Original subtitles

Hello? Hello. Can you tell me who I'm talking to, please?

I don't know. I can't see you.

I'm sorry?

I can't see you. What does he look like?

Who? The person you're speaking to.

Oh, no, no. I meant you.

Me? Yes.

What about me?

Can you tell me who you are?

Oh, I see. Oh, yes, yes, I can certainly do that.

Well? Very well, thank you. How are you?

Can you tell me who you are?

I already said.

You didn't? I did. You asked me if I could tell you who I am, and I told you

could. Dear, oh, dear.

Well?

Very well, thank you very much.

Now, what's your name?

Oh, I do apologise.

Arthur Strong.

Count Arthur Strong.

Hi, Arthur. I'm Eddie.

Eddie?

Well, I never... Hello, Eddie.

How are things?

They're good. Thank you, Arthur.

It's a turn -up for the books you're calling me after all these years. You

have been in your 90s by now.

Now... We don't know each other.

Beg your pardon, Eddie?

We don't know each other.

Well, I suppose you may have a point. I mean, we only met a couple of times. And

who can say one really knows another person? I mean, really knows them deep

inside.

Oh, and how's Barbara doing, Eddie? Did she have the operation?

No, no, we don't know each other.

What? You and Barbara? I thought you were very close.

We don't know each other.

I'm not that Eddie. There's no Barbara. I'm calling about life insurance. I want

to know if you're interested in life insurance.

Life insurance?

Yes. Are you interested?

No.

Eddie, after all these years...

What's happening?

I've got satellite.

900 channels.

Most of them just the worst kind of pap.

Anyway, I just got it for dangerous attraction.

What's that?

Oh, don't get him started.

A weekly drama.

It's a soap. A weekly drama about a brother and sister who run a business.

Their lives are ruined.

When an interloper steals the sister away, goes to a rift which never heals.

Right.

Last week, the brother put poison in the interloper's drink which made his

manhood fall off. £1 .30.

Turkey steaks are so over the top.

Yes, yes.

Just a bit far -fetched.

Yes. Something like that would never happen.

Tap shoes.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to go.

How are you doing that? You're hardly moving.

Oh, well, you see, most tap shoes only have two tap points at the front and

back. I've had two more put on the sides of these, so it sounds like you're a

couple of skill levels up.

and I've just got off the phone with an old friend.

What about you? You must be feeling pretty good about yourself.

Yes? Love is in the air.

Yep.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Just... I'm not used to things going well.

I always feel like some terrible thing is going to happen just to even it all

out. Oh, for crying out loud.

I can't help it.

Every piece of good news goes straight to my back.

It says 637, but that's not it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Mr. Mystery Man.

Hey, look at this, Arthur.

That turban looks a bit like yours.

That's my memory man act.

What program is this?

The psychic hotline.

And what we're going to get is...

Calm down. I'm sure he didn't feel it. How do you explain that, then?

Well, he's just wearing a turban. How could he have seen it? Who else has seen

it apart from us?

How can you be so naive, Michael?

He's psychic.

And furious.

Absolutely furious.

Hey, calm down.

That act is my ineffectual property.

Who are these people?

It's one of those premium rape phone -in things.

Well, I've got to stop them.

That's defecation of character.

Can you send them a letter on that?

Yes, I suppose I could find their email address or something.

Oh, actually, Michael, do you think you could find out their actual address for

me? I'd much rather send them a handwritten letter.

Why? Oh, no reason.

Just I prefer the personal touch.

All right.

You're not going to do anything silly, are you? Fear not. A strongly worded

letter is the full extent of my ambition.

I

think

dispatch is somewhere along that road. You need to go left at the bottom of

road.

All right, all right, calm down.

I will not calm down. You stole my act. It's my act, is that? Take it easy,

Arthur. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

He's psychic.

There are no coincidences with psychics. He probably entered me in my sleep.

That's how I do it. I should know. I'm one myself.

You're a psychic?

I am.

I tell the future, read minds a lot.

Test me.

No, there's no need for that. No need for that. There you are. I knew what you

were going to say before you said it.

Listen, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Someone I'd like to meet.

Let's go this way. Yes, I will.

So, Arthur, I understand you have a complaint about one of our presenters.

Too right, I do.

James. The turban.

Yeah, he was just trying it out. We can certainly ask him to stop wearing it.

And you're a psychic yourself.

Psychic, magician, actor, singer. I do, um, uh, uh, windows, the lot.

You name it, I've stuck a finger in it.

Why do I recognise him? He's the one that punched the politician and became a

local hero.

Right!

And you're thinking the four o 'clock slot?

He's eccentric, but that sometimes plays well.

had some very good news.

Oh, no.

I know.

You know, Bill Mason, the film director.

Apparently he really likes my book. Oh, sorry.

He's making a film about the old Variety days and he wants me to help him write

his own.

That's great. Michael, that's amazing.

I know.

They gave me a job.

What? Yesterday at the Psychic Hotline.

I'm going to be a Psychic Hotline psychic.

They said I had all the qualities they look for in a presenter. This is going

be bigger than when I had that meeting with Louis Walsh.

Strictly speaking, that wasn't a meeting, Arthur. You saw him on the

you chased him.

Yes, and when I took him down, I met him.

How is that not a meeting?

You're always trying to poke holes, you.

No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm sorry, Arthur. I'm sorry. I'm pleased for you.

Here, Iggy, John, do you want to come and see me do my first show? As my very

special guest, of course.

Hello, Sheila.

Next stop, Hollywood, Arthur.

Oh, now, now, Iggy, let's get ahead of ourselves.

But perhaps I should start the visa process.

I've just found out how much money they're going to pay me.

Hey, well,

look at all this fruit.

Five bananas.

A banana for every day of the week, excluding weekends.

Oh, I tell you what, this is it, lads. I've made it. I'm back, back at the top.

There's a shower. Is there?

Oh, well, of course. One often finds showers in the high -end dressing rooms.

Oh, no shower.

There's a fridge just for water.

Oh, again, it's very common.

The fruit, the shower, now a fridge full of water.

This is a whole new world.

Oh, these trappings of stardom are meaningless to one such as I.

Remember, it's not the first time I've risen to these rarefied heights.

Okay, Arthur, we're ready for you.

What have I got to do?

Calm down.

I'm sure you'll be great.

Just be yourself.

Right, thank you, Annabel.

Let's get you into make -up, then.

Right -o.

Come on, Eggie.

Well, hello.

Right, good luck.

Remember, just be yourself.

Put this in your ear. I'll be there whenever you get into trouble, OK? Yes,

There we go.

All good?

OK,

on in ten, nine...

It's Count Arthur Strong.

Welcome to my mystical world of mesmerism.

Let's go to line one.

Hi, my name's Matt.

Where's Craig?

There is no Craig.

You said there was. My name is Sally Craig.

Oh, I see.

Craig's your husband.

Right then, Sally. Now we've got your name sorted out, we can get on to... I

can't remember why I called you now.

I told you.

I don't know if he's terrible or brilliant.

Well, look how long he's keeping him on the phone. It's taking him five minutes

to figure out their name.

How many calls, Andy?

It's a full list.

People like him.

Well, you can get it from the shops, can't you?

You're in a cave, I guess.

What are you talking about?

It stinks.

What? He's conning people.

Talking to them on the phone to get their money.

I've had my problems with idiot men, but this?

I never expected this.

All right, that's lovely.

Thank you.

Bye.

Oh!

Oh, my God! Look at you!

Will you please cheer up? What's going to happen?

What?

Something's going to happen. Everything's going too well.

What's it going to be?

What's what going to be? The thing. The terrible thing.

It's going to be big, I know it.

Michael?

Yeah?

The world doesn't work like that.

Yeah, I know.

You have just as much right to be happy as anyone else.

I know.

Thank you.

Michael!

I never got round to asking you if you saw my programme.

Yes, yes, yes, we did.

What did you think of it?

It's good, it's good.

I like it when you do your songs in your silly jokes. This does seem to be you

just... on the phone.

Yes, yes, but it's one step at a time. You can't expect to be on the Royal

Variety Performance after a week on the telly. You have to start small.

But even the tiniest acorn will one day grow into a... a massive chicken.

I hope you don't get too famous that you won't speak to me. Oh, it'll take much

more than the psychotic hotline to do that.

I think you'll find we have our heads screwed on tight around here.

Hi,

boys.

Hello. Hello, John.

All right, John.

Did you see the match last night? I did. They're looking quite handy at the

moment. Topped them.

Yeah. They could do with another striker, though. True, true.

What the hell was that?

What was what?

That. What's that?

Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a subtle effect. Not everybody does.

Subtle? He's got a cat on his head.

Hello, Michael Baker speaking.

Michael, Mr. Mason is running a bit late. Are you okay to hang on another

minutes? Um, yeah, that's fine. Thank you, thank you.

Just, uh, just waiting for a call from Bill Mason.

Doesn't matter. He's a famous director.

Oh, oh, oh, of course, Bill Mason, the famous director. Oh, yes, yes.

Hey. It's really happening for both of us, isn't it? How is Bill?

Do you know him? No.

But you know Oliver Reed?

Yep. I know him.

In the car with him. Oh, he's full of life, he is.

Not anymore.

What?

He's dead now, of course.

How are you expecting a phone call from him, then?

I'm not.

You said you were. No, I'm expecting a call from Bill Mason.

About Oliver Reed?

No. About a film. He wants me to write a film with him.

About Oliver Reed?

What then? Is Oliver Reed going to be in it?

No. I thought he was dead.

He is.

Then how is he going to be in the film?

Oliver Reed has got nothing to do with it. Then why do you keep going on about

it?

You brought him up. I didn't. You said you were expecting a call from him.

Michael, could you help me with something outside, please?

Oh, yes, yeah, of course.

What is it? Can I help you with... Oh.

All right. Oh.

Well, yes, I can help you with that.

Is Michael all right?

He seems a bit jumpy today.

I was expecting a phone call from Oliver Reed.

He's dead.

He is.

So I don't know how I was expecting a phone call.

You should answer that, Arthur.

Do you mind if we press straight on? I've just a small window, I'm afraid.

me introduce you around the room.

I'm here with Martin Stark.

Hi, Michael.

Oh, but... Sandra Clancy.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, but... Warren Stevens.

Hello. Oh, hello, Warren. Jake Mankiewicz.

Hello, Jake.

And Monica Freeman.

Hello there.

Oh, hello. That's a lovely name, that Monica, isn't it? You don't hear that

much these days, do you?

Is that everyone?

It is.

Right, let me tell you who I... got here with me.

I've got John, John the Watch.

Say hello, John.

What? Say hello.

Hello.

Hello, John.

Who am I speaking to?

Better get back in, but I won't notice.

Oh, I'll let him notice.

I could stay here all day at the phone call. The phone call! The phone call!

Hello, Monica.

That's a lovely name, isn't it?

You don't hear that very often these days, do you?

Sorry, Michael, who are these people?

Well, I keep trying to tell you I'm not Michael, but you and your friends just

keep saying hello.

Wait, is Michael even there?

Um, I think he might be on the toilet.

He was looking uncomfortable earlier, so it wouldn't surprise me.

Do you want me to bang on the door?

Hello?

Oh, it's all right. I just told him you were on the toilet.

Arthur.

Arthur, I need some advice.

All right, but you'll have to be quick. I'm expecting a very important call from

the studio.

Right, OK.

The terrible thing.

It happened.

What?

You remember Bill, the director of the film?

It's on.

But that's the good thing.

Yes, but I hadn't realised that he wants me to go to LA to work with him on it.

I could be gone...

gone for months.

It's such a big opportunity, I don't know what to do.

What shall I do?

Michael, if there's one thing I've learned, you've got to put your career

You'll never forgive yourself if you don't take this opportunity.

Sina will understand.

Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.

Since when did you have a mobile phone?

Hi, Annabelle.

I'll talk to you later, Michael. I hope that helped.

Joke, let's roll.

It's not him, Michael.

Sorry? That's not Arthur.

I don't know who it is.

He's changed.

John, too.

Can you have a word with him?

Yes, of course I can.

I just...

I just need to do something first.

Of course.

I totally agree with Arthur.

You can't turn this down.

Well, it is a life -changing opportunity, I suppose.

Exactly. I would not want to be the reason you say no to something like

And we can pick up where we left off, couldn't we? Of course we will.

Michael, I'm so happy for you. This is brilliant.

Oh. Oh, OK. I feel a bit better about it now, I suppose.

You ready, Michael?

Um, yes, yes, Iggy, of course.

We're going to go and see Arthur. Iggy thinks we need to stage an intervention.

I'll see you later.

Of course.

I'm just going to go and do the bench.

No, I'm just going to go.

Now, I'm sure you'll understand I have a certain position to maintain within

show business circles.

Then how can I do that with a loose toilet seat situation?

Suppose someone from the West End dropped in to say hello.

Michael Ball, for example.

I wouldn't know where to look if he fell into the toilet.

I'll get maintenance onto it for you.

That would be darling of you.

And this.

What is wrong with this picture?

I give up.

I particularly told you I like speckled bananas.

Are they speckled bananas?

And these? These plums have gone off.

They just go like that, though, don't they? Then I'm asking you to be vigilant

and remove them before they reach that stage.

To return once again to the Michael Ball scenario.

Can you imagine the embarrassment if the first thing he saw when he came in here

was my shriveled, withered plums?

word would spread like wildfire.

Why, I'll just take them out then, shall I?

Whatever happened to professionalism?

Nonsense! I'm a highly valued member of the psychotic community.

Annabelle was just saying that to me today.

She likes you because you keep people on the phone, Arthur.

I give good advice. I help people.

For £1 .90 a minute?

This is just a stepping stone for me, this is.

I'm on my way back to the top.

If you want something in this life, you have to go out and grab it. And that's

just what I'm doing.

What's the matter? Don't you want me to be successful?

Of course I want you to be successful, Arthur, but not like this. This is just

scam. If you just calmed down and thought about it for a few seconds,

that too.

Oh, and you're all right, aren't you, eh? Running off to America, getting a

off the back of my story.

It should be me going there. I know more about that world than you do.

You've just used me. Arthur, that's not fair.

Too right it's not fair.

It's not fair that I have to sit in the cafe while the world passes me by.

It's not fair that your dad left me just when things were getting going.

It's not fair that my story, my story, is the reason you're going to America.

It's not fair. It's not fair. None of it's fair.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got a show to do.

Goodbye, Arthur.

Arthur.

All right, that's enough. Get off.

Nice and quiet, please.

In ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three,

two, one.

I've made a terrible mistake.

Eggie, John.

Please don't leave.

Don't let Michael leave.

I've got something to say.

John, Eggie, I couldn't hope for better friends than you.

You can have all the bananas and water in the world, but it doesn't mean

anything if you haven't got anyone to share them with.

And Michael, that advice I gave you, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Seeing them is more important than anything.

Oh, for goodness sake, don't listen to me. I talk nonsense at the best of

And the same goes for the rest of you out there.

Don't go phoning premium numbers, getting advice from charlatans.

What did he say?

What did he say?

What the bloody hell's going on? Well, somebody's in there.

Who's he?

No one can see into the future.

It's all a show, a bit of fun.

But it isn't even that if you have to pay for it.

So what I want you to do today is put your telephones down, settle back, and

enjoy something a little bit different.

A one, two, a one, two, three. It's a long way to get around.

Are you sure you're making the right decision?

I am, Arthur.

I wasn't, but... this is absolutely the right thing to do.

Goodbye, Michael.

Well, he's back tomorrow night trying motivational speaking with a snappy

and dunce's cap.

It's Count Arthur Strong's radio show at 10 .30 on Radio 4 Extra.

Next tonight here on BBC One, satirical hats on for Have I Got Old News For You.