Original subtitles

It's very realistic, isn't it? Oh, well, we're known for our realism, John. Me

and Terry don't do things by halves. But what happens, Arthur? You go to

people's houses and what?

We give them a murder mystery experience.

They find a body, look for clues and try to work out who done it. You know, like

Agatha Watson with Hercule Byron and Mrs Marbles.

Who are you playing tonight?

Chief Inspector?

You've shot up through the racks.

Imagine a world where that could happen.

Bullen, you have to.

Shouting again. This is shouting. He's going to notice. He's not an idiot.

Well, you're very impressive, Arthur. Thanks, John.

This'll show bloody Martin Clunes.

I'm sorry?

Martin Clunes. What about him? Don't like him.

He knocked into me once in Curry's when we were both after the same meat

thermometer.

Took half the skin off the back of me hand because of his abnormally long

fingernails. Look.

I'll have that till the day I die.

Plus, he's got no range. He's always either a vet or a doctor.

I've been a bishop, a chauffeur, an international swimmer. And what do they

in common, all these great roles?

Have you told them?

They're all hugely challenging parts.

They're all dead.

And dead, yes. They have all passed away.

I saw the website.

He placed the victim in all of them.

Well, it's true that I specialise in the recently annihilated.

Terry tells me we've had some very strong reviews on TripAdvisor. And

one has a little bit of a twist. My character, Chief Inspector Gregson, gets

close to the truth. So he's killed.

All he does is lie down on the floor.

And I bet he can't even do that. It's not as easy as it sounds, Boland. No

acting is easy for you. You are not an actor. And you look, you encourage him.

It's cruel.

For your information, I've become known for characters going through the process

of rigor mortis. Ask around.

Oh, yes, I think you'll find everyone's talking about my stiff parts.

What are you smiling at?

Am I? Oh, no, I didn't mean... I'm just trying to get a cup of tea.

You all right? I saw you and Bulan having a thing.

Oh. My dad's visiting.

He has this habit of suggesting improvements for the cafe.

Improvements? Ha!

But you have to see him.

Your dad?

Oh, right.

Is he... Well, presumably.

I mean, we should probably... I should probably tell him about our, um...

Personal...

Did you hear that?

What? Phenom.

Unless I'm misreading her, I don't think she wants me to meet her dad.

Oh, well, I can understand that.

What? Why?

Well, you're not very impressive, are you?

You're not an impressive person. You're underwhelming. You don't have it.

Can you believe how rude Bullock was to me just then?

Hi again.

Hiya. I just wanted to make sure I got this right. You don't want me to meet

your father?

No, no.

No, I don't. No, I definitely don't want you to meet him, no. No, sorry, but no.

What's your spider sense picking up now?

Michael, my dad, he's been through a lot. It toughened him up.

He likes men to be like him.

Manly.

I am manly.

I am very manly.

Ow, you're hurting my arm.

Michael, You're one of the gentlest, sweetest men I've ever met. I think

got an idea of me. That's just not true.

I mean, I know I'm not macho in the typical sense.

Mmm, these blueberries are exquisite.

I definitely don't think you should meet my father.

Get out of the kitchen!

Not an actor.

Oh, don't let him get to you, Arthur.

My corpse is the glue that holds the evening together.

You can see the electric effect I have when they come in and I don't do

anything.

All right, everyone, if you open your envelopes, you'll find your character

biographies. In a moment, we'll be going through this door and the experience

will begin. Examine the scene, record any clues in the notebooks that we've

provided and try and stay in character because it's more fun that way. And

all, enjoy yourselves.

Well, I do believe dinner is about to be served.

So let me just see what my mentor and superior officer, Inspector Gregson, is

to.

So now let's have it to you.

One of you is a murderer, and it's up to the rest of you to find out who it is.

This much is certain.

Inspector Gregson, the one man who could have solved this mystery, is dead.

Who killed him?

Why?

Why was he killed?

Hang on, hang on. I'm on my keys.

Was he killed because he knew too much?

Sorry, the travelling.

How was he killed? And what was the murder weapon?

That's better.

Carry on. I'm completely dead now.

A few questions to consider. Did somebody want to keep him quiet?

Excuse me.

Just imagine that was posthumous gas escaping.

Let me just check.

Make sure that he's definitely dead.

Oh, yes, all right, I quite understand.

Just let me get a bit more comfortable.

There. Oh, I'm very cosy now. You won't hear another word.

No, it's completely definitely dead.

But we will solve this murder. We have to. So, enjoy the next few hours, for

this will be the most suspenseful dinner you've ever had.

Do you want to wake him up?

Tell him to be more dead.

Should we just ignore it?

Bloody bull, that. You fucker.

Don't be like that.

What is it? Is it all over?

Who'd have thought that the murderer... Give it away.

It's not all over.

Very well, my lips are sealed.

Just don't take your eye off Lord Chumley.

I'm sorry, Terry. I hate that I let you down. What happened in there?

It's just... Sometimes I get a bit stiff lying there all night. I'd love to get

a chance to test my skills.

We had a deal, Arthur.

I know we did, I know. But I'm sick of being the inanimate eye candy.

Look, when we set this up, we agreed I would do all the acting.

Yes, but you don't know what I can do. You haven't seen my form.

Tonight all you had to do was lie there and you couldn't even do that.

Right, well, you're not the first that's said that to me today.

Are we going to start a different one? Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, we're just

coming. Come on, let's say I do murder on Mount Everest.

Arthur.

Arthur!

Are you all right, Iggy?

Yeah, it's Arthur.

He looked really hurt by what Bullant said.

It's true that he hasn't had a real acting job in ages.

I don't think I've seen him in anything proper.

I do wonder if maybe Bullant doesn't have a point.

Are we being cruel, do you think, by encouraging him?

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Here you are, Inspector.

You all right, Tom?

You all right?

Oh, all right, Michael.

What you doing in the oven now? You having no butchers at the ponies?

Yeah.

I didn't think you was interested, Michael.

Try me, Johnny boy.

There's a nice little runner going on 320 at Newmarket today.

Pretty proud, sir.

She'll have the ground, the stables in form, and a jockey's got a seven -pound

claim. That's got to be worth a bull's eye.

I don't understand what you're saying. Am I a manly man?

Well, you're manly. That's true.

Do you think I am?

Manly, I mean.

Well, maybe not in a classic sense.

Right. You have on here a badge that's very delicate, like a baby deer.

I'm like a baby.

Yeah, we're here now, Helen.

Door's been forced open.

Attempted breaking.

I think we scared them off.

I'll have a look anyway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Inspector, they didn't tell us they were sending anyone.

Didn't tell you a lot of things, did they? Who else is here?

Comfortable, Bennett.

Constable Bennett, sir. Sorry, sir.

That's all right, lad. New on the job?

Um... You're doing fine. Take me to Bennett.

Hey.

You should meet my father when he's in town, somewhere far away from the cafe.

Sinem doesn't want me to.

Sinem doesn't know what she wants.

She's a woman. We are men.

Thank you, Boo Land.

You want to let yourself be controlled by a woman?

What kind of man are you? She is in the hatch.

What kind of man are you?

I just do what I want.

No woman can control me.

Looks like she can hear you.

I don't know how to make my voice go lower.

You should meet my father so I don't have to.

It will be good for everyone.

Okay, I'll meet him.

Good.

Is she still there?

Yes.

Okay.

I don't know how to end this conversation.

I'm just going to leave for no reason.

I don't want any corners cut, Bennett. Of course, but it's all fairly routine,

isn't it? Is it, Bennett?

Isn't it indeed?

Go on then, talk me through it. I could use a laugh.

Well, the intruder gained entry by forcing the front door.

We won't know what's missing until we've tracked the owner down. Very good.

But I want you to do something for me.

Look around the room. Tell me what you see.

Look beyond the obvious.

How do you mean? The table.

Look at the table.

It's called Bennett Bennett.

There's a reminder of a meal. A half -eaten meal, which means?

The person who left it didn't have time to clean up. Or he or she or they or it

were interrupted by person or persons unknown.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

It's not for me to say what I'm saying. I have more important things to do. Get

forensics in here.

I want everything that isn't nailed down in a test tube by this evening.

Really? But it's just a break -in. I have a hunch, Bennett.

When I have a hunch, I follow my nose, see where it takes me.

And I've been to some pretty dark places and back with this nose.

And, um, my, uh, hunch.

About a half mile cordon round the area. You want this place sealed off. No -one

gets in, no -one gets out. Um, except me, obviously. And you. And the police.

All the police.

All the police get in and out, but no one else does.

Unless it's Cracker or someone like that.

Understood? Good man. Now get on with it.

I hope to God I'm wrong.

Find something. Damn you, find something.

What is it you think they'll find, sir? I'm not in the business of second

-guessing what I'm thinking.

I deal in facts, Bennett. Hard, cold facts.

It's what's got me wherever it is I am today.

The press are here.

Give me strength.

All right, all right.

I'll deal with them.

Police have cordoned off the immediate area with many people unable to get into

their homes. We're joined by Chief Inspector Gregson. Thank you for joining

Chief Inspector.

Lovely to be here.

What can you tell us about what's going on?

Well, as you'd appreciate, Donna, the investigation is in its very early

And I wouldn't want to say anything that could compromise or jeopardise an

ongoing investigation.

Is it a minor investigation?

At this point, I can neither confirm nor deny that.

But what I can tell you is this. I and my men and I will move heaven and earth

to get to the bottom of whatever is or isn't going on here.

Rest assured, someone will pay for this sort of thing.

What have you found in the garden?

I'm afraid I'm unable to answer that question due to the Official Secretions

Act. Now, for no more questions, I return to my investigation.

Nothing more to see here. Nothing more to see. Good day.

Get a move on. Dig in that garden.

What were you talking about?

Nothing. Michael! Stop towering over me. You're frightening me.

Hello?

Yeah? Yes, speaking.

What?

Yes, yes, I'm coming.

You okay?

It's Arthur.

He's at the hospital.

If I could just ask you a few questions about who did this to you.

Ephememia?

I've never heard of it.

He's in a sort of...

sleepwalking state.

For Arthur, this identity he's assumed is more real than real.

It could be dangerous to rouse him from it.

What can we do?

Well, it may sound odd, but give him a mystery to solve.

It could well unravel the contradictions in his psyche.

That seems crazy.

Oh, okay.

What would I know?

Oh, gosh, no, sorry. No, um, just thank you.

Thank you, Doctor.

All right, Detective Inspector.

Sir.

There's a new case for you to crack.

Very good.

Lead on, son.

This one should do it. Murder at the manor. No, I refuse.

Bulan, you said you'd help him. I thought you meant to make him a cup of

something. The doctor said that he has to have a whole experience.

Do you want to speak to the doctor?

Do you think you know better than a doctor? Well, good luck. Thanks again,

Terry. No, don't thank me. Just take care of my stuff and take care of

I still don't like this. Come on, Bulland.

We don't want to leave Arthur like this, do we?

Confused, aggressive and weird.

Where is he?

He's looking through your dustbin for clues.

What? Oh, actually, that's fine.

Right, pass.

John Biggs the chauffeur. Oh.

Eggie Lady Marjorie.

Lady Marjorie?

Ooh, nobility.

Boulant, Lord Swarton's estranged son, Oliver.

And Thinem, his beautiful but enigmatic daughter, Margaret.

And I am Constable Harker, a disillusioned cop with a chip on his

fiery temper.

Hey, what's this?

A thickly effeminate Englishman who always overthinks things and therefore

cannot live his life to the full.

I've got a temper.

I take it his lordship's body has been removed?

Yes, sir.

Wasn't your father on the force?

I don't know. Bit of a loose cannon, as I recall.

So I've got my hands here, Harker, a loose cannon. I am a bit of a loose

sir, but not too much. Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it, Harker. Very glad to

hear it. Glad to hear it indeed.

What?

I didn't say anything.

Good, good. I like you, Harker. We should go for a pint and talk about how

unhappy I am.

And who do we have?

Marjorie Swanson, sir.

Pleasure, milady.

Could I offer my condolences at what must be a very difficult time for you?

Yes, it came as a terrible shock to us all.

Is she not fragrant?

If you're up to it, my lady, I need to ask you a few questions.

Of course.

But be quick, won't you? A lady needs her beauty sleep.

then that would be a very short sleep indeed.

And you are quite, um, a corker.

Indeed, if I were not here professionally, I would be all over you,

German shepherd on some chicken.

Please, park it here.

Cigarette? Where?

I may just be serious for a moment.

Did you kill your husband? And why?

No.

Well, I don't think there'll be anything else.

I do apologise, my lady, for giving you such a severe probing.

I had to ask. It's my job. It's what I do.

I understand.

Thank you, Inspector.

If you need me, just whistle.

You know how to whistle, don't you?

You open your lips a little bit and put your tongue against the base of your

bottom teeth and exhale with some force, avoiding sputum.

I was in a car with a ladyship.

What time, Biggs? I can't remember.

Can't remember or won't remember?

Can't. I didn't read a little card.

I've had just about enough of this.

I've got the governor giving me it in the neck and you on the other end

my chain.

And my ass is in a sling.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Answer the question, Biggs!

Calm down, Michael. All right, all right, time out.

You'll have to forgive Constable Harker. He's a bit of a wild one.

I'm a loose cannon!

In fact, sometimes I have to hold him back. Oh, goodness knows what he's

of.

I'll get him out of my sight.

Don't leave town, Mr. Chauffeur, or you'll be chauffeuring yourself into

I suppose you're all wondering why I gathered you here this evening.

Here you are, miss. Dry those eyes.

Thank you.

You're very kind.

Make this quick.

I have better things to do with my time.

Oh, we all have somewhere we'd rather be.

I'd quite like to be listening to classical music while drinking real ale

Jaguar.

Or talking through the events of the day with my alcoholic sister.

But I find myself here, clearing this mess up big.

Oh, me?

You say you were talking to Lady Marjorie this morning.

That's right.

Talking, you say? Think carefully before you answer.

Yes. I put it to you. There was very little talking going on.

In fact, the talking was probably along the lines of, take your jumper off. Not

bad for my age, am I? And do you need a blast of your inhaler?

It's true.

I do have feelings for him. Marge, don't. We love each other. Think of what

do to your family.

I don't care who knows.

I'm glad it's out. Glad, do you hear me? But I never killed my husband.

You must believe me, Inspector.

Incidentally, don't you think it's about time you told your daughter who her

father is? What do you mean?

Oh, come, come.

Look at the likeness.

family reunion.

Which brings me to you.

Okay, come on, let's get this over with.

Your alibi was that you were playing tennis when your father was killed.

Who was your opponent?

I don't know.

Okay, let's stick to what we do know.

You don't think very much of your stepmother, do you?

No. And your father?

My father is a hero to me.

Is he?

Is he really?

What do you think?

You've always thought your father was a little ashamed of you, haven't you? No.

You always wanted to make him proud, didn't you?

Of course. But it was not forthcoming, his pride in you, was it? And so you

to resent him.

Mind what you say. This man who you could never do right by.

That's not true.

Which is why you wanted to get rid of him. No, it's not true, it's not true.

you had an accomplice, didn't you?

Constable Harker.

It was you who agreed to meet his father at a specified location.

You who said you'd look after him.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do, Constable. I very much think you do.

Wait, is this real now, Bulan?

Shut up!

I just need to check. Shut up, darling, shut up!

Is what real?

Michael, what's going on? Don't be too hard on him, miss.

He did it for love.

It's true.

Your father, Bulan, asked me to... Take care of him.

You've ruined everything!

You are meeting Dad.

All right.

And so am I.

Michael. I'm sorry, Stephen, but I insist.

I really think you're great and I want to meet your dad because I bet he's

too. And you're my girlfriend and boyfriends should meet their

fathers. It's the rules.

Um, OK.

Well, it looks like... Looks like they've... Oh, I'm sorry.

What's going on?

What's happening?

Hey, idiot man.

Get up, idiot man.

Got you.

Got all of you.

How about that?

You all said I couldn't act. You said I couldn't even play a dead person.

Well, what do you think now, eh?

Afford the police, afford them at the hospital, and then afford you. I'll kill

you! You don't want to give yourself a turn.

Let go!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Leaving!

So you knew what was happening all the time?

Yep. When I saw those policemen, I thought I'd have a bit of fun.

And it just got out of hand.

When they found out I wasn't a real policeman, I nearly got into trouble. So

blamed it on the knock on the head. And they took me to hospital.

And the rest, you know.

Well, whatever I said about your acting, I take it back.

Why the counter here?

I like it here.

Well, it should be there.

Well, it's not. It's here.

You. You say you are seeing my daughter?

That's right.

Have you ever been arrested for fighting for democracy?

Not yet.

Now you're in London, what would you like to do?

Yes, we're going to take you on a day out. What do you fancy?

I'm busy today.

Busy?

With what?

Come on, then, Mozo.

Arthur, where shall we go first?

Bookies. Good idea.

Maybe John can give us a few tips.

Bullitt, I will see you later for dinner.

Oh, and Bullitt, I like the menu.

Good menu.

Oh, Arthur, Arthur, just... One thing I don't quite understand. The doctor who

said you had eponemia, how did you get him involved?

What? The doctor who said you had to solve a mystery.

First I've heard of it.

You didn't meet a doctor?

No.

Oh. I wonder what happened there.

All right, Detective Inspector.

Sir.

There's a new case for you to crack.

Very good.

Lead on, son.

No, no, Peter.

You're not a doctor.

You just have a nasty bump on the head.