Original subtitles

Which ones do you think, then? These or these?

I don't know. They both look nice.

God, you're useless, you are. I don't know.

Just sit over there and wait for me if you're not going to be more helpful.

expected to hang your bloody trousers up.

That's not how it started.

Eh? That's not how it started.

It all started with Dinky Donk. Excuse me. I think I know how it started.

Don't snap at him. Don't tell Arthur not to snap at people.

Thank you, Eggie. Bye.

Bye. This has got to be a safe space.

We're not going to get anywhere if we argue. Yes, we are.

No, we're not. Yes, we are.

Arguing's constructive.

No, it's not.

OK,

look, Sina must have given up her evening for this. The least that we can

make an effort.

Sorry, Sina.

Sorry. All right.

Michael, what were you saying?

You think it started before Arthur's arrest.

Yes, yes, ages before that.

For me, it all started with Dinky Doc.

Do you know who I was thinking about the other day?

No.

Dinky Donk.

Dinky Donk.

Poor old Dinky Donk.

Dinky Donk?

It wasn't his real name.

Oh, so no relation to Lord and Lady Dinky Donk?

I don't think so.

He was a regular bit of an egghead, wasn't he, John? Yeah.

You remind me a little bit of him, actually.

Used to sit where you're sitting.

Right there.

Bit of a loner.

Never married.

The only friends he ever made were people like us.

People he met in the cafe.

One day, he just died.

In that chair.

Right in that chair.

Right in that very chair. Thank you. It's been lovely speaking to you.

You all right?

Tell him I reminded him of someone called Dinky Donk.

Oh.

What? Oh, well, he was a bit of an intellectual, like you, and,

you know... He was, shall we say, a lone wolf.

A lone wolf? That means lonely man.

You're calling me a lonely wolf man.

Well, you've never lived with anyone, have you?

You prefer your own company.

That means lonely man too.

Stop calling me a lonely man.

No, no, no. If you're going to start at the start, then start at the start. It

all began with the trouser fire.

I was literally just about to come on to that.

Yes, but it's a choice.

I could live with someone. I could live with someone if I wanted to.

Michael!

I need to move in with you immediately.

There's been a trouser fire.

A trouser fire?

The whole lot.

Open flames.

I'm getting quite sick of it, Michael.

Quite, quite sick of it.

So just your trousers went on fire?

Yes. Otherwise it would have just been a fire, wouldn't it?

Just your trousers? Nothing else in the room?

Yes, just my trousers.

Are you unfamiliar with the concept of a trouser fire, Michael?

Well, yes.

So why do you need to stay with me?

Do you have any idea what the smell of incinerated trousers is like?

Could be days before it's safe to open the front door.

Well, all right, then. Oh, no, no, don't put that there. Sorry.

Sorry, just can't afford many nice things, and that's a Philip Stark table.

Oh, gave you a lend of it, did he, till you could get a proper one?

Listen, don't worry about me. I'm very low maintenance.

Oh, except I will need the lend of a pair of trousers.

Oh, and some money to buy some new ones.

And a lift to the shop.

Oh, and if you could make me a cup of tea, that would be marvellous.

But don't worry about me.

You won't even know I'm here.

I didn't know Arthur could play the trumpet.

He can't.

Oh, how did it go?

Actually, it went well, at first.

Oh, I was going to. Oh, OK.

I don't need to. No, no, it's fine.

Are you sure?

Yes.

What is it?

Wheeler Dealers.

Oh, right.

Never watched it. What happens in that? Oh, we went for a treat.

The little one buys an old car and the tall one does it up.

And then what?

They sell it for a small loss.

Why? What?

Why?

Because... Because... Because we're the dealers.

Oh, right. Well, don't let me interrupt.

You see, it's totally unfair to compare me to Dinky Donk.

I can live with people.

What? I can't live with people.

What? Well, it's just, that's what Dinky Donk used to say. It was sort of his

catchphrase.

You can't live with people. You don't have enough patience.

You're impossible to live with. You get bored. That's why you abandoned me in

the shopping centre.

I don't know whether they expected you to hang your bloody trousers up.

Some people.

Occupy!

Occupy!

I didn't know I'd left the place.

It's these shops. You don't know where you are. All right, all right.

The lighting is at best frugal.

And the music's loud enough to burst your oil drums.

Earwigs. Oil rigs.

Eardrums. I had to rely almost entirely on my sense of smell to bypass the

ladies' underwear.

You should be giving me tea and biscuits.

I'm just a likeable old man.

I'm the victim in all this. Why is that, then? Because if you must know, I'm

still traumatised from unrecent trouser fire. Oh.

How much of it in your description has been taking stuff from shops in the

It wasn't me.

I haven't been in the area.

Well, you have, because we arrested you in the area.

You can't start arresting people willy -nilly because they're in areas.

All right, Arthur, how about this?

We have a witness to one of the jobs.

Would you agree to being in a line -up so we can rule you out?

Hey, you get paid for that when you do a line -up, don't you?

Not if you're a suspect.

Well, if you ask me, you should get more if you're a suspect.

Why? Star billing, obviously.

We're not paying you. Well, then, I refuse to do it.

Arthur. I plead habeas corpulent.

Please, Arthur. I refuse on the grounds I may inseminate myself.

Have you got a fiver on you?

I didn't abandon you. I looked for you.

No, he's got a coat and hat and glasses and... Oh, you'd know him if you'd seen

him. He doesn't look like anybody else on earth.

It was never quite the same after that.

I'm in here!

I'm in here!

I was getting a toothbrush.

It's all right. I'm not looking.

No, no, no, no. Not this. Not again. Not wheeler -dealers.

Oh, fine. We'll watch what you want to watch. I want to watch Game of Thrones.

That. It's all bums and dragons, isn't it?

Well, I like bums and dragons.

Stop

doing

that! What? I'm trying to watch this.

I need to get this done.

Why now?

Well, if you must do.

A close friend of mine died and I promised his widow I'd prepare the

his funeral.

A shroud?

You make shrouds?

Yes. It started as a hobby and it just blossomed.

I'm trying to watch this programme.

I'll do it quietly.

concentrate. Oh, all right.

Excuse me for trying to have a life.

Who's she?

A thirsty.

Who's he?

A brother.

I'm not going to watch another moment of that. I have a good mind to get Mary

Whitehouse on to you.

She's been dead for many, many years, Arthur. I'm not surprised with filth

this going on.

Where are my bananas?

I threw them out. They'd gone off. I happen to like specialty bananas!

And how many days into the relationship was this?

It was day two.

And that's... was when you turned... to him.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Well, for me, it all started when Michael changed seats in the cafe.

How are you, John?

Sorry?

How are you?

Oh, very well, thanks.

Actually, do you mind if I, uh... Sit down here, across from you.

I suppose not.

Wow.

Never sat here before.

Feels weird.

I like it.

People don't pay much attention to me, usually.

I suppose I was flattered.

story, John.

It's nine to one, you say?

Yeah.

It wasn't even one of the favourites. That's right.

That's hysterical.

Oh, John.

You're like a breath of fresh air.

Why do you think it was that you were drawn to John?

I suppose I was getting a...

A little tired of Arthur.

Just fancied a change.

Well, for that thing, she just sort of... took off.

And

that's

where Eggie came in.

Hmm? Iggy, do you want to tell your story?

Oh.

I thought we were happy.

That wasn't true.

Evening classes, she said, she was doing.

No, not that, Iggy. We did that in the storeroom. He means when you saw Michael

and John together in that cafe.

Oh. Oh, right.

I told Iggy I was seeing her mother, like you said.

But I still don't understand why we're speaking of my own.

I don't know. I just think it's prudent.

Oh, these buns are nice.

Nice little bullets, buns.

Are you all right?

It's just my neck.

I think I might have tweaked it or something.

I just get so tense with Arthur at home these past few days.

Let's have a look.

Oh, here you go, John. Thank you.

Oh, that's lovely.

Oh.

Oh, God. John, sit down. Sit down. Quickly, John, sit down.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Iggy saw us.

So?

It's not good.

Why?

I don't know.

What is going on here?

Why are you sitting in the dark?

Because, Michael, I seem to spend most of my time in the dark these days.

What do you mean?

Here.

What is it?

As if you didn't know.

It's a betting slip.

Your betting slip.

Where did you find this?

I accidentally found it whilst going through your jacket pocket.

You've been going through my clothes.

How dare you? I've had no choice, Michael.

I was frantic with Laurie.

It was coming up to tea time and you hadn't called.

I thought there might be some clue, some sign as to where you were.

I had visions of your twisted, mangled body lying in the wreckage of some

terrible bus crash.

But I never would have suspected this.

It's John, isn't it?

What? No.

Tell me the truth, Michael. At least you owe me that.

You were seen.

So it's true.

No, don't deny it. Your eyes have said a mouthful.

It's not like that.

He makes me laugh.

I don't know.

It's not serious. I could end it any time I wanted. No.

Don't tell me any more lies.

Please leave.

This is my flat.

Anyway, we've had it out and he admitted it.

I've left now. I'm back home.

You're too good for him, Arthur.

The thing is, I left all my underpants on the radiator in his living room.

Do you think you could collect them for me, Eggie? I haven't got the strength to

go back there, and I'm running short since the underpants fire.

Underpants fire?

Yes, they usually follow a trouser fire.

You've had a terrible month, Arthur. Of course I will.

Oh, look out.

What is going on? Ask him.

Michael, what is going on?

Don't ask.

Hi, Eggie.

Hello, Michael.

Do you want to join me?

No, thank you.

I'm here to arrange a mutually favourable time wherein I may call to

Arthur's underpants.

Right, this afternoon, about three o 'clock?

That would be convenient.

I shall call at three.

This isn't right.

Look, if you all want to pretend you're married, that's one thing, but falling

out over it is ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Hey!

I saw the lights and I thought we were being robbed.

Go away, Bullock. We're doing something.

What? Haven't you noticed how tense it's been?

Yes, but I like it like that.

Listen, if there is a problem, it's because of Idiot Man.

Idiot Man is the cause of every problem.

It's always Idiot Man.

You haven't always said that.

Okay, maybe there was a moment.

Just a moment.

When the future looked bright, it felt to be opened.

But it didn't last long.

Oh, hello, welcome.

Good day, good day.

What can I do for you?

Am I right in thinking that a cafe has opened in the area?

This is the cafe. My name is Count Arthur Strong, and I would just like to

welcome you to the neighbourhood on behalf of the Society for Tasting Food,

Health and Safety, which I am the boss of.

Okay. To put it in layman's terms, we offer a service inspecting free food.

You want free food? Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you. I'll have double egg

and chips.

You're making a joke.

Very good.

Yes, that's right. That's what I'm doing.

Just to be absolutely clear, is the offer of free food still on the table?

No, there is no offer.

So, that's withdrawn.

What? The offer.

There is no offer. There is no offer of what?

Free food.

Oh! Thank you very much. I'll have double egg and chips, please. I'm not

offering free food.

Idiot man.

It's always idiot man.

Who's idiot man?

me that what's happened is there's been a breakdown in trust so we're going to

start with some trust exercises now what you do is fall back with your eyes

closed and trust us to catch you i thought you said you were gonna catch

me we weren't ready oh you did that on purpose you did how's it my fault none

us were ready oh i'm not doing that again do a different trust exercise help

up no not you I don't trust you. Thank you.

Good start.

All right.

I'm going to throw this tennis ball, and if you catch it, you've got to say one

thing you regret.

Ooh.

Sorry,

what am I doing again?

If you catch the ball, you have to say something you regret.

I regret doing that trust exercise.

You don't have the ball.

For the right of me cocktits.

If I can't have children now, it's all your fault.

You don't have the ball, Arthur.

You see? You see? John has the ball.

Oh, sorry. No, don't throw it. You're supposed to say something you regret.

I'll do it.

Right, one thing I regret is... ..that I took a train once and I

left someone behind.

Someone I cared about very much.

Well, thank you, Michael.

I appreciate your candour.

But it doesn't change anything.

I've passed a lot of water since then.

And a bridge.

And I'm not going to jump in that and swim upstream in a hurry again.

It's disgusting.

Let's try this.

You have to say four things about each other that you like.

That's simple enough, isn't it?

Right.

What I like about you, um, is, um... One of the things I

like about you... Oh, shut up!

Something will come to me in a minute.

Shall I start?

No, I'm having my go. Don't be so pushy.

This would be much easier if we could say what we didn't like. Can't we do

You're pushy.

Pushy, pushy, pushy. No, no.

And your hair, such as it is, quite frankly, borders on the idiotic.

Arthur!

Oh, all right, this is silly.

Simon, let's show them how to do it.

What?

How long have you been there?

I came in around about the bit where you had the affair with John.

Let's do this one.

We say four things about each other we like.

Four things?

Yep.

You're beautiful.

Thanks, but, you know... What?

Well, something a bit more... I don't understand.

I hope there's something more than that.

Oh, come on, see, it's hard when you're put on the spot like that, to be fair.

I'm sure when Simon said that you're beautiful, he meant on the inside.

You know, that you're kind and honest and fun and loving and generous and...

Open and playful and silly.

Just... Just lovely.

That's what you meant, isn't it?

Yeah, and very good -looking.

Now you do me.

What?

Do me now.

Four things you like about me.

OK.

The first thing I like about you is...

Think we should see other people

I like your place.

Oh, thank you.

It feels a bit weird now that Arthur's gone.

Yes, back to being a lone wolf.

I've realised all this nonsense over the past few weeks.

We were just playing.

Playing at not being alone.

But we are alone.

Me, Arthur, Eggie, John.

We're all just...

It's just a bunch of dinky donks.

I never did that to dinky donk.

Michael! I forgot!

I think we should see other people.

I think you were absolutely right.

We should see other people.

No good surrounding yourself with the same faces every day. You need a bit of

variety. Aha! Here they are!

Lovely bunch of lads.

You're in a good mood?

So are you.

Yesterday was very cathartic for me, and I realise I take life too seriously.

And Arthur?

He's just one man.

What can I do for you four fine gentlemen?

You can watch Count Arthur whenever you like.

This BBC DVD is out now.

Next tonight, have I got old news for you, Jeremy Clarkson in the driving

or in five minutes over on BBC Two, catch up with Dragon's Den.