Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without her?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Stretch. Stretch.

Come on, Jen, you're not stretching.

Mom, I can't stretch anymore. I'm not Gumby.

Look, you're not getting out of this. You are my running partner when your

out of town.

Well, can't I just drive alongside you?

Let's just go.

Hi. Hi, Alex.

Hey, Alex, you have some food or something on your lips.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. It looks like a little smudge. Let me wipe it off for you.

No, Mom. Mom, it's not a smudge.

It's mustache.

Oh, no, it's not. Let me wipe it off. No, Mom.

Mom. Mom.

It's a mustache. Look. Let's see.

Wait a second.

Oh, yeah. I think I do see a couple of hairs.

Where? See it. See, look, there's one right there.

Jennifer, would you get out of my light? Come on.

Mr. Bidney, the principal of the high school, asked me to deliver this year's

homecoming address at the dance next week.

And I just thought as an older, more mature graduate of the school, I should

look the part, that's all.

We didn't mean to make you feel self -conscious.

Actually, I think your mustache looks nice.

It's amazing, isn't it? I think it's my body's way of saying congratulations,

Alex. You're a man.

A hairy man.

Oh, hello there, Alex. Hey, Jim. I've got some great news.

You've got some dirt there on your lips.

It's not dirt.

It's a mustache.

Oh, wow. Where'd you get it?

Never mind. Okay, never mind. What was your... what was your great news?

Oh, after much thought and serious deliberation, I've decided to ask

the homecoming dance.

What about Nick?

Nah, I think I like Mallory better.

Skippy, why do you torture yourself?

Mallory's not going to go to the homecoming dance with you.

She's in love with Nick.

No, no, no, Alex. Mallory isn't really in love with Nick.

She's just using him to make me jealous.

I love you, Nick.

Need I say more?

Hello there, Mallory.

Oh, hi.

Uh... Hello, Nick.

How you doing there, buddy?

Huh? Oh!

It's okay.

My mother can sew this arm right back on.

I gotta go, babe. I'll see you later. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Uh, Mallory, wait a minute.

I'd like to ask you something.

What?

Mallory, will you go to the homecoming dance with me next week?

No, I won't go to the homecoming dance with you next week.

Thanks for getting back to me so fast.

And so, Harding seniors, I stand before you as a former graduate, older and

hairier.

No, no, that's not good.

Older, wiser and hairier.

Mom, do I have to go with you?

Honey, your father is out of town. I need your help. You've got to fill in.

Mom, I don't know how to play bridge.

Neither does your dad.

Okay, okay.

What is so funny?

Nothing, nothing.

It has nothing to do with your mustache.

Really? Okay, okay. I don't know what you're snickering about. This mustache

flourishing. As a matter of fact, I think it needs a trim.

Oh, no. Please, you get hair all over.

Skippy, Skippy, Skippy, listen, I'm glad you're here. I'm working on my speech,

and I think I got a joke here. Let me bounce this off you.

Since I graduated Harding, I have grown older, more mature, and a mustache.

What do you think?

Oh.

Okay, I'm not saying it doesn't need work.

I'm so sorry. I'm not in a laughing mood. Why, what's the matter, Skip?

Well, yesterday's tragedy is weighing heavily on me.

But then I'm sure it's depressing you too, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, it sure is, Skip.

What tragedy are you referring to?

The one where Mallory won't go to the homecoming dance with me. Oh, yeah,

that, that tragedy. Whoa.

Can't seem to get that out of my mind. I don't understand it. I can't understand

it.

what could she see besides what I see in Nick, which is a fine, young, decent,

potentially lethal fella?

Hey, uh, Skippy, Mallory tells me you asked her to the homecoming dance.

No, no, no, no. I asked her for directions to the homecoming dance.

Please, Nick, you gotta believe me.

Well, you know, I wouldn't have minded if she said yes. I mean, then that way I

wouldn't have to take her to this thing.

Come on, Nick, we're gonna have a great time.

Oh, come on, Mallory, this dance involves three things I can't stand.

school, wear a tie, and school.

Hey. Hey.

Alex, this is not fair. I've known her longer. I've loved her longer.

I live close. I'm more convenient.

Women are funny that way, Skip.

I'll ask her what else to the dance.

I mean, when Mallory sees me with another girl, she'll be so jealous,

me to come back to her. That's a foolproof plan.

I don't see any flaws in it.

Do you think I'll be able to get someone else to go to the dance with me?

It's not mathematically impossible.

Skip, there's a whole world of women out there just waiting for a guy like you.

Great.

Find me one.

Me? Come on, Alex. You just said there was a whole world of women out there

waiting for a guy like me.

Not our world.

I need your help here.

All right, Skip, okay, I'll help you with this one, but don't expect any

miracles, all right? I don't, I don't. All I ask is that she be female and a

human.

I've got a tie in my hands here.

Hey, Skip. Hey, Alex.

Hey, what are you all dressed up for?

I've got a big date.

Well, meet her here.

Wow, you look great. She must be pretty special.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

She's special, Mrs. Keaton.

What's her name?

I don't know.

Sylvia. Sylvia.

It's kind of a blind date I arranged for Skippy.

Yeah, we'll probably get married.

Well, when it's right, you know it.

Oh, boy, Alex, I'm real excited about this.

I mean, Mary's going to see me with another girl, and she'll be mine.

Now, she's real pretty, huh?

She's, um... Well, she's sort of...

What? Here.

Hello, Sylvia. Hello, Alex.

Sylvia, this is Skippy Handelman. Skippy Handelman, Sylvia Bogner.

Hello, Miss Bogner. That's Mrs. Bogner. I'm divorced.

Oh, well, all right. Hello, Mrs.

Sylvia Bogner.

I'm a doctor.

Okay.

Doctor.

Doctor, Mrs.

Sylvia Wagner.

Shall we sit down?

Testing one, two. Testing one, two. Handelman case number one.

Sylvia's a psychiatrist.

Yes, I come from a long line of psychiatrists.

Oh, that's coincidence because I come from a long line of patients.

It's great that you two have so much in common. Yes, it's really nice of you to

help me out on my project, Skippy.

Oh, no problem.

What project is that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I assumed Alex had told you I'm writing for the National Psychiatric Journal.

A study of adolescent social life.

Alex told me you volunteered to let me use you as a case study.

Alex, can I talk to you privately for a minute, please?

Would you mind excusing us for a moment, Mrs.

Doctor?

Doctor, Mrs.

Sylvia. While you two are talking, do you mind if I use the phone? No, no, no.

Help yourself. It's right over there. Thank you.

I'd like to phone my babysitter and make sure she puts my children to bed by 11.

They get to stay up until 11?

What is going on? Look, I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to give you all the

information. All the information?

Alex, you've got me going to the homecoming dance with a divorced mother

studying me for a psychology experiment.

I mean, it's not exactly a dream date.

Skip, you're not the easiest kind of woman to get a date for, okay?

The only other person that I could find was in the biology department. She

wanted to dissect you after the date.

Thank you, Alex. Shall we go, Skippy?

Um, yeah. Yeah, sure, Mrs. Bartner.

I'd like to meet somebody.

This is Mrs. Wagner, and she's with me.

Hi, um, I think we met before. You're, uh, you're Skippy's aunt.

She's my date.

Oh, well, nice to meet you.

Listen, I gotta make my... speech at the dance night and I can't find my notes.

Have you seen them?

Maybe they're hidden in your mustache.

It's filling in nicely, honey.

Maybe I should just give up on this.

Oh, Alex, you just need to give it more time.

Yeah, how long have you been growing it now?

Eight months.

Hi,

Nick. Hey, can I come in? I don't want anybody I know to see me wearing this

tie. Hurry, get inside.

Hey, Alex.

Hey. Got some kind of insect on your upper lip there. Here, let me kill it.

No, Nick. It's not an insect.

It's a mustache.

Oh. Hey, can I kill it anyway?

I'll let Mallory know you're here.

Nick. Hey.

Where are the Keedons?

Yeah, they'll be back.

What have you done to them?

They're all upstairs.

I see.

Listen, I want to talk to you about Mallory.

I never touched her, Nick, I swear.

We're just neighbors.

We're not even close neighbors. Look, you can't even see my house from here.

Take it easy, Skippy. Relax.

Okay.

I'm very relaxed now.

I swear.

You and her are good friends, huh?

Well, I am.

She hates me.

No, no, no,

no, no, no. I wouldn't say that's true.

Listen, you and her have had some good times together, haven't you?

A few.

I used to like it when she would babysit for me when I was little. It was great.

She'd let me watch TV, read me stories.

She'd let me stay up late. Hey, I thought you two were the same age.

We are.

So, look, you know, I get the idea you kind of like Mallory. All right, look,

Nick, maybe I used to like Mallory a little bit, but now I'm very much in

with Mrs. Bodner.

Yeah. Well, you know, just the same, I hope the fact that Mallory and I go out

together hasn't caused you any bad feelings or nothing.

Not a bit.

That's good, you know, because I like you. You're a good guy.

Oh, Mallory, you look just okay at this moment.

Thanks. Well, Nick, what do you think?

I think you are going to be the best -looking girl in the place tonight.

Let's get a picture. Oh, no, no. I've got to take this tie off. No, don't.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Ah, hello, son.

Good evening, Alex.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Wagner.

You're looking ravishing this evening.

Thank you, Skippy.

Shall we go?

I have a car waiting.

My dad's going to drive us.

Can I have your attention, please?

Well, welcome to Homecoming.

And to begin the festivities...

I take great pleasure in introducing the salutatorian of the class of 1984, our

homecoming speaker, Alex P. Keaton.

Thank you, Mr.

Bidney. You know, as I made my way here this evening, I was reflecting on how

much has changed in our world since I left Harding.

Mostly my face.

Are you having a good time, Skippy?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I really am.

No, I'm not. I'm miserable.

Wide mood swings.

Look over there. Look at Mallory and Nick.

He's got his arm around her. She's whispering in his ear.

They're having a great time.

Yeah, isn't that nice?

Mrs. Botner, I'm in love with Mallory.

I've been in love with her ever since I was six months old.

Sure, some of you may ask. Ask, why a mustache?

Why not a beard?

A goatee?

Or perhaps some outrageous eye -catching sideburns?

Mrs. Bodger, please, you've got to help me. You study adolescent social

behavior. Well, what would an adolescent do in this situation?

Skippy, you are an adolescent.

I know, but I'm still in the middle of adolescence. You know how it turns out.

The value, Skippy, is don't deny the feelings you have.

Don't be afraid to act on them.

Act on my feelings?

That makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

Oh, it's been my pleasure, Skippy. You've been a fascinating subject.

So much nicer than those white mice I usually work with.

Thank you.

Sure, facial hair may not be the answer.

To all the world. world's problems but we must start somewhere.

Thank you.

I'm cutting in.

I said I'm cutting in, Nick.

Nick, now.

Skippy, what are you doing?

Nick, Mallory is my girl, and I'm willing to fight for her.

Because I've known her longer than you, and if it wasn't for you, she'd be with

me here at this dance. Now, these are my feelings, and I'm acting on them.

The psychiatric community is going to back me up on this.

Skippy, I don't want to fight. Yeah, but I do. I do.

Hey, hey, Nick. What's going on? I don't know. I think he really wants to dance.

Look, Skippy.

I got him, Nick. Whoa.

Skippy. Skippy, here.

What's happening here? Break this up. Break this.

Break it up. Break it up.

Handleman, for a man with four overdue library books, you're treading on very

thin ice.

Caden, not you.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what got into me.

Must be the mustache.

Your dad always lets me wimp.

All right, okay, that's the last time I go anywhere near you, you, or Skippy.

What happened?

One minute I'm talking to Mr.

Bitney, and the next minute I'm refereeing a fight between Skippy and

What was the fight about?

It was over Mallory.

Can you believe that?

Are you and Skippy okay?

Yeah, we're all right. Luckily, we fell on top of Alex or somebody could have

gotten hurt.

Well, I'm glad it could be of service.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go upstairs and shave this mustache off.

Huh? See, I told you it was a mustache.

Can we at least take a photo of it before I shave it off?

Oh, good idea. I'll go get the Zoom lens.

What could Skip even thinking?

I never thought he'd do something like that.

Hey, don't be so hard on the guy, Mal. I mean, he almost got himself killed

tonight because he cares about you.

You know, he's nice in an annoying way.

Ah, so you do like him.

You know, you should tell him that.

Maybe.

It's kind of comforting to have him around, you know.

He's like an old sock.

Ah, you see, you know, I think he'd like to hear that.

Oh.

Hi, Nick.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry about tonight. I hope I didn't hurt you too badly. Hey, hey,

hey, no hard feelings.

Look, I'm going to go in the other room so you two can talk alone.

Okay.

That's very nice of you, Nick. Thank you.

Sure.

Did you have a good time at the dance?

Great.

Um, where's Mrs. Bogner?

Well, she was getting a little hung up on me, so I had to cut her loose.

I'm sorry.

No, Mallory, I'm the one who's sorry.

You've been rejecting me for 18 years, and I just keep on making a fool of

myself, hoping something's going to change.

Has it been that long?

Yeah, and it's time I grew up.

When did this happen tonight?

It made me realize that I've been living in a dream world.

Do you know that I used to sit around just thinking about what it would be

if we got married?

Married?

Yeah. Yeah, I had the whole thing planned out.

A big ceremony at night, under a big tent.

Like a circus.

Exactly. But instead of walking down the aisle, I get shot out of a cannon

toward the altar.

And then, uh...

We'd go on our honeymoon.

We'd go to Paris, where we'd spend our evenings dining alone on the banks of

Nile.

Can't be.

The Nile's in London.

Whatever.

And then we'd come back and buy a house with all the money I'd make for my job

as a seatbelt tester.

stop to think that maybe i'm not the one for you i mean i'm really not as

wonderful as you think i am in fact i think i've been pretty mean to you over

the years hey remember that time we were two years old i tried to glue

you to your playhouse door do i remember mallory that was the greatest thing

that ever happened to me don't you understand when you pay attention to me

shows me that you care

Skippy, I do care, but come on, we're 18 years old.

If you and I are going to continue to be friends, I think we have to start

dealing with each other like adults.

You're absolutely right.

I know.

Look, Skippy, let's make an agreement, okay?

I promise to stop being mean to you if you promise to stop treating me in a

silly, childish, romantic way, okay? From now on, we'll just have normal

conversations.

Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot.

Okay, let's try it right now.

Hello, Skippy. How are you?

I'm very fine.

Thank you for asking, Mallory.

Um, how are your parents?

They're very well.

And will you marry me?

Skippy, I need more practice.

I'm not very good at being normal.

Uh, you... You gotta give me more time.

I will. If you promise you'll keep drawing.

I will.

I promise.

But occasionally, just for old time's sake, wouldn't it be all right if I came

by and bugged you and you glued me to something?

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.