Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

That was work. Oh, another day, another dollar.

You know, Dad, yours is one of the few jobs where that's literally true.

Maybe so, Alex, but today was no ordinary day. On the way home, I noticed

Murphy's Bookstore was having a going -out -of -business sale, so I stopped

and I got a little something for everybody.

Oh. Lisa, this is for you.

Cat in the hat?

Oh, um, no, that's Andy's.

Here's yours.

Oh, Gothic architecture in ancient Babylonia.

I'll take Cat in the Hat.

Mal,

here you go.

Oh, God!

Oh, it's the new Sherlin McLean autobiography!

There must be a higher power in the universe if I'm making so much money

what I'm doing! Thanks, Bill!

You're welcome. Jan, I thought you might enjoy this.

Trout fishing in Canada.

It's finally in paperback.

Oh, no, they must have given me the wrong book. I'll take care of that

And, Alex, number one on the financial bestseller list. Hey, Dad, now give me

money. That's what I want.

That's what I want, uh -uh, uh -uh.

That's what I want.

And best of all, I got this for myself.

Oh, the American Medical Association medical guide.

You feeling okay?

Oh, I'm fine, finally.

It's just since the heart attack I've been more concerned about good health.

And this book has home remedies, safety tips, symptoms of all your major

diseases.

Sounds like a real page turner, Dad.

Oh, it is, Mel, it is. Now, for example, let's say you've been feeling tired,

irritated, frustrated, depressed. You turn to the self -diagnosis chart, and

tells you what you have.

Teenagers.

Well, this teenager's about to drop from hunger if we don't eat soon.

Well, honey, the alfalfa barnacle croquettes are ready.

Oh, darn it. I'm going out for dinner.

With who?

With Paul Corman.

Oh, that's nice. I haven't seen him since he graduated from Leland last

What's he doing now?

What's he doing now?

He happens to be an associate at Dun & Bradley, the biggest investment banking

firm in Ohio.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mal. I know that's not as impressive as most of your

friends. I mean, who could forget Shirley Applebaum, the woman who

support hose?

Hey. Alex.

Hey, here we go. How are you? Hi, everybody.

So, what's new in the market?

Well, I'm assuming you read Simpson's article in the journal today. Oh, yeah.

You know, I can't believe he's still carrying that old Keynesian deficit

spending currency infusion banner.

Actually, I thought he did a good job refuting Dawson's pseudo -supply -side

inversion theory.

Well, granted, Dawson's last essay was way too reminiscent of Clemson's piece

refinancing the Third World debt through a suspension of the IMF loans.

At least it was better than Oppenheimer's Feast. Oh, God, did you

Oppenheimer's Feast? I bit about the variable prime rate.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I guess you had to be there.

I'm sorry. We must be boring the rest of you.

I did just have an out -of -body experience.

Oh, by the way, Alex, Dun & Bradley are looking to hire a new associate, and I

gave your resume to the hiring committee, and they want to meet with

sometime next week.

I hope you don't mind.

Now let me give you a complete tour of the place.

This is my desk.

Hey. Nice, isn't it?

Everything you need to make it in the business world. Computer, fax machine,

terminal.

Pepnobismol.

Extra strength Pepnobismol.

Industrial strength Maalox.

And hey, look at this.

Whoa. That was when we co -won the Newman Award for Excellence in

Economics. We really had some good times, didn't we?

Yeah, I'll say.

Remember the night of our high school prom?

We snuck down and we watched them load tens and twenties into the automatic

teller machine?

One of the most romantic nights of my life.

Good morning, Mr. Corman.

Good morning, Ms. Daniels. Ms. Foster is ready for Mr. Keaton now.

Okay, listen, Paul, no matter what happens in there, I really want to thank

for setting up this interview.

Listen, you just go in there, knock them dead.

No, you listen to me. I'm not going to stand for this nonsense. I won't be

jerked around, you understand?

Either you come through for me or you're out. You can be replaced, you know.

All right, say hello to Dad.

I'm Jessica Foster. Good to meet you. Good to meet you, Ms. Foster. Alex

Yes, I know.

Please, have a seat. Thank you.

I agreed to see you today, Mr. Keaton, because this is an outstanding resume.

Fine school, excellent grades, terrific recommendations.

I was particularly impressed with this one from Richard Nixon.

Unfortunately, that may not be enough.

I'm sorry. Excuse me?

Every applicant who comes in that door went to a top school and received

straight A's.

I'm looking for something special.

Something different.

Something extraordinary.

I do a little juggling.

I'm quite serious, Mr. Keaton.

If you're not, perhaps we should just terminate this interview.

Miss Foster, look, I understand exactly what it is you're getting at. And

believe me, I can help you.

Really?

How exciting.

I can help you.

Because not only do I have the basic training and know -how necessary to

structure a takeover merger, supervise a leveraged buyout, and make change

blindfolded.

I also have what can't be taught.

A vibrant, passionate, almost life -threatening

love of money.

Now, sure, everyone who comes through this door loves money.

But do they dream about it?

Do they fantasize about it?

Do they roll around naked in it?

Now, Ms. Foster, I'm sure you're familiar with the saying that the love

is the root of all evil.

So what?

have to do a lot better than that to get me to stop loving money.

I mean, it is as fundamental to our lives as food, air, and shelter. Miss

Foster, you asked for something special. I am something special. I am something

different. I am something extraordinary.

I am money. Hear me roar!

Elise, would you feel my head?

Why?

I think I'm coming down with malaria.

Stephen, that is the fourth disease you've contracted since you got that

You look fine to me, Dad.

Well, excuse me, Mal, but I don't remember seeing your medical degree

recently.

In fact, I doubt that any of you are really equipped to deal with even the

common medical emergencies.

Such as?

Well, for example, do any of you know how to handle snake bites?

Sure, you suck the poison out.

Not necessarily, ma 'am.

It all depends on the type of snake that's involved.

You see, the copperhead's bite only results in mild pain and discomfort.

But the cobra's bite induces dizziness, disorientation, and

delirium.

It's obviously the one that got you.

Hey.

How did the interview go? Well, let me put it to you this way, Jen. All my life

there's been something I wanted to buy, but I never had the occasion to wear it.

Well, today... I bought it.

Well, either you got the job or you've been possessed by Mr. Magoo.

I got the job!

Great, great.

You know what they said?

They said that if it goes well, they're going to transfer me to Wall Street.

Do you know what that means?

You'll be moving out.

It means I will be rich.

And that is all I've ever wanted my whole life. Well, to be rich and not to

bald before I was 30.

And to have a Porsche.

And to not go bald in that Porsche.

He's hilarious.

Maybe got bit by a cobra.

And I would all like you to have one of these as a token of my profound

gratitude.

Thanks, son. This makes it all worthwhile.

And here is the man that I have to thank for all of this.

You know what we're going to do tonight? You know how we're going to celebrate?

We're going to pop open a couple of bottles of champagne, and we're going to

watch reruns of Wall Street Week until the sun comes up.

Let the good times roll, Alex.

But first, I'm going to take you all out to eat for the most expensive meal.

You can get it, Guidos.

No, I think I can even achieve it.

Okay, let's get moving so we can catch the early bird special.

So, you think that I'm going to have a desk near yours?

Actually, I think you're going to have my desk.

What does that mean?

Alex, they fired me.

You're kidding me, right?

Foster called me into her office just before the end of the day.

She said she was unhappy with my work.

That I didn't have enough of a lust for cash and that I don't want to roll

around naked in money.

What sort of lunatic would do that?

She said there are only so many positions at the farm and that you had

of killer instinct that she was looking for.

I'm really sorry, Paul.

That's okay. I mean, I was probably on the way out anyway.

You know, I'd rather see you get it than somebody else.

Right.

Well, listen, I'm going to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

All right. Yeah, I'll give you a call.

Hey.

Where's Paul?

Didn't you invite him to dinner?

He didn't feel much like going out.

He just found out he got fired.

Well, that's terrible. On the same day you were hired.

Yeah, I think I got his job.

Well, you're not going to take it, are you?

Of course I'm going to take it, Jennifer.

I mean, that's the way it is in the business world.

But, honey, he's your friend.

Mom, I am not going to turn down a job that pays $45 ,000 a year.

$45 ,000?

How well did you really know him?

Let's go celebrate. No, wait, Alex.

How can you celebrate at a time like this?

All right, forget it.

I'll go celebrate by myself.

I knew he'd get out of paying for this dinner.

Well, good morning, Mr. Keaton.

Welcome to your first day at Nunn and Bradley. Good morning, Miss Foster.

I'll tell you, Mr. Keaton, I envy you.

I remember my first day on the job.

So exciting.

I was right out of Harvard.

Try a business major?

No, literature major.

What a waste of time.

Well, it could have been worse.

Could have been an ethics major.

Get back to work. This is the paperwork on the Dell merger. I'd like an analysis

by the end of the day. No problem. And you can take Corman's old desk.

Right.

Yeah, Alex P. Keaton.

No, I'm sorry. Paul Corman doesn't work here anymore.

No, I don't feel guilty about that.

Alright, Mallory, knock it off.

Come in.

Uh, Ms. Foster?

I finished that analysis of the Dell merger.

Very nice, Mr. Keaton.

This is the best analysis I've seen in months.

You're going to do very well here, Alex.

Thank you very much.

I quit.

You have trouble with compliments, don't you?

Ms. Foster, look, I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm sorry I'm going to

to resign.

Fine. Whatever you want.

But you know what I think, Mr. Keaton?

I think you're just a nice, sweet guy.

Take that back.

I bet you've never done anything truly nasty in your entire life.

Oh, yeah.

Get my family on the phone.

What did you ever do that showed a killer instinct?

In the seventh grade, I poured salt on a slug.

A lot of salt.

You're pathetic.

Get out of my office. All right, fine. Okay, okay. Let me tell you something. I

may be a nice guy, but you have way too many lamps in this office.

All right.

You've pulled your drowning victim out of the water.

You've completed the resuscitation.

Now, the next step is to expel the water from the lung, which is achieved with a

firm push on the chest cavity.

So.

Oh, that's mature, Lisa.

You've been letting that silly medical book dominate your whole life.

It's true, Dad. Every day we've had a first aid demonstration. It's like

with a school nurse.

Yeah, you walk around complaining about ailments you couldn't possibly have.

Like what? Oh, Stephen, you are not molting.

Oh, no, Elise, this is my second skin today.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Hey, guys.

I quit.

Boy, nobody works at that place very long, do they?

You guys were right. I mean, I couldn't take that job after they fired Paul.

I thought I could just go down there and forget about it, but it didn't work out

that way.

Honey, I think that was very noble of you.

You had to make a choice between money and friendship, and you chose

Boy, I would have lost my shirt on that bet.

I don't think you guys fully appreciate how devastating this is to me.

I mean, I always assumed that when the time came that I could be cold and

heartless and tough.

I mean, that's what it takes to make it in the business world. Instead, it turns

out, I've got a conscience.

Damn it.

Alex, you did the right thing. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able

with yourself.

As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, if a friend does evil to you, say to him, I

forgive you for what you did to me, but how could I forgive you for what you did

to yourself?

Grow up, Jen.

Alex, I'm sure there are plenty of sharks in the business world, but I'm

sure there are plenty of decent, compassionate people who have become

successful. Oh, Dad.

Name one.

Well, there's your Uncle Charlie.

Dad, Uncle Charlie manufactures wax fruit.

Not only.

He's been getting into lips and candles.

No, no.

Let's face it. I haven't got what it takes.

I'm just not tough enough to make it.

I've got to find myself a kinder, gentler profession.

No, honey, even if you are nice, we're still proud of you.

medical book, I have a question. Oh, sure, Andy. What's up?

What's human reproduction?

Well,

Andy, it's, um... Sort

of, uh...

Father doesn't actually know, honey.

It's when a man and a woman... Oh, birds do it.

Bees do it.

Educated fleas do it.

Nice going, Dr. Ruth.

Girls, help us out here.

How should we know? You never told us.

Come on in the kitchen and we'll explain it to you. I know what it means. I just

want to see how they would react.

Hey, Paul, are you crazy? Why did you quit?

Listen, get on the phone, call Foster and tell her you want that job back.

Forget it, Paul. I'm not taking your job.

It's not my job.

It's a job, and it's open. You should have never let it go. You would have

the same thing for me.

Oh, yeah? Really? You think I would have quit a $45 ,000 a year job for you?

Yep.

Well, you're right.

50 would be a different story, of course.

I completely understand.

Well, I'll tell you this much, Alex.

You're a hell of a nice guy.

I know, I know. I'll grow out of it.

Anyway, there are a lot of jobs out there.

Oh, actually, I think I got a shot at a job over at Hugh Simpson.

Hey, congratulations.

Hey, well, you know, guys like us bounce back quick.

Hey, you bet.

You think you can get me an interview?

Next on KSWB, get wacky with Jackie. Jackie Chan Adventures, just part of

WB. And at 5, stay tuned for the magic of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. There's a

full afternoon right ahead on KSWB, San Diego's WB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.