Original subtitles

You've had that silly grin on your face ever since we left the airport. Come on,

when do I get to hear the news?

What makes you think I have news?

Oh, I know that look, Maggie. Either you've got some good news or you just

Harry Krishna getting his robe caught in the baggage carousel.

Maybe I do, maybe I don't. You love teasing me, don't you? I'm not teasing

I know something you don't know.

So take it the story on Senator Howard went well? Uh -huh. And you got lots of

good material for your column.

And? So what's new?

Either you talk or I'm going to turn this car into oncoming traffic.

Okay. Not only did I get a great interview for the paper, but Senator

very impressed with me.

There's a semi approaching Maggie. Spill it.

The Senator?

offered me a job. What?

Executive Director of Media Relations.

Oh, well, that's fantastic.

With a great salary.

Yeah. Yes.

There's only one small catch. What? No parking space.

Oh, yes, with my name on it.

But it's in Washington, D .C.

Ah.

The best is ready to be.

I can't tell you what an ego boost it was to have the senator insist I take

job. Do you know what it's like to have someone begging at your knees?

Well, it's just when Mike needs gas money.

And the executive search committee has stopped looking for any other candidate.

Honey, that's very flattering.

I guess you really surprised him. I mean, there's not many women walk out of

senator's office saying no.

Would have loved to have seen the look on that craggy old geezer's face.

Jason, Senator Howard is a woman.

Oh, well, that explains the pearls he wore on Nightline.

So how'd she take it when you turned her down?

Well, actually... You did turn it down, Maggie.

There was a no in my heart, but I'll think about it. It came out of my mouth.

Oh, I didn't, uh... No, my family lives in New York. Come on. Oh, Jason, what

was I supposed to say?

Sorry, I can't help you chart the world's geopolitical future. There's a

festival at the Piggly Wiggly.

A simple stuff it, Senator, would suffice.

Oh, really?

And would you have said stuff it if you'd been offered the perfect job?

The Islanders already have a goalie.

Jason, I'm serious.

Maggie, if it meant unemploying my spouse and uprooting my children, yes,

course, I'd have to say no. Well, obviously, I'm turning it down.

But you could have at least let me revel in the fantasy for a minute before

tightening down the guilt screws.

I'm sorry.

Let's revel.

Now I don't feel like it.

Come on, Maggie, please. I'm begging for details now.

Well, it is kind of impressive.

I would have had a staff of 20 people. Whoa.

I would have been testifying before Congress and lobbying for consumer

You in Congress?

Yes, I would have had a major voice in shaping legislation.

I would have actually had more to say in the running of this government than

Marilyn Quayle.

I had no idea it was this big.

Oh, honey, it's the perfect blend of journalism and rights advocacy. It's

everything I've ever wanted in a... job.

Oh, boy, I just realized the longer I put off turning this down, the sadder

be. I'm going to call the senator right now.

Maggie, you can't turn this job down. Now you revel. No, honey, I'm serious.

deadly serious.

This job's just too good for you to refuse.

Jason, this is nuts.

Oh, wait a minute. We've been taking care of the kids all these years.

we always said we needed to do something for ourselves?

Oh, I always assumed you meant his and her massages at Mr.

Steve's.

Maggie, think about this.

Jason, what about your practice?

Well, I've wanted to do some clinical work. There are great clinics in

Washington.

Maggie, maybe it's time that I shook my life up a little bit, too.

But what about yanking the kids out of school?

Carol's an adult.

Mike's over 21.

What about Ben and Chrissy? Honey, they're cute.

Somebody will take them in.

Honey, this could be a great opportunity for them.

You mean just pick up and move? Well, we'll discuss it with the whole family.

Oh, Jesus.

I just thought of another fringe benefit.

What? If you get on Good Morning America, I could meet June London.

What is the Seavers Summit anyway?

Well, it's a super -duper important family meeting.

Presumably important enough to make us miss Crossfire with Poppy Cannon and Pee

Wee Herman.

So important that we've only had two in my lifetime.

The last one was to tell us you were going to be born.

Yeah, and the other one was when you got caught singing, I'm looking under a two

-legged wonder during nap time.

All right, glad you're all here.

This better be good. Oh, it is.

At least we hope you all think it is.

Oh, my God, she's going to have another baby.

No, no.

But your mom does have some exciting news she'd like to share with you.

We're finally getting a dog?

No.

We're moving.

For what? No way. No kidding.

No, Doug.

I mean, we might move. That is, if you all... Meg, you want to just back up and

start at page one?

Everybody sit down.

You all know that I've been doing a series of interviews with Senator

Isn't he that guy who wore pearls on Nightline?

Senator Howard is a woman.

Get out of town.

And yesterday, she offered me a job as executive director of media relations.

Oh, that's great. Well, that's good.

If I take the job, that means moving the family to Washington, D .C.

Too bad.

Sounded like a great gig. Well, I'm off to thinkies.

The fever summit is far from over.

She's your woman, Dad. You straighten her out.

Sit or pay rent.

What's going on here?

Well, honey, Mommy is thinking about getting a new job.

You're not going to be my mommy anymore?

No, sweetheart, I will always be your mommy. But we are thinking about moving

a wonderful place called Washington, D .C.

Murder capital of the U .S .A.? That's what I heard on hard copy.

Well, obviously, we have a lot of questions to ask, a lot of things to

about over the next couple of days.

Oh, boy, it means a lot more boring chit -chat until Mom finally comes to her

senses. Mike. Mike, I really don't appreciate your cavalier attitude

Mom's career.

Yeah, well, that's the difference between you and me.

Yeah, I know what cavalier means.

Carol, why does Mommy want a new job?

Because it's a great opportunity.

Why?

Well, she'll have the kind of job that most women only dream of.

Why?

Chrissy, I'm going to speak to you not as a sister, but as a sister.

Okay.

Now, as you may have noticed, we live in a male -dominated society wherein women

are mere chattel. Our mother, our sister, has the rare opportunity to

the yoke of male oppression. Are you with me so far?

Did you know your nostrils move when you say the letter M?

I'm sorry, Christy. I think I was speaking over your head. It's okay. When

drive to Washington, you can explain how Mommy's my future.

Oh, sweetheart, if we move to Washington, I'm not going.

You're not?

No, I'm going to stay at Columbia and live in the dorm.

And that way I can be closer to Dwight.

And you're happy about that?

Well, of course I am.

That means I'll never see you again.

Well, sure you will. We're family, and family stays in touch. It's the law.

It is?

Mm -hmm.

I'm going to be visiting so much, you're going to get tired of looking at this

face. Oh, the way Ben and Mike do.

No, not the way Ben and Mike do.

But no matter what, we'll always be close.

I think we swear.

Hugs swear.

I love you.

I love you.

Carol, that was really sweet.

Mom, snap out of it. I was talking to a kid. The truth would have warped her.

The truth?

Oh, sure, we'll see a lot of each other in the beginning.

But before long, it'll just be Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And before you know it, our spouses won't want to come over on the holidays.

before long, we'll be faxing valentines and sending cards that say, sorry, I

forgot your birthday.

Carol, our birthdays are in the same month.

Which only makes it all the more tragic.

Well, we really won't have as much time to spend together.

Now it's your turn to share a secret.

All right.

Remember the Saturday night last month when Debbie Shelley and I went to the

library and then we spent the night at Debbie's house?

Yeah.

Well, we didn't study at all.

Yeah, instead...

We took the train into Manhattan and went to this really neat dance club in

Soho.

Yeah?

And you had to be 21 to get into this place.

Debbie and Shelby were about to give up.

But I was so cool.

I greased the doorman.

Greased? I slipped him $20 to let us in. I mean, is that neat or what?

It was so great.

We danced till four in the morning with these guys who didn't even speak

English.

And then we took the train back and snuck into her room and went down to

before her parents ever woke up.

And to this day, no one is any the wiser.

I'm going to miss our heart -to -heart talks.

Oh, Carol, maybe I'm crazy to even consider moving the family.

Oh, come on, Mom, I admire you. I mean, there are very few women who are willing

to deny their family's needs and think only of themselves.

Oh, Jason, the more I think about this move, the more I question whether taking

this job is right.

Of course it is.

Well, how can you say that when we'll be upsetting our children's lives?

Our children love to be upset.

It's about time we got even.

I don't mean to make light of this, Maggie. It's just that change is good

people. Makes them stronger.

Or scars them for life.

Remember the time I rearranged the living room furniture?

Ben had nightmares for a week.

Not to mention black and blue legs.

Kids have been uprooted before, Maggie.

Remember that weekend we all had to spend in Mike's? I can't sleep on this

floor. Things are crawling on me. Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Climb in.

Wait a second.

The snowfall gets the bed and I have to suffer on the floor? I get it. Hey, wait

a minute. We're a whole time out. I'm the one who owns the bed and you guys

going to sleep in it? I'm supposed to sleep on the floor? No way. Make room.

this many people in this bed. I had twice as many people in this baby.

Don't worry, they were all guys.

No.

Wait a minute. We're not wetting the bed. The bed's wetting us.

What?

don't you dare turn this job down unless you have a real good reason.

It is a great job.

Trust me, the kids are going to be just fine once they get used to the idea of

moving.

Come in.

Um, guys, I just wanted to say goodnight.

Oh, um, by the way, you guys can go on ahead to Washington, but I'm not going.

Sweetheart, can we talk about this?

Why bother?

I mean, you're not going to listen to me anyway.

Benjamin Hubert Horatio Humphrey Seaver.

That's not fair.

If life was fair, my middle name would be Bill.

I hate this.

I mean, Mike and Carol get to decide what they want.

You guys treat me like I'm a little baby.

We do not.

You do too, do too, do too.

Let me do this. You're going to hurt yourself.

Would you cut it into four little soldiers for me?

Come on, Ben, I know you're upset, but can we please look at this rationally?

Okay, I'll be rational.

You've hired a private detective to follow me around school, and now he's

you that I finally shed my last vestiges of geekosity.

And now you've decided to smash my life into little pieces with the help of a

woman senator who looks like Joe Pesci.

Come on, honey, don't get carried away.

Me? I never get carried away.

What?

I think that if he was married before, that probably means he had another wife.

Oh, no.

And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they're living somewhere on Long Island.

Yeah, Dad wouldn't want to live far away from his kids.

What kids?

The ones he goes and visits when he thinks he's going to get a haircut.

Ben. I got it.

Dad's other wife cuts his hair while he plays with his other kids.

I bet right on this street.

Maybe they come over here when we're at school.

And wear our clothes.

And play with our stuff.

That's why my room gets so messed up.

All right, all right.

I almost never get carried away.

Look, Mom, can't you wait and find a great job until after I'm out of high

school? Oh, sweetheart, I wish I could, but this is a once -in -a -lifetime

chance. Now, I know how you feel. This is going to be a big change for all of

us. I'm worried, too.

About half as much as I am.

You've always been there for me.

And I know this has been a big change for all of us.

And I worry about not being here for you because, well, you're the youngest.

And I worry about not being here for Carol because she's a girl and she needs

her mother.

And I worry about not being here for Mike to keep him from accidentally

something up.

And believe me, I worry about leaving your father here to cope with all you

monsters.

You shouldn't worry so much, Mom.

You'll make yourself crazy.

I love you, little pumpkin head.

Oh, pumpkin head.

Hey, Ben.

Can I borrow ten bucks?

Help yourself.

Top drawer rolled up inside my Wayne's World underwear.

Hello. Earth to Ben.

How many times have I told you? You never lend money to family.

Boy, Mom's right. You are depressed.

Not anymore.

I'm just going to ask Dinky's parents if I can stay with them until I finish

high school.

Ben, I don't think you want to stay with the people who made Dinky.

Fine. Then I'll sleep in the school library.

I'm sure they still have your cot set up.

Betty, come on. Do I look upset at the prospect of being tossed out of my cushy

little bachelor pad?

No. And you know why?

Not gonna happen.

What?

Ben, come on. Mom is just going through some post -nasal midlife crisis.

I mean, she just wants to think about change.

Mike, grow a beard.

Mom wouldn't pull our chains for nothing.

Okay, all right, well, let's just say in a million -to -one shot, she actually

goes through with this whole job change, and you move to Washington.

I know you think Washington is probably filled with sleazy crooks and con

artists, but relax.

There's room for one more.

Like, leave my room.

Betty, look, we would be talking about a whole new school who knows absolutely

nothing about the surefire Seaver scandal.

Yeah, I don't know.

Look, Benny, if they were really going to drag you all the way to Washington,

they'd have already tried to bribe you with a car or something.

A car?

What would I do with a car?

Now, remember, when I say now, you pop the clutch. Like I said before, I got

That was then. This is now.

The brake, Benny, the brake.

He doesn't need either one of us now.

This is fun.

But I'm not going to be 18 for another three years.

Yeah, but in six months, you'll be 16. And that's the legal driving age in D

Well, I rounded up all the kids, Miss Capitol Hill.

Kids say the house is assembled and they're awaiting your State of the Union

address.

Jason, these Washington puns are starting to get on my nerves. Would you

stop? Whatever you say, dear.

Hail to the chief.

No, it's a little bit dorky, but...

I'm excited about you taking this job.

Oh, honey, I've thought a lot about this, and Ben's never going to warm up

this move. I just don't think I can go through with it.

Honey, there's a chance of a lifetime.

This thing means a lot to you. Well, it does, or it did.

Look, look, Ben's going to be in college in three years. I'll call Senator

Howard then.

Well, the petition just may be filled by then, Maggie.

Or maybe Chrissy won't want you to move to Washington. By the time you finally

decide to follow your dream, Maggie, it's going to be time to retire.

Honey, you told me that I shouldn't pass up on this opportunity unless I had a

heck of a reason.

Well, I just think that hurting one of my kids is reason enough.

All right.

That's your decision. I support it.

Um, I've got to talk to you.

Uh, before you make your decision, um, I think you should hear how I really

feel.

Carol. What are you doing?

Seeing if this will fit in my dorm room. I'm sure Mom will give it to me if I

make her feel guilty enough.

Carol, Mom is not going anywhere.

Mike, there is no way she could pass up a job like this. Carol, I'm telling you,

not going to happen.

Okay, everyone, I've made my decision.

I'm taking the job in Washington.

You are?

And I'm getting a car.

You are?