Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Gabardine.

Uncanny.

Incredible. Here, let me try. Let me.

Poplin.

Whoa.

Let me try.

Ah, it's polyester.

Hey, hey.

Is everybody okay? It sounds like someone's being tortured in here.

I was. They made me touch polyester. It was disgusting.

Hey, that's my favorite tie.

What's in the box, Alex?

Something for you, buddy.

What is it? Well, I'm not going to tell you. You've got to guess. But I'll give

you a few clues, okay?

Let me see.

It's alive.

It repeats what it's told.

And it spends most of its time behind bars.

That's not fair, Alex. That could be anyone in the Reagan administration.

The guy at the pet store said he can be trained to climb stairs, to ring a bell,

to play dead, and he can speak over 300 different words.

That's 50 more than you.

When he can coordinate separates, Alex, you call me.

I'm going to go upstairs and show my room. All right, you do that.

Hi. Hey, you're home kind of late from school, aren't you? Yeah, it's... after

to go over some things with my natural science teacher, Mrs. McGreevy. We've

this terrific new unit we're studying, global ecology.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

Sounds fascinating.

Oh, it really is. It's all about how the Earth's ecological systems are being

upset by man's stupid interference.

See, look, we even have this map on the world's most endangered areas.

Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me see that.

All right, I'm safe. What's for dinner?

Okay.

No, you're not safe, Alex. You see, the world is one big living organism, and

everyone in it is in danger.

You see, we're destroying the rainforest in Brazil, the wildlife in Madagascar,

and the ozone layer over the South Pole. Do you know what that means?

Of course I do.

It means those are bad places to invest in timeshare condos.

It's too bad, too, because the South Pole was a real comer.

No, it means that money grubbers are destroying the world for profit.

That's our girl who said that.

Hey, I happen to like money grubbers.

It's our boy who said that.

Come on, Faith and Jen, there's just a price to be paid for progress.

But how high a price, Alex?

I mean, the climate is changing.

You know, we're headed for one long, hot, endless summer.

What will I do with all my dark colors?

God, Elise, this is just like the old days. Remember when we celebrated the

first Earth Day? How could I ever forget?

As you may know, your father and I played crucial roles in saving the

No. If there isn't a wombat alive today, they'll forget us.

Save the wombat, Lord.

Kumbaya.

Save the wombat, Lord.

I'm sorry, but all these... have to go. I'm sorry, too.

What are they?

Things I found around the house that are harmful to the environment.

I mean, if we're going to save the planet, then we're going to have to

much more ecologically aware around here.

I didn't realize we had so much of this stuff.

It's so easy to become complacent. But Jen's right.

Gotta go.

Especially this.

Jennifer, that's my hair conditioner.

Mallory, it has formaldehyde. It gets into our water supply, and along with a

bunch of other contaminants, kills our fish, and will destroy the entire

ecosystem.

What good is an ecosystem if I have split ends?

Mallory, you can use another brand.

Hope your ecosystems are happy.

Now, come on, let's face it, gang. Even though some of these things make our

lives easier, I'm sure... Sure, we can do without them. Yeah, we just have to

find some safe alternatives.

Now, who's going to help me make the tofu tacos?

Wait, Mom, you weren't going to use a stove, were you?

Well, sure.

Maybe.

No, why not?

Mom, gas stoves give off carbon monoxide and nitrogen dioxide gases.

I mean, those are both major pollutants.

Well, we don't have to pollute to eat.

Tofu tacos are just as good cold.

I'd eat them anyway you serve them, dear. Fortunately, I have a ham sandwich

left over from last night's takeout.

Dan, I can't believe you did that.

All right, I'll eat the cold tofu.

No, you accepted that container and supported the production of polystyrene

foam.

I didn't mean it, I swear.

Do you know what happens when that container breaks down?

It gives off chemicals that have caused a hole in the ozone layer the size of

the continental United States.

You're absolutely right. At least how many times have I told you this damn

polystyrene foam is a hazard?

Let's get rid of this stuff. Let's get it out of here right now.

Well, Dad, you just can't throw it away.

Well, I can't. Of course not. What was I thinking?

We'll put it on the lawn and make an example of it.

No, you... You just can't put it in the trash because it's not biodegradable. I

mean, eventually it'll poison our neighborhood soil and groundwater.

All right, all right.

Believe me, no choice.

I'll build an atom smasher.

Oh, forget it. Maybe there's no answer.

In that case, I'll just be using my air conditioner.

I'd like to talk to you about the Brazilian rainforest.

As you may have read, we're burning down the rainforest and killing the whole

species in the process.

And not just the big animals that get all the publicity, like tigers and

monkeys, but little guys like you, who shouldn't be brushed aside just so

someone can build another polluted, ugly highway.

And I really hate that.

And I know you do, too.

Hello. Dippy wants a cracker.

I'm sorry, but they use fossil fuels for baking them.

Oh, Jen, you'll never guess what we found.

An incredible store that sells nothing but non -polluting, non -toxic, non

-hazardous products.

Sounds great, Dad.

Mallory even found something in the vegetable cosmetics department.

Yeah, I got eggplant eyeliner, lentil lip gloss, and rutabaga rouge.

I think I'm going to put them on right now.

And then maybe I'll eat them.

Oh, wait, wait, there's something I want to show Jim. Oh, no, Mom, it's probably

the beet blush. I'll just, I'll show it to you later. No, no, no, it's the,

um... Oh, wait.

Where did this come from?

Oh, right. I ran across the street to pollutants R .S., okay?

Nice try.

Fine. You want my hair au naturel?

I'll just go stick my head in the crisper.

How was your day, honey? All right, I guess. I just watched some TV.

Well, what about your tree planting rally to remedy the greenhouse effect?

Wasn't that today?

Yeah. I called it off, though.

Why? I thought that was a terrific idea.

I started to think that these problems are just too big.

I mean, every day more and more forests are being destroyed, more ultraviolet

rays are getting through, and the Earth is just getting hotter and hotter. I

know. I watched the Weather Channel all day, and the temperature just kept going

up and up.

You know, Jennifer, look, we understand what you're going through.

It's easy to get depressed when you see what's happening to the world. But we

just want you to know you should feel free to talk to us about any of this.

We're on your side.

Thanks, Dad, but there's nothing to talk about.

I mean, talking doesn't solve anything.

Look, you know, maybe we've all been focusing too much on this environmental

thing, huh? Let's just get it off our minds for a while and relax.

That's a good idea. While we watch some TV, I'll make some popcorn.

Maybe there'll be a game on. Oh, there is.

Yanks and the Indians. What do you say, Jen? Come on.

Okay, anything but the weather channel. It's depressing.

You got it. Come on, let's see what we got here, honey.

And now for today's news update.

All right, this game should be on any minute.

Good evening.

Rescue and cleanup efforts continue tonight in Prince William Sound in an

attempt to contain the damage caused by the massive oil spill from a

supertanker. God, I can't watch this.

Unfortunately, some experts predict that the effects of the spill may now be

irreversible as numbers of oil -soaked birds, otters, and fish wash ashore.

it off. I can't watch this.

I mean, Jennifer's getting entirely out of hand with all this ecological

business.

Yeah, I got to admit, I do miss Mallory's old hair conditioner.

All right, listen, Jennifer's gone completely over the edge.

And I'm surprised, because I thought if anyone in this family was going to flip

out, it would have been Alex.

Oh, that hurts.

Especially coming from somebody who looks like they've just been

That's the third time he's done that. And yesterday, he called George Bush a

bird brain.

I wonder how southern fried parakeet tastes.

You know, I really am worried about Jennifer.

When I try to talk to her, all she gives me are statistics.

The more statistics she gives, the more depressed she seems to get.

I'm worried, too. She makes me wear sunscreen when I go outside.

Yeah, she won't come downstairs anymore because she's worried about the radon

gas buildup on the first floor. I mean, she won't even think about going into

the basement.

How do we know if there's radon in the basement?

Well, I'm sure we could find out, Andy.

But if we were coal miners, I suppose we'd take a canary down with us because

the gas would affect the canary first.

Really?

What?

It's going to take Dickie for a wonky.

I hope we're not overreacting here. Jennifer's always been a very sensitive

girl, and it's easy to get emotional about the environment.

No, I don't know. I'm sure it'll pass.

See?

It's good to see you, Jen.

That is you, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't think that mask goes with those pajamas.

It's one degree hotter today than it was in 1956.

Jen, shouldn't you be dressed? You're supposed to be in school in half an

I don't really feel like going today, Mom.

Say, Alex, would you mind doing Andy's carpool and dropping Mallory off to

school, too? I'm not ready to leave just yet. Sure, Dad. Come on. Come on,

buddy. Okay. Come on, Mal. Fit you in the car somehow.

Stick your head through the sunroof.

Jennifer, your mom and I would like to talk to you a minute.

Sure.

We're a little worried about the way you're dealing with this ecology issue.

You mean how I'm dealing with the end of the world?

Yes.

You're not handling it well.

Who could?

I mean, it really...

we do seem really stupid and pointless.

I mean, why go to school?

Why have a career?

Why raise a family? It's all going to be over in a few years anyway.

I mean, it's all hopeless.

Honey, it's not hopeless.

Well, you just don't seem to really be able to open up to us very much. Maybe

you should talk to someone else.

Maybe the school counselor, you know?

I'm sure he's dealt with this before.

Dealt with what?

Now, these problems are not in my head.

They're real.

I have written documents. Now, if you guys want to ignore all the horrible

things that are going on in this world, then you need to see the school

counselor, not me.

Look, we're not ignoring the facts. We're not denying the problems.

But our most important problem is your health.

And this is taking too much of a toll on you. It's got to stop.

I really think you should see the counselor.

All right, fine.

I'll go see him, but he's going to find out that I'm a normal 16 -year -old

student with realistic concerns.

And if his radon level is over 4 .0, I'm out of there.

So this portion of the eastern seaboard has been completely devastated by acid

rain. Not to mention the environmental catastrophe that European forests have

suffered from lack of industrial control. Jennifer, I'm sure that that's

true, and we all realize that the environment is a big issue.

But I'd like to digress just for a moment, if we could.

Let's talk about your social life.

You like boys?

Yeah.

Especially boys who don't burn fossil fuels.

Pardon me?

Well, drive.

Cars burn fossil fuels.

I like boys who don't drive because they don't pollute.

See, car emissions are leaving a layer of carbon dioxide above the earth that

will eventually trap the heat and cook us.

Okay, so you like boys.

Oh, what about sport?

Music?

Mr. Hilgenberg, I don't see what this has to do with anything.

I am concerned about what is happening to our environment, and I think I have

reason to be.

What I'm trying to get at, Jennifer, is that what you're saying may be true, but

you seem to be obsessed by it.

No, I'm not obsessed.

Look, it's perfectly normal at your age. The same thing happens to students when

they're exposed to violently graphic safe driving films or explicit

about the effects of nuclear war.

They tend to dwell on it. The important thing for you to remember is that...

Your fears are more debilitating than the actual problem.

You know, maybe with a car accident or a nuclear war, because that might never

happen. But right this minute, we are surrounded by a zillion different life

-threatening influences.

Like what?

Okay, well, let's take a look at your office.

Okay. I've already mentioned the radon level.

How about microwave?

From where?

Well, from your computer terminal.

It looks innocent enough, but studies show that waves similar... of the waves

given off by video display terminals can alter fetal development in animals.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, but come on. I mean, how many animals use computers, right?

Did I mention the electromagnetic waves it emits?

I mean, it's been shown that the government's acceptable exposure limits

exceeded by merely touching the screen or sides of the terminal.

You know, I never really learned how to use this thing anyway.

Or how about the air conditioner?

It's spewing ozone -destroying freon gas into the atmosphere as we speak.

Why don't we shut this thing off?

I haven't even covered the contaminants in our drinking water.

It's causing these big, horrible tumors in our fish.

Or how about the ultraviolet rays that are pouring through this window right

now? Hey!

Stop!

What's wrong?

I can't take this. You're depressing me.

Well, I am sorry, Mr. Helgenberg. I didn't mean to. Well, you did. I mean, I

having a perfectly nice day, and then you come into my office, and you tell me

that everything around me is hazardous.

And I believe you.

I was just giving you the facts.

The facts are bleak. They're terrifying.

They're horrible.

Let's face it.

It's over.

You're some counselor.

Well, look, I wouldn't exactly say that it's over.

Oh, no? Well, if it's not, prove it to me. What can we do to possibly change

anything?

Come in.

Stephen, listen.

The whales.

They're so...

By God, you're right.

That's humpbacks by moonlight.

We haven't heard that in years.

Must have been hard to slow dance to.

Try humming it.

Mr. Hilgenberg called. He's feeling better, but... He's thinking

of moving to New Zealand.

Gosh, I didn't mean to upset him like that.

He looked terrible.

He was pale and tense.

I made the school counselor go see the school nurse.

Well, look on the bright side. Some good did come out of it. You made him aware.

Oh, you've rekindled our commitment.

Things have changed for the better around here.

With the exception of your mother's reckless use of the gas stove.

But you guys weren't there.

I mean, you didn't see the look on his face when he asked me, what can we do?

And I didn't have an answer for him.

There is no easy answer, honey.

Oh, when we first became interested in saving the Earth, well, we didn't know

anything about the ozone problem, and the rainforest seemed relatively safe.

But the stuff that we did know about...

Air and water pollution and saving the whales.

Well, no one else seemed to really care about it. It was all just the beginning

and everyone thought it was made up by hippies and crackpots.

But the problems are so much worse now.

That's why they need more commitment.

You can't allow yourself to get overwhelmed.

You're so bright, you're so aware.

You can't afford to lose you in the struggle.

I just don't know if I could really make a difference.

What about the effect you had on Mr. Hilgenberg?

I made a move to an island with sheep.

Well, that probably would have happened anyway.

Look, you can make a difference.

But you don't have to do it by yourself. There are organizations you can join.

Maybe you want to become a member of Sierra Club or Greenpeace. Hey, look,

someday you may head up Greenpeace. Oh, I'd like that. That way I know my

grandchildren's world in safe hands.

Hi, Jen.

Listen, we tested the basement and there's no radon.

So you can come downstairs now.

Oh, she'd be happy to know. I found a conditioner that's ecologically safe.

Provides the luster and sheen that my hair's grown accustomed to.

There is hope.

I taught Dickie how to say something. Dickie, say it. Come on, Dickie. Say it,

Dickie.

Thank you, Andy.

I'll do my best.

Watch the Frog.

Don't go away. There's more family ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond.

Smile. You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the Frog.

Good dog.