Original subtitles

Do you know what time it is?

It's unbelievable, isn't it? It's half one in the morning.

Someone should do something.

Nasty. You must have had a reaction to the wiper fluid.

You do understand why I have to, but... Yeah, because Frankenstein... He's the

doctor.

The monster is the monster, but Dr. Frankenstein is the man who created it.

Everything has to be right with you, hasn't it? What are you chatting about?

Something fun?

Can I be part of this fun chat?

All right.

Calm down. I didn't know it was ready.

I've been shouting my head off. I can't hear you over the fryer. Yes, because

you're having a chatty party with Mr. Winky.

Perhaps you could get a little bell.

What did you say?

Perhaps you could get a little bell.

A little bell?

Yes.

That is what you are saying to me.

That is your suggestion.

A little bell.

Yes. I'm sorry.

Don't be. It's a fantastic idea.

It is? It is. It's fantastic.

Oh.

Actually, also, maybe... No more tips on how to run my business.

Roger. You got lucky with the little bell. Of course.

What is wrong with your face? Are you doing a pirate?

He had a run -in with Frankenstein.

Frankenstein? Is that a pirate?

action to windscreen wiper fluid. What are you drinking that for?

Are you drowning your sorrows? No, no.

It's a slippery slope, that Michael, once you start with us.

Oh, that looks nasty.

What happened?

He's been drinking wiper fluid.

That's a slippery slope, Michael.

You sold him. He will listen.

I am not a wiper fluid alcoholic.

Well, let's just admit you have a problem.

I don't have a problem.

He's doing a pirate.

I am not doing a pirate. The great pirate Frankenstein.

Frankenstein wasn't a pirate. He was a big monster with a bolt in his neck. No,

he was a doctor.

Oh, what?

Wouldn't want him telling me I was pregnant.

You do have some funny ideas, Michael.

Morning. Morning.

Oi, what do you think you're doing?

Seeing him. I give them permission.

Why? Publicity. It can't hurt.

This is exactly the sort of small local business that my party is supporting.

Mr... Bulland. Bulland. Hello.

Has built a thriving business. This is the message we're trying to get across.

We can do anything.

I'll have the full English, please.

Or should I say the full Turkish?

What an amusing statement.

Here, you.

I've got a boat to pick with you.

Oh, yes?

When are you going to do something about that noise at night?

Bloody roadworks keeping me awake till all hours.

Well, if there's a problem, let's work together to sort it out.

We can do anything.

Well, you'd better do something about it. If I get woken up, I have terrible

trouble getting back to sleep again. And if I do, I have nightmares.

I had one last night.

I was up at three, and a witch was climbing up after me. Oh, it was

In the end, I had to kick her in the face.

But it didn't matter. She just kept coming and coming.

Thank goodness I turned into a bird and flew away.

I'm not sure there's much I can do in this particular case. Oh, for heaven's

sake, why not?

Because I can't control green.

But your body first, though, clearly states we can do anything.

Yes, but it... Shouldn't it surely say we can do certain things?

No, it's... Can you do anything?

Oh, well, I think... Can you do anything?

I'm not... Can you do anything?

Can you do... Anything.

It's hardly reasonable. Can you do anything? Answer the question.

I think we need to move on. Thank you very much. Yes.

Thank you for your questions.

You told him, Arthur.

He didn't know what to say, did he? He's only running because he wants to be an

MP one day. He doesn't have any interest in this area.

It's politics.

It's all nonsense, isn't it?

That's not a good attitude. Imagine if everyone felt like that. Everyone does

feel like that.

Look where it gets us. Nowhere.

Politics is too important to be left to politicians, Arthur. You have to get

involved. People power.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about our civic duty.

Our duty to stand up and be counted.

So what you're saying is you think Arthur should run for local elections?

Oh, dear Lord, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

It's very kind of you, Michael, but that's simply not possible.

I'm not suggesting it.

It's no good leaving politics to the politicians, Arthur.

No, they're the ones who know what they're doing. I must say, I do find

proposal tempting, though, Michael.

No proposal, not proposing. Really, really don't think you should do it. No,

I've just got far too much on at the moment. Thank God.

I appreciate that, Michael.

It's nice to know you have faith in me.

I don't.

pushed the wood just so far.

Ah, don't worry, don't worry, you lot. I'll put a stop to this.

In fact, I would like to take this occasion to officially announce my

for election.

Now we'll see what's what.

Well done, Eggie.

They'll have to take us seriously now.

That's the signs done. Now we'll have a think tank to form the policies for our

manifesto. I want this to be an open forum, so come on, people, ideas.

You're all as much a part of this as I am.

Well... I'll get the ball rolling.

National hat allowance.

What's that?

Just that everybody gets a small payment towards their hat budget.

Well, we don't have a hat budget.

Stop thinking about yourself, John. We're all in it together.

Yes, of course, John.

Three glasses.

The expensive ones they do, that they won't let you touch.

Three expensive glasses.

For everybody, Arthur.

No, just me. I mean, yes.

Michael, I owe you a great debt of thanks.

Nay, the country owes you a great debt of thanks. No, you don't. This was not

idea. Whatever is about to happen is not my fault.

If it's a fight they want, we can have one.

I used to box in the army, you know.

I didn't know that, Arthur.

Oh, yes, Eggie. I had good early form, but no stamina. So if I didn't win the

fight immediately, I was as good as dead.

It's those self -same qualities I want to bring to this fight.

These signs are all spelt wrong.

They're all spelt wrong.

Every single one of them.

Hands of our pensions.

Do you realise that means less than nothing? That means that pensions have

hands.

Well spotted, Michael. You can be head of communications.

No, I cannot.

But I will just do this one sign. You cannot go out with this sign looking

that. He's like the signs mum.

Michael is head of communications.

No, I am not.

Oh, be their head of communications.

What? Are you joking?

Can you imagine what Arthur would be like with any power?

Well, he's not likely to win, is he?

Hasn't anybody else got any ideas? Come on, people, this is supposed to be a

fish tank.

We need to ban eggs.

Oh, well, yes, Aggie, but we have to tread carefully there. That is a much

controversial issue than me getting a new hat and glasses.

We don't want to scare off the voting floaters.

But listen, we need something else, something that will really woo the

electricians.

Yes, exactly.

Something to woo the expectorate.

A phrase that would really stick in people's minds, like, we're on to you.

That sounds threatening.

Does it? Yes.

What you need to focus on is something they don't do, like listening.

That's the problem with politicians, they don't listen.

So how about, we're listening.

Brilliant, that's it.

We're listening. Good idea, Michael.

Oh, well, that's why I'm your head of communications.

Right, now let's talk about me getting a new patio.

Well, what we really need round here is a lot more... Excuse me, I actually

hadn't finished.

Let me get a word in.

And that is why our message to you is we're listening.

And with that in mind, could I count on your support for the upcoming...

Thing that's coming up.

It's not a difficult word. It's just jumped out of my head.

You know, everyone... Oh, you know.

You put your mark on a piece of paper.

Oh, you know.

Then they count them and one person becomes a kind of king who tells you

do. What is the word?

I'm sorry.

I don't... Oh, you know.

Eggie, what's the word for the thing I'm doing?

Canvassing? No, the thing it's all for.

Thing it's all for?

Yes. Oh, come on, you know.

The thing that happens at the end.

At the end?

Yes.

Elections? Elections!

So, can we count on your support?

Now you may speak.

Never in the field of human conflict, and I believe this passionately, have I

stood before you with a clear mandate.

As I think I said to you in Blackpool, we are all in this together, and there

are some tough choices to be made.

You know, she really was the people's princess.

And if elected, I promise I will represent you fully in getting all this

stuff from the roadworks that's waking me up all night long.

This is my solemn pledge to you.

Security in Britain's future.

Time to roll up our sleeves. You don't need an apostrophe on a plural.

This is our fight. Are you kidding me?

More important than that, I want you to get...

That we're here. We're not going anywhere.

And we're listening.

I'm sorry, I'm not answering any questions. I've got to go somewhere.

It's all for me. I'm sure you'll all agree.

So, why are you head of security?

What are your credentials?

My credentials?

20 years ago, I formed part of a security team protecting Princess

Kenya.

One day she was stopping in Harrods and a man approached her.

He reached for his jacket pocket and... I still feel ashamed today.

I ran away.

You ran away?

Yeah. I panicked.

Where did he go?

I hit a McDonald's.

They're not really credentials.

I don't understand what you mean.

Just... we're listening.

To what?

To you.

But I'm not saying anything.

Well, you ought to say something, because if you do, I'll be here,

it. What kind of thing?

Well, I don't know.

Something about crime.

What about crime?

What are you asking me for? I'm the one that's listening.

I've just said that.

Actually, can I use your toilet?

Put her down as undecided.

Right, come on, let's go to the next one.

We should go round, Arthur.

I'm going this way.

Through the bush?

We should just go round.

Not going all the way down there, then all the way back up here. Why don't you

just go straight?

I can't guarantee your safety if you go through the bush.

Oh, come on, John. I know you'd take a bullet for me, but you can't hold my

in every situation.

I'm a man of the people.

your toilet.

Put her next door down as undecided as well.

She seemed pretty decided.

I think the problem, Arthur, is you're coming across less as a politician and

more as a strange crawling toilet hedgeman.

Yes, yes.

So you're not really listening to people.

Oh, shut up, will you? Someone's coming.

Right, I'm leaving.

I must have corrected these signs.

What? Good afternoon.

Would you like to vote for me? Because if you would, I would be prepared to

listen to you. What?

I'm standing on a buy -parmesan platform.

And if elected, I would work very hard for you and your fellow, um,

What would you do then?

I'm glad you asked me that.

First thing at the very top of my agenda on day one would be to allow betting in

cafes. Oh.

I like the sound of that.

The light will be off then.

What did you say? Are you interested?

I'm very interested.

I've never been able to understand why that's illegal.

Wonderful. Perhaps you'd like to sign here and become a member of our mailing

group. And we're going to ban eggs.

What? Shoo, Shaggy, stop saying that. You're going to ban eggs? What my

for... What are you a minister of? Health. What my minister for health

that eggs will be placed under review. We plan to have a referendum.

Why?

Oh, Hitler ate eggs. Shush, Eggie.

So, can we count on your support?

Oh, if you're getting rid of eggs.

I like eggs.

Ha -ha! Who doesn't like eggs? I don't. They're delicious.

But your health minister just said... He's not my health minister.

What? Yes, I am. No, you're not. I've changed it. You can be minister for

Northern Ireland.

Sorry, I need to think about this.

I'd like to put bets on in cafes, but not if there's no eggs.

Good luck to you.

Eggie, stop talking about Hitler, at least until we're elected.

Hello?

Listen! Listen to me!

Come over, Michael, and I'll show you why this fight is so important.

No, it's all very important.

Michael, get yourself over here right now!

We need to talk about strategy.

Come, we'll get fresh.

As soon as I'm in power, I'll be coming for you, whoever you are.

Please, please, please shut up.

Do you hear that? That's the voice of the people telling you to shut up.

Arthur. Arthur.

Who are you shouting at?

It's a nightmare, isn't it?

What is?

The roadworks.

There aren't any roadworks.

What?

There aren't any roadworks.

Well, what's everyone complaining about then?

You. They're complaining about you shouting.

I think you might have tinnitus, Arthur. Dad had it. It gets worse when it's

quiet. The roadwork.

So you're saying my whole campaign is based on imaginary roadworks?

Maybe it was the bop thing. Didn't you say you used to bop?

I did.

That was my best fight.

I lasted four seconds.

I trained myself to get the first punch in as soon as the fight started.

If I missed me, that was as good as dead.

Now it's happening again.

I'm just one of life's losers, Michael.

Oh, Arthur, come on.

Don't be like that.

Maybe you didn't have the stamina to be a boxer, and maybe you're too impatient

and annoying to be a good politician, but...

You... No, I don't think there's a positive way to end that sentence.

Oh.

Look, for the minute, why don't we just imagine that I've made a rousing and

reassuring speech that makes you feel like everything's going to be OK?

I will imagine that.

Thank you, Michael.

The words I imagined you saying have touched me deeply.

Please, it really was the least I could do.

You've always believed in me, Michael.

No, I haven't.

But as long as you never have any real power or any degree of responsibility

over people's lives, I am proud to be on your team.

What are you doing?

Iggy came up with the idea of pouring some warm stuff in my ears to wash out

tinnitus.

I don't think that's a good idea, Iggy.

Is it not?

Too late now, anyway.

He knows what he's doing, Michael. He's Minister for Health.

Northern Ireland.

Oh.

And he is Head of Security.

I'd say that constitutes an assault.

Hey! What?

It's not very... A tiny bell, you said.

I didn't say tiny. Whatever the hell, it was a terrible idea.

No, no, I'm taking advice from customers about my business. No more ideas from

you. Terrible idea, man.

Maybe a bigger bell?

That's brilliant.

Is that better?

Are you talking?

He's completely deaf.

I can't hear a bloody thing.

He can't run a campaign like this.

But just wing it, Arthur.

You'll be fine. Agree with everyone.

Are you talking now?

And they put all the rubbish out on the street, don't even sort it out properly,

and it's not even on the right days.

And you've finished now. Well, I can tell you quite sincerely, we're

Oh.

Thank you.

To be honest, I couldn't understand what he was saying to me the last time, but

it's like speaking to a completely different person.

I think he really understands our concerns.

That's the 11th house that's given a yes.

Ever since you started agreeing with everybody, he's gone crazy.

He's only agreeing with everybody because he can't hear them.

It can't be that simple, can it? You can't just get into power because you've

lost your hearing, can you?

So, what's happening?

No, we need it now. Go and get it.

Should I be worrying about this strong chap?

You know he's the fellow from the cafe?

What, the pound shop Paxman?

Perhaps I was still having a field day with him.

Maybe we should have a rematch.

That's not a bad idea.

It's for you.

Hello? Mr Strong.

I'm calling on behalf of Mr Cooling.

Yes, I thought you and he might like to have another little chinwag.

There's no one there.

Hung up on me.

I'm scared.

Make sure the cameras are there.

I'll wipe the floor with them.

All right, George.

Who are all these people?

Volunteers. They just started turning up.

Arthur's message is really hitting home.

What message? There is no message.

We're listening. Isn't that the message?

He's deaf.

What is this?

What is this?

Can you get off me?

This is all my fault.

I should never have made him imagine that speech.

I'd created a monster.

Yes, like Frankenstein.

Yes, he's like Frankenstein. No, you're like Frankenstein. Oh, yes, sorry, yes,

yes.

Michael, hi!

Arthur, Arthur, this has gone far enough.

I certainly do.

I think you should withdraw from the election.

That means a lot. You've always believed in me, Michael. I have never believed

in you. I do hope so.

OK, OK, guys, settle down.

If, in fact, you were saying anything.

Phew! What a week it's been.

Thanks to you guys, I'm closer than I've ever been to getting a free hat and

glasses.

But there's still work to be done.

Remember, we need to concentrate on the issues.

What issues?

He has no issues.

Ladies and gentlemen, my director of communications.

Arthur should not be running. He is completely deaf and he doesn't know

happening.

If he is elected, it will be a disaster for this community.

Listen to this guy. He knows what he's talking about.

before this goes any further.

Why is no -one listening to me?

I'm so sure all of us.

Ha -ha, seen him.

Look at this bad boy.

I've had from this. It's all over.

What are you doing now?

Putting in some lemon juice to neutralise the washing -up liquid.

Do you think that'll work?

I think so.

Too late now, anyway.

How's the hearing now, Arthur?

Give it a minute, Eggy. You've only just poured the... Oh, I heard that.

The hearing's come back.

Oh,

no, no. Give him a chance.

Mr Strong, we meet again.

I hear you've been troubling me in the polls.

Would appear so.

Oh, may the best man win.

Oh, go on, then.

So, you're not helping any more?

No. No, don't like the way things are going.

The sign quality has gone down again.

Oh, Eggie, I already... No, no, they're on their own.

I will have nothing to do with dangerous novelty politics.

And finally, a one -off payment for those desperate for new patios.

That's amazing.

Oh, hey, this will be a bit of fun. How about he takes a shot of the two of us

squaring up to each other? Yeah?

Come on, Mr... Put them up.

when he violently attacked his rival candidate, J .P. Cooling. Ironically,

disqualification means bad news for the Cooling campaign, with his polling

showing a clear win.

You do realise you lost, don't you?

I wouldn't say that.

I knocked someone out, and it was on the telly.

By now, we've all seen the video a thousand times, but does it speak to an

more worrying trend?

The rise of stupidity.

I understand that is actually Mr Strong's head of communications.

Didn't you say that was wrong?

Head to BBC4 for the kings of rock and roll.