Original subtitles

It's a good idea, isn't it, giving us all a psychiatric test?

You want them mad, but not too mad.

That's just what I'm like. Everybody says that. They say, Arthur, you're mad,

you, but you're not too mad. You're just the right amount of mad for whatever

this programme is you're doing.

Celebrity flat share.

That's the one.

So we're just going to have a little chat to check that you'll be able to

understand the day -to -day rigours of life in the flat with whichever

has chosen to go in with you. I've been getting a lot of offers like this ever

since I punched that politician in the head.

I suppose you're here to make sure I don't start punching whoever else you

Chris Akabusi or whatnot.

Well, the main thing is... I can honestly say, hand on heart, I would

Chris Akabusi if he started it.

Well, that's good, isn't it? So, I do hope that set your mind at rest on the

akabusi front.

Absolutely. I do. That is a bit of a coup, getting him on board. How did you

manage that?

No, he's not. Why does he have a problem with me?

What have I ever done to him? I've never even met the man.

If you ask me, it's him you should be having a word with.

Going round, saying... that.

Let's try some word association, shall we?

I'll say a word and you say the first word that comes into your head.

I'm sorry.

Let's carry on.

Did Les Dennis do this?

It's a requirement, yes.

You don't know what he scored, do you? No, no.

There isn't a score as such. It's not that kind of test.

Ah, failed it, did he? I thought so.

This is not something you can fail. Now, please.

Tennis.

Penis.

Penis. That's not a word.

It is. It isn't. It is. It isn't. It is. I've watched them playing it. You've

watched them playing tennis.

Who?

What?

Who have I watched playing tennis?

I don't know.

Well, how do you expect me to know?

Did you mean penis?

I beg your pardon?

Did you mean penis? How dare you?

Anyway, that's not a word. It is. It isn't. It is.

Oh, yes, it is.

It's one of those words that sound strange when you say it out of context.

Let's move on, shall we?

Penis. Oh, please, yes.

What programme?

Celebrity Flatshare.

I haven't seen it.

It's a programme that categorises Arthur as a celebrity. Of course you haven't

seen it. But he's not doing it.

What? The programme.

He was in this morning and he was so angry about it.

It was great fun.

He failed the psychiatric evaluation.

He's demanding to see it.

Oh.

What's all this?

Because Arthur now thinks he's a celebrity, I'm getting all of his mail.

He doesn't want to give his address out to anyone anymore because of lunatics.

Arthur is afraid of lunatics.

Have you made your mind up yet? Oh, I just don't know.

Oh, I'm losing the will to live.

I'll tell you why he failed the brain test.

He's unstable.

He's too dangerous to do on television.

No, Arthur's lovely.

He is deranged.

Can't it be something in the middle?

Lovely and deranged? Ah, you English.

What? You love to sit on the fence.

Pick a side, for God's sake. Yes, and please, please, Michael, will you make

a... Oh, I'm sorry, Phenom, I just don't know.

OK,

I will have a little bit of milk. Yes, please.

I've seen him. Can I have a glass of water for Eggie, please?

Is everything all right?

Oh, not really.

Some bloke came round to fix his boiler, made him sign to pay him by the hour,

and then he took him for 200 quid. Boiler isn't even fixed.

I'm so stupid.

How much you are on yourself, mate? 200 pounds.

He stood over me at the cash point, said he'd call a policeman if I didn't pay.

Eggie, it's not your fault.

It's what they do.

I've seen him. Remember when this happened to Mum?

Oh, yeah.

If I could get my hands on him.

I didn't see the last of him round here.

And what's the chances of somebody else we know using the same guy?

Yeah, I can see the problem.

Relatively simple fix. Should be out of your hearing in an hour or so.

First celebrity flat share falls through, then my boiler packs in. Been a

terrible month, this has.

Yeah, so I'll have to get the paperwork out of the way. Do you know, it's funny.

I always thought I'd make a good plumber. Oh, yeah?

I don't know why.

Perhaps it's because I'm a strong swimmer.

Now, you might be able to tell me this.

Do they have plumbers on submarines?

I don't know. Because there's a twisted logic going on there, isn't there? It's

like they're in the pipe, trying to keep the water outside.

No, rather than on the outside, trying to keep the water in.

The exam's different, do you think? Because it is a different discipline,

it? Yeah. Anyway, can you just sign this?

Oh, hello.

The penny's dropped, has it? Oh, I get this all the time.

Never mind your bit of paper. I've got some photos over here. I'll sign one of

these for you.

No, no.

I need you to sign this so I can start.

What did you say your name was again?

Yeah, it's Phil, but look... To Phil.

I'll never forget all the laughs, Arthur.

I don't want your autograph.

Oh, it's for a friend, is it? What's his name? No.

Oh, or her name.

Is there a Mrs. Phil you haven't told me about?

No. It's all right. You're entitled to a private life. I've obviously touched a

nerve there.

I'll not prod you further.

What did you say her name was?

I need you to sign this, or I can't bloody charge you. Well, why didn't you

so?

Wasting my time asking me for my autograph for your wife.

Why can't I just be an ordinary person for once?

Must I constantly be harassed by members of the public trying to get something

from me?

I'm just a regular Joe, like you, Phil. Well, not like you, because I'm famous

and you're a plumber.

But I do have a life, you know, Joe.

I can't keep signing autographs morning, noon and night for you and your wife.

Just saw in the document.

All right, all right.

Have you got a pen?

You've got it. No, I haven't. You just signed your autograph with it. You

want my autograph.

No, I didn't. Then why would I sign an autograph?

I don't know. You just did.

Did I? Yes.

Wait a minute. There it is. Yes, there.

There you are. That's for you. I don't want it.

You just asked me for it. I asked for the pen.

Oh, there you go.

No, I don't want the pen.

You just said you did.

I wanted it for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Just sign!

I've not done that yet. No!

Well, that's because I've not seen your credentials.

I don't sign just anything, you know. There are a lot of funny people out

Oh, no.

Where are my glasses? I'll look at the photos.

in those?

What possible use are those?

I'll just put them carefully back.

These

are

the ones with no glass in them.

What possible use are those?

I'll just put them carefully back.

Oh, listen.

You sound like you might look like the photo I can't see on your identity card,

so I'll trust you.

It's a standard document. It just states you've agreed to have the work done and

that you'll pay the usual rate upon receipt of the signature.

Right -o.

There we go.

Now, you'll have a cup of tea before you start, won't you?

That'd be lovely, Arthur.

All work and no play makes Jack and Jill went up the hill.

I'll put a pail of water on.

What a tick.

Take your time.

Steve, it's Phil.

Yeah, that's a go at Rossier Street.

Might get a couple of days out of this one.

He's off his nut.

Listen, better take the card out to the newsagents.

I think more than two jobs in the same area is pushing it.

Yeah, see you.

Sugar and a biscuit.

Because I'm afraid I don't have either of those things.

You can't hide from this synonym.

Manipulative and cunning.

Brilliant.

Grandiose sense of self. What's this?

From a website about serial killers.

Listen, who did this remind you of?

Lack of remorse, shame or guilt.

Arthur. Arthur. It's definitely Arthur. Poor behavioural controls. Lack of

realistic life plan.

These are the core qualities of a sociopath.

The core qualities of a sociopath.

I tell you, he's a time bomb.

He's dangerous.

Tick, tick, tick.

He is one of the sweetest people we get in here. Michael, please.

Get off the fence, fence boy!

Listen, oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause, does not accept

blame themselves, but blames others for acts they have obviously committed.

It's like he's in the room.

What is it?

It's from the TV people.

OK.

I think it might be a psychiatric evaluation.

Open it!

Who has poor behavioural controls?

You can't read it. No, no, no, of course I can't. No, that would be like...

secretly looking right into his mind.

Open it! You can't. No, no, of course not. It would be an outrageous breach of

trust. No, it would be like... finally finding out once and for all...

The true nature of Count Arthur Strong.

Michael!

Thanks

for the tea,

Arthur. Oh, it's all right, is it? I didn't make one for myself because of

the water looked like.

Expect you'll be wanting to, you know... Yeah, well, it won't fix itself, will

it? Do you know where the stopcock is? It's through that door there.

Here, I'll make you another cup of that tea you like.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

No, why not?

Because Zina told me not to. And she's right.

And she's looking at us.

And she's walking towards us.

What?

A very, very funny joke. Very, very funny.

I like funny jokes.

Well, you'll like this one.

Well, it's a bit of a man joke.

It's a little bit crude. Wouldn't want you to... Well, I can take it.

It's really very crude.

It's horrible.

Oh, it's horrible?

Come on, then.

Okey -dokey.

What do you call birds, girls, who enjoy

assignations with gentlemen of

questionable repute?

I don't know.

Rotten ladies.

Both of you, I'm not going to read it.

Read it. Don't read it. Shut up, both of you.

Tell you, one day he's really going to hurt someone.

And you guys will be to blame.

Just wait and see.

Tick, tick, tick.

down the cellar steps.

There was one missing, I forgot to tell you about that.

The people that had fallen down those cellar steps.

I'm just about to fix it.

What have you done to my legs?

Ah, no. I've took the precaution of putting splints on them, just in case

they're broken.

Just some old bits of fencing and rope I had lying about.

Don't worry, those nocks are completely secure.

I used a double barrel hitch and a fisherman's knob.

He himself would not be able to get out of those. Oh, yes.

Where are my clothes?

Did you put me in these pyjamas?

I did, yes. A friend gets me them from the hospital.

Well, they'd only incinerate them if I didn't have them.

What? Did someone die in these?

They did, yes.

You wouldn't think in this day and age you could die of psoriasis.

No! No!

Now, can I get you anything?

Yes, you can get me out of this right now!

Oh, no, no, Phil.

You're still in a state of shock.

I'm no doctor, but freeing you now would result in a massive heart attack.

Is there anything else I can do for you? My phone.

Get me my phone. Your phone. Right, now, that I can do. Where would I find that?

It was in my jacket pocket.

Oh, no, there was nothing in your jacket.

It must have come out when you fell.

It's in the cellar, then. Right -o.

And my wallet.

Yeah, give me that. There was a lot of money in it. Right -o, Phil. Your wallet

and your phone are right at the top of my to -do list.

After you've had some lovely soup.

I don't want any soup.

Just get me my clothes.

Ah, your clothes.

Um, I'm afraid there's not much left of your clothes.

Why? I had to cut them off with some scissors.

What for?

I saw it on an episode of Casualty.

Phil, I don't want to hear another word about it. You can stay here as long as

it takes. Now I'll get you that soup.

I don't want any soup.

And after you've eaten it all up, we can have a game of Cluedo.

Oh, it's lovely having people to stay.

Cluedo doesn't work with two people.

There we are.

Some...

made soup. This'll put hairs on your head.

Did you get my phone? I did, yes. I found it.

Oh, this is a snazzy one, isn't it?

Can I have it? Does it take photos and all that? Because some of them do, you

know. I saw one with a calculator.

Oh, it does.

Shall we do a selfie like they did at the Oscars?

Hang on a minute.

You know, years ago, this phone would have had wires on it and it would have

been connected to the wall.

And you wouldn't have been able to take photographs on it. That would have been

called a camera.

Oh, we lived in a different world.

Please give me my phone.

Not until you've had a bit of soup. I don't want soup.

Now, now, you've got to eat your soup or you'll grow effeminate.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I just want my phone.

No, I'm going to have to be firm.

Soup first, then phone.

Go on, then.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

wipe it up.

Nothing worse than beef broth over a dead man's Jim Jams.

I don't even want soup. Just give me my phone.

Oh, all right.

But as soon as you finish your call, you eat your soup.

Oh, never mind, Phil.

There's lots more soup where that came from.

Boil up some more bones.

Oh, God.

I have to say, I'm a tiny bit annoyed with you.

There I was downstairs slicing up a nice bit of liver for our dinner when I

heard you thumping about on the floor.

How do you expect to get better with that sort of carry -on? It won't do,

It won't do at all.

Look, I can't stay here. You've got to phone my office and let them know what's

happened. You've got a phone, haven't you? Of course I have.

I get most of my offers of work over the phone. You can't be without a phone in

my profession.

Then please, call my office.

How am I supposed to do that?

With the phone.

It's been disconnected.

Oh, hang on a second.

There's a phone box outside.

I can nip out to that and tell your office what's happened. Thank you.

Thank you. I have to say, you're doing awfully well, Phil.

I'm very impressed with how you haven't tried to scratch what must be by now

extremely itchy legs.

I don't know why. Because when my friend was in a similar situation to you,

after a disastrous attempt to disrupt the Grand National, he would not stop

going on about his excruciatingly itchy legs.

My legs are driving me mad, he would say. It feels like ants are crawling up

down them, nipping me incessantly.

Yeah. Yeah, I can feel something.

Oh, for goodness sake, you don't want to start thinking about it. Thinking about

it would make it far, far worse.

You don't want that.

I'll phone your office.

Tell them you won't be in for a few weeks.

It's happening.

What's happening? The time bomb is going off. What are you talking about?

A man in Arthur's house. I saw him. I saw a hand.

What do you mean, a hand?

In the window, I saw a hand reaching for help. I don't want to hear it. Maybe

it's Arthur.

He might be hurt.

I'm going to check his door, right? I'm coming with you.

We have to give me the lock.

I've got to see him.

Arthur?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't worry, we are coming.

He might be hurt.

It might hurt us.

Look.

A book full of glasses.

The glasses of all the people you killed.

No, no, no. I'm sure they're Arthur's. Look at this.

How possible you thought this?

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

It's up in the letter.

Oh,

this

is

ridiculous. I know Arthur.

Don't tell what that letter says. Just put the whisker away before you hurt

someone.

He comes back. There's a knife over there.

Arthur did this to you? He's a monster.

Aha!

Where's he gone? What's happened?

These pyjamas are from the hospital.

Somebody died in them.

Arthur did this to your legs?

Yeah. He saw it on casualty. He was going to make me play Cluedo with him.

Cluedo doesn't work with two people.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

Will you help me? He's a sociopath. He's an actual real... Silence of the Lambs

folk, don't you think?

It's been awful.

It was like he wanted me to stay here forever, with him.

Whatever I said, he just... Don't worry, you're safe with us.

I'm back, Hill!

I hope you didn't miss me too much.

I think your office was closed for the night.

How about I mash a banana up for you with a bit of milk?

They don't need to know the details

very strange, Eggie. He just ran off and left all this behind. But if it was the

same man, I'd say he was almost asking me to return this money to you, along

with an extra hundred for all the trouble he caused you.

Oh, Arthur, I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say, Eggie. It's just one of those things.

So, he was the same guy that was supposed to fix Eggie's boiler?

Yeah. Anybody appear, sir?

And Arthur didn't know that?

He says he didn't. He knew.

Oh, he didn't.

I told you, Arthur's just a sweet old man.

He's a psychopath.

What do you think, Michael?

I'm still on the fence.

I tell you, being trapped in that house with that old man,

Somehow the whole experience just changed my life.

I quit that place.

Now I run my own company. All legitimate.

No more scamming for me.

I'm glad to hear that.

Such a terrible experience, though.

Do you ever think about it?

Who ordered the soup?

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