Original subtitles

Does he own a gun?

Three, actually.

Oh, but don't worry. We filed divorce papers last week.

The more important question is how old is she?

Good morning, cuties.

Last night was, like, totally amazing, but I'm late for class.

Will you drive me?

What?

I'm kidding, Noah. Last night was my 19th, remember?

Oh. Wait.

Happy birthday.

You totally don't remember who I am, do you?

Of course I do. You're... Carrie? Her name's Kristen.

It's Claire.

I can't believe I'm dancing with the governor's daughter.

Oh, my God.

You're...

Have to run, but I am sure I will be in Des Moines a lot in the next few weeks,

so we should totally get a drink sometime.

And then, what's that?

News organizations assign reporters to be embedded with presidential

I'm on the Dodson campaign.

You sure are!

You two know each other or something?

No. Do you have any breakfast plans or do you want to fuck your dad?

You can't sleep on the skywalk.

Oh, water.

I could arrest you for trespassing.

Yeah, that would be racial profiling, bro. Time.

Time.

Ten minutes to seven.

Shit.

How did I... I'm tough here.

After we got back from the bar, you said you wanted to hear the Bon Iver track I

was telling you about. I guess we both passed out.

Yeah, I like the song.

You like the song?

That song is like the most revolutionary song I've ever heard in my life.

Honestly, my life is... Relax.

Oh, great.

Call time at the bus is in ten, and you got your first live shot tonight.

God, I hate TV.

Quinn, you're never going to get your big -time newspaper gig if you don't

it as an embed first.

No pressure.

Are you hating on the now -news gig because of the dude makeup?

Because I promise you a little foundation's not going to rob you of

masculinity.

Oh, my God.

Your mom definitely bought this.

Man, I can't screw this up.

Just borrow one of TJ's ties.

He knows what pops on TV.

I'll see you on the bus.

You'll be great.

Oh, shit.

Marissa, last night's close?

Don't even. Nothing happened.

Look, how are you not mounting that boy by now? You know what?

Take those torture skills, put them to better use, get a job with the North

Korean secret police. We are both in relationships, remember?

Or is your memory function gone after last night? Oh, you know what? Next time

we get that boozy, do me a favor, grab a sharpie and write, do not feed tequila

on my forehead. You were legendary. You introduced yourself as T .J. Green, gay

influence. Oh, I thought it was importantly new.

Look, don't change the subject. You are going to miss that boy when Dobson drops

out and you're back in D .C. logging tape and booking guests.

Stop. The thought of being a tape monkey makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh, please don't use the words sick and stomach in the same sentence.

Oh, TJ, Quinn needs a tie for his live shot. Something fashionable but

understated. Now you sometimes go over the top.

Damn, Marissa, can I live?

This is the year of the ass guy.

I bet you say that every year.

That's when I said hey.

Oh, you look how I feel. Like ass.

I screwed up last night, man.

Oh, what else is there?

What's up, dude?

Guys, let me tell you something.

Hey, did you guys go out last night?

No. Nope. Had to turn in early.

Oh, yeah, me too. Had to file.

Hey, radical guy.

Saw your little post last night about the Cedar Rapids Teachers Forum.

And you loved it?

If you ever again post some lame -ass quote about the Gov from Senator Perez's

zoo animal of a press secretary without getting a response from me, I'll have

you fucking assassinated. And believe me, I know people.

Does that modify your candidate as the personal touch of a porcupine? You and

all your little friends here are only hurting yourselves with negative

If the Gov loses, you all lose too, geniuses.

I actually think he still has a shot.

But maybe we want to make it out here based on the quality of our journalism,

not our ability to kick the campaign's ass.

Okay, Tom Brokaw. I remember you said that in four years when you were

live shots in Fairfax County instead of covering the re -elect for the New York

fucking Times. I'm sorry, Brynn. Could you repeat the part where you put a hit

out on my buddy here?

I want to do some clear audio.

We're off the record dipshit.

But... Inseparable folks are in first.

So what is it?

You get busted trying to steal the hotel waffle maker again?

After you guys left the bar, I ended up back in my room with two girls.

Well, one of them was more of an older woman.

Dude, your first threesome!

The other one was Dobson's daughter.

Dude, your last threesome! I said get on the goddamn bus!

You know what? Not to sound like your guidance counselor, but what the fuck

you thinking?

Guidance counselors don't talk like that. Where did you go to school?

You risked this opportunity by doing something reckless. You gotta stop

with your dick all the time. I am googling the age of consent in Iowa.

Just keep your mouth shut about it. So who was the other chick?

That bartender that looks like Stacy's mom.

Can we get back to work, people?

Oh, God.

Hey, guy.

Thought I'd ride with you today. The SUV reeks of Old Spice and mansplaining.

Claire, I'm impressed you made it with the way you were going last night. You

guys went out last night?

I'm a rallier.

Yeah, I had a pretty wild night myself.

Noah and I had a threesome.

Cool. It's going to make such a good story for my campaign blog.

Nice to meet you.

I love it here.

Caucuses are coming up.

Don't forget to get out and vote.

Claire, please tell us you're joking.

Relax. I'm not going to say every detail.

Are you insane?

You're writing your dad's campaign obituary. Ours too.

I'm just going to post a couple photos from the bar and then say that Noah and

had a good time last night. A really good time.

Pictures? I have a great one of you grinding with dad's Christian outreach

director. Blogging about last night would ruin your dad's family man image.

the only thing keeping him alive.

Voters would like a political daughter who's not some focus -grouped goody

-goody. My dad would be a great president.

But we all know that voters think he's kind of a stiff.

Why? Just because he ironed his jeans?

It's a win -win. I'll get on TV. You guys want something interesting to write

for one? That's what Charles Manson said.

Relax. I am going to make all of us famous.

Let's do it.

Hi, you guys.

This thing on.

How is everyone doing?

I'm Chip. They call me the Press Wrangler.

I hope you all were able to get an Iowa breakfast burger from a little OTR stop

back there.

I snuck off to have a... You distract Sinage Blonde and still film.

Why, so she can talk about that too?

Hey, nervous about popping your live shot cherry, buddy?

Yes.

You sure you two aren't dating?

Mind if I join the party?

Dan, hi. Quinn Harris. I used to be the PA of your morning show.

Right, right.

I don't think we've met.

Hi, Dan.

Marissa with Spectrum. What brings you out with us?

Stopped at Death Watch.

Actually, their internal numbers show them a few points higher than PPP.

What are you hearing, Marissa?

Oh, um, you know, like Quinn said, their internal numbers are showing them a few

points higher than PPP.

But, um, we'll see what happens tonight.

Smart. Have you thought about going the on -air route?

Oh, I'm more of a behind -the -scenes type, but I'm always open to explore

opportunities. And you should.

We've got an opening right now for a junior reporter.

Would be great for you when Dobson ends this whole charade.

We'll see, I guess.

All right.

Claire, right?

Dan Haldeman.

I'm not going to fuck you.

I am so excited to be here.

I hear you have the...

Best breakfast pizza of any gas station in Iowa.

God, she's not changing her mind. We need a plan B.

She's pregnant?

What if I'd have his baby?

Okay, listen, Miley Virus, I'm telling Brynn. Now, you don't have to be scared

of me, but you should definitely fear the mother of dragons.

Brynn is very aware I know all about her cute little pill -popping habit, which

is one tale from the trail I've managed to keep off the blog. I can't wait to

represent you as your next president.

Come on, come on.

Got it.

I'll alert the Pulitzer Committee.

Thank you.

How

many

people read your blog?

Well, the blog has like 20 ,000 or so active followers, but I have a much

following on Twitter. I'm at like 30 ,000 there, so I'm hoping to close the

All right, listen up, campers. We're making an OTR stop at a soda shop in

Lamars, which is, I don't know, another town in Iowa filled with truckers and

meth labs. No questions. This is a photo op only.

Don't fuck around.

You know what happened when Gary Hart's flack made a no -questions decree after

the 83 Arms Control Forum?

Full -on press mutiny, that's what.

Gary who?

Gary Hart, dumbass.

No one born after the fall of the Berlin Wall should be on this bus.

Tell us more, McGrady. Who's it like covering the first Olympics?

Just read my byline.

Cork it, McGrady, you old fartbag.

How's the prostate holding up, huh?

Kind of has a point, though. I mean, whoever thought it was a good idea to

a bunch of 24 -year -olds cover a presidential campaign should be fired on

spot. Speak for yourself. I'm 23, old man.

I'll help you prep for your live hit. Who cares about the live hit? Claire's

about to send us all packing anyway.

Pull yourself together.

Yeah, easy for you to say, miss. We have an opening for a junior reporter.

Hey, it can't hurt to have a backup plan. I mean, we'll all need one after

today. Working with Haltman? He's maybe the sketchiest TV reporter in the long

-storied history of sketchball TV reporters.

Oh, so it couldn't possibly be because I'm good at my job, right?

Oh, no, it's true. He's a total dog.

Oh, look.

Doggy did his first trick. Haltman just followed her on Twitter. Of course he

did. Oh, where you staying tonight? God, is it that hard to spell out Y -O -U?

You must want to get your thoughts on turnout models.

Are you writing back to him? I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. You ask me

everything every day. I'm sure this looks just... Oh.

What?

Nothing. I just remembered I've got a check -in with my desk.

Oh, my God. Is that Dobson?

That shit looks so sexy on your tightrope. Get down!

Oh,

my God. I'm so sorry.

Dude.

Oh, yeah.

You looked like Seth MacFarlane before he had money.

Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

This is my first live thing, and let's find my tooth. Let's find my tooth.

we could just glue it back on, right? My parents are going to be watching this.

Can I... Can you put the thing away?

A chocolate sundae.

Ha, ha, ha.

Just like Mother Dobson used to make on Tuesday nights.

Quite a bunch of...

It was a misunderstanding.

Oh, that's cute.

You guys remind me of my parents.

I found a dentist just down the road who can see Quinn now. It's not happening.

We have to be in Sioux City by 6. You can't go in the air like that. Think of

like a war wound, Quinn. Only instead of taking shrapnel in Syria, you chipped

your tooth reading Twitter.

Boss!

Okay, embed.

We're moving.

Regulators, mount up.

Feeling better?

Hold it.

Is this bus yellow?

No, sir. That's right.

This ain't no school bus.

So if you puke, I will take your expensive tripod. I'll beat you like you

something.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

And put on a shirt!

Thank you.

Maybe you're lactose intolerant.

Maritha, I'm from the Midwest. We put half and half in our milk.

All right, assholes, listen up.

Because of the huge crowd tonight, we've had to relocate the press file to...

another location.

You're gonna love it.

There's a pubic hair on my computer.

You know we're all going to tweet pictures of this, right? May I recommend

inkwell filter?

They really give it that classic feel.

Have fun.

Oh, there's another one.

TJ said you'd need this.

Apparently he has an entire Barney's pop -up store in his roller bag.

Well, at least I got the bang before Claire sinks the whole ship.

She's strangely logical in her own insane kind of way.

I mean, she wants to be on TV.

Badly.

Have a thumbs, kid.

Atwater gave me these in 88.

Those exact ones?

Just let it dissolve on your tongue, all right? Be ready for your next gin fizz

in no time.

I can hear you in your test. This is Quinn Harris in Sioux City.

Remember to breathe.

Is the bar really that low?

Dude, you're going to kill it. Just relax.

Try to talk with your mouth closed.

First live shot, Quinn?

Yep.

Don't screw it up.

I won't, I promise.

I'm kidding. You're going to be great.

Thank you, Sabrina. I really appreciate the opportunity. And we're back.

Outside tonight's forum, Quinn, I hear you had a bit of a dental emergency on

the ground today.

Whoever said political reporting wasn't a hazardous trade, Sabrina?

Indeed. So what can we expect tonight from Governor Dobson? We can expect a

aggressive posture from him on immigration and ethanol subsidies, two

where he has some pretty big differences with his opponents.

Is there any panic inside the Dobson campaign? The latest polls have him way

back in fourth place.

That's true, but the campaign tells me they have internal numbers showing them

bit higher than that.

In fact, Sabrina, a key member of the Dobson team is here right now and can

speak directly to your questions. What are you doing?

This is Claire Dobson, the governor's daughter. Claire, is there still time

your father to catch up here?

That's not even a question. It's still three months from the caucuses, and my

dad has been as strong in every race he's run.

Once you all get to know my father, you'll love him.

There you have it, Sabrina.

And if you're not already, make sure to follow Claire's on -the -road blog.

Oh, and be sure to add me on Snapchat. It is ClaireBear694208. Thank you very

much for that, Quinn.

And thank you, Claire Dobson in Sioux City. Great stuff from both of you.

What was that?

Oh, my God. That was sick.

You're going to be a star. Me, on the other hand, I'm not so sure.

God, I just got 100 new Twitter followers in the last minute.

Lindsay Lohan DM'd me a fork.

Hello? Wow, and you didn't even have to blog about what your vagina's been up

to. That threesome thing was going to be so lame.

Foursomes are way in. Every TV booker in New York is going to have your own

sweet dog, Claire.

That was my senior producer.

Oh, no, what?

They fucking loved it. They were the only guys.

Woo -hoo!

Oh, my God.

How did we pull that off?

You killed it.

Can I get one more for my friend sitting by himself over there? Tell him I'm

here, but I'm free.

Tomorrow night's on me.

Quinn, my friend, you're never paying for another drink again.

Or at least as long as Dobby's in the race and your expense account is still

open for business.

He knows. Maybe our guy has a shot.

Oh, I appreciate your optimism, my friend, as misguided as it may be.

Here's to Claire Dobson's TV career.

And a mile to not find out that we're all out drinking without him again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Peep Twitter real quick, at TheHaltmanFile. Meet me in room 432.

worth your while.

I think you accidentally sent a DM to Marissa at the tweet.

Oh, man, this is awesome. I don't see the tweet. Where'd it go?

Probably deleted it.

Classic tweet and delete.

No, no, no, he can't get away with it. Well, he can run, but he can't hide.

I almost feel bad for him.

I don't.

Stone cold.

Oh, you guys, I think we need another round. Hell yeah.

Is this heaven?

No, it's Iowa.

What's up?

I'm Noah.

I'm here reporting on the presidential campaign.

Me too.

I'm Sid.

New embed for the Dobson campaign.