Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

think you're going uh no place mom we're just uh trying to break in our coats

but we were supposed to all be here tonight to share this oh no not another

woodstock slide show where you guys spend the evening trying to spot

among among a sea of long hair and beards jennifer we once spotted a blonde

speck in that crowd that was definitely your mother that's not what we're doing

tonight what are we doing tonight you're happy make a time capsule for school.

Oh, that sounds neat. What are you going to put in it?

I'm going to put stuff about our family.

Can you put Alex in there?

I could try.

So if you have any mementos that remind you of growing up, put them in there.

I actually have the first dollar I ever earned.

And I'll sell it to you for 25 bucks.

You sure you can't put Alex in there? Maybe if we let some of the hot air out

him, he'll fit.

So what do you got in here so far, Andy?

I got my baby boots.

Hey, you know, I got mine bronzed, which made it really tough to walk.

Look, our old color slides.

No, no, no slides. No slides.

I thought you kids loved my slide shows. You used to sit there staring at them

eyes wide open.

No, Dad, we learned to sleep that way.

I can't believe you guys can watch this. You look ridiculous.

Half a million people trying to stop a senseless war. You find that ridiculous?

I'm talking about the outfits.

I'm dying. I'm dying.

Promise me you'll never show these when my friends are here. Promise, or I'm

leaving home right now.

Mallory, that was history in the making. There were people at every state in the

union at that protest.

What were you protesting?

Good grooming?

Daddy, how long ago was that?

That was very long ago.

In a galaxy far, far away.

All right, who wants to see the Peace Corps slides?

You know, this is fun. It's a great way to... to clean out my closet.

Do you have room for six pairs of Earth shoes, a mood ring, and a pet rock?

Why were you guys always protesting stuff?

Well, I think it was just the times.

There was a lot to be upset about, you know? War, the government.

Not being able to drag a comb through your hair.

Don't listen to your brother, Andy. If he'd been older, he'd have loved the

Mom, the only way I could have enjoyed the 60s...

would be if my headband had been too tight.

I had lost consciousness and woke up in the 80s.

Wait a minute, Alex. I seem to remember you're getting involved in a protest or

two. That's right, Andy. And it was for a good cause, too. The Equal Rights

Amendment.

Alex?

No, it was for a better cause than that.

It was for a girl.

No, not really.

Look, Dina, I cannot go on with this any longer. I'm not really... Alex, that

was a very courageous thing you did, coming to Dorothy's defense like that.

Thanks, but listen, about this whole ERA business, this button, this shirt, it's

not... Is that a scratch on your ear?

Yeah, it's nothing.

Oh, those animals.

I don't think I've ever been as attracted to anybody as I am to you

So what is it you wanted to tell me?

I'll remember.

I think it was a trivia question.

Are you romantic?

The two of us in prison together.

Alex, I want to thank you for coming to my defense.

I'm proud of you.

Well, Dorothy, it was a privilege to come to your aid.

I regret I had but one ear to give to the cost.

Alex, when you talk like that, I can barely keep my hands off you.

But those are just idle words.

There is a job to be done here. Not only by us, but by women everywhere.

to accept these indignities. How long, Lord?

I feel the way President Kennedy must have felt that day at the Berlin Wall

he said, today I am a Berliner. Well, today in this cell I say to you, I am a

woman.

Alex definitely turns up in the most unlikely places.

His mother put him to bed and made some chamomile tea and she gave a dose of it

to Peter. See, right there.

One tablespoonful to be taken at bedtime.

But Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail, who are good little bunnies, had bread and

milk and blackberries for supper.

Read it again, Mommy.

Give her a break, Dad. She heard it three times.

Hey, come on. Andy and I love to read together. And then Mr. Reagan said...

Oh, look, Mommy.

It's Secretary... It's Secretary of State George Shultz.

Boy, Andrew, this I Love Republicans pop -up book was the best purchase I ever

made.

Make Nancy wave again.

Hi.

The one thing you don't want to see, though, is a book in Mallory's hands.

But I reckon I got to light out for the territory ahead of the rest, because

Aunt Sally, she's going to adopt me and civilize me, and I can't stand it. I've

been there before.

Now, is that you?

What are you doing?

I'm reading.

When did you learn how?

When I found out that Cosmopolitan magazine was banned in certain places, I

became enraged.

Then I saw Huckleberry Finn sitting on the coffee table, and I said to myself,

what better way to show Jennifer my support?

So I picked it up, and I started reading, and you know what?

I love it.

I love reading. I'm going to teach Nick how to read.

Mallory did a great job of it. The little engine looked at the hill and

think I can.

I can.

I think I can.

This is getting pretty exciting. I wonder what happens next.

He gets up the hill, Liz.

I got a few things from my own personal collection.

Alex, it's way too big. What's in there, your ego?

Andy, I'm going to give you my favorite baby toy.

how to feather her hair before she even had any.

And this is the English textbook that I used to help Nick get his high school

equivalency diploma.

Yeah. Yeah, you were a lot of help.

What is a verb? What does it do in a sentence?

It just kind of sits there, trying not to bother the other words.

Oh, Nick, a verb is a word that does something active in a sentence, like

around or eat.

Yeah, but eating's not active unless you eat and run.

Well, you don't have to be moving to be active.

You just have to be doing something.

Well, what about if you're dead? I mean, you can't be active when you're dead

unless you're a ghost or a vampire.

Verbs for ghosts and vampires?

Just not for ordinary dead people.

I'm going to have to look that up. I think they have special verbs for them.

You know, listen, without a doubt, the most inane and absurd conversation I've

ever heard.

Alex, what are you doing here?

What am I doing? Well, I'm not doing anything, so I guess I'll need one of

special verbs.

Like you use for dead people.

Did Nick graduate?

Yes, Andy, Nick did graduate.

When Alex was out.

What was that, honey?

With Alex's help.

That's right.

It was no easy feat either, pal.

Come on, Alex, don't underestimate your sister.

She's helped quite a few people. Remember when she was our little Ann

I better get started. Look at all these letters I have already.

Oh, he can't actually look, Dad. They're confidential.

Oh, let me look.

Well, I guess you're family and all, so... Dear Mallory,

I need your advice.

My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually, and I was wondering... My advice is that

you don't read that.

Very wise, dear Mallory.

Yeah, and I'm adorable Alec.

No, you don't understand.

I'm taking over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper's Guide.

column is called Dear Mallory. Wait, wait, wait. Columbus Shopper's Guide.

Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing they have at the checkout counter at the

supermarket? The one with all the coupons in it?

That's right.

What are you so excited about, Mal? You're going to be giving advice to low

-life bargain hunters.

who can't afford to buy real paper.

Well, Alex, they're not low -life bargain hunters. They're people, real

coming to me for advice.

Now, if these people were willing to sell out a quarter, they could turn to

Abby.

I can help him.

That was a great job.

People came to me for help, and I didn't help them one bit, but I had fun.

I guess that's all that counts.

Oh, come on, Dad. You've messed up on helping people plenty of times.

Like who?

Like me, whenever you help me with my homework.

I remember a certain philosophy paper that I was doing.

I don't know, Dad, I have to disagree with you. Kierkegaard felt that all

knowledge must be self -knowledge.

I think you're wrong, Jen.

He was also concerned with the larger societal problems.

Dad, you're missing the point completely.

Oh, am I?

Kierkegaard believed that examining man's existence within a larger

a societal historical dialectic was an avoidance of subjective knowledge so

essential to comprehending any type of spiritual truth.

Jennifer,

go to your room.

Jennifer, go to your room.

Now, come on. Don't be so hard on your dad.

He's done a lot around here.

Remember when he re -wallpapered the kitchen?

All by himself, too.

Elise!

Mal, Jennifer, Andrew, everybody, could you come out for a minute?

There's something I'd like to show you.

What, honey? Oh, uh... Oh, Stephen, it's magnificent.

I never really liked this wallpaper, but you made it work. This is pretty nice,

Mr. K.

Maybe you'd come over to my house and do my kitchen for me. Well, I have to

admit I'm really good with my hands.

Anyway,

there's a certain satisfaction a man gets.

A certain satisfaction a man gets from a job well done. I think I should do more

work around the house. I don't think so, Dad.

That's fine.

No.

That's fine. No problem. I fully expected that to happen.

It was beautiful while it lasted.

Your father's obsessiveness is one of his most charming traits.

Well, thank you, dear, but I think I've seen you go off the deep end a few

times. Oh, you have?

Yeah, come on, Mom. He's got you there.

Does the phrase snake eyes mean anything to you?

All right, all right, all right. Don't get any of your pet names for each

You see, we all went to Atlantic City, where your mother was to deliver a

lecture at a convention.

Instead, she fell in love with blackjack.

Go see.

It's a card game, honey. Blackjack's a card game.

Like go fish?

A little, but when was the last time someone made $2 ,000 playing go fish?

I'm hungry.

Oh, can I get some ice cream?

Oh, in a few minutes, honey. Your dad and I are going to play a couple hands

blackjack, and then we'll go have a snack. Wait, wait, mom, mom, look, what

you doing? and every second you delay means interest lost and the money we're

going to win.

There's Tom Trump! There's Tom Trump! He's coming this way! Here he comes!

Good call, ma 'am. You look like him from a distance.

You want to give it a try?

We might as well get it over with. You guys stay behind the rope here and don't

get in any trouble.

I'm sorry, but I'll leave people over 21.

Oh, I'll stay back here.

That's 21.

What do you think I should do, Elise?

Oh, don't ask me, Steven. I can only think about my speech.

Stick.

Didn't you read the cards that Alex gave you?

Since the deck is reaching tens, you've got to stick figuring the dealer's score

will bust him.

You heard her. Stick.

23.

Catching those chips. Come on, Elise. Why don't you just play one game?

All right.

I guess it'd be silly to come all the way to Atlantic City and not play one

of blackjack.

Blackjack! On that note, let's call it a day. Come on, honey. Let's hit the

boardwalk. Can it, Steven. We're not going anywhere.

here, but be gentle.

Ooh, soft 16. Hit me again.

Ooh, stick. Hit me over here on the end.

Stick. Thanks, Eddie.

My pleasure, Elise.

The lady wins on all three.

Way to go, Mom. Hang in there. How you doing? Nice to see you.

You've won quite a bit of money, Elise. Why don't we just cash in now?

Steven, everything is under control, baby.

One more.

out of town for me.

Mom, I'm really getting hungry.

Here's ten dollars. Get yourself some ice cream.

Mom, I saw this girl in the lobby.

I think I have enough to talk.

Oh, don't be silly, Andy. The night is young and Keaton memories have just

begun. You know what, Andy? I think it's time that I pass down to you one of my

favorite collections.

Baseball cards?

They're better than baseball cards. The Alex Keaton report cards.

Nursery school through college. You can keep them, you can collect them, you can

trade them with your friends.

Thanks, Alex. I'll treasure them. You really know how to give that something

special, don't you, Alex?

Why would you want to save your report cards?

Because they're gems.

I mean, every year, all A's.

Unlike you, Mallory, who spiced up her academic life by getting a Q in math.

I think it's great your brother shows such an interest in academics.

After all, the first day of school is Alex's favorite day of the year.

Dad, I'm telling you, you are going to do great in high school. Dad, what are

you worried about? This is Harding High. This is my alma mater. I'm a legend

there. Here's your schedule.

Okay.

Okay, first period. You got Mr. Gibson for English. No problem.

He loves me. Wrote me a recommendation for college.

Second period, Mr. Hentoff for math.

She wrote me two recommendations for college.

Third period, Mr. Kauffman for science.

He drove me to college.

Andy, Andy, let's get to work, buddy.

You got a lot of ground to cover here.

First day of kindergarten, you want to get off to a good start, right?

I'm ready. I like it.

Now, the first thing your teacher's going to ask is what you did over the

summer. Now, a lot of kids are going to say, I went to the zoo, or I went to the

beach, or I went to a baseball game. What are you going to say?

I watched the Iran country.

And?

President Reagan doesn't know anything.

He doesn't know anything about the scandal.

Okay, you don't want to be quoted out of context.

See, the great thing about Andy is whenever I'm talking, the kid is

He expresses it in a funny way.

Andy, come on. Time for bed, sweetie.

I'll take him up, Mom. Come on, Andy.

I better stay to oversee the time capsule.

It's okay, Andy.

We'll work on it for you.

That's when I'm afraid of it.

Now what?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe... This.

That's great, Merlin.

Or perhaps... This.

Please, Dad, no magic tricks. You know what happened the last time?

Okay, Alex.

Jennifer, Jennifer, just the person I want to see. Get in this box.

What is this, Daddy Dearest?

Stephen,

we're not going to put our daughter in a magic box.

Okay, at least then you help me.

Oh, Jen, get in.

When I next open this box, my daughter Jennifer will be

gone. Come one, come all from far in the air. You have seen my daughter, dear. I

will make her disappear.

Well,

that's very good. Now bring her back.

She's gone. She's gone. Alack, alack. I will bring my daughter back.

Okay, okay.

Jennifer, Jennifer, the trick worked. You, uh, come out now.

She's really gone.

way there's more family ties coming up in less than 30 seconds and tonight at

six check out san diego's favorite comedy lineup that's right friends will

grace and everybody loves raymond smile you're watching san diego's home for

comedy kswb watch the frog sit good dog