Original subtitles

If you believe it, I bagged an A -minus on the test. How'd you do? No big deal.

A -plus?

I made some lucky guesses.

In algebra?

It's not like math is an exact science.

Okay, I'll get a B next time.

Sasha Swarovski. Today's the day Sasha's going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins

dance. How do you know? Well, it's the payoff of my master plan of conquest.

Your what? Phase one, I ignored her.

Phase two, sat across from her in the lunchroom, never made eye contact.

Phase three, pulled some strings to get into her English class, sat behind her

the whole year, never talked to her once.

You've been doing this all semester.

Don't be silly. It's in sixth grade.

And it's definitely worth it because now I have become that unattainable,

desirable man of mystery.

Okay.

She wants me so bad.

What? What do you buy? She practically undressed me with her eyes.

That little teen.

It's time to put that poor love -starved girl out of her misery.

Hi, Ben.

Hi, Cheryl.

Hey, what's going on?

What a coincidence running into you.

It's the 18th coincidence today.

Somehow I seem to have memorized your schedule.

You did?

Look, Cheryl, can we talk later? I'm kind of busy.

Too busy for a history presentation?

Our history presentation?

We signed up as partners in class last week.

I don't remember that.

You were sleeping. I held up your hand.

So, when do you want to get together to work on it?

After school?

Not really.

Tonight? We'll discuss it. Later tonight?

Look, Cheryl, Luke and I have got some man things to talk about. You know,

spitting, scratching.

What? I also wanted to know, would you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me on

Saturday night?

Gee, I'd like to, but I think something might come up. Is that a maybe?

No, I don't know. I think that's the night my mom's having her surgery.

Really?

What's wrong with her?

Nothing serious.

She's donating the kidney.

Oh, my gosh. To who?

Oh, whoever pops up.

Wow, she's really generous.

Now I can see why you're so sweet.

Okay, then, we'll see.

Yeah, right.

Bye.

Anyway, Sasha waits.

Won't kill her.

All right, I've let you dangle long enough.

Your hunk of hunk of burning love is here.

homework assignment today.

Oh, I'm not so sure Mike's the one you want to ask for help.

Sure he is. He can tell me how to get out of it.

Why do you want to get out of it?

Dad, we're not talking bringing a leaf from the backyard.

This is fake time. I have to tell my class what your jobs are.

Well, honey, that sounds like fun, and we'll both help you.

So I'm stuck doing it?

Guess who got an A on her first lab assignment from Felix?

I flunked my mother, Fitzsimmons.

I guess if you want help, there's the person to go to. Help with what? Chrissy

just got her first homework assignment.

That's wonderful.

I remember mine.

We had to describe our favorite time of year.

I chose winter.

All right. Then we had to have two parent -teacher conferences over that

I still can't believe that I was the only five -year -old to see Frosty the

Snowman as a metaphor for death.

I'll wait for Mike.

Dill chips, peanut butter, and mayonnaise.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Mike, you want one of my miracle sandwiches?

What's the miracle?

You can swallow it without hurling.

Thanks anyway, but Kate's making a macrobiotic dinner for me tonight.

I gotta be totally starved to choke it down.

Hey, guys.

There's a girl walking up the walk there.

She's kind of cute. She's about your age.

She must be lost.

Oh, no, it's Cheryl Murray.

We're supposed to work on that stupid assignment. What a pest.

Look, make an excuse for me.

Ben, there is no excuse for you.

What about your history project?

I'm not doing homework when I could be out living the wildlife. I'm going

bowling with Stinky.

Does it get any better than that?

Hey, you must be Cheryl. Come on in.

Ben had to run out.

He... He said that Luke would explain.

Uh, hi. Ben had to go to Stinky's. It was an emergency.

Oh, gee. Anything serious?

Nah. Emergencies happen a lot to guys named Stinky.

You don't have to cover for him.

It's me, isn't it?

He thinks I'm a dork.

Oh, no, he doesn't.

Really? He doesn't even think.

Well... I guess I'll work on my presentation alone.

Well, what's it on?

The 500th anniversary of Columbus's voyage.

Thanks for reminding me, you know. I still have to get him a gift.

Huh? Yeah.

What does a 500 -year -old explorer need?

Mouth to mouth?

Imagine how famous he'd be if he were alive today.

Cover of People magazine.

Doing lunch at the White House.

Guest shocks on Hollywood squares.

I'll take Christopher Columbus to block.

He'd probably be selling his own line of perfume.

Chris Columbus's discovery.

A new world odor.

Today on Oprah, men who exploit the new world and the women who love them.

And of course he'd be an Arsenio.

That's how you should do your project.

Yeah, like a talk show.

Ladies and gentlemen.

He proved the world is bigger and rounder than the Pillsbury Doughboy's

Give it up for my man, Christopher Columbus.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Chris, two words.

New world. How did you do it?

Dedication, perseverance, and regular floggings.

I hear you. Okay.

You're an explorer.

You're a sailor.

You're a navigator.

What next?

I want to direct.

We've got to take a break. We'll be right back.

So then since people come into your office and they lay down on the couch.

people do, yes.

Do you make them take a nap? No, no, no. They don't sleep. The couch just helps

them relax.

Is this before or after you shrink their heads?

That's a figure of speech.

I just talk to them.

About what?

Well. whatever they want to talk about, whatever they need to talk about.

A lady came in to see me yesterday because she was really upset with her

husband. Like Mommy?

No, no, this lady's upset all the time.

Oh, like Carol.

No, no, let's see.

People think they know the reasons they do things.

But inside of every person, there's sort of a second person in there. And that's

the real reason we do things. See, and these two people are always fighting

each other, trying to control the third person.

This would be easier if you understood the id, ego, and superego.

This would be easier if you were a fireman.

Oh, man, I am starved. I need something with meat or sugar or fat in it.

That's your way to Kate's.

Oh, well, we had, let's see, hay, stucco patties, and for

dessert, we split a chia pet.

Well, how about I make you a sandwich with no ingredients that occur in

All right, now that's food.

Mike, I need your advice about dating. And Ben.

Oh, that's easy enough. He's not your type.

I'm talking about Cheryl.

Oh, is that the girl that was here earlier?

Yeah, anyway, she likes Ben.

Oh, so she's insane.

Maybe, but I like her.

And I think she likes me.

I mean, ever since she left, she's all I can think about.

And Ben, well, I get the impression he'd like her to disappear.

Yeah, what makes you think that?

Well, he said I wish he'd disappear.

Great, then what's the problem?

I don't know the rules about dating. Is it all right for me to see Cheryl again?

Yeah, sounds great to me. I mean, you get her, she gets you, and Ben gets

Stinky.

Hey, nice sweater.

I got one just like it, only I never wear it. It makes me look like a dork.

Actually, this is your sweater.

I mean, I didn't think you'd mind. Everybody says it makes you look like a

Hey, there she is.

How's this out?

So, uh, Sasha, do you want anything special Saturday night between 8 and

midnight? What do you think?

Nice balance between subtlety and begging.

Oh, no, not now. It's Cheryl.

At least I think it's Cheryl.

She looks so girl -like.

Look, do me a favor. Keep her busy so she doesn't blow my chances with Sasha.

Hi,

Ben. Hi, Luke.

Uh, Cheryl, um, I gotta run. Luke was just asking me about my schedule. Maybe

you could fill him in?

Hi, Sasha.

Speaking of the Sadie Hawkins dance... Me and you? What are you, joking?

Not in a million years.

Don't ever speak to me again.

Hey, I already have a date for the dance.

Just quit throwing yourself at me. It's over, baby.

So, Cheryl, I've got some good news.

They found someone for your mom's kidney?

No. Actually, nobody needed it, so they put it back. Uh -huh.

So now I can go to the dance with you.

Gee, Ben, I'm sorry, but since you didn't give me an answer, I'm going with

Luke.

Okay, come on, Chrissy. The best way to learn about my job is to help me do it.

Now, I'm writing an article for the newspaper.

About murders and stuff?

No, but it's very important.

About what?

Boxer shorts.

Oh, really?

Honey, a consumer reporter tests different products to tell people which

they should buy. Today, it's men's boxer shorts.

Happy man boxer shorts.

If what's inside your shorts really matters...

Only happy man shorts will do.

Okay, let's test the waistband.

Ouch. The elastic has to be strong. Who wants their shorts around their ankles?

Not me.

They also claim to be specially treated to resist stains. Well, we shall see.

This is a lot more fun than Daddy's job.

Okay, we'll finish up later. Let's get dinner out of the oven.

Where's Luke?

Oh, I think he's... Luke!

Upstairs. Luke!

Good pipes. Every look within five miles is on his way over.

I can't believe you humiliated me in front of the entire school.

What? You know Cheryl Murray was my territory.

The territory? You treat her like dog dirt.

We've got a special relationship.

It's none of your business.

Yeah? Well, I'm making it my business. I'm the guy who's taking her to the

Hawkins dance.

Yeah, over my dead body. Oh, that can be arranged. Yeah. Anybody ready for some

dinner? Yum, yum. Mmm, boy.

This is my chair. No, it's not.

Yes, it is. I always sit here, the one furthest from Carol.

Ben, you sit next to your sister.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Okay, good night by special request, chicken and mushrooms.

Request? I hate mushrooms.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Beaver. You know it's my favorite.

I've never liked mushrooms.

All my life I've made that very clear.

I will not eat fungus.

No, me either.

I'm fungus.

Like the stuff between Luke's toes.

Stuff between your ears.

Dad, come on, watch it. Your mother went to a lot of trouble defrosting that

chicken.

And opening that can of mushroom soup.

Did I mention I hate mushrooms?

What's the big deal? Just pick them out.

Well, if I was going to pick something out, I'd pick out a new family who lived

in a mushroom -free zone.

Can we just have some pleasant conversation around here?

Fine. All right.

So, Luke, you making a lot of new friends at school?

Ben, are you all right?

It's the fungus.

I'm fine. Sorry if my near -death experience ruined anyone's meal.

You didn't ruin mine. I'm fine. No problem here.

Carol, will you please ask Luke to pass the salt?

Luke, pass Ben the salt, please.

Tell him I'll save him some in case he wants to pour any of it in my wounds.

Listen, I don't know why you're so mad at me. Mike said I wasn't doing anything

wrong.

You told him to do this to me?

Man, would you keep it down? I'm trying to enjoy my chicken here. Oh, you like

dinner so much, you can have some of mine.

Hey, stop it! What's going on between you guys? What are you throwing food at

for? I'm sorry. Excuse me. I didn't mean to throw food at Mike.

I meant to throw it at him.

I said stop it. Out of here.

All you guys.

And you go with him since you obviously have something to do with this, Mike.

Big surprise.

Can't they stay? I've never seen a food fight before.

You just stay here and eat your chicken and fungus.

Come on, Ben. We didn't think you were interested in Cheryl.

It didn't mean I wanted her stolen away by some sniveling weasel. Yeah, well,

the sniveling weasel's gonna pop you off. Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, come on.

You're fighting over a girl.

All right, now, why don't you save it for the important stuff, like who gets

remote control?

That's another thing. How come he gets the remote control all the time? Yeah,

how would you like the channels changed on your face?

Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, knock it off.

All right, now, Luke, come on. Go upstairs and give me a minute to figure

out with Ben.

Sure, I gotta go Q -tip the mashed potatoes out of my ear.

Now, Ben, you mind telling me what's going on here?

Cheryl adored me.

She worshipped at the Shrine O 'Ben.

Oh, now, come on. Do you think that's really fair to use some girl like that

stroke your own ego?

Of course.

Ben, what if some girl was doing the same thing to you?

Oh, whoa, I'm starting to sound like Dad.

How's my hair?

Mike, she made me feel important.

I mean, all my life, I've been Fever's little brother.

I mean, that's all I ever heard.

I'm finally out of your shadow. Now I'm the kid who lives with Luke.

I mean, he gets better grades than me, looks better in my clothes, and I choke

on his mushrooms.

He's even stealing the advice you should be giving me.

You're my brother, not Luke.

Oh, did you tell him about our jobs?

Yeah, it was great. I even drew pictures.

Oh, how nice.

And very imaginative.

Yeah, it was great.

First, I told him what Daddy does.

I said he takes women into his office, closes the door, and makes them lay on

the couch.

An hour later, they come out crying and give him money.

And what did you tell him about my job?

I said that you were way more fun than Daddy.

I said that you love to snap men's boxes.

Over and over.

Because you're like a happy man.

Uh -oh.

I said when you finish, you throw hot coffee in them.

Well, what did your teacher think of this report?

She must have liked it. She told me to go straight home and have you call her.

Yeah, why don't we do that right now?

Hi, is Ben home?

Yeah, come on in.

Ben?

Cheryl, what a pleasant surprise.

I just came here to drop off your history notes, since we won't be doing

presentation together.

What are you talking about? We're partners.

Not anymore.

Cheryl, what happened to our relationship that let an outsider come

You never called, we never went out, and you made fun of me at school.

Sure, if you want a nitpick.

We can make things the way they used to be.

The way they used to be?

Me hanging around your locker, doing your homework, hoping that just once

eat lunch with me?

Work for me.

Forget it.

It didn't make you like me.

And you know what? I didn't like me either.

Luke may not be interested in me, but things are never going back to the way

they were.

Wait. Wait a minute.

What do you mean Luke's not interested in you?

Ask him. He broke our date.

He did? Why?

He said something about family problems.

Look, Cheryl.

I've been a jerk and I'm sorry.

Would you mind going into the kitchen for a minute?

Why? Do you want me to fix you dinner?

Just for a minute, please.

Luke!

You bellowed?

Listen, what happened between you and Cheryl?

Nothing happened. Nothing's going to happen.

But I thought you said you really liked her.

Yeah, but I didn't know you'd get so free. And besides, you and your family

been so good to me.

This wasn't how I wanted to repay you.

See you around.

Luke, we don't need you to repay us. You know, we want you here.

I've seen it happen to kids before.

One day you just go too far and wear out your welcome.

If that were true, Carol would have been gone a long time ago.

Well, we never did fight over mushrooms and sweaters before.

Look, I'd never fight like that with a stranger.

Only a brother.

Who really kicks me off.

It feels mutual.

Well, since it looks like we're both going to be here a while, would you

mind doing me a favor?

Sure. Go check out my history presentation.

It's in the kitchen.

The history presentation?

Just get in there, mushroom breath.

Luke.

Cheryl.

Listen, I better go.

No, no, no. You can stay. I'll go.

No, no, no. You can stay.

No, no. I'm going.

Luke, you live here.

Oh.

Well, see ya.

Look, Cheryl.

There are two ways I can play this.

I can spend the next three years ignoring you until you're crazy with

me.

Or plan B.

I could ask you here and now to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

No, you can't.

I'm supposed to ask you.

Okay.

Two words.

Sadie Hawkins.

One word.

Yes.