Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Hey, guys. Hey, Mom.

What are you doing?

Taxes. Got an extension. They have to be in next week.

I didn't see that sign.

That sign.

What? Oops.

It's nothing.

It's nothing, Mom. This is cute.

It's very cute. It's fine. It's just good.

I think Mom is perfectly capable of doing the family taxes.

Thank you, Jennifer. I appreciate the words of support.

Now, why isn't Alex doing them like he usually does?

Well, Alex isn't always going to be here.

Besides, I should be able to do this stuff.

Anyway, your father can't help it because he's got a deadline to meet. He

finish his new documentary on Leo Tolstoy.

Well, what happened to the one he was doing before?

Exotic pet stores.

How much is that armadillo in the window?

He's blocked on that.

So he switched and I get to do the taxes.

Mom, look, you don't understand.

This is America.

And in America, Americans don't just sit and do their taxes.

They go to H &R Block or me.

Well, Alex, I don't have to go anywhere. Taxes aren't that complicated.

No, Mom, what I'm telling you is that you are being offered the services of

Keaton and Keaton.

Alex, because this is America, I support and benefit from many of the government

programs that our taxes pay for.

So I am not interested in the Keaton and Keaton insidious loophole approach.

Take your hands off Andy's ears.

All right. A good citizen pays all of his or her taxes.

Sorry, but no thanks.

All right, Annie. Never mind. Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry. A young dog.

A puppy.

Oh, Elise, I'm really excited about this Tolstoy documentary.

The whole key to it lies in this book, War and Peace.

Remember, I was reading this the night you went into labor with Alex.

22 years ago.

This week, I'm going to pick up where I left off. Oh, Stephen, I remember. I

remember you wanted to name Alex Sasha Alexei Kitanovich.

It's amazing I grew up so normal.

Don't flatter yourself, Sasha.

Hi. Hey, Mel. Hi, Mel.

Hi, Daddy.

Well, hi, Mel.

How's your documentary going?

Well, I think it's going to be great.

Looks like you stripped the library bare.

Lucky for me.

Do you want something?

Well, I was going to ask you a question, but it can wait.

Oh, Mel, if you've got a question, just ask.

I'm sure between the brilliant Mr.

Tolstoy and me, we can come up with an answer.

Can Nick stay here for a week while his apartment's being painted?

Nyet. Dad, please. I mean, Nick really has no place else to go.

I think we can do this much for Nick.

Thanks, Dad. I know it's a big favor.

I'm unclear about this. Did I say yes?

Now, look, Mel.

You've got to explain to Nick that your father's got a lot of work to do on his

documentary, and Nick's really going to have to keep out of his way.

Oh, yeah, of course. No, you don't have to worry about that.

The Nick I know is a very quiet and private person.

I mean...

When we're together, sometimes we completely forget the other person's

Oh, my gosh, I almost forgot.

Hey,

I'm here.

Hey, guys, what's all that stuff for?

Well, Nick, he's going to have to sleep on the couch, so I'm going to make it

comfortable for him.

Hey, wait a minute. Can we get a tax deduction for boarders?

Afraid not, Mom.

See, technically, he's not a boarder.

He's a freeloader.

Alex, would you get up?

Uh, absolutely not.

Fine. Fine. Have it your way.

Now. Now.

How's it coming with the taxes, honey? Neither can turn it down.

Dad, Mom's not taking full advantage of the new tax laws.

At least I'd listen to the couch.

All right, Alex.

That's it. Just get...

me with those pillows, okay?

No, not that end. Nick always likes to sleep with his feet pointing north.

How would you know?

Then Nick told me.

Yes.

Nick's like a compass, see?

And in fact, if you lay him down with his feet pointing south, he'll turn

completely round.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey.

Mr. Keaton, you really ought to change the blades in that razor more often.

It's an electric razor, Nick.

Not anymore.

Well, I'm really tired. I think I'm going to go hit the sack.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, listen.

Can we point him south? Because I want his team to spin completely round.

I'm going up, too. Come on, sweetheart.

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

Let's go, Mel.

I'll be up in a little while, Dad.

No rush. We'll wait.

Night, Mel. Night.

At least I'm not too thrilled with the sleeping arrangements here.

Please, Stephen, don't be ridiculous. Everyone's going to be fine. Now, can we

go to bed?

All right. I'm sorry.

You're right.

We're two mature adults.

We trust our daughter.

We trust this young man.

Let's go to sleep.

We don't have much time. My dad's asleep on the lane. Oh, all right, all right.

Wait, wait. Let's go for it in the kitchen.

All

right!

What exactly is going on in here?

Oh, Mr. K, you've ruined the surprise.

Thank God.

What a surprise.

You're going to make a big breakfast for the whole family.

So, that's what you were doing in here.

Yeah, what are you doing here?

What a deep sleep I was in.

Wait a minute.

What am I doing in the kitchen?

I must have been sleepwalking.

Well, good night.

Hey, Mom.

Last chance for some professional taxidermy.

She doesn't need an H &R Blockhead.

That's right.

I'm just seconds away from the biggest tax refund in Keaton history.

Okay, come on. Keogh deduction plan. Do your stuff. Mama needs a new pair of

shoes. How much are we getting back, Mom?

Minus $3 ,000.

Don't spend it all in one place, Mom.

Wait a minute. I can't believe this. It says we owe $3 ,000. How could we...

Mallory, that's more than you made.

Alex,

you take a look at this for me, please. Well, Mom, it looks to me like you've

got everything under control, so I'm just going to shove off, okay?

Oh, please, honey.

Mom, Mom, don't beg, okay? You're much better than that. Please.

You live here now.

Hey, hey, hey, you know, that was a pretty amusing incident that happened in

kitchen earlier this morning, huh, Mr. K?

Yeah, glad you enjoyed it, Nick.

Next show at 11.

So I guess it's just the two of us at home.

Yeah, that's how it looks.

What are we going to do?

Well, whatever we're going to do, I'm just hoping we'll do it in separate

Well, maybe later.

Right now, you just do what you normally do.

And I'll do what I do, huh?

Fine, fine, Nick.

Hey, Mr.

K, I'm just going to do a bunch of sit -ups, huh? And could you count for me?

Tell me when I get to 100.

Sure thing, Nick. Get started.

What am I up to?

Uh, that's one.

Not yet.

So, what's the big book about, huh?

Russia.

Russia. So, you just read for the general idea.

Me too.

Adults Digest.

Adults digest what?

I guess whatever they eat, huh?

Oh, hey, hey, hey. I don't mean to be disturbing you, huh? No, no, no, no.

just get into my own thing here.

Meet Bill's gallbladder.

I am a membranous, muscular,

in which Bill's bile is stored.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't mean to be bothering you, all right? I'll just

get into my own thing here, all right?

must have brought you a cup of tea.

Ting!

Now, can I talk to you about something for a minute?

Have you noticed a slight tension in this house between me and your dad?

No more than usual.

It's starting to make me think that maybe I shouldn't be staying here. Maybe

should go downtown and stay at the Heidi Ho -Hot.

No, honey, you mean the Heidi Ho Hotel.

The L burned out, remember?

Oh, I just thought they'd change the name.

Anyway, I just think it'd be better for everybody if I just left.

No, honey, we all love having you here. No, it's rather obvious that your father

doesn't. But, honey, he never liked you.

Yeah, I know, you know, but it's just starting to get to me. I mean, everybody

likes me, you know, except for maybe my Uncle Louie, all right? When I was eight

years old, I accidentally burnt Donna's garage.

Sometimes it just takes a while with my dad. Just be patient.

Oh, look who's here.

It's my dad.

Dad Nick.

Hey, Mr. Keaton.

Oh, gosh.

Hello, Nick.

So, uh, how's that Russian thing coming, huh?

Nick, thanks.

Hey, uh, you know how to make a white Russian? It's one pot pot. Oh, thanks,

Nick. I'm sure I'll be able to work that in here somewhere.

You know how to make Russian dressing? Yes, I do.

Good. I mean, you'll be able to slip that right in after the white Russian

you know? I mean, we'll just roll right along here, huh?

Nick, if you don't mind. Oh, hey, I understand.

Oh, here, let me get the... Nick!

Please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help.

I don't need you to help me with this, Nick.

Okay, Mr. Keegan, you don't need me to help you with nothing, huh?

Nick, please.

I have work to do.

You know, you never really give me a chance.

A chance for what?

A chance to show you who I really am.

I mean, from the minute you met me, you always thought I was this dumb guy with

no future who's no good for your daughter.

And now, four years later, you think I'm this dumb guy with no future who's no

good for your daughter.

Nick, that's not true.

I don't think you're dumb.

Yeah, but you don't think I'm any good for your daughter.

Look, if Mel wants to talk to me, tell her she can find me down at the Heidi Ho

-Hot.

Lisa, I've been up all night, up all night thinking.

I need your opinion.

Okay.

Well, I've always been nice to Nick, haven't I?

Are you crazy?

No, I'm serious.

Come on, Stephen. For the moment, Nick set foot in his house. He was determined

not to like him.

So were you.

Yeah, well, I came around, though. I learned to like him. I talked to him.

I got to know the real Nick.

The true Nick.

The inner Nick.

Dear.

Stephen,

once you get to know him, he's really a wonderful guy.

He's very good -hearted. He's sensitive. He's good -looking.

He's caring.

Actually, he reminds me a lot of you.

What?

Oh, no, no, no. Just think about it.

Do you remember the first time you came to my parents' house? You had this

headband on and the real long hair and your ripped jeans.

God, you scared my mother half to death.

My father thought you were Cher.

Look, Lisa, I know what you're getting at here, but it's a completely different

situation. When I was Nick's age, I was goal -oriented. I had a career in mind.

I had a college degree.

That may be true, but there is something you have in common with Nick.

It's the way that you loved and cared for me when you were a young man. It's

same way that Nick loves and cares for Mallory now.

That's a real rare thing to find.

Dad, I hope you're happy making Nick stay at the Heidi Ho Hotel.

You don't understand the impact you have on Nick.

And he really cares a lot what you think of him.

You know, Nick is one of the sweetest guys I know.

I'd do anything to have a boyfriend like him.

Jennifer, go stand in the corner.

I just came by to pick up my toothbrush.

Nick, come in.

Make yourself at home.

What is this, a trap?

No, no, I think we need to talk.

I realize I've made things pretty unpleasant for you these last few days.

Years.

When I first met you, you didn't strike me as the sort of young man I wanted for

my daughter.

Look, Mr.

Keaton, sit down.

You know, I know I am not exactly the kind of guy you wished your daughter

fall in love with.

But I got to tell you, you know, I'm really happy being me.

I like me.

I would go out and buy me a Coke.

But if you don't like me, and if you're never going to like me, I mean, hey,

that's the way it's got to be, you know?

But I love your daughter, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

And I want you to know that I am going to take excellent care of her.

I know you will, Nick.

And listen, about whether I'm ever going to like you or not, I like

you right now.

You have respect for yourself.

You have respect for my daughter.

I admire that in a man.

Yay.

Thanks, Dad.

I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

Next on KSWB, get wacky with Jackie. Jackie Chan Adventures, just part of

WB. And at 5, stay tuned for the magic of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. There's a

full afternoon right ahead on KSWB, San Diego's WB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.