Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

All right.

Who did this?

This is the most regressive, childish, immature thing I have ever seen in my

life.

I did the teeth.

I did the mustache.

I did the beard.

Who did the antennas?

I think you always had those, honey.

Who can resist?

What's going on?

I can barely hear myself blow dry my hair.

You wouldn't be interested, Mal. We're talking about the election.

Oh, really, Alex? Are you forgetting something? I'm voting this year. Nick

went down and registered.

I guess this means they've abolished that literacy requirement.

Have you decided who you're voting for, Mallory? No, not yet. Honey, we've got

some Dukakis literature upstairs if you're interested.

I have some Bush literature that I think is very helpful in defining the

differences between the two candidates.

Dentists also use it when they run out of Novocaine.

Sorry

to

interrupt your quiet morning at home.

Sorry, we get a little passionate around here come election time.

Well, have you decided who you're going to vote for, Lauren? Because we have

some literature up here.

Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom, just give me a little bit of credit here, okay? Lauren

have discussed the issue, and I think she feels the same way as I do about

Well, you've really got her under your thumb, son.

Andy, you want to get Lauren another one of those Bush t -shirts?

Okay, but I think we're out of mediums.

I'm not going to vote for Bush. For one, I've never fully accepted his

explanation of his involvement in the Iran -Contra affair.

Bush had an affair.

Well, not really, Mel. The Iran -Contra scandal.

Now, wait a minute. That scandal is a loaded word. You're right. You're right.

The Iran -Contra prank.

That is enough election talk.

For the past month, there's been nothing but Dukakis and Bush around here. And,

you know, I think we care more about the election than they do.

Maybe we ought to get away from this media hype for a while, huh? Go

where there's no television, no radio, no telephone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you guys remember those weekend camping trips we used to take up to the

Sandusky campgrounds? Oh, oh, I love those weekends.

Friday, we'd leave after dinner, and we'd drive all through the night. My

favorite part was in the car. We'd play word games, and we'd sing. A hundred

bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beer.

I think

we know where

you're going with this.

Well, what do you say? Let's do it again this weekend.

Um, I can't make it this weekend, Dad. I mean, Kevin was phone when we were

younger, but that's when I was wearing Earth shoes.

I have a history report on ancient Greece I want to get started on.

Well, okay.

It was just a thought.

Well, hey, just the two of us can go. We can still have fun despite these

spoilsports. Oh, come on, Lisa. It won't be any fun with just the two of us.

I mean, it'll be too much fun with just the two of us.

Coming.

Hey, hey, hey, Alex.

Hey, what are you guys up to, huh? Well, I'm

trying to get Lorne to wear this T -shirt.

Oh, I know that guy. I know who that is.

I've seen him on TV.

That's, uh, Orville Redenbacher.

This is George Bush.

You're voting this year, Nick. You're supposed to know this stuff.

How are you going to decide who you're going to vote for this year?

I'm going to have to leave it up to Mel. She's the brains behind this couple.

I weep for this nation.

Hey, what's going on here, huh? Mr. Keaton and Andy and I are going camping

weekend. Just the three of you?

Everybody else is busy. It's no big deal.

So, you guys all ready to go?

Yeah, I think so. Let me just check this list again, see if we've got

everything.

Tent? Check.

Flashlight? Check.

Family? Oh, sorry.

Never mind.

Dad, are you really upset about us not going? Oh, no.

Don't be silly. I was just kidding. No big deal.

Anyway, you guys are all busy. You have your own lives to lead.

What about me? Do I have my own life?

You're too young to have your own life.

All we want to do is make you guys feel guilty.

Absolutely. Let your conscience be your guide, not you, Alex.

Mr. Keaton, could you give me a ride to my apartment?

Oh, sure thing, Lauren. God knows we've got enough room in the car. Just

kidding, kidding.

All right, on we go, campers. On you, hushies.

Okay, just take it. All right, let's get off the canoe, guys. Okay, bye -bye.

See you.

I don't feel guilty.

Yeah, me neither.

They need some bonding time with Andy anyway.

And camping trips are always such a mess.

Hey, Alex, remember that time you got poison ivy and nobody wanted to sit next

to you on the way home?

How could I not remember that?

You don't forget driving 200 miles strapped to a ski rack.

It's always cold at night and the tent's always collapsing.

Yeah, or it rains.

Yeah, you get sick.

That's funny. You know, when I was a kid, I always wanted my parents to take

camping. I mean, they took me to the woods once, but they just left me there

went home.

Anyway,

I always imagined sitting out there at night around the campfire, everybody

being together, cuddling up to stay warm, roasting marshmallows.

Well, it seemed like it could be fun.

Sometimes it was nice.

Yeah, like when Mom would play her guitar.

Yeah, or we'd just sit and look at the stars.

I found $10 in the woods once.

We should have gone.

I know.

It's true.

And, you know, Mom and Dad, they're getting old.

They're deteriorating rapidly.

All they've got left are their memories.

Memories.

Like the corners of their minds.

I think we should go up there and surprise them.

Misty.

Water colored.

That is a great idea, Jen. I'm going to go get the sleeping bags. I'll get the

road maps. Okay.

Of the way we were.

Alex, do you think we could speed it up a little bit? I have to be back for my

graduation in two years.

Jennifer, I am not about to go hot rotting around for your amusement.

We're only going 35. An old woman just passed us.

That's fine. Let that old woman drive as fast as she wants.

She was on foot.

Look, why don't you all just relax, okay? Enjoy the drive.

Freedom and exhilaration of the open road.

Wind flowing through your hair.

There's no wind at this speed.

It's really deserted out here. Where are we?

Um, I don't know.

I don't know. Jen, let me see that map.

All righty.

It's the map of ancient Greece, Jen.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh?

Uh -oh what, uh -oh?

I had the maps right next to my history homework. I must have taken the wrong

one. Great, great. How are we supposed to know where we are?

I'd say we're about 50 miles from downtown Sparta.

Let's do something.

Like what?

Oh, hey, how about 20 questions? You know when somebody thinks of a person

everybody else has 20 questions to guess who it is? Okay, okay, okay, I'll

start. Okay, I've got the one. Okay, ask away.

Okay, is this person living or dead?

Neither.

I see hours of fun -filled entertainment.

It's not really a person. It's more of a thing.

Like a fictional character or something?

Exactly. Is it Mickey Mouse?

Yes!

Are we perfect for each other or what?

It's like we're sending telepathic messages to each other that nobody else

hear.

I'm sure no one's trying to listen in.

What was that?

I'll check it out. You got a flashlight?

Yeah, I have a flashlight.

Oh, great. It doesn't work.

Oh, I've got something that lights up.

My compact.

All right. Oh, no.

Oh,

no. We got big trouble. What is it? It's a generator.

Oh, for crying. Not the generator.

What does the generator do?

Well, without the generator, the battery's dead. You know, we're not

Well, let's look at the bright side.

We have plenty of time for 20 questions.

Okay, okay, okay, I've got one. Oh, it's really cold.

How long have we been out here?

About 45 minutes.

I can't believe we haven't seen a car.

We're not going to.

This road only goes up to Sandusky.

And if you're going camping, you'd be there already.

Though our only hope is to be rescued by some other guilty children.

It's so dark out here. I've never seen it this dark. It's kind of scary.

I miss the mall.

I think we should go for help.

Out here at night? I know it's dangerous, but I think we've got to try.

Yeah, I agree.

Good luck, Jenny.

Hey, hey, hey, I'll go with you, Jenny, all right? All right, that's all right.

That's all right, Nick. That's all right. I'll go. I'll go. After all,

sister. I got to protect her. Oh, here, take my compact case.

Oh, yeah, this will come in handy in case we have to do any emergency eye

lining.

Oh, hey, and stay in sight of the road, huh?

You know, they always say that in those teenage horror movies just before

somebody gets hacked up.

Okay, we'll just head this way, towards the Parthenon.

I hope they'll be all right.

You really care about him, don't you?

No.

I just want my compact back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

I know how you guys are. You make fun of each other and everything, but deep

down, you guys really care about each other.

You know, that's what makes you keep in such a tight family.

I hope I'm in a family like that someday.

Well, you will be next. Someday we'll get married.

That is, if we're not eaten by a coyote or a bear first.

No coyote or bear is going to keep me from marrying you.

It's your father I'm worried about.

Oh, hey, listen, Nick. As long as we're out here, I want to tell you something

my father told me.

But he made me promise never to tell you, so you can't let him know I told

Shoot. Okay.

One day,

Completely out of the blue.

He says to me, Mallory, I guess it's not totally inconceivable that you could

have done worse than Nick.

You think he really meant it?

I do, Nick. I really do.

Oh, God.

All this time, I thought he didn't like me.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah. I'll say, you know how you look up at them stars and you just can't help

thinking.

Nick, sometimes you are so deep.

Oh, look.

Mating season has already begun.

Well, we got a little ways up the road and we saw the sign, next modern

facility, 50 miles.

Great, now what?

Well, I guess we could set up camp here.

Oh, yeah, let's set up camp here. What are we, the Swiss family Robinsons?

This is all right.

Clean air, smell of pine, the moon high above, the thrill of being at one with

nature.

God, what I wouldn't give for a holiday inn.

We should have gone with Mom and Dad. I mean, what would have been the big deal?

No, well, it was kind of selfish. I mean, when you think of all that they've

done for us.

It's all going to come back to us, Jan.

One day we'll be asking our kids to go places with us, and they'll tell us

they're too busy.

It's not going to happen with mine, Mel.

Oh, it happens to every kid and their parents, Alex.

No, no, not mine.

No, my kids are going to be on a straight commission basis.

$2 for a hug, $5 for a kiss, and for an I don't want to go to Aunt Mallory's

house, $50 and a set of American Tourister luggage.

Well, we're not going to be like that with our kids, are we, Nick?

No way. Our kids are going to love us whether we give them luggage or not.

I bet Mom and Dad and Andy are having a great time right now. They're probably

roasting marshmallows.

My dad's probably doing that Indian moon dance he's so fond of.

One where he's kind of a cross between Geronimo and Ginger Rogers.

We're probably starting in on 100 bottles of beer on the wall right now.

By now, we'd probably be under your version.

What's your version, Mal? Oh, it's silly, Nick.

I never stopped you before.

Do it, Mallory. Yeah, yeah.

99 bottles of nail polish on the wall. 99 bottles of nail polish.

If one of those bottles should happen to fall, get on your bike and go back to

the mall. If one of those

bottles should happen to fall, get on your bike and go back to the

mall.

time what are you guys doing here we're on our way up to sandusky yeah we were

gonna surprise you but the car broke down you guys are great so what are you

guys doing here well oh i don't know i guess it just didn't feel right up there

without you it didn't have that good old time family feeling there was no one to

heckle my indian moon dance i heckled so did i yeah It just

wasn't the same. I guess we missed you guys.

Oh, hey, thanks.

We missed you, too.

Oh, good, Nick.

That means a lot.

Hey, hey, hey, Mr.

Keaton, look, I know how you feel about me.

And, I mean, let's put it this way.

It's not totally inconceivable that Mallory could have done worse than me.

You told him.

Just drop everything right here. We can straighten it all up in the morning.

Well, this turned out great. We logged over 500 miles and not a marshmallow was

roasted. I'm sorry. I hope it didn't make you feel like you had to follow us

there. Just some crazy idea we had.

No, no, no, Mom. It was our fault. We should have gone with you. Yeah, we felt

guilty about not going up there in the first place. Well, uh, maybe next time.

have to do this again?

It's usually not this bad, Annie, believe me. Yeah, normally we sit around

fire, we have a nice big dinner, beans out of little tin cups.

Which reminds me, I'm really hungry.

Jen, check it out, I got something here for you.

Ooh, what's that?

Well, it's just like beef jerky, but it's only healthier. It's turkey jerky.

I'll just stick with the marshmallows.

Hey, look, we can't

And I noticed there's a full moon out there tonight.

You

know

what? I'm kind of glad this camping trip didn't work out. Me too.

Look how much fun we're having. You can't plan moments like this.

They've got a sneak up on you. I know what you mean. It's like if you've got a

big party to go to and you buy a very special outfit. Maybe a plaid skirt with

black blouse. No, no, no. A lavender suit with a matching scarf with paisley

with a little bit of... Ma 'am, just kind of move it along.

Oh. Oh, right. And anyway, you get to the party and it's not that great. But

the way home, you see a beautiful moon or a big orange cat comes and rubs

up against your leg. Or a complete stranger leaps out of the darkness and

you a stock tip.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, just for a minute, it's a special moment. You could never have

it. Is this a special moment? You bet it is, pal. Very special.

That reminds me of something that John Lennon once said.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

John who?

Oh, boy, do I feel old.

One of the Beatles, honey.

What are the Beatles?

Oh, no, now I feel old.

There are places I remember all my life.

Some have changed, some forever, not for better.

Some have gone, some remain.

Our places have their moments.

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Living my life, I love them more

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one who compares with you And these

memories lose their meaning When I think of love, it's

something new

I'll never lose affection for people and friends. When before,

I'll know I'll often stop and think about them.

In my life, I love you more.

In my life, I love you more.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.