Original subtitles

I'm back!

I'm telling you, I don't have four pounds. I had it earlier, but I forgot.

wearing my suit. There's not quite enough money in the pocket.

It doesn't matter where it may be. Stand me the pound until I'm wearing the

correct clothes, Buland. No, no. Tell him, would you? What? Tell him he's

unreasonable.

Um, I don't... No, I know. Give him a pound.

There.

There's your precious money. My precious money.

I ran a cafe.

This is a cafe. Give me another pound.

And this is the tip that you are now not about to get.

What?

I'm back.

I don't care.

Are you going to order something?

I haven't got any money now.

I am back!

So you keep saying.

Did you get that paint?

What paint?

Was it not you I asked to get the paint?

I've been gone for six months, Arthur.

Where have you been?

Home. York.

Did they not have it locally?

Stephen.

Oh, oh... Oh, hello!

Hi.

Sorry, Simon.

This is Michael.

Simon!

Oh, and you're... It's like a tongue twister.

Simon and Sinem.

Simon and Sinem.

It's almost impossible to say.

Simon and Sinem.

I don't know if I can say it.

Yes, you can. It's like an incredibly straightforward tongue twister.

Well, bye.

Goodbye. Love you.

Who did you say? When?

You said.

I don't think I said anything.

You said he loves you.

For some reason.

Well, I like you too, Michael.

I guess it's nice of you to get on.

Hasn't anybody noticed that I've not been here?

Come to mention it, the house has been a bit quiet on your side of the table.

Where have you been?

York. I told you. I've been writing.

Well, trying to.

To be honest, it's not going great.

I thought I'd come back here and see if anyone had missed me.

Michael, you're back.

Thank you, Eggie.

Did you get that paint?

What have you got?

Some paper.

Sandwiches.

Flask.

Will you bring that? I'll bring the flask.

Screwdriver to get the lid off.

Will you bring that?

What are you doing with the paint? We've got ourselves a little job on.

Oh, really? You've gone into decorating?

We have recently won the contract to paint a garage door yellow.

That's black.

Is it?

Oh, black, then. It doesn't matter.

A very dear friend of mine passed away.

He left me some overalls and a stepladder.

You must have been very close.

I'll tell you something, Eggie. You do a good job on this garage door and the

money will be rolling in. What do you mean, if I do a good job? Well, my

strength lies more on the administrative side of things.

Wining and dining clients, etc.

That's what I bring to the table.

Oh, OK.

Anyway, come on.

Let's go.

This door won't paint itself, will it?

Hi -ho!

Hi -ho, it's off to work, he's gone.

I was meaning to tell you, remember what you were saying about you're not able

to write anymore?

Oh, no, I wouldn't go that far. It's just a little block.

It's actually very common. You see, writers need certain things in order to

create.

Solitude, a sense of calm.

One can't simply... I've written a book.

What? Yeah.

You've written a book? Yeah.

When? How?

Dunno. Just did.

Right, well, actually,

well done, Arthur. It's not easy to write a book, so kudos.

Thank you.

In fact, if you'd like me to have a look at it, I'd be more than happy to.

Really? Might as well make myself useful.

What kind of book is it?

A racist woman.

A racist one. Ruffle a few feathers, believe you me.

You've written a racist book.

It's very racist.

I can't wait for you to read it. In what way is it racist?

You know.

Hello.

Oh, madame.

Not racist, racy.

A racy book. Oh, you've written a racy... You've written a racy book.

Like that, um, Fifty Crates of Plates.

Oh, now I want it to be racist.

But there's a twist.

Oh, God, is there?

It's for the over -70s.

There's nothing for them on the racy book front.

When can you read it?

Do you know, I don't think I'm going to have time to read it.

You just said you would. I've just remembered my agent insists on reading

everything I'm sent, for legal reasons.

Even better, she can read it.

Oh, it's going to be a big one. I'll corner the over -70s racy book market

this. Is there a market there? Racy isn't... I think at that age most people

would be happy with a hug.

Let's go for a celebration.

Two teas, please, Boola. We're celebrating.

I've written a racist book.

Beneath the paisley -patterned eiderdown.

Please, Sheila, just read enough to get a sense of it and then write a polite

note. That's all he's hoping for.

The things I do for my clients.

Thank you.

Well, at least you're delivering a book.

It's not funny, Michael.

They'll want that advance back.

Can you get me a new deadline, please, Sheila?

I'll make this one, I promise.

Well, oh, I can get you another six weeks.

Thank you. But don't embarrass me again, Michael. I'm warning you.

She was warning me, Arthur.

I don't like being warned.

That would be the drink talking.

Oh, it's always the drink talking with Sheila. It doesn't make anything less

scary. Yeah, but she's got the book.

Yes, she took it home with her. She's away for the weekend, but she'll read it

first thing Monday. Now, please, Arthur, I have got six weeks to write something

or Sheila is going to take a contract out on me.

There you go, Arthur.

What's this?

Carry on cruising?

Yeah. That was the one you wanted, wasn't it? Leslie Phillips on the cruise

ship. I wanted Captain Phillips.

You know, the one where Forrest Gump's a pirate.

Oh, Iggy, I was looking forward to that, I was.

Why don't you just buy it if you want it so much?

I don't buy films until they come down to £1 .99.

It's taken ages for this one.

I'll have it, Eggie, but I'm not happy.

What's that?

You've written another?

I've taken the precaution of making a copy of my book in case Sheila tries to

publish it under her own name.

She's not going to do that, Arthur.

She's not insane.

Oh, this is exciting. To think, in a few months' time, people might actually be

reading about the steamy union of Michael and Sheila.

You never know.

Sorry, what did you say? If all goes well, of course. No, no. Back then,

steamy union?

Michael and Sheila.

You're getting mixed up.

That's my name. And my agent's name.

And the name of my characters.

You've named the characters in your racy book for the over 70s after Sheila and

me.

As the stairlift ascended, Michael's

hand similarly ascended to the top of Sheila's support anklet.

What? You've put me in your dirty book.

Racy book, Michael. Not dirty. I don't do filth.

Anyway, it's not you.

It's an elderly version of you.

But why, Sheila, you don't even know her. Well, I feel like I know her. All

gossip you've told me about her. Like the time she had the affair with Martin

Amis.

Sheila, you've written about her affair with Martin Amis.

Was that not OK?

No!

Not OK. Not OK at all. She told me that in confidence.

Oh, come on. She'll never trace it back to you.

Mind your characters, Michael and Sheila.

God, she can't read this. She can't read this.

Sheila was halfway through her fifth bottle of gin.

She likes a glass of wine at lunch, Arthur.

You said she was more or less an alcoholic.

She's going to drop me.

She's going to drop me. She won't drop you. You make her money, you do.

Arthur, I can't write.

I have spent the last six months playing Candy Crush.

My career is over. And you think that this might affect her brokering a deal

my behalf?

Oh.

Well, it is a problem.

Sodden with drink, mascara running down her face, Sheila fought back the tears

as Martin Amis pulled his underpants back up.

and told her their affair must come to an end.

Just one more night, Martin, she pleaded. I promise I won't snore.

And all that happened?

It's word for word.

Do you lift your head? I don't think that's hygienic.

Oh, sorry.

I can't survive in London without an agent. The rents here are astronomical.

So, er, you got a flat?

Yeah, I... Yeah, I thought I would for... for a while.

Really?

That's, erm...

Hey, darling.

Thank you.

Love you.

Oh.

Oh.

Here. I've been thinking. Stop it. Stop thinking.

You know where Sheila lives?

Yes. Well, there you go. You said she was away for the weekend.

We can get into her house and change her manuscript for a new one. You can

change all the bits you don't think she'll like.

She won't like any of it. I'd have to rewrite the whole thing.

Well, we've got nearly a whole weekend.

That's longer than it took me to write it.

Sheila always leaves a key under a plant pot by her front door for the

neighbours to feed the cat. Brilliant!

We can get in, drop off the dummy manuscript and make our getaway.

Hey, it'll be like a heist.

Well, not like a heist. It's a bit like a heist. No, we're just dropping

something off. I know you like to live as if you're in a film, but I don't.

I'm not a heist type of person.

You're not.

But I know a man who is.

You see, I don't do that stuff anymore.

I'm retired.

Come on, just one last job.

For me.

Let me make a few calls.

Will you please turn the light on?

Michael!

This is how you do this sort of thing. We all know who it is.

And anyway, I've changed my mind. We're not going to her house.

All right, what do you suggest?

How are we supposed to swap them?

I don't know.

I'll go to her house first thing on Monday morning and say, Here you are,

Sheila. Here's a nicer manuscript where everything is... spelt correctly, and

there's nothing about an older version of you and me in a menage a trois with

Will's self.

All right, clever clogs, what if she decides to come back early and reads it,

eh? She comes back, goes to bed, can't sleep, gets up, has a few drinks to send

her off, drinks a bit too much, sick all over the place.

There's nothing wrong with that, we've all done it.

Looks down, sees a manuscript, thinks, ooh, now I've been sick, I'll have a

of that.

Oh, no, an exciting heist is the only sensible solution.

How are you getting on?

I finished the first chapter.

All right.

I've called you in a few favours.

What? What favours? What do you mean?

I'm a fixer, Michael.

I connect people with other people. That's what I do.

What other people? Don't be telling other people about this. Who are these

people? Stop talking to people. I don't want to do a heist.

Get it straight, pal.

Yes, I please.

This ain't Downton Abbey.

This is real life.

And if you ain't got a stomach for it, tell me now, or I'll walk. No, no, no,

no, John, it's not like that at all. Your help here is definitely

Michael, say you're sorry.

He hit me!

John, hit me! Snap out of it! You've got to pull yourself together!

Why, don't you hit me!

Nobody's allowed to hit me anymore!

You'd better put some on your knickers, missus.

There's no room in this outfit for a Jemima.

Isn't this brilliant?

How much longer have we got to stay cooped up in this room?

It's driving me crazy.

Right.

Here we go.

Arthur. What?

I'm quite scared.

I don't want to get mixed up with gangsters and that sort of thing.

I'm finding this all very stressful.

Pull yourself together. We've talked about this.

There's no other option.

What if we get caught?

John's one of the best fixers there is.

We've got to get that book back or it's curtains for both of us.

How are you doing?

Um... All right, I lost chapter three because it didn't really add anything,

I think you get into the action a bit quicker now.

Sounds good. Where are you up to?

I'm at the bit where they check into the Premier Inn for the weekend.

I'm quite frightened about that, too.

Is that the bit where she scolds the backside on the tower rail?

Thanks for turning out.

I appreciate it.

I know you're a busy man.

That's who we've been waiting for. What a lovely surprise.

Sorry I'm late.

I was on the toilet and the cat fell asleep in my trousers.

I didn't have the heart to wake him.

Oh, that would make a nice poster.

You bloody slapped me and we were waiting for Eddie.

No names.

We've got to use nicknames.

Here's your lookout.

Every outfit has a lookout.

What are you then? Your fixer.

Because you phoned Eggie.

I'm the ghost.

The ghost?

What makes you the ghost?

Because I'm a shadow.

I'm a rumour. No one knows if I... If

I exist.

What about me? Should I have a nickname?

Bookworm. I don't want to be called Bookworm, thank you, Arthur.

I was called that at school.

What about the computer boy?

I'm not a boy.

All right. The computer man.

No, that sounds like I work in a repair shop.

Don't knock it. There's a lot of money in that.

They do say that in the future there'll be a computer in every home.

As pisposterous as that may sound.

Oh, Eggie, did you remember Captain Phillips? Sorry, Arthur. The whole cat

put it out of my head. Oh, Eggie, you can't let nesting cats affect you to

extent. If something like that's going to distract it, we might as well give up

now.

What was it we were doing again?

Nicknames. No, nicknames.

No, that's settled.

The Fixer.

The Lookout.

The Ghost.

Captain Mark Phillips.

This is ridiculous.

We don't need nicknames. You're ruining it for everyone.

Knock it off, you two.

Well, I didn't want him on the job in the first place.

What? The kid's green.

Stick of celery.

All right, fine. I'll be Fingers.

Because I typed with my fingers.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

All right, that's settled, then.

The Fixer.

The Ghost.

No, you're the Ghost. All right, keep your hair on, Thimbles. Fingers.

Who's Fingers? I am! because I type with my fingers.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

Finished.

I did it.

I did it.

A few days ago, I had writer's block. Now, I've written an erotic novel about

the elderly.

Look, be careful.

Don't get it confused up with the old one.

No, no, that's the old one.

This one.

No, no, that one.

Don't get them mixed up.

Imagine if that happened.

Here we are, everyone.

What's in there?

Our disguises.

Disguises! Oh, this just gets better and better.

What kind of disguises? Because I can't wear a balaclava unless it's silk. Is it

silk? I can't have wool on my face.

Can't you?

I have a similar thing. I can't wear anything with lace on it.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

No, no, look.

Of course.

And if anyone asks, we can say we're painters and decorators.

Brilliant, Eggie.

We're going to need transport.

So it won't draw attention.

Don't worry, John.

I've got that covered.

I told you, we don't do ice creams.

We're painters and decorators.

Oops -ole, anyway.

What is wrong with people letting their children gallivant about at this hour?

You put the music on! That was an accident!

All right, all right. Well, let's go over all that again.

Well, I haven't seen any lights for an hour.

There's definitely nobody in there.

All right. I think we're as ready as we're ever going to be.

Is it not that one?

No.

The lookout.

What do we say again if somebody comes?

Who are we?

24 -hour emergency painters and decorators.

It's not here.

What's not?

The key.

She always leaves it here.

Brilliant. That means we can break in. It is a heist. It's right.

Hello?

It's all right.

We're painting Sheila's door.

Don't use her name.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're painting this door, but we don't know who lives here.

What, at night?

Emergency 24 -hour call -out.

Do you have a card?

Sorry? Do you have a card?

Er, not on me, no. Oh, but if you want my number for a quote or something, it's

Arthur Strong, Count Arthur Strong, and the number is 020 -794

-60012.

I may be in touch.

Arthur!

You've just told him your name! Oh, for crying out... Hello?

What? I gave you a false name then. I sometimes use for things like this.

My real name is Rocky Fuglar Hegarty.

Thanks. I think I got away with it.

I went in round the back.

All right, come in, come in, come in.

Where are the torches?

Torches.

You forgot. What, the torches? I don't believe it, John. Right, the first thing

we have to do is find some torches.

Fingers, you know her better than anyone. Where would Sheila keep a torch?

That's right, I'll use my phone.

Who are you phoning? Sheila!

Ask her where she keeps a torch.

I'll use my phone as a light.

Hang on a second. You could use that to find the manuscript.

Then we won't need a torch.

I know.

We won't need to phone Sheila.

Cancel the call to Sheila. Go outside and start the van. I can do this myself.

I want to come with you.

Why? It's exciting!

All right.

Right, come on, quick.

What's up with you?

I thought there'd be a bit more to it than this.

You know, like guard dogs and tripwires.

This isn't a film.

No! No, no, it's not too late.

We're just coming in now.

It's Sheila.

Thank you again, Sheila.

Peter says thank you. And thank you for me, too. It's been a brilliant day.

All right, enjoy the rest of it.

Bye. Bye, Sid.

Ah, right.

I'll shower and go to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

I might just watch a film.

Ooh.

Captain Phillips.

to see this.

Have you fed the cat?

No, I haven't fed the cat.

Shall we make a run for it?

It's Captain Phillips.

So what?

I really want to see it.

We can't watch it now.

Why not?

Have you seen it?

No. Well then.

Arthur, I won't be able to enjoy it.

Enjoy it. It's wonderful enough without having to watch Captain Phillips.

Take your mind off things.

No. Johnny.

I've got to take you coming back.

He's asleep.

I'll take this off.

If they don't rescue Tom Hanks soon, I'm going to have a heart attack.

No, I've had enough.

He's not a proper pirate, is he?

Something to Johnny Depp.

Come on.

Where have you been? We were about to find the police.

The police?

I've been watching Captain Phillips.

Oh, was it good?

No, I didn't like it, Eggie.

Beautifully acted, but the thing is... It's not important.

By the way, is this not the one you should have taken in?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Eggie!

It's not his fault. Shut up, John!

You told me to shut up. I won't tell you to shut up! Why didn't you tell me?

Well, because you sent me back out to the van. You couldn't come back and...

Guys, guys!

Listen to you!

arguing like cats fighting in a pair of eggies trousers.

All right.

Maybe the heist wasn't entirely successful, but two of us got to watch a

Captain Phillips with me, and I'd say that was pretty good going, even though,

in my opinion, it's slightly overrated.

It just shows you what we can achieve.

What we can achieve?

We have just replaced a manuscript...

with all of Sheila's stories in, with another manuscript, which is exactly the

same.

Yes.

And we did it together.

I loved it, Michael.

Completely unpublishable, of course, but it's very jolly. Did you know he's

named the protagonist after us?

Oh, and she's a great character.

Boozy old flirt with a drink problem.

How many people like that in this business?

Right.

OK. Thanks, Sheila.

Bye.

She liked it.

Did she?

What about the names and all the stories you told me about her? She just thinks

it's true to life.

Brilliant. Hi, everyone. I'm having the book published.

Oh, no. No, sorry, Arthur. She... She doesn't think the public's quite ready

it. Oh.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

Head of its time.

I'll just have to write another one.

How do you do it? How do you do it?

Sit down and do it.

Well, you just make a start, don't you?

Remember, a job begun is a job half done.

Hey, Arthur!

Is it true Sinan paid for your lunch?

Sinan very kindly said I could pay her tomorrow when I'm wearing the correct

clothing.

I told you, you eat now, you pay now.

All right, Michael.

Hiya. What's your right of fingers?

I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen. It's not you.

It's not you. No, no, no.

You are not.

You are not. You are not.

You are not.

And Count Arthur

Strong's back here on BBC One, same time next week.

Up next, an episode from the archives as Jennifer Saunders hosts Have I Got a

Bit More News for You.