Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Hey, Dan, let me carry those. Alex, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Stephen. You're not supposed to carry heavy things. You just

heart attack.

Elise, please.

Everyone, do me a favor. I don't want to hear the words heart attack.

Well, Mom's right, Dad. I mean, you shouldn't overexert yourself since, you

know, you had the... H thingy.

Look, I had a... H thingy.

But I'm doing fine now. It's not as if I'm going to, um...

D thingy.

Stephen, I think you're slowly losing your M thingy.

What's for dessert, Mom?

Oh, I made some chocolate pudding. Oh, good. I love chocolate pudding. Oh, no,

that's not for you. This is your dessert.

Seaweed bran pudding.

Leif, this was my main course.

Not with plankton whip.

Mm -mm.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Oh, hi. Honey, thanks for the ride, Skippy. Hi,

Hey, Skippy, would you like to join us for some dessert?

Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Keaton. I think I'm just going to go back to my house, go up

to my room, and carry on with my pointless and totally lackluster life.

Say hello to your parents.

Skippy, is something wrong?

Not something, Mrs. Keaton. It's just everything.

Today was career day at Grant.

We got the results of our job aptitude test.

How'd you do, Mel? Oh, great.

They said I'm good at shopping, exchanging, and gift wrapping.

Well, let's just hope you use your power for good instead of evil.

How'd you do, Skip?

Oh, not bad. Not bad. I did fine.

Oh, yeah? What are you good at?

Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

There's a real future in that, Skip.

Oh, let's face it. I've hit my peak.

It's all downhill from here.

Oh, come on, Skip. Come on, it'll work out. Why don't you come out with me for

dessert? No, thanks, Mr. K. Are you sure?

I'm going to Baskin -Robbins.

Stephen, don't you dare.

I'm just going to fondle some sherbet.

Cheer up, Skippy. Look, you brought him all those career brochures. I'm sure

there's something in there for you.

Maybe you're right.

Join the circus.

Become a human cannonball.

Gee, Skip, it says you'd be good at that.

Oh, no, it's hopeless.

I'll never have a career. Maybe I should just go into business with my father.

Oh, what is he doing these days?

He's retired.

Come on, Skippy, look at all these career opportunities.

Uh, computer technician, dental assistant, bookkeeping, chimney sweep.

Hey, look at this one, the army.

Don't run away from chimney sweep.

Look at this. It says you can travel all over the world, meet new and

interesting people, work with state -of -the -art technology.

Come on, Skip. You're really not the army type.

What are you talking about? It's in my blood.

One of my relatives was a famous revolutionary war hero, Lieutenant

Hamelman. He was the first American soldier to be captured by his own

Skip, be serious here, you know. That's a very big step you're talking about.

This is the dawn of a new, tough... courageous, independent Skippy

Alex, will you come with me?

Good afternoon.

I'm Sergeant Davis. Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah, hi, Sergeant Davis. I'm Alex P. Keaton, and this is Erwin Handelman.

Erwin, I'd like to join the Army.

Well, that's good, Erwin.

What makes you interested in the Army?

I want to be a man, sir.

Well, we can't promise anything, Erwin.

But we'll do our best.

And what about you, Alex?

Why do you want to join the Army? Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm really...

not the military type, Sergeant. I'm a business major.

Oh, well, then perhaps you'll want to join our new elite fighting force, the

Airborne Accounting Corps.

The soldiers of fiscal warfare.

See, we drop these troops behind hostile territory and they screw up the enemy's

books.

Well, actually, sir, I'm from a family of fiscal pacifists.

That's too bad. Why don't you guys have a seat?

Erwin, let me ask you a few questions about yourself.

Okay. Shoot.

Age? Twenty.

Any law violations?

Well, some people say I violate the laws of natural selection.

Education?

Two years of college.

Oh, that's great. Where?

Grant College.

Oh.

Well, uh, Sergeant Davis, Grant College, well, being an institute of lower

learning, has produced some fine military prospects.

In fact, may I remind you, sir, that Grant College is named for Ulysses S.

Grant.

Or possibly Lou Grant.

Both fine fighting men in their own right.

You know, Alex, you might be an excellent candidate for our airborne

assault team.

You flatter me.

Erwin, militarily speaking, Is there a specific area that particularly

you? Well, I've always seen myself driving a tank.

I feel pretty well prepared because my father has a Buick.

Tanks it is.

That's it? I'm in?

Well, there are a few formalities that have to be completed, but my general

sense of it, Erwin, is that you're good Army material.

Oh, right. Hey, hey, Skip, Skip, look, you're moving really fast here now. Are

you serious about this? Oh, yes, I feel really good about this. This is right

for me. Well, then, you'll be looking at eight weeks of basic training at Fort

Wharton. Uh, where is that? Just outside Dayton.

Whoa, right on the front lines.

And I'll be seeing you down there, Erwin. I'm transferring down to Fort

I'll be your drill instructor.

They'll warm up to you, Sarge.

Hey, don't mind if I do. Thanks.

Dad, these chips are not for you.

They've not been approved by the American Heart Association.

What am I supposed to eat?

Oh, Stephen, do you think we're insensitive to that?

I'm up with a perfect solution.

Cardiac chips.

And these are homemade and there's nothing bad in them. No salt, no fat, no

preservatives. Well, great. What's the recipe?

thinly slice a raw potato and serve.

Oh, now that must be the Handelmans, but they're a little upset about Skippy

going, so try to be supportive and show them a good time. All right.

Hello.

Private Handelman reporting for party, sir.

Hey. At ease, Handelman, at ease. Come on in, Rose. All right.

like to thank you for throwing this little shindig for Erwin. Oh, I'm sure

throw one for us if we were going in the army.

We're so proud of him. He's going to be such a wonderful soldier.

He's going to look so handsome in his uniform.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll call you every day. Twice a day.

Once a day is fine.

Every other day is fine.

Well, come on, everybody. Help yourselves here. Have something to eat.

What's he going to eat in the army? They don't know how to cook for him. He

doesn't eat everything, you know.

It's not going to be like the good nourishing food he's been eating at our

and yours all these years.

These are raw.

So, Skippy, when are you shipping out?

Really soon. In fact, Sergeant Davis is coming here to pick me up so we can be

at Fort Wharton by 0600 hours.

which for you civilians is 600 hours after all.

I spoke to Sergeant Davis on the phone. He sounds like a

very nice man. I told him about all of Irwin's special sweet little quirks.

Come on, Mom, you don't have to do that. You can't watch over me every minute.

I've got to grow up sometime.

He's right, Rose. He's a big boy now.

He's not the same little skippy that used to walk around chewing an old blue

blanket.

Did you pack it, Mom?

It's in there right next to your asthma inhaler and your nightlight.

Excuse me.

Oh, Sergeant Davis, I presume.

That's correct.

I'm Stephen Keaton. How are you?

4F, flat feet, tricked knee, heart attack.

That's good to know.

Please, Dad.

Come in. Sergeant Davis, everyone.

Sergeant Davis, sir. You don't have to salute me, Erwin.

This is sweet, but if you do this at the base, no one's going to want to share a

foxhole with you.

Sergeant Davis, I'm Rose Handelman.

We spoke on the phone.

I haven't forgotten.

Your son can't digest milk products.

And don't forget, at night... He kicks off the covers and needs to be tucked

Well, I guess I'm off to war.

What about you, Alex?

It's not too late.

No, sorry to really please.

Actually, I inherited my dad's trickney.

What are you talking about, Alex? You don't have a trickney.

Jennifer, listen.

Whoa!

My foot just went flat.

Wow.

This is really goodbye.

Well, not quite yet. Rose, Harry, Skippy, look.

We're really going to miss you.

But, well, it's hard to put it in words, so...

Goodbye,

Mr. Skippy.

I'll never forget you.

I'm going to miss you so much.

You've meant the world to me.

Mr. Keaton, you'll wait for me, won't you?

We better go now.

Everybody better hurry up. Inspection's in five.

Irwin, come on, get up.

One more minute, Mommy.

I'm not your Mommy.

I've got a gun.

Oh.

Hi, how are you?

How's your goose?

Now get up. It's inspection.

And you've already failed twice.

This time, I'm prepared.

You better pull yourself together or you're going to lose your weekend pass.

Hey, Handelman, what are you doing with your weekend pass?

Oh, I thought I'd just hang around here and brush up on the Geneva Convention.

Did you guys hear what Handelman is doing with his weekend pass?

Brushing up on the Geneva Convention.

What the hell is the Geneva Convention?

Well, maybe you should hang out with me here and brush up on it.

You're talking to me, Handelman?

Allworthy, back off.

You're not scaring me.

All right, maybe you are scaring me.

Ready for inspection?

Yes, General Sergeant!

Actually, I could use a few more minutes.

Put a lid on it, soldier.

All right, soldiers, stand at ease.

Get to your bunks.

Good job, Curtis.

Well done, Matthews.

Good job, Strauss.

Well done, Holworthy.

Are

you

looking for something specific, Sarge?

Yes. I'm looking for the signs of a soldier. And I don't see one here.

Sergeant Davis, can I talk to you for a minute?

What happened to us?

We used to be so close.

Don't you remember back at the recruiting office?

Well, we'll always have Columbus handle it.

Weekend pass is revoked.

Compliments of private Irwin Handelman.

Um... No, Sergeant, you...

Guys, I've got some extra fig newtons.

am i kidding

celery

dog elise steven tonight you're gonna get lucky i

don't care about that elise i want some food

about, Stephen.

See, you've been so pathetic all week having to eat all this low -cholesterol

food, so I called Dr. Harrington, and he said that occasionally you could have a

small treat.

Don't tease me like that.

Feast your eyes on this.

Oh, God,

Elise, thank you.

You can't have it all.

You just have this much.

Aren't you going to finish it?

I'd like to save the rest for tomorrow.

Hey, look at this. We got a postcard from Skippy. Oh, what's it say?

I don't know. It's in Spanish.

It was

something about Akron.

How do you know, Jennifer? Did you take Spanish?

You know... He's only been gone a

couple of weeks.

But I really miss our little Scapito.

I can't believe this, Deb, but I have to agree with you.

I mean, remember all the silly things he used to do? Like when he'd come over to

see us, instead of knocking on the door, he'd squish his face up against the

glass and...

I didn't think they'd give you time off. Do the letters A -W -O -L mean anything

to you?

You went AWOL? That's right. I did it. I went AWOL.

What is AWOL?

It means absent without leave.

Really? I thought it literally meant AWOL.

As in going over AWOL, which is what I did.

Skippy, what are you talking about? Listen, I thought you said everything

going fine there. It wasn't. It was a complete disaster. Nobody liked me. Oh,

come on, Skippy. You should be used to that.

Oh, my God. Oh, it's Sergeant Davis. What am I going to do?

Skippy, I... No, I... Well, Sergeant

Davis. Miss Keaton.

If you're here to measure me for a uniform, about face.

No, no, I'm here looking for Private Irwin Handelman.

I'm here, Sergeant Davis.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Keaton, but this is my problem, and I've got to deal

with it.

Excuse me, folks, but would you mind if I speak to the private privately?

offense. Now, going AWOL is one of the Army's least favorite things.

What's going to happen to me now, Sergeant?

We could throw you in the stockade.

Or we could put you on a rock pile.

Or we could do what we're going to do.

Let you out.

You can do that?

It's called a trainee discharge for unadaptability.

This won't be the first one of these I've gotten.

is finding out where you fit in and where you don't fit in.

And we both know you don't fit into the Army.

I don't know.

I don't feel good about this.

I don't want to feel like I'm quitting.

You're not.

You're fired.

Well, great. So I'm back to where I started, back to square one. I'm just no

good at anything.

Hey, listen to me, Erwin.

It took a lot of courage for you to join the Army.

And that's the same kind of courage that's going to get you to where you

rightfully be.

You're going to become a man, Erwin.

Thank you, Sergeant Davis.

Alex, I want you.

No, actually, Sergeant Davis, I've been thinking about that Airborne Accounting

Corps and... Oh! Darn the old trickney.

I'll be back for you, Alex.

Irwin?

What the frog?

Don't go away. There's more Family Ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.