Original subtitles

Attention, people.

Those interested in testifying at Nurse Downer's parole hearing should report to

the office.

All right, there she is. The time to strike is now.

Nothing weird hanging out of my nose?

Just the usual.

What? That's it. I'm not going. Just get over there and talk to her.

Hi, Becca.

Hi, Ben. Listen. Hey, four eyes.

Did I say that you could talk to Becca?

Actually, my name's Ben.

Shut up.

You know, I don't like your attitude.

I don't like the way you talk. I don't even like the way you breathe.

Less nasal, more nasal, a little more through the mouth.

In fact, the only thing I do like about you is your cap.

Thanks, I just got it. Give it to me.

What? Take it off your head and put it in my hand by the time I count to three.

One, two...

Chicken, why don't you cluck?

Look, Razor, I know you're a tough guy, but there are certain things I will not

do.

Uh, so what are we talking here? Like Rhode Island Red, which is kind of a...

Like a Jersey Giant, which is kind of...

Thank you.

I told you to get in the bath.

I don't want to.

Okay, Daddy, whatever you say.

Wait a minute. She ignores me totally and you just clear your throat?

What is this, some kind of psychological minimalist type of thing?

No, no, just kind of, you know, choking on a chiclet kind of thing.

That's it. I've made my decision and you're not talking me out of it. I want

gun.

Forget it.

Okay, you talk me out of it. Here's plan B. I want to take karate lessons.

Karate? Why?

You guys remember my brand new $27 cap?

Well, this punk at school named Razor made me give it to him in front of Becca

and everybody.

Come on, Ben. You've had to deal with bullies.

$27 cap?

This kid is dangerous.

He is certified USDA mean.

Well, I think you should report this to the vice principal.

A kid tried that last year. Now he's living in Nevada under an assumed name.

There's got to be a better way to handle this, Ben. Why don't you just go...

What's so bad about karate?

I mean, it's philosophical, it's graceful, and it teaches you how to put

foot through somebody's brain.

Ben, if that's why you want to learn karate, you can forget it.

Fine. Then let me go look in my closet to see if I have anything else in razor

size.

Now, wait a minute, Ben.

Maggie, maybe it's not such a bad idea to let him take a few karate lessons. No

way. Well, you don't know what it's like. You've never had somebody bully

around at school.

Well, as a matter of fact, D .D. Robotho tried to keep me from using the girls'

bathroom my entire junior year.

So what did you do?

I gave up liquids during school hours.

See, he gave in.

That's not the way you want Ben to solve this. Well, I know that, Jason, but I

also don't want him putting his foot through someone's brain.

Well, right now, someone's brain is inside Ben's cap.

I don't like violence any more than you do, but we're both going to feel better

if he knows how to protect himself.

Yeah, but I just wish there was some way he could reason with this boy.

Maggie, it is my experience there are two kinds of people, those you reason

and those named Razor.

Mike, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me sell my car.

Oh, how can I not help? Dwight, you could be the man that marries Carolyn

takes her far, far away.

I'm just thanking you in advance.

Excuse me. I'm here about the car. Oh, yes.

I'm telling you, they broke the mold when they made this baby.

Oh, I sure hope so. It's got a faulty heater hose. The fan belt's worn out. It

doesn't start in the rain. The starter kind of goes...

And when you turn the radio on, the lights go off.

Good luck.

Wait. What are you doing?

Telling the truth.

To sell a used car?

Mike, you aren't suggesting that I lie, are you? No, I'm ordering you to lie.

Mike, I've only lied once in my whole life. I told my mother that I washed my

hands for dinner when I hadn't.

The words were barely out of my mouth when a very large piece of Skylab came

crashing down through a roof.

It was an omen, Mike.

Okay, Chicken Little.

Okay, we won't call it lying. We'll just call it accentuating the positive.

You know, try to think of the good things you can say about the car with a

conscience. If you get hit from behind, there's a pretty good chance it won't

explode.

Hey, you see that? That's how hard it is. Oh.

Okay. But I will not lie.

Dwight, I'm with you 110%. Okay, now let's talk about it while we roll back

odometer.

Okay, Ben, we have to go back to get your uniform.

I'll be right there.

People say you are looking around to find me. Correct. I hate you with great

hatred.

While you are looking for us, we have decimated your little town.

Prepare for a very painful death.

Silence! I am tired of this snappy -patter.

Let us fight and make snappy -patter.

You want to challenge me?

Have you ever seen a fight between Cobra and Mongoose?

Uh, just Mike and my dad when the rent's due.

Same principle.

Attack, counterattack.

Get ready. We're going to go faster now. Go.

One, two, three.

Master Sim, please. You might hurt him.

Oh, Mom.

Ben, take a break.

I'm sorry, Master Sim, but this is all much too violent.

Karate is not about violence. Silence, Mr. Seaver.

Karate is about control.

Control of yourself first, and then control of someone who may be trying to

you. Look, Mom, no one's getting hurt. Come on, I'll show you.

No, the only hand -to -hand combat I do is at the Macy's Whitesale.

Mom, I'll just be showing you how I'm learning to defend myself.

Is that all right, Master Sim?

Yes, but remember, your mother has had no lessons, so block or blow it, but

don't count a punch.

Okay, Mom.

So try and punch me.

Oh.

Mom, a punch, not a slap.

Come on.

Good footwork, Ben.

Okay, Mom, now really let me have it this time.

Okay, Ben, if you're sure.

I really think that if you keep up this karate and you study real hard for the

next three years, you could take Mo.

After that, who knows?

Grandma? Carol?

Probably most of the girls at school.

My mother clocks me. My brother makes fun of me.

How much worse can this get?

I see you are depressed and humiliated.

Oh, please, Mom. Don't make fun of me.

Don't be silly, little blonde boy. I would never do such a thing. Unless I

help, of course, from family and friends.

You are so very weak.

I have replaced your CDs with... Pericomo records.

And painted your guitar!

and put new sheets on your bed decorated with tiny hearts and flowers.

Come on, you guys.

I grow weary of these attacks. Let his friends at

school attack him.

No, please, Mom, don't make me go to school.

Have no fear, little blonde boy. We shall send you to school with a fearsome

bodyguard.

and finish your breakfast.

Mom, I made my decision. I'm quitting karate.

You want to quit?

Yeah. I'd quit school, but it's illegal.

I'd quit the family, but I'd starve.

Look, you mind if I stay home from school today? I'm not feeling so good.

I guess it's all right.

Thanks.

Well, it certainly looks fine.

I'll take it.

a couple of problems that you should... Say, Dwight, do you happen to have the

same craving for some port wine cheese balls as I do?

Why, yes, I do. I thought it was just me.

Why don't you go whip us up some and I'll close the deal. Sure.

What are these problems he's talking about?

Oh, nothing, man. That's just Dwight. He happens to think that we're not

charging enough.

But since when is selling a car about making money?

It's about people helping people, right?

Isn't that sweet?

Say, what's that black puddle under there?

Oh, that's perfectly normal.

It's, well, just the same way that your body sweats, a car releases moisture.

That's a sign of health.

Well, my friends say I should have it checked by a mechanic,

but... You have such an honest face.

Shall I make the check out for you?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No, no. Man, it's a rolling death trap. Quick, get out of here before I sell it

to you again.

Well, well, well. You told the truth. I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.

Cheese ball?

Doofus.

Oh, sorry.

Well, Mike, I guess you're right.

We'll never sell the car by telling the truth.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got an idea.

Dwight, you pop the hood. I'm going to get my tools. You and I are going to fix

this car.

That's the trunk.

Oh, my God, where have I been putting the oil?

Okay, all right, we'll deal with Ben your way. Trust me, Jason, it'll work.

Last time you said that, we had to get married.

Oh, coming.

Hey, Dad.

Your mom says you want to give up karate lessons.

Look, Dad, I tried, I failed. My life is ruined. Oh, come on. That eye's going

to be fine.

There's no reason why you can't go right back to karate class.

Jason, what are you talking about? The next person he fights might not love him

like I do.

Well, I don't want our son to give up just because he got hurt, Maggie.

Jason, he wasn't just hurt. He was taken out, flattened, destroyed by his mommy.

I'm sorry, Peaky. Does it still hurt?

No. I've made peace with being a four -eyed geek whose butt was kicked by his

mother.

Ben, look, I don't want you to quit, and I'm going to tell you why.

Oh, please, Dad, no pep talk.

Oh, come on. I mean, you've been down before, Ben, and every time you've been

down before, you reach down deeper for some of that heck -I -can -do -it -Sever

spirit, right?

I thought you were going to give me a pep talk.

What about the cap thing?

Oh, it's very simple. From now on, we dress him in plain generic clothes that

other kid would be caught dead in.

Jason, let him quit.

Oh, we still gotta eat the cons of those karate lessons. Chrissy can take them.

Honey, we should just face it. It's obvious that Ben doesn't have the

the drive, or the ability.

God knows he's a klutz.

Okay, okay.

I'm starting to feel that, heck, I can do with fever spirit.

Mom, Dad, I'm going back to karate.

And you know, You guys used to be much better at this good cop, bad cop thing.

So, aren't you glad you trusted me? Both times.

Because it could.

It's kind of old.

How's she holding up?

Just like brand new, because I have, and may a satellite strike me if I'm lying,

not only tuned it up, but I have changed the brakes, I've checked the alignment,

fixed the fuel pump, I have replaced all the hoses and preset all the radio

stations. Sounds great.

Will you accept a personal check?

No.

Even with two forms of ID?

No.

All right, I'll offer you cash.

No.

We're not selling.

Dwight, we're not what?

Mike, I only wanted to sell it because the road is... And now it's gone. It's

going to... And my heart's going to... Dwight.

Will you join me for a minute in this time zone?

Mike, thanks to you, I love my car again.

And we're not selling.

Why, you cheese -eating, tangled -haired, medieval moron! I put over $500

labor into this hunk of junk.

Thank you.

Hey, Ben, looking fresh.

Thanks, babe.

Wow, it's Becca.

Finally, I'm ready to talk to her. If Becca's around, so is Razor.

Don't worry about her. I know what to do.

Hi, Becca.

Hi, Ben.

Hi, geek.

My name's Ben.

Oh, that's right.

You had it written inside my new hat.

Look, I don't want any trouble.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what I want?

I want that nice new jacket you got on.

Okay, he's facing three quarters to the left.

That leaves him wide open for a fake jab, step him back, kick to the rib, and

I'd finish him off with a palm thrust to the nose.

What are you staring at, geek? Am I going to have to bust you one?

I said give it to me now.

Somebody

get

the nurse quick. This guy's hurt.

What are you staring at, geek? Am I going to have to bust you one?

I said give it to me now.

No.

I'm not giving you this jacket or anything else ever again.

Whoa, big man, huh? Big words.

All right, geek, come on, let's throw.

Show me what you got, tough guy, huh?

Come on, let's go for it right here, right now. Go for it.

He's wide open. The dude will never see it coming.

Control. Don't touch him unless you have to.

Come on, geek.

Let's go for it, huh? Huh?

I'm not gonna fight you.

Did you hear that? He said he's not gonna fight me, huh?

What am I supposed to do, huh? Stand on his feet and use him like a punching

bag?

Look at the dude. He's frozen.

Come on, baby. Let's get out of here.

Man, you were amazing.

Thanks. I came real close to getting ugly.

Now, speaking of ugly, you can forget about Beck if she's not worth it.

Excuse me, Ben.

Yeah?

I really like the way you handled that creep.

Thanks.

Save you a seat at lunch?

Sure.

I'm always hungry.