay put, darling.

I'll fix this.

Goddamn trespassers ruining all my corn!

I don't deserve this.

Nobody stops the harvest!

Help!

Help me!

Please! Help!

Help!

Hey, sorry about Jubal.

He burned us, so I burned him.

No worry.

We've got enough organs to pay off the bank loan, fix the roof

on the barn, and a little more for a rainy day.

Best harvest ever.

Real nice.

All right.

I have four hearts,

three kidneys.

All right.

I think we're ready to go.

Yeah.

Organic farming.

Woo!

Hey! Hey, wait!

Not that one!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Uh oh!

No no no!

Let her down.

Nah, this one's a keeper.

Ooh! Yeah!

Oh, yeah, baby!

Okay, cover it up.

[Glass shattering}

Smells like victory.