Original subtitles

No one else is doing it. There's a reason for that. Yes, it's such a good

no one else has thought of it. No, it's such a bad idea, no one else has thought

of it. I think it can be done tastefully. It can't. Eggie, tell him.

tell him.

I have to say, Arthur, I'm with Michael on this one.

What? Well, it's not the best idea you've ever had.

A funeral photographer is not something people will want.

Why not?

It's a big... get -together, isn't it?

All right, what will you ask everyone to say?

What do you mean?

Well, you've got some mourners dressed in black, standing in front of a hearse,

posing for photographs.

What do you ask them to say?

Well, you know, the usual.

Smile. Oh, wait.

There you go. I'll say what you mean now.

What was that?

My publisher said I should start a Twitter account.

It's good for publicity, apparently. One of my tweets must have got retweeted.

How many people see it when you tweet something?

Ah. I don't think that's important, actually.

It's good you do Twitter.

The world can always use more opinions from middle -class white people.

That's sarcasm.

What was I thinking about?

Funeral photographer.

It's a terrible idea.

It's almost as bad as the castle of adventure.

Oh, yes.

The castle of adventure.

What was that?

An educational toy. I suppose the simplest way of putting it, Michael,

for babies.

I see.

It didn't really work.

I still think the principle is sound, Eggie. Giving babies some much -needed

exercise, getting them thinking on their feet, etc.

But relying on their sense of self -preservation to propel them through a

quite hazardous vertical maze was, I now realise, flawed.

Good God!

You didn't actually build one, did you? We did. A prototype.

We tested it with John.

Well, suddenly its shortcomings became hideously apparent.

Thank goodness it never made it to market.

Yes, but that's not well.

Hey, you know Los Demonios de la Emocion?

Oh, yes, at the Roundhouse. Yes, I've heard it's excellent.

It's an Argentinian performance art group.

Yes, the demons of excitement.

There's a lot of audience participation.

At one point, they descend on wires and grab people under the arms and propel

them to the top of a suspended dome.

Well, I got us some tickets for Saturday.

Oh, I've been dying to see that. I know.

Had to pull a few strings, but here we are.

Oh, I don't want to go to that.

What? I don't want to go to that.

But you literally just said you wanted to see it.

I don't think we'd be able to get to this.

I don't want to be grabbed from the audience and taken to the top of a

dome.

That sounds like the second phase of the Castle of Adventure.

No one in the audience is safe.

Wear loose clothing.

Not recommended for pregnant women.

Don't see why they'd get out of it.

You go through this every time Seenham wants to do something different. If

you're that worried about it, why don't you tell her you've got something else

on? I can't just lie.

Why not?

I'm not built like that.

I actually have to have something to do, and then I have to go and do that

thing, otherwise my face just radiates guilt.

I look like a distress flare.

Oh, well, just go then. You might enjoy it.

Don't be ridiculous, Arthur.

It's audience participation.

Anything yet, you two?

Sorry, Arthur, nothing's coming.

Oh, that noise.

Sorry. Come on, you're my ideas, people, and we need some fresh ones. If

somebody can make money out of Michael's telephone making that terrible noise,

then surely we can come up with something.

As you know, Michael, in the world of entertainment, my legacy is established.

But I worry that not enough people know me as an entrepreneur.

Barry Norman has his pickled onions.

Bill Wyman has his range of metal detectors.

Alan Sugar has, um, whatever he does.

What do I have? I tell you what always gets the creative juices flowing,

A soap opera.

Good idea, John.

What did you say? A sleep opera?

Isn't that for teenage girls?

No, no.

Soup opera.

A soup opera?

Yeah.

What is it?

Just what it sounds like.

I don't know what it sounds like.

We get together and just have a bit of a chat and some soup.

Soup? Yes, you wouldn't not have soup at a soup over.

Sorry, I'm still not sure I quite understand.

Look, we all go to someone's house, right?

Right. And everybody brings a small selection of their favourite soup.

Right.

And that's it.

Wait, you each bring a small selection?

Yes, it's kind of like come dine with me, except with only soup.

And how many of you are involved?

Just me, John and Eggie.

So if you each bring a small selection of soups, that's at least six different

soups? Oh, at least.

Usually it'd be around nine separate soups. My sister's washing my pyjamas,

can't do it today.

Oh, never mind, Eggie. It's more of a weekend thing anyway.

Your pyjamas?

Yes, we put on our pyjamas and watch Channel 4 Racing.

All the other things you would do at a soup over.

So you do sleep over. This is just like an old man version of a sleepover.

Not overnight.

We do it in the afternoon.

Why do you wear your pyjamas, then? You can get very sleepy when you have soup

during the day, Michael.

Especially leek and potato.

Can I come?

No, girls.

What? In this day and age? You didn't let me finish.

No girls have ever wanted to come to a soup over.

You'd be very welcome, of course, Birdie.

Actually, no, I'm allowed to. I don't want to.

I hate soup.

What? I'm just not a fan.

If you'll excuse me.

What are you saying, Birdie?

Have I upset Eggie? I just don't like soup.

You've not been coming to the cafe long, Birdie, so I'll explain to Eggie.

But don't be talking jive about soup.

We take it all very seriously.

Why? What?

Why do you take soup seriously?

During World War I, Eggie's grandfather, Charlie, was a cook in the trenches.

On Christmas Day, there was a huge 1 ,000 -player football match between us

the Germans.

Afterwards, Charlie had the idea of making a big load of soup for everyone.

There wasn't a pot big enough, so he had to make it in a cannon.

was ready, he lowered the cannon and everyone came and got soup from it.

The Germans were a little bit nervous to see the cannon being pointed at them.

But when they saw it was full of soup, they laughed and all was well.

So to commemorate this moment in our nation's history, you, Eggie and John,

up to nine separate soups in your pyjamas.

It really is as simple as that.

But it's not just one single incident.

Soup has played a pivotal role throughout history.

Archimedes, for example, was eating soup in the bath when he had his urethra

moment.

And it's very much in that spirit that we formed our brotherhood. Our

brotherhood of soup, if you will.

And you're doing it this weekend?

Just hold that thought.

Hi, hi, listen.

I've just remembered.

I'm not going to be able to make it this Saturday.

Oh, no, why not?

I have a Cuban black bean and a Vietnamese noodle soup.

Oh, intriguing.

It's paying off already, John. Getting some young blood in. Oh, yes.

We usually have pretty soups.

British soups? Yes, you know, like cream of chicken, cream of tomato, cream of

vegetable, cream of mushroom, cream of cauliflower, cream of turkey, and all

rest of the cream branch of the soup tree.

And then, of course, you have your broths.

Scotch broth, oxtail, mulligatoni, coccolichi, mock turtle, real turtle.

And then we move on to the cuppa soups. OK, I've got it. I've got it. Thank you.

What did you bring, John?

Cream of mushroom, leek and potato.

Oh, that's two very heavy soups. You should always try to bring a consomme,

John. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Oh, here's eggy now.

Shall we just start eating them when eggy arrives?

Oh, no, I've just had breakfast.

Right, I skipped breakfast because I thought we'd be eating soup all day.

Hello, everyone.

What have you got for us, eggy?

I've got cream of broccoli, seafood chowder and lentil soup.

Again, very heavy soups. Three of them. I'm a bit worried about this.

What's the vase for?

I didn't have enough pot, so I put the cream of broccoli in a vase.

Ooh, I've never had soup from a vase before.

That's why it's exciting.

It's different, isn't it?

Hi.

Hello. How you doing, good -looking?

Are you really not coming to this with me?

It's just I promised Arthur I'd do this thing with him. It's actually a pain in

the butt, really.

Just not sure what time it'll finish.

You kept going on about this show. Do you know the trouble it took to get

tickets? Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Sorry. Oh, you say that word so much, Michael. I could really do without

that word for a while.

Ooh, that didn't go brilliantly.

Lady problems.

Tell me about it.

What do you know about lady problems?

How to handle a woman?

I know enough.

I know a single Cadbury's rose can bring a bigger smile than a whole vodka. I

know they like to be treated like a queen in the kitchen, a friend in the

and a vixen in the scullery.

But most importantly, love her.

Merely love her.

You've been alone.

Sorry, a bachelor the whole time I'd known you.

Yes, well, actually, Eggie, that's not a very good place for the bowser soup.

I'll put it over here, next to this extremely tall pile of sliced bread.

What was I saying? Oh, yes, I don't think I could live with someone else's

eccentricities.

No women for us, eh, John?

Shall we begin the festivity?

Ho, ho!

Let's go!

Are we really not having any soup now?

I've just had breakfast.

So have I.

OK. Anyway, we always watch a race in first.

It's a VHS tape.

Yeah? So it's a recording of some horse racing.

What's your point?

Nothing, I don't... OK.

Coming to take us, you caddies, on.

Michael stood you up, did he?

I couldn't help overhearing.

Sorry, Betty.

Oh, no need to apologise to me.

It's him who should be apologising.

Getting up to no good the way he is. No, no, he said he's doing something

important with Arthur. He's not up to anything.

The soup over.

Sorry, the what?

They're supposedly having a soup over?

What's a soup over?

It's a celebration of soup.

They each bring a different soup and sit around eating it in their pyjamas.

Sounds like the worst thing in the world.

Wait, wait, wait. You're saying he's not going to this extremely enjoyable event

with me because he's at something called a soup over?

So he says.

What do you mean?

I don't believe it for a second.

I do.

Michael is exactly the right kind of boarding for a soup over.

Look at that.

Beautiful.

Lovely runner.

Why can't I get any reception?

I want to go on the internet.

Why would you want to go on the internet?

Whatever happened to conversation?

Look at that.

Beautiful.

Lovely runner.

I can't breathe.

This is like living in the past.

This race isn't even live.

When are we having soup?

Oh, relax, Michael. A soup over has its own rhythm.

You can't be rushing things.

Abandon yourself to it.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

What?

Is this the same race?

What do you mean?

This is the same race. This is the race that was just on.

Again, what's your point?

I thought it was at least different races. How many races have we watched in

last hour?

Just the one.

Have we been watching the same five minutes of television over and over?

But it's a classic.

I need to sit down.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Lovely runner.

Tell you what.

Something funny's going on. Not the right weather for a soup over.

What to no good?

Doing man things.

You're crazy. Man things?

Ha!

Michael is not a man.

What do you mean, men things?

You know, the things men like doing when men get together and there's no women

there to keep an eye on them. What do you mean, men things?

The things of men and men's ways, ceremonies, things, goings -on. What

kind of things?

Oh, brothers, I'm getting potatoes, leeks... It's potato

and leek, Arthur.

I haven't finished, Eggie.

There's a harshness to the potatoes, which indicates they were planted on the

north side of the field, whereas the smooth finish of the leeks suggests

and its environs.

It just tastes like soup.

He has a way to go yet.

Give him time.

Give him time.

This one might surprise you, Arthur.

Would

I

be right in saying that these mushrooms come from Lidl's?

disguises for cats.

Why?

Oh, well, let's not do that, then.

Cats are already in a sort of disguise, aren't they?

How so, Iggy? Well, a fake beard is a disguise, isn't it?

And cats have a sort of body beard.

Does that get anything going?

Horseshoes! They already exist.

No, I mean proper ones that go over the horses.

So it sounds like two men instead of one horse.

How and why and where would that be useful?

In cases of subterfuge.

If the enemy was looking for one man and a horse, it would hear the footsteps

and think it was roughly three men.

This might give the horse and man vital time to escape.

From where?

The war.

Oh!

Are you all right?

It's just, I've got that feeling of vertigo again.

It's a very intense panic.

A soup over can be quite overpowering if you're not ready for it, Michael.

Put your legs between your head.

Fish fungers.

What's that, Arthur? A more fun version of fish fingers.

Sounds like fish fungus.

Oh, it does a bit, doesn't it? Well, maybe that's good.

Kids like things that are a little bit horrible, don't they?

Count Arthur Strong's fish fungus.

Oh, yeah, I could dress as a fisherman on the packet. Or a doctor if we go the

fungus route.

I really don't feel well. I have to go outside.

I can't breathe.

Michael, look at me.

Look at me.

This is a normal reaction to the soup over.

What do you mean?

Not everyone under the age of 60 can handle a soup over, Michael.

Your body is probably going into shock.

It's all so dull.

It's so pointless. It's grim.

It's grim.

Just push through it. Push through it and come out of the other side.

I'm not sure I can.

There's soup in a vase.

There's soup in a vase.

Well, I'll not stand in your way.

What?

What's happened?

Oh, no.

The extremely tall pile of sliced bread has toppled into the vase of soup,

causing it to pour cream of broccoli all over your clothes.

Don't worry. I'll put a wash on.

How long will that take?

Just a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

Brother Arthur, I'm concerned about Michael.

He grows pale and the light has gone from his eyes.

He's just acclimatising to the rigorous mental demands of a soup over.

We've all been there.

The first time wasn't easy for any of us.

True. True.

His transformation is almost complete.

It grows chill.

Brothers, here's a problem.

A problem, you say?

There's still too much soup.

The seat's full and so's the bin.

I was afraid of that.

While you've been a delightful addition to the soup over, Michael, your presence

has caused us something of a problem.

Soup disposal is difficult at the best of times.

But with four participants, there's a real danger of a sort of soup mountain

forming.

What are we going to do?

Flush it again, Brother John.

in loads of money, you know.

What do you mean?

Water charges, all this flushing.

If there was something in the system, you wouldn't need as much water.

Hang on a second. Say that again.

Water displacement.

If there was something in the system, it'd use less water and you'd save money

on water charges.

You might just have something there, Michael. Wait a second.

Let me run the numbers.

They check out.

A garbage household could save up to £25 a year.

OK, OK, we've got something here.

Something's cooking.

Questions. What kind of object should it be? What should it be made of? My head

is spinning.

This is a brilliant idea.

Settle in, boys. The soup may be down the toilet, but this soup over is far

over. Isn't that right, Michael?

Ah. Ha -ha! Good old Michael!

Names, names.

Toilet pal. Toilet friend. Toilet mate.

Toilet mate.

Save at least £3 ,000 a year using this product.

What? Wait a minute, what did he say?

Any business employing over 1 ,000 people will save at least £3 ,000 a year

using this product.

But that's quite good.

Too right it is.

What's that?

It's the toilet brick.

That's just a prototype. The actual brick will be made of galvanised rubber.

This might be a good idea.

You might actually have come up with a good idea.

John, explain this to me.

The soup over is working its magic.

Michael is becoming one of us.

So he is truly the one.

But is he ready?

He's still a young man.

His youth is the key to the soup over's future.

Through Michael, we can access the internet.

And soon, every home will have a toilet brick.

We're going to be fairly well off.

Fairly!

tell you well who can that be i think

the biggest issue will be marketing john if we can really put the toilet brick

into it hi seen him oh it really is a soup over

yes what did you think i don't know they've come up with a pretty good idea

him the toilet brick

It can save you money and it's good for the environment.

Right. I just thought you might have finished. I thought you might still like

come. Leave him.

He's happy here.

What's the delay?

If you want the list, let's get the move on.

I think Michael's staying.

Actually, what's that smell?

Something smells good.

You know what, Michael?

If this is the kind of life you really want, then you should just say so. But

this...

isn't what I want.

Goodbye, Michael.

But it is actually a good idea.

The toilet brick. The toilet brick?

What the hell is a toilet brick?

It's a water displacement device you put in a piston.

I think it can work.

Of course it works. We have one in the cafe.

It's called the toilet hippo.

What? What?

Here, you can get them online.

Seen them?

Yes.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Loose clothing. Let's go.

Go.

So he wasn't the one.

No.

But there is another.

Then they spray foam all over the audience and put this really loud dance

on.

It's actually quite fun.

Did they grab you and take you to the top of the suspended dome?

No. Next time.

I think I'm going to try and be more open to those kind of things.

I'm not really ready for pyjamas and soup in the daytime.

No, hurry.

That's all ahead of you.

Can I have a spoon, please, Bulant?

You up to much at the weekend?

With choice picking from early stand -up to singing with a big head Subaru,

Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle is here in just a moment.

Then taking a wry look at recent events, Tracy is breaking the news. Expect some

very powerful ladies to pop in at 9 .30.