All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s03e07 Safari Park

Sorry for them.

I believe you were recently involved in
an accident that was not your fault.

Thank goodness you called!

Oh, you were?

Just now. How did you know?

Can you tell me how it happened?

I'm not 100 % certain myself.

I'm lucky to be talking to you now, to
be honest. It was touch and go there for

a while.

Would you be interested in pursuing
compensation?

Compensation?

Really? Yeah, you could be entitled to
compensation. Did you know that?

I have to say. What's your name?

Roger. I have to say, Roger, you're
terribly efficient.

Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind
at this stage.

I'm only now getting my breath back.

Where did it happen?

Um, up there.

Yes, in my home.

Can't you see me?

No, I can't see you.

But when I fell into the toilet, you saw
that bit.

No. Well, you just heard the splash and
put two and two together.

No.

So, you just called on the off chance
that I'd fallen into the toilet.

That's very enterprising.

How much do you think I can get?

Well, I...

The homeowner, or are you renting?

Um, yes.

Which one?

Which one what?

Which one are you?

Arthur, remember?

I fell down the toilet. Are you renting,
or do you own it? The toilet.

Came with the house, I think.

No, the house.

Do you own the house? I do.

Oh, I see what you're getting at. I
consume myself.

That makes things easier, or more
complicated.

No, no, you can't sue yourself.

Why not?

I think I've got quite a good case.

I might even settle out of court.

You can't owe yourself... Oh, God!

You all right, mate?

I hate my job.

I hate my job. I hate it. I hate, hate,
hate my job. I hate my job.

I hate my job.

Sorry to hear that.

Why don't you leave?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I will.

What is it you do?

Come and sit here, please, Cedar.

It's been quite a morning.

So?

So what?

I'm giving you one chance.

Say it. Let's have it.

You've got no excuse. I told you
yesterday.

Sure, I don't know what you're talking
about.

Ha... Happy...

Birth...

Birthday...

Michael... What was the first part
again?

Happy birth... Oh, thank you very much.

Wait a minute, that's not for months.

To me!

Unbelievable. Well, I'm not supposed to
remember every sodded birthday, am I?

It's someone's birthday every day.

That's two years in a row now. You
always remember Eggie and John's.

Oh, that was a nice day.

Oh, when I hired the houseboat. Oh,
wasn't it just Eggie? Oh, it was lovely.

We had cocktails on deck and everything.

It did think, though.

Yeah, only the front of it.

It was bone dry at the back. You just
couldn't get up there.

We almost drowned, Arthur.

John, do you remember when I hired that
hot air balloon? That was fun, wasn't

it? Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost
drowned.

Look, it doesn't bother me.

No,

it does. It does.

I don't know. I thought we were... You
know what? You're just you.

You're not being... You're just you.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Happy birthday.

Get your filthy hands off my sister.

Maybe I didn't drop enough booze.

Was I too subtle?

I don't think you were too subtle.

Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday
tomorrow.

It's just a general announcement.

It's not aimed at anyone in particular.

Just, you know, when people are friends,
it's nice to remember each other's

birthdays.

A kind of way of showing that you're not
unhappy that they're alive.

Arthur.

Arthur!

Did you hear any of what I just said?
Sorry, Michael, I've got things on my

mind. I think the date might be up on
one of my vouchers.

50p off a leg of lamp, I'll keep that
safe.

Two full and gym membership.

Oh, here it is.

I was right. This runs out today.

I've got to get myself down to Anne
Somers. I bet he did remember.

It's just so cheap he doesn't want to
have to buy me a cup of tea or

Um, yeah, um, sorry, I just have to...
What's so

funny? They're planning a surprise for
Michael.

Please don't kiss customers on their
birthday.

He's my boyfriend.

And a customer.

We don't want everyone thinking they get
a kiss on their birthday.

It's exactly the kind of thing idiot man
will start asking for.

You OK?

Get the banner up.

Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he
realises I'm not a terrible friend, as

I have been pretending to be for a
number of years to give him this

today. It's a good thing Birdie
overheard him talking to Zenim. And then

dinner, for which I have bought a superb
South American Malbec, I thought we

could watch Seven Samurai, which is my
favourite film ever.

Hey, three hours long.

Oh, it flies by.

Can I cook at least?

No, no, Zenim, I'll do it. I don't
believe you. You get insulted when

forget your birthday, and then when
people remember, you don't want them to

anything for you.

I know.

On my 10th birthday, my dad promised me
a trip to the zoo.

Then on the day, he decided to do a
speech at the dinner for Tommy Cooper

instead.

Just like that.

Ever since, I've been in charge of my
own birthday, and as a result, it's

just the way I like it.

I suppose that makes me terribly anal.

What a strange place.

What is Arthur?

I'm Summers.

I don't quite know how to describe it.

It's a sort of... I don't know what sort
of place this is.

They had this... I don't know what it
was, but it lit up. I

think it had a bell on it.

Oh, I don't know.

I know I don't want to go there again,
though.

Did you not use your voucher, then? Oh,
no, I used the voucher.

Yes, Birdie?

Your man, Brian, he's just been telling
a terrible, sad story.

Brian, you mean Michael?

Yeah, one of those names. He was talking
to cinema. What an awful, brutal

childhood he had.

Really, Birdie? Go on, then. He wanted
to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy

Cooper instead.

Oh. And now, as a result of it, he has a
tremendous anal problem.

Oh. Right, that settles it.

We're going to give him a proper
birthday.

I'm going to pull all the stops out. No
expense spared.

It's in here somewhere. I know it is.

Here it is.

I've been saving this. What is it,
Arthur? This, Eggie, is the golden

Golden ticket?

Yes, you know, like from Charlie's wonky
willy factory.

I'm going to give Michael a birthday to
remember if it kills him. And me.

Who's Brian?

Sorry about that.

Birdie did that. But make no mistake, we
are here to celebrate you, Brian.

Michael. Thank you very much.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, the childlike delight in your eyes
says it all. But it's not over yet, for

we are going on a magical mystery tour.

What? We have everything planned.

Come on, you're carried, you wait.

Oh, no, no, no. Arthur, Stephen and I
have something planned.

What, did you know about this?

I did, and they've promised to get you
back in time. Fear not. We shall return

you to your lady's arms at the appointed
hour.

Er... Oh, Michael, for goodness sake, be
spontaneous for once in your life.

Oh, all right, what the heck.

Arthur, I'm in your hands.

When can I take this off?

When we're there.

How long's the drive?

Well... An hour and a half.

I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour
and a half.

Let's go on, then. Take it off. Bet
you'll spoil the surprise.

Oh, really cool.

Where are we going?

Let me put it this way. Do you like
animals?

They're all right.

What's the spirit? Well, we're all going
to Felstead Safari Park!

Hooray!

Oh.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Why?

Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to
the zoo.

Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo, but
this is the next best thing.

Oh. Oh, you overheard me.

No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the
zoo.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Thank you, Arthur. That's very
thoughtful.

The voucher gives us 60 % off a family
ticket.

And a wife.

And a wonderful wife you are, dear.

OK,

isn't Eggie coming?

Hello, Michael.

He's in the boot until we get in.

Er, if somebody pays for one child.

OK, so, Eggie's in the boot, and we're
passing John off as a schoolboy.

It's about the size of it.

John does not look like a schoolboy.

He's dead young, Michael.

I'm sorry, Hugh, don't. No, boys.

Michael, John, I will turn this car
round!

LAUGHTER

What do you think of the car, Michael?

It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls -Royce of
the car world.

Can't be many of these still on the
road.

I'll tell you something. You would not
believe how cheaply I was able to hire

for the day.

They were practically begging me to take
it away.

Right. Probably because there's a bit of
a hole under my seat.

Don't worry, though.

I've stuffed a load of newspapers down
there, so it won't get too drafty in the

back.

This is the same car we went to my
birthday in, isn't it?

It is, Eggie.

You all nearly died, didn't you, that
time?

We did.

Not because of the car, though. That was
because I spent very little money on

the boat.

That's right.

And then, on John's birthday, you all
nearly died then, too.

That's right. We nearly drowned.

Luckily, no chance of that in a safari
park.

A safari park.

I'm going to a safari park on my
birthday with Arthur

in this car.

The car is safe, isn't it?

Incredibly safe for the money.

It's secure?

Bound to be secure, I would imagine.

Is it, though?

Secure and safe, full stop?

Secure and safe, full stop, I would say.

Categorically safe and secure.

Categorically, in general terms, I would
imagine so.

Arthur, can you assure me that this car
is completely safe?

Yes.

I'm going to die.

Arthur does like to cut corners.

I'm extremely frightened. We're going to
a safari park.

It doesn't feel safe.

I don't feel safe at all.

Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you
now.

Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel
it and just come home. You can make up

an excuse later.

Sneak away?

Maybe.

I'll call you back. OK.

so beautiful out here.

I suppose.

Are you coming, then?

Yep.

On my way.

All right, everyone. Here we are. You
know what to do.

Oh, now, dear, let's not argue.

Nag, nag, nag.

Women, eh? Oh, there'll be the death of
me.

Hello, my good man. I have here a
voucher for a family ticket. Please

for families.

We are a family, as my wife and son will
confirm.

Although, don't pay too much attention
to my son. He's shy.

I love you and I always will, despite
what my father decreed. Let's not get

all that now, Birdie, my dear. My father
opposed... Yes, that's not really an

issue at the moment, Birdie. We're going
to a safari park.

And now we're a family with a lovely wee
boy.

Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention
to John, Birdie.

What about him?

He's paying.

Here we go. Ooh, isn't that exciting?

He's circling. He's circling back to
attack.

Couple of elephants?

Oh, bossy horses.

Oh, something with them. They must be
poorly.

Oh, that one's getting a free ride. Get
down and walk like the rest of them.

Oh, signs in the wild.

It's coming near the car.

It's coming near the car!

You're all right, Michael. You sound
highly stressed.

No, I'm fine.

Let's just get through this quickly,
Cam.

John, are you smoking?

Yeah.

Why? It's just what you said.

Try to be more like the schoolboy. You
know, crafty one behind a bike's head

sort of thing. You're in the back seat
of a car.

You're supposed to be with your parents.

Oh, yeah, I suppose so.

Sorry, I'll get rid of it.

The lions, they're my favourite.

Why do you like lions so much, Arthur?

I don't, Eggie. I can't stand them. I
find them arrogant.

But they're not so high and mighty now,
are they? Eh?

They're safe here in the car, and
they're out there thinking about how

they'd love to come and eat us.

Dream on, you bloody idiots!

Oh, by the way, sorry again for
forgetting to take you out of the boot

entrance. Oh, don't worry about it,
Arthur.

It happens.

Too late to do anything about it now,
anyway.

John, I thought you were told to put
that cigarette out.

I did ask that. The floor's on fire.

Oh, the cigarette's set and the
newspaper's on fire.

Why didn't you throw it out the window?

You're not supposed to have the windows
open in a safari park.

All right, everybody out!

They're looking over. We have to get
back inside.

But what about the fire? What about the
lions?

Lions, fire, lions, fire. It's a
dilemma.

What does everyone else think? They
can't debate it. Come on, John, you must

have an opinion.

Pissed off my food, Arthur.

Who votes for getting back in the car?

Time.

On balance, I think we should get back
in the car.

Get back in the car.

OK, OK, they're getting back.

There's too much fire in the car.
Everyone try and look a bit less like

Oh, God, what are we going to do?

Eggie, how are you doing?

I'm not too bad, Arthur. Are we home
yet?

Not quite.

You have a bit of a decision to make,
Eggie.

There's fire in the car, but there's
lions out here.

Given those circumstances, do you want
to get out of the boot?

I'll tell you what.

Let me out and I'll have a look at the
situation.

Oh,

yeah,

I see what you mean.

All right, look, we're going to have to
make a run for it. What?

When I count to three, we all scatter in
different... directions. Hopefully the

lions will become confused and not know
who to pick to eat. Ready?

Fire away.

Ready. Are we going to do this?

Are we really going to do this? One,
two, three. Oh, no, look, the fire's

out. Back in the car.

The little boys!

The little boys!

Run! Run!

What about John?

Oh, it's all right.

Look, they're not bothered.

I want to go home. But what about the
alligator? Now!

We have to pick up John.

Yes, of course pick up John, but then we
go home.

But what about... Arthur, you nearly
killed us. I want to go home.

Well, if that's the way you feel about
it.

Oh, that's nothing.

Actually, how about we get up and
stretch our legs?

No, I want to go home.

Just let's stretch our legs for a
minute.

The car's broken down again, hasn't it?

No.

Oh, broken down, you said.

Yes, it probably has broken down, is
what I meant to say. Get the AA.

The car's not with the AA.

It's with the AAA.

They're a little cheaper.

But they promise to be out within 24
hours.

24 hours? That is easy.

Ah!

No, no, what's got you so upset?

We had a nice time, haven't we?

No! No, we have not had a nice time,
Arthur. You nearly killed us.

You nearly killed us, Arthur. And you
know why?

Because you cut corners.

You cut so many... corners that you are
literally putting lives at risk.

Well, maybe we can... What? What,
Harper?

We are miles from anywhere, you're a
member of something called the AAA, it

pouring with rain, and now my phone has
run out.

What do you suggest we do?

I'll go and see if I can find some help.

Can I get out now?

Come on, everyone, let's have a sing
song.

I could be home.

Nice food, bottle of wine.

Instead, I'm here.

Ha -ha. That's true enough.

You're definitely here.

How do you do it, Birdie? How do I do
what?

You're always so cheerful.

Why wouldn't I be cheerful? I'm having a
brilliant time.

How?

Have you ever thought I'd go to a safari
park?

Something like that?

It wasn't until I met Arthur that things
like that started happening to me.

I get a bit low sometimes, you know,
but, like, you know, there's some lovely

people there, but being at the shelter,
you know, you get the blues sometimes,

you know, that way.

It's just nice to get away from it all
for a while, you know.

Better to look at a lion for the day
than sheep for the rest of your life.

Oh, look, here comes Arthur.

Spotted a cafe over that way.

We'll have to get going, though. It's a
long walk.

Arthur.

Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting...
Oh, no, no, no, no. You were right.

I wanted to give you a special name, but
I cut so many corners, I've just ruined

it. Just like when it was Eggie's
birthday and we all nearly drowned.

Or John's birthday and we all nearly
drowned.

I just can't do anything right.

I'm cheap.

I mean, who else carries a box of
vouchers around?

Vultures? Hang on.

Birdie?

Have you got that I gave you from Aunt
Thomas?

I do, Arthur.

They're lovely stockers, but they're not
really my style.

Brilliant. Eggie, when I give you the
thumbs up, try the engine.

Oh, Arthur, you're... You're not going
to use it as a fan belt, are you?

I think that only works in filled...
It's working!

It's working!

Quick, get back in before it changes.
It's mine.

Should get us as far as that cafe.

Happy birthday to Michael.

Happy birthday to you.

I'll be mum.

I remember when I first met Michael.

Enough of my stories.

Let's all raise a glass to the man who's
become a fixture in all our lives, like

a spoon or a thing for salt.

See, that spoon's a bit dirty.

But Michael isn't.

He's clean, like a bar of soap or a
washing machine.

Never once have I had to step in and
have a word.

To Michael!

To Michael!

Very much. It's the nicest roadside
sausage birthday cake I've ever had.

It's not bad, is it?

It's very dense.

I get the feeling there's more than one
kind of meat in here.

I like that in the sausage.

There's a lot going on.

Seriously, though, Michael, it's been a
pleasure knowing you these last few

years. I'll second that.

I don't really know you.

You do anything for anyone. You haven't
got a selfish bone in your body.

Very true, Eggie. We could learn a lot
from Michael.

Are you finishing that?

Do you want it?

Well, but if you're not having it...
It's all yours.

Want to get another round in?

Oh, thanks, Iggy, but just still working
on this one.

Actually, I've had a lot of fun, so
thank you, guys.

Oh, just a shame you won't be back in
time for Seenham.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

What's this?

I got you one of those motorcycle
shuttle services.

This bloke will whiz you through the
traffic, get you back in time for your

night. Oh, Arthur, that's so kind.

Must have cost you a few quid. You don't
need to say anything. Just go.

OK, lead the way.

Thank you, guys.

Bye, Michael.

And you didn't even need to use a
voucher. Oh, no, I used a voucher.

What's wrong with the helmet?

Oh, the visibility's very poor.

You do know you're not actually looking
at me right now, don't you?

Oh, sorry.

You're not looking at me.

Sorry, this may seem like a silly
question, but... Can you see?

I can see most things.

We'd better start if we walk him back.

Oh, no.

I got us a taxi.

Oh, what a lovely day.

And no -one drowned.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, it's quite a day.

Are you all right?

Oh, you know, water off a duck's back.

Join BBC Two now at the Royal Albert
Hall as the first night of the proms

concludes with Harmonium. Next here,
it's Britain's Got the Pop Factor and

possibly a new celebrity Jesus Christ
soap star superstar strictly on ice,

Kay's Comedy Shovel.