Original subtitles

Hey, babe.

Sorry, it's been really crazy here, but I'll try and give you a call later. I'm

sorry we keep missing each other.

I need your foot. Boy, it's on the gas at 644. This bus leaves at 645.

Do you understand?

Some signal that you understand.

Surely we would let someone on if it's 6 .46. When my hand goes up, your mouth

goes shut.

Oh, look. It worked.

Get on the bus.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go for Brynn.

Hi, Debbie.

Ladies and gentlemen, another gorgeous day in Iowa.

Oh, glad to see you got your toothpicks, Quinn.

Thanks, Chip. You're welcome.

Okay.

Oh, hello. I'm Chip.

Okay.

So what do we think her deal is?

She looks like an Urban Outfitters employee who'd give you a hard time

a sweater.

I heard she's an assassin.

Come on, she's not an assassin.

You guys didn't Google her?

She's a reporter from Misconduct.

She has 200 ,000 Twitter followers, but she's only following four people. Which

four people?

Beyonce, the Dalai Lama, R .L. Stine, and Quinn's principal.

Mr. World?

Naturally. Oh, it gets better. Her Twitter is public, but her Insta is

What is she hiding?

And the most amazing, fascinating thing about her, she's going to sleep with a

guy named Noah very soon.

Ugh, you're so gross.

Kill a man for some coffee. Me too.

My head is pounding.

You guys need coffee?

Yeah, I'll take some.

Trench pressed.

It's sustainably sourced from Rwanda.

Oh, um, thank you.

I better take this, sorry.

Yeah, go.

Dude! It's French Prestige. Come on, that is some classic assassin shit.

You're welcome.

I really wanted that.

Oh, so I'm doing an interview for Politibon later about the Holtman tweet.

Yes, queen.

That's how you say it, right?

Yeah.

Well, Colin Sykes, he thinks by dating me he gets trickle -down feminist street

cred.

What about Katie? Did she see your live show?

I'm not sure. Actually, we're playing phone tag.

Quinn! Can I stay with you for a sec?

Sure! Be right there.

Maybe she wants to thank you for getting the campaign more airtime?

Let's hope so.

Yeah, let's hope.

What the fuck were you thinking, you 24 -year -old dipshit? How dumb are you

putting the gov's daughter on camera and drawing attention to her stupid fucking

blog? You don't work for the fucking campaign, fuckstick.

Claire was going to publish a story about her having a threesome with...

people that just slipped her ass.

Wow.

The entitlement of you, kid.

Oh, I'm sorry. Something more important? First of all... If there was an issue

with Psycho Daughter and you did feel like being a hero, you should have come

me directly.

As it turns out, I am now paying a very expensive fixer to take down Claire's

attempt at a topless poolside DJ set in Vegas.

I'm sorry.

Let's be very clear. Your job is to take your little camera, point it at the

gov, press record, and send it to your boss in D .C.

That's it. A fucking toddler could do it. I get it. I get it. I'm sorry.

Honestly, I was just trying to help. There's three months until the caucuses,

and you seem to think that you can do it on your own. Well, you know what? Good

luck. Go rogue. See how that works out for you. I swear I got him.

The fuck?

Oh,

real complex camera there, fancy pants.

This is the only gear I need. The only features it's got is record and eject.

It must be easier on your back.

I heard about that little tweeter stunt you pulled yesterday.

You know, I remember when reporters used to report the news, not make it.

I was just standing up for myself.

You're not obligated to respond to every personal injustice.

You need a thick skin to survive in this business.

Special snowflakes generation.

I thought it was pretty badass.

Thanks.

There shouldn't be 50 chairs when there's eight people.

Politics is worse than empty chairs.

Nothing. And I say that having worked on Chris Christie's campaign.

Could be worse. Rick Santorum wants to do one person in Hamlin. I have so many

questions for whoever that dude was. We're going to move themselves?

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Hey, how did it go?

Oh, fine. Just got condescended to you about what my job is.

Awesome. Me too.

Yay.

Joseph Stalin could be doctor right now.

These nuts is beating him by like 20 in that online poll. Stone 35%. Perez 30.

Wrote 25.

Dobson 4.

What do you do if he drops out?

Get a job in local TV, L .A., Miami.

You? I'm a tumbleweed.

Freedom is something that dies unless you... Hunter F. Thompson.

Don't look tired! Don't look tired! Let's move!

Oh boy, do I love the smell of corn in the morning.

Good morning.

I'm Governor John Dobson, and it's a thrill...

to be here with you in the great state of Iowa.

You know, when I was a boy, my father taught me a lesson that really stuck

me over the years, and that's that corn farmers are the backbone of America.

The soil here is so fertile,

It looks good enough to eat.

Don't eat it.

He's going to do the thing where he says Rhode Island has the world's biggest

bug. No. I bet it's how spaghetti became his favorite meal.

20 bucks?

That this crowd loves spaghetti.

Am I right?

I don't feel bad about taking your money.

These aren't empty words like you get from Jack Stone.

All right.

Now, if you'll all join me in a chant of corn.

Corn. Corn. That's it. Corn.

Corn. That's it. Corn.

Hey.

Sorry, things have been crazy over here. What's up?

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Last night, the guy who's the inspiration for Hitch, he was giving a

campus and... That old Will Smith movie?

Yes, and he made a lot of cogent points on why long -distance relationships

don't work.

I want to break up.

I've only... I can come out. We can work through this. I can literally get on a

flight right now and get out to... Just stop already. You're such a cliche.

Okay, he said you would do this. You can't just fix this like a broken lamp.

Part of me will always love you.

Bye.

What the hell?

Oh, Hitch.

Sorry, little guy.

Happens to all of us.

And then she just hung up.

Didn't get a chance to respond.

Well, at least she broke up with you face -to -face.

It wasn't face -to -face.

Face -time to face -time. Same deal. Shouldn't you be on my side?

Don't worry.

We'll totally help you transition to modern -day dating.

If there's Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn, and while you're out here, you have to

try Farmers Only.

Sounds like that's for Farmers Only.

Don't have to choose for it.

Yeah, just think of all the people that grew up milking cows.

I really know how to.

It's the last thing on my mind right now. I just feel really sad.

That's why you have to put your phone away.

Look, you're going to be tempted, but you cannot contact Katie.

Focus on the now. Focus on Katie.

Hey, can we keep this just between us?

I don't want everyone to start feeling sorry for me.

Yeah, no problem. We got you.

Scotty, right?

Any of the Gov's new body guy?

Great. Scotty the body. All right, listen up.

The three rules of politics are, number one, No funny hat. Number two, no

scaring children. And number three, under no circumstances should this man

eat a corn dog.

Okay, great.

I'm a friendly guy, but I'll eat your bones!

No corn dog comes within a ten mile radius of this pumpkin patch! Are we

clear?

I wouldn't pack up yet, but there's going to be a gaggle.

He hasn't done a gaggle in three weeks. Yeah, I just got some intel from a

friend in Syria. He's going to want to comment on it.

I haven't read anything about Syria.

Suit yourself.

Hey, Quinn.

Have you read anything about Syria?

What?

No, what's going on?

That's what I thought.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about your breakup. That sucked.

Did no one TJ tell you? Look.

I know how tough it can be on the road with no time to process the

Gaggle in five!

Damn it!

I just received word that the Secretary

of State has canceled his upcoming peace talks with the President of Syria.

Now, I gotta say, if you're asked to the dance, you better show up.

and not let down your dance partner.

Governor Johnson!

If you were in the Oval, how would you have handled the situation differently?

I wouldn't have gotten us into this mess to begin with. Thank you, sir.

No more questions!

Maybe later. Check your emails in a couple hours. Let's go. Come on. No more

questions.

Sorry to hear about your breakup.

Wait, who told you?

You know, the best way to get over being dumped is to make the other person

jealous.

You're right.

Here, take a selfie.

What was that?

Hello? Didn't I tell you not to talk to her? Dude, that was my editor.

Oh.

My bad.

Last call for the bus. Let's go.

Damn it.

My mom doesn't get how that Haltman tweet was a big deal. Well, Twitter can

change your life. Look at Amber Rose.

Mm -hmm.

Yes.

Sorry. Conference call.

Well, she said it was embarrassing and that it's not too late for me to go to

law school.

It could be worse. My parents say it's not too late to be straight.

They didn't take bye at this point.

What about you, Noah?

I was raised by my nanny mostly, but she's super supportive.

She retweets me all the time.

Oh, it's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Please.

Colin is more than that to us. He's the t -shirt god of North America.

Here's one t -shirt for you, one t -shirt for Africa. It's the for -profit

charity of our generation.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear you on that one.

Okay, guys.

Colin's fake laugh.

Hey, you.

Didn't see you there.

What are you drinking? Oh, let me guess. I'm great at this. Okay.

Go for it.

Vodka soda.

No. Of course. You're an IPA woman.

What about a gin and cider? I'm a hot water with lemon when I'm working.

Could I have a hot water with lemon?

Funny thing, though, I'm actually good at guessing.

Total trust fund kid.

You are really into fear and loathing in Las Vegas.

Grew up in New York.

Don't have a driver's license.

And you have a tiny, precious little pencil sharpener that you use to sharpen

your tiny, precious little pencils.

You know, so you can write the next great American novel.

Oh, dude, she nailed you.

That pencil sharpener was a souvenir from Japan.

Yeah, I thought so.

Wow, do me.

Yeah, I can't figure you out yet. Because you haven't figured yourself out

That's okay.

You're young.

All right, guys. I've got to prep my questions for the off -the -record

Good luck tonight.

Wait, we were supposed to have questions for tonight? I thought it was a casual

thing.

Damn it, guys. We've got to be at the top of our game.

I have an idea for a game. We drink every time Dobson touches his hair. Oh,

God, yes. That is brilliant.

Whoa, you guys look fancy.

For that off -the -record dinner, baby.

The one with Dobson?

That Brynn emailed us about?

What? Brynn must not have invited you.

Do it when you press pass.

I can't believe Bren would punish you like this.

This day has been seriously the worst.

I feel bad. I could not go, too.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, you know, you need a friend.

Your call.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Of course.

But hang in there, buddy.

Oh, could you get out of my room?

Because I have to go.

Oh. Topping up.

Oh. She's top up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember, nothing leaves this room. Not what he said. Not what he ate. Not what

color his shirt is.

And if you disobey me, I will personally make it my life's work to kill you when

you least expect it.

I'll wait until you're alone, vulnerable, at a low point.

And then I will pounce. Okay, we get it.

No, no, no, no.

You don't get it.

See, because...

You'll wake up in a cold, white room, and I will be standing over you with a

series of sharp instruments that I will use very creatively all over your body

in ways that you can't even imagine right now, in ways that will make you

out for your mother.

Do you get it now?

Hi, Deb. How are you?

Excellent. No, it's all going so well.

How can I help you? Hey, my key's not working. I'm locked out of my room. Oh,

well, I can certainly help you with that. What's your room number?

306. 306.

Oh, damn it!

Would you mind coming back tomorrow?

Someone can definitely help you then.

Yeah, I kind of need to sleep in my room. All my stuff is there.

Jerry, I have a guest whose key won't work.

That's what I told him.

It's broken.

This spaghetti is out of this world.

Night's here in the autumn, huh?

Governor Dobson.

Please. While we're here, call me John.

John, you know, I've spent some time in Rhode Island myself.

Really? Yes, of course. The ocean state. I was there doing an article on

Cumberlandite. You know, it's a rock found... Found only in Rhode Island.

Oh my gosh, we're both geology nerds.

I love the movie Outside Providence.

Have you seen it?

Good.

You know, Marissa, if you're ever in Providence, you have to stop at Olga's

and Saucer for lunch. You're kidding me. I love that place.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. The clam chatter. Alone in a hotel.

Alone in a hotel.

I think this place is haunted.

This woman's coming up to me and I should probably leave.

Now that we're off the record, do you respect Jack Stone?

We're strictly off the record, right?

In that case, no.

His views on immigration are completely backwards.

And on women's rights, he's from the 19th century. He's like a cartoon

I got into politics to serve and make a difference.

Stone got in to massage his already overinflated ego.

I love the spaghetti.

Dearest Katie, I hate to ask you to have to reconsider, but I really think that

we can just work through a...

Front desk, how may I help you?

Hi, I'm wondering if you have a dinner recommendation of somewhere nearby?

It's 8 .45, everything is closed.

So, how's your night going?

Terrific.

Hello?

Should we ask him something?

Oh, no.

Coward.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna ask him a thing.

Dude, you're so brave.

Hello, Dobson.

John.

John W.

Dobson.

What would you ask you?

Us. You.

What advice would you give us back to you, Doctor?

You guys are in your 20s.

Wow.

I can't believe how young all of you are.

I wish someone had told me then not to put your career ahead of your friends

family.

There are more important things than your job.

Hi.

Oh, my God, you are the best.

So, real talk.

How are you holding up?

Katie was the only real relationship I ever had.

I feel like garbage.

Well, I'm here for you.

Katie said long -distance relationships are doomed to fail.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I know you and Colin are long -distance. Oh, no,

it's all good.

Hey,

you know, I was thinking that Brynn can't get away with what she did to you.

We've got to take revenge.

3 a .m. wake -up call?

Yeah, go ahead.

Hi,

this is Bryn Bittner.

Yeah, I'm calling from room 237 because I need a wake -up call at 3 a .m.

Yeah, and I need one every 10 minutes after that.

Yeah, oh, oh, please, I'm going to need someone to knock on my door.

And don't fuck around, or I'll use sharp instruments all over your body. Thanks,

bye.

Oh, my, she's going to fucking slip out.

That was a terrible impression.

Did I sound uptight enough? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Too good, too good.

Whoa, who's blowing you up?

Sid. Just the photo we took earlier.

Weird, I never even gave her my number.

Good morning, fellas.

How's my hair?