Original subtitles

I'm in business and a visa. What? Time to wake up, sleeping beauty.

What's going on? I made a little computer here.

You realize you're in serious trouble right now, right? Who are you? You do

realize that.

I... We are the police, ma 'am. The real ones? Yes. The real ones. Somebody did

something wrong. Who did it?

You did it. We want to know why and more detail right now.

I am very confused, and I think this has just been, like, one big total

misunderstanding. I think I know what happened.

We don't do jury duty.

Okay, look, we're not proud of this. Let's just be really clear about that.

Neither one of us acted in a way that we're proud of. Right, except I didn't

anything wrong. Okay, Sarah, you can't legally say that. The network keeps

saying we need a crisis manager. The truth is, we don't really want you to

this stuff, but VH1 is making us show you and making us do interviews about

Okay, so you honestly can't remember anything? My mind is blown right now. I

have never... This is good. You know how much time you can spend in prison for

what you pulled off? I didn't steal a kid. The kid came to me willingly.

Okay, so you want to play this game? You want to play? Ma 'am, sit down. Ma 'am?

Ma 'am? Ma 'am, sit down. Aaron,

sit down. Okay.

This is not some game.

Aaron, are you on something?

Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do. We have footage from the producers of the

entire show. We have all the footage, okay? Perfect. Now, I must let you know

that this is admissible in court. It's invisible in court?

What does that mean? It's admissible in court. Anything we find, we can't hold

it against you. To be honest with you, our network never shows us behind -the

-scenes footage, so we'd love to see it.

Quiet. Let's roll. Before we start, I am starving. I've been in here for a very

long time. I would love to just get a menu or something.

This isn't a restaurant, okay?

Okay, well, a takeout is fine. Okay.

No eating other people's lunches. Is that crazy?

Deal. Okay.

How are you?

I'm great. Just talking to my son. Oh, perfect.

Okay, you promised. Give him a hug. Oh,

no, they are very... Oh, yeah, but she's good. Well, they're best friends.

No, we're not. We are not best friends.

I don't think they are. What's your name again?

Oh, Sarah Foster.

What's your name?

Kate. Oh, Kate!

I love that. That's a beautiful name. Thanks.

Last name? I didn't catch it.

Hudson. Oh, Hudson.

That. Oh, my God. Her best friend is Kate Hudson's son?

What did you tell me? There must be a different kid that does that. It's

probably not. Please don't touch my child.

What's so funny about this is that I am on Mo Mandel tonight. You're on Mo. With

you. With me. Yes. We should take the kids.

So they can play and after we can have a... I don't take you to those things,

I? A margarita after?

With the kids?

Well, no, they won't drink margaritas. But you and I, after they play, get a

margarita. And then maybe, you know, next week they can play and then we can

dancing. Say bye to Sunny. Bye, Sunny.

It's so great to see you.

It's so great to see you. It's good to see you, too. Okay, so... Okay, bye,

Sunny. So I'll see you at the talk show and then we should just get, like, a

play date on the books.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. You can't force me from my best friend. Oh, my God.

My kid always gravitates towards the other famous kids because, you

know, it just makes sense. Sarah. What?

I thought what you said.

On advice of counsel, I plead the fifth.

I really want to be friends with Kate Hudson. It's just that she always

like she doesn't know who I am. She gives me that look like you're too

No.

Please stop trying to be friends with Kate Hudson because you've been doing it

for two years now.

And every time she sees you, she wants nothing to do with you. If I were you, I

would just sort of like take the hint.

Move on.

I feel like if I were to get her a gift. Get her a gift. She'll hand it off to

an assistant. The assistant will hand it to the bodyguard. The bodyguard will

put it in the room of gifts she never talks about or looks at and then re

it to someone else. Kate will never open it, though.

Get her something she can actually use.

Like, toilet paper or, like, diaper. How old are her kids? Did you just suggest

I buy kid hats and toilet paper?

Everybody pooped.

Okay, guys, I need you to focus, all right? The producer for Mo Mandel's talk

show is going to call to approve your stories. I don't need to do the call.

telling my Ibiza story. Tell them I'm telling my Ibiza story. Hold on. I don't

want you to embarrass yourself, actually, Sarah, because I do care about

That Ibiza story, it's, like, the least relatable story in the world. Who's

trying to be relatable? I know I'm not relatable.

I'm the storyteller in the family. You are not.

You're the silent partner.

You're going to go on that show tonight, and you are going to show the world

that you're more than just a pretty face.

I'm sorry. I totally disagree with you.

No offense. No one cares about your story. All that matters is how you look.

Speaking of how you look, I made you an appointment to inject your lip. Not your

bottom lip, just your top lip. I don't need that.

Hmm. Your lip is like this.

Wow. You want it to be pillowy. Wait, I have a small upper lip.

Don't you want to look good for Mo tonight?

All right, well, my ex -boyfriend Mo Mandel has a talk show. It's only the

biggest talk show around right now. Nothing makes me insecure like an ex

-boyfriend. You know, I think a lot of people feel that. I don't feel that.

It just doesn't make me feel insecure.

Sarah's the only human being who does not get affected by her exes, which I

applaud you.

I think you should do a little zoosh here and a little zoosh here. I've never

done anything like that. That could be cute.

Use a little plump up in that lip.

You're giving me like an older Maggie Smith right now. This is shocking me

you're on board with this. You want to know how old I actually am?

How old? I'm 67 years old.

Holy.

Okay, fine. I'll get lip injections.

So there's this time that I met John Mayer. Uh -huh. And he, like, asked me

to get to this bar.

Yes. Well, wait. Hold on. Game of Direction.

Hello? Okay.

Do you have any other stories?

Are you sure? Because I think... Yes. You know what? Yes. She will have

something else. This girl's got the stuff. Okay? Uh -huh. We'll talk to you

later. Bye.

It's like, hear the story again in your head. Sometimes it gets better.

What was that?

I don't know. What else you got?

You don't think it's funny that John Merrill needed direction?

Nope. And he got to where he wanted to go. That's not a story. It's an anecdote

at best.

Uh, okay.

I have a story.

My housekeeper shrunk my jeans.

Hell no.

I thought, though, that I was fat for a second until I realized it shrunk.

Oh, so the story is about how you weren't fat?

Did they ever, like, tell you the story that you should tell?

No, it's supposed to be personal.

But did they have a personal story about me they want to tell? No one knows who

you are.

But did they have a personal story about me they want to tell? No one knows who

you are.

Okay, I watched that, and I would also just like to say one thing.

What you're seeing here has not been color corrected yet, okay?

So that is not actually how we look. As you can see, I'm very luminous. I just

wanted to say that because I felt you looking at that. I was not even looking

about how unluminous you were. I felt judgy -eyed. Okay, ma 'am, you don't

to raise your hand, okay? This is in the classroom.

What's your vote?

What's your deal?

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, you're putting out the vibe. I'm just saying what you're

thinking. Yeah. I'm married.

That's his life problem, dude, not mine.

Now, are you sure you want us to keep watching the footage? Yeah.

Okay, this can incriminate you, but hey, it's your funeral.

Cool.

John Mayer was like, oh, do you know how to get to the Magic Castle? And I was

able to tell him how to get there without even looking it up, you know?

Okay, so then he got there early.

And then? That was the punchline. He got there early.

He thought he was going to be late.

Sorry, you're not getting it.

Okay, it's really funny. I'm going to have you tilt your head so we can...

but do you think that it would be funnier if it just swapped out a

celebrity? What if it was Cate Blanchett? Wait, is she the one... Okay,

don't know anything. All right, I'm just going to tilt your head here. Okay, but

I don't think you're getting the tone because I'm just not fully... Oh, what

you use a different tone, like a different accent? That doesn't make any

I don't think you understand comedy.

John Mayer!

I don't get that.

Okay, just tilt your head, please.

Okay, but the part of the story... Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get a stab in his face!

Okay, well, I kept asking you to tilt your head. Okay, but I'm impatient!

No, no need to panic, okay?

You're gonna get an edema. Okay, what the...

It's an edema.

Your lips are going to swell.

Okay, well, I need them to not be swollen because I'm going on my ex

-boyfriend's talk show tonight, and he's going to see me like this, and I can't

have that. Who's your ex -boyfriend? Oh, my God. I can't. I can't. I can't. Just

fix my mouth.

Fix my mouth. I can get you some ice. How about that? Great, great. Here you

Nice and cool.

Okay, just put that.

I will be right back. Just remember, your fault. Don't tell Nurse Amy.

Mom, why are we at... We have to get Auntie Kate the best present ever.

Who's Auntie Kate?

Honey, is that Finn right there?

I want my mommy.

Finn, hi.

How are you?

What do you want?

You want your mommy?

You know what? I can take him if you want to see his mom.

No English.

I'm going to see his mom. We're doing a talk show together.

They can play. Play days?

Yes, at the talk show they will play. Finn, you come with us.

Oh, it's Auntie Sarah.

It's funny to be quiet. You guys love each other.

Hey, babe.

Wait for me.

Finn?

Finn!

Okay.

I realize that looks bad.

That looks bad. It looks very bad, yeah. It does, it does. But this is what you

don't understand.

When celebrities are not technically friends, they technically are.

I was taking him to go to the talk show that I was going to be on. We're both

going to be on Mandel.

When I see a child crying, I did what any other mother would do.

I did what any other mother would do. I did what any other mother would do.

Oh, my God. It's like the swelling will not go down no matter what I do. This is

crazy. I told Sarah I didn't want to do this, and now look at me. It looks

insane. No, now your face, it's got.

It's got layers, you know, depth. No, this is not depth. This is a lip.

I think you look better, actually.

All righty, here we go, ladies. It's magic time.

Erin, how you doing?

I feel great. I really do.

I feel so good.

Good.

Do you have a funny story to run by me? You know, I was thinking of just

piggybacking on this story Sarah has about when she went to Ibiza and she

first class, but then she accidentally sat in business.

OK. It's funnier when Sarah tells us. It's great. It's great. Is Sarah here?

she not here? Not yet. She's coming.

We're just.

You know, I would never do this without my sister.

She's really the glue that holds us together. So if she doesn't come, we'll

do this a different day together.

No, no, no. Hey.

We got you here now. We're going to do this. She's got it. You just get the

cameras rolling. She's going to give it to you. All right. She's coming.

She's got to come. You are going to do this. Wait, you guys, this is like live

TV. I'm not doing this by myself.

You are going to show the world you're a funny writer, OK? You don't need Sarah

to do that.

I'm not that funny, I don't think. I think you've got something. You've got a

real good start.

OK, I need a Xanax.

Close the Xanax. I do. I do. Okay, I need it. I need it. Be quiet for one

minute. I need a Xanax. Okay, $20, though, because these are not free. Give

Xanax! So the message that I really legally have to say is you really

take any pill that you don't have a prescription from your doctor.

Did I say that properly?

Yes. Okay.

Perfect. Just take a sip. You're going to be good.

I'm going to be good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Erin.

That's the wrong.

I just gave you an Ambien.

What? Are you serious?

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That was not on purpose.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's cool. We'll keep her awake. I might have an upper in here.

it's not. I've stayed awake on Ambien before. I know what happens. You start

dreaming while you're awake.

Charlie Sheen said this is the craziest thing he's ever done and everything he's

ever done was Ambien.

Ow, Jesus.

What is that? What is that? Oh, my God. It's an Amber Alert.

Is that Sarah's car?

You know...

Finn, you have more in common than you think.

You both have two very famous and very attractive mommies.

Also, you know that really fun party your mom always has?

You should say to her, um, how is Sarah never invited to that party?

It's not a party without Sarah.

You talk a lot.

Oh my God, something is happening here.

Is that a fire truck?

I wonder where they're going.

Don't worry, kids. It's just the good guys getting the bad guys.

I mean, we live in L .A. There's a lot of psychos around here.

A lot of loons. Thank God for the police.

Keeping us sane people safe.

Sounds like they're getting closer.

Oh, my God. What are they doing?

Somebody must have done something really bad.

Get off my tail.

Guys, go around. Go around.

Are you starting to get a picture of how you ended up here?

Okay.

Sarah, like, stalks Kate Hudson sometimes or whatever, but that's not a

Okay, she didn't steal a kid. But stalking is a crime.

Oh, stalking is a crime? Yes.

OK, you should get a lawyer.

You know what? You're going to need a lawyer as well, OK? Because you're still

in trouble. Also, because I was just watching the thinking about how I need a

lawyer to, like, sue you guys. Because I'm here for literally no reason. No

reason? Because you attacked Kate Hudson.

Yeah. What? What?

You attacked Kate Hudson?

Now she's really not going to want to be friends with me.

What's wrong with your lip?

I'm feeling very catalog spaghetti sauce for the whole geography situation.

Oh, wow.

So, so sorry, but he's okay.

You were fine the whole time, right, honey?

Yeah. Yeah, and we've got the psychopath who took him in custody.

She says she's a celebrity, but I have no idea who she is. This is really

horrible, but I'm going to do it. I'm still going to go on and everything

because he was fine.

Why haven't you called me back? You.

I don't have a phone.

Yeah, I see you. Okay, let's go somewhere. Will you stay with him,

Okay. I'm going to go bowling.

The thing is, honestly, the film was one where not only did I want to watch it

immediately after I'd already seen it, I wanted my mom to watch it and my

brother to watch it. So I was out there and I was campaigning.

That makes me so happy. Well, you made me happy, and thank you again for your

great work.

It sounds like you're wrapping her up. It's my turn. Get out of here.

I heard that you had quite a Icarumba experience.

Something about you taking a trip to Spain that went a little loco.

Locomoco.

Yes. If I could take a Polaroid, this would be so stupid.

Luckily, it's a live broadcast and not a picture. I'm glad. Tell us about Spain,

though, Erin. Here's the truth. I'm going to tell you the truth.

I'm going to lie to Kate Hudson, but I'm going to tell you the truth.

Okay, this is so... Don't feel bad. I don't have a story.

Here's the thing, guys.

Are you two...

Is that what's happening here? Now, listen, I'm usually really good at being

mediator in these things. No, you're not.

Honestly, Mel, you can do better.

You honestly, you guys sound like you've got some old history to take care of.

I think what we've got is... Go for a three, Kate. Get a third.

I can't believe I was nervous to do this. I am doing a really good job.

You're doing an excellent job of whatever it is that you're doing. I'm

it.

I've just entered another dimension. I don't know about you. Is that the answer

to a jeopardy?

That would be which show is making the host very uncomfortable answering the

form of a question. Which show is about to go viral? Don't be uncomfortable.

Oh, okay.

Look at this. Look at this. Yes. All right. You got a Drew Barrymore part

Okay. Now, you don't want to drink. Well, you do. Okay.

Like a kitty cat.

Hey. Like a kitty.

And then that happened on late night.

What that is? Okay.

Let's talk about Bane, everybody.

Okay. I think that is my favorite place to go.

Oh, he got her. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you just got to roll with those punches.

Okay. Ouch.

Ouch. Just sit.

Okay. Why don't you do a little more? I know this is all live. It's fine.

Everything's fine.

But she's sleeping and God knows what she's on.

You guys snuggle away.

It's a great movie.

I know the kids are going to love it.

I know everyone who watches the film is going to love it. Erin also doing her

thing. We'll be back.

Just got done talking to Kate Hudson, and she's not going to press charges,

okay? She's very busy.

Yeah, well, that sounds like my friend, Kate Hudson.

Well, she was very clear that you were actually not friends.

Matter of fact, she said that if you ever come around her or her children,

she was going to drop you off in the middle of the desert. That sounds like

Kate Hudson. And, you know, we're not so against that.

Kate Hudson's a great person. Like, I actually lost my speech for a second.

blushed. I'm blushed.

I'm a black man. I never blush. It was the first time I blushed.

Most famous? You ready?

Oh, my God. One of my favorite movies. Amazing.

Amazing. Almost famous.

Big deal. You even named one other movie she's been in.

Fool's Gold.

Something Borrowed. Sahara. My Best Friend's Girl. How to Lose a Guy in 10

And I'm the Stalker. No, we're just fans of good work. Oh, all right.

Can we go? Yes, you are free to go. All right, Aaron, let's go.

I would just like to say that Kate Hudson is a lovely person.

And I will not go within 100 yards of her or her

child ever again.

Erin? And per VH1's suggestion, I have chosen to,

like, lightly check into rehab and just see what's like from there. Erin, you

have to take it seriously or they are going to cancel our show.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to be happy without drugs and alcohol. I

know it.