Original subtitles

Hey, the Seavers guys' day out was one great idea. Yeah, just four guys out on

the town. Eating anything we want. Walking past discount jewelers without

missing a beat.

You guys remember last month when Mom and Carol came in that Bulls game?

Oh, yeah. Remember what she said? It's just not fair because some of the guys

are so much taller than the others.

What? What?

Something's wrong.

Our train's leaving on time.

Happy New Fellas. Care to take your luck? Don't forget you, too. Hey, all

gotta do is find the queen.

Barney?

Abe!

I've been worried sick about you. Where you been?

I'm fine. I've been living with the family in the suburbs.

Oh, that's great.

Have they found out yet?

I'm Jason Seaver. Oh, Barney Papadakis.

Boy, you clean up good.

You're blonde.

You look good, too, Barney.

Yeah, well, it's this new exercise program.

Every time I see a transit cop, I run a quarter of a mile.

Speaking of which, Officer Anderson.

Love the outfit.

Blue is your color.

Now, Barney, you wouldn't be running any kind of illegal gambling here now,

would you?

No, see, actually, I was playing 52 -card pick -up.

With three cards?

I'm not very good.

Beat it, Barney.

Gotcha.

Well, so long, fellas. I got enough quarters to go to the bus station and

the whole molly dod.

Nice seeing you, Abe.

See you, Barney.

So, you know this guy, huh?

Everybody on the street knows Barney. If you need a place to sleep and some

food, Barney's the guy to see.

And if he's good, I guess he can do all right running a card scam.

It's not a scam.

Barney is New York's only honest three -card monster.

He's got faster hands than one baby.

Why does he call you Abe?

Well, it's because my birthday is the same as Lincoln's.

Your birthday's December 25th?

Right. Wait, wait a minute. Your birthday is next week? And you didn't

about it?

What are you, nuts?

How do you expect to get any good presents?

Hey, I don't need any presents.

Oh, Luke.

He's just kidding, Dad.

Actually, he wants a leather jacket of my size.

times do I have to tell you? I don't want you guys throwing me a party. Luke,

I'm just talking about some potato chips and a balloon or two.

I have a great idea.

What? Go to Chuck E. Cheese.

Yeah, right.

Luke really wants to spend his 16th birthday throwing pepperoni at six -foot

mechanical mice.

Now that's a party.

The secret to a great party is who isn't there when you have it.

Huh? You know, a more private gathering.

just you and me?

What Ben is trying to say is that you should wait until Jason and I are out

have a wild party here at the house.

Or we could do that.

Forget it.

Hey, it was Mom's idea.

Okay, okay, okay, I give up. You can throw me a party.

All right.

But please, don't make it a big deal, all right?

How can we? Mom and Dad insist on being there.

The party's gonna be a dud, but you can still make out like a bandit on the

gifts. But I don't want... I don't want any gifts. Would you quit thinking of

yourself?

Okay, Chrissy, time for... Chrissy, were you playing in my jewelry box again

after I told you not to?

Why would you think that?

Because Mr. Blowhole was wearing my good pearl earrings.

Bad whale! Bad whale!

You know, guys, I'm going to make this the best birthday party ever.

I've got an idea.

This idea is so great, it even scares me.

Last time you said that, I lost my eyebrows.

Hi, Dwight. Hey.

Here's the keys to the wagon.

Did Carol's plane get off safely?

Unfortunately, yes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's alive and all, but...

What am I going to do for a month while she's away doing research at the British

Museum? Oh, don't take it so hard, Dwight. She's going to be back before

know it.

Which reminds me, her plane left six hours ago. Where have you been?

Well, I stood there and I watched the vapor trail from her plane evaporate.

For six hours?

No, for five minutes.

And then I did what any red -blooded American man would do.

Dwight, have you been drinking?

liar if I didn't confess. I went down and I knocked back a few yoo -hoos at

Bleeker Street Cinema.

You went to the movie. And I saw the avant -garde film festival winner, Death

the Navocado.

Let me just guess here. I bet the ending had something to do with guacamole.

We see this blue lawn chair and this old man comes and he sits down on it. He

plays the xylophone and then he dies.

That fits me.

It's a statement about man's tautological search for metaphysical

Where's the avocado?

There is no avocado.

If it's called Death of an Avocado, shouldn't there be an avocado in there?

Well, that would be a little bit obvious, don't you think?

My Little Pony?

Is this the banner Mike wanted us to get?

It's my favorite.

Are you sure?

It's someone's favorite.

Hey, you know, I don't know why more people don't shop down at Mort's Party

Warehouse. They get some great deals down there. Look at this.

What's that supposed to be?

It's pin the tail on the hamster.

I got it for free with the purchase of 20 party hats.

Jason, this is Greek.

Does it say happy birthday?

Well, the salesman wasn't sure. It's either that or Dukakis in 88.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry to insinuate that you were cheap.

All right, apology accepted.

Now, where's Ben? He's supposed to help me find last year's candles.

Oh, he and Dwight went to get more ice cream.

Dwight's here again?

Well, honey, he misses Carol, and he's lonely.

Yeah, but it seems like the last couple of days, every time I turn around,

there's Dwight.

You're exaggerating.

Last night he was reading the newspaper over my shoulder.

In the bathroom.

Leave him alone. Besides, he and Ben are really starting to get along.

See, see, the lawn chair symbolizes the ontological conundrum that is this very

existence.

That's great, Dwight.

I never thought I'd hear myself say these words, but get Carol back now.

Dr. Seaver, I got licorice pineapple crunch ice cream. That's not too much of

cliche.

Well, maybe we can find something exotic to put on top.

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

Creamed corn.

Luke, get down here. Everybody else, come here.

Come here, quick.

Oh, you got creamed corn. You got a party.

Luke, ready for your birthday present?

Barney showed me how to do a card trick. Oh, great.

Let's see.

Find the queen.

Where's she hiding?

Hey, look at me, buddy.

Come on, kiddo. Maybe we should talk to him a little later.

Oh, come on, Barney. Show him how you do it. No.

He's a lot better than I am.

Oh, come on, Barney. Well,

okay.

Find the queen.

Where's she hiding? Tower of London? Buckingham Palace?

Motel 6?

No offense, Barney, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fold

Ben's seat.

How'd you do that?

Well, I tell you, this is a lot better than your last birthday, huh, Abe?

Why? What happened?

Oh, Barney and some of the guys snuck me into the zoo after hours.

Boy, did we eat well that night. What did you eat?

Hot dogs. The dumpster was full of them.

No matter what, you always helped us out. You always get us a place to sleep

some food.

It's a gift.

Sounds like Luke was pretty lucky to have you looking out for him.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to excuse me. I have to answer nature's

Oh, Barney, why don't you just go upstairs, second door on the right?

Of course, I have it.

What do you say we play some games? Sure. Yeah, all right. Oh, I have a

one. Well, it's been the doofus.

Maybe later.

This is called semantics.

Someone names a word, and then we all try to give it subtle shades of meaning.

Stay back, ladies. Carol saw him first.

Troy, that sounds like the kind of game that usually ends a party.

I've noticed that.

Maybe we can build up to that, but how about a rousing game of pin the tail on

the hamster?

Where's the camera? I want to get a picture of this. Upstairs, hall closet.

I'll get it.

Um, I just have one question about this hamster thing.

How do we hold the little guy down?

What were you doing?

Oh, just seeing how the other half lives.

You know, this statue thing pulls this whole room together.

What were you doing in Mrs. Seaver's jewelry box?

Barney, were you going to take something?

Hey, how could you say something like that?

Well, I... I was on my way to the bathroom, and the door was open.

I know I shouldn't have come in here, but I saw the jewelry box on the

I used to look through my mom's all the time.

Hers had this...

Little dancing ballerina in it.

And I just wanted to see if this one had one, too.

Barney, I'm sorry. You know, I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion like that.

Hey, you forgive me?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, let's go back downstairs.

Yeah.

By the way, what's with the Dukakis hats?

You're warm. Yeah, you're really, really warm.

Oh, I can't leave now. I'm winning.

What do you say you open up your presents, huh?

This one's for me and Carol.

The complete works of Schopenhauer.

I knew it. You already read it.

Hey, but not in its original...

Mega slime?

Hammer and fickle? The nurses?

Yeah, it's got their hit single, Turn Your Head and Cough.

You want to borrow your Walkman sometime, sir?

Hey, maybe you ought to open ours next.

Hey, my old Walkman!

Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, are those the pearls I gave you for our anniversary?

No, honey, they're the real ones.

broke them, and glued them back together with rubber cement.

Uh, open my net.

I'll be right back.

It's the whole family.

That's you.

Thanks.

It's the best present I've ever gotten.

Will you put it on your wall?

Hey, I'll do it right now. I'll even move my Christina Applegate poster.

I made it off the refrigerator.

Finally. The big time.

Is something wrong, Mrs. Heber?

Oh, no, Luke. I'm just looking for an old ring my grandmother gave me. It's

usually right in here.

It's gone?

Yeah, and the box was open.

Chrissy must have been playing with my jewelry again.

Luke, Barney wasn't in here at all, was he?

Barney? Oh, my God, what a horrible thing to say.

I mean, I know just because he's homeless, it doesn't mean that he'd

No, that's okay, Mrs. Seymour. No, it isn't, and I'm very sorry.

I mean, Carol loves that ring.

I bet she'd borrowed it to take it to England with her. How silly of me.

Come on, Ruthie boy, let's go back downstairs.

I'll be down in just a second. I just want to hang this up.

Okay, three words. Third word. Third word is... It sounds like... It sounds

big. Huge.

Hair. Big, huge hair.

Dolly Parton movie.

If it was a Dolly Parton movie, it'd be big, huge. Bend.

Okay, okay. Sounds like... Sounds like hair.

Hair, pear, pear.

Freddie Stare. Au contraire. Baudelaire. Smoke in the air. Sonny and Cher.

It was truth or dare, and you wait till it's your turn, Dwight.

All right, my turn.

Uh, Planet of the Apes.

It just popped out.

Movie, movie.

You're taking, you're stealing.

You're a robber. Lawyer.

Thief.

To catch a thief.

a little chilly in here. You want to help me go start a fire? Sure, where you

keep the trash can.

My turn.

No, no, no. No, no, come on. It's only fair that Chrissy gets her turn. Mom,

come on. She always reads them wrong.

Last time we spent half an hour trying to figure out the sound of mustard.

Boy, you could cook a lot of potatoes with that.

I want the ring you took out of Mr. Seaver's jewelry box.

Not that again. I told you I was just looking around.

I want the ring.

No. I don't believe it. How could you just steal something like that?

Well, it's to feed my addiction. I'm going through food withdrawal.

But how could you do it to the people who were nice enough to take me in?

Hey, you don't need that ring. You'd do fine playing three -card Monty.

Hey, come on. They're probably wondering where we are. We could have chopped the

whole tree down by now. Let's go.

believe you.

You stand there in those designer clothes and now you tell me it's wrong

steal?

Well, what do you think is going to happen to you when you turn 18?

They got four kids.

Think they're going to get you a car? Think they're going to send you to

college?

Two years from now, you're going to be back down the street.

You're not one of them.

You're one of us.

You know it and I know it.

And that's why you're not going to call the cops.

Are you?

No.

Hey, Mon, I don't like to see you like this.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We'll play three -card money for the ring.

And maybe you can win it back from me fair and square.

What's fair about that? You always win.

I'll up the odds.

I'll give you three tries.

Find the queen just once.

You get the ring.

And if I don't?

I get to eat regular for a few months.

I can't gamble with you if I miss the receiver's ring.

Big nose. Big nose.

Bob Hope.

Now, this is dangerous liaison.

I like Pinocchio better.

Well, folks, I hate to eat and ruin, but I got to get back into town.

Hey, Barney.

I thought we were going to play a little three -card Monty.

You want to play?

I said so.

Well, all right.

Oh, good.

But my money's on Barney. Me too.

Okay, once upon a time...

There was a sleeping beauty.

And a handsome prince had to open the right door to wake her with a kiss.

Uh -oh.

Sorry, wrong door.

Find the queen. Where is she hiding? Upstairs? Downstairs?

In my lady's chamber?

Tough luck, kid.

Try again.

Hey. Hey, Luke, you tell yourself.

Nobody can beat this guy.

I choose this one.

Because if this is a two, and this is a seven,

then this must be the queen.

Hey!

So it's everybody's first playing games in the kitchen. Everyone except Luke.

I'll get the forks. Okay, right.

I'll get the plates and the cream corn.

You the whole time?

Actually, I really thought you were the world's only honest three -card Monty

player.

Yep.

Here's your ring.

Hey, look, kid.

It's part of life on the street.

See, there comes a time when you have to put your priorities in order.

That still doesn't change the fact that this kind of stuff is wrong.

Hey, why don't you get a job, you know?

Start over.

That's easy for you to say. I don't exactly have the look the employment

agencies want.

Here.

What's this for?

Something to remember me by.

Hmm. Switch movement.

This should impress the guys.

Mind if I, uh... Go ahead and pawn it.

She'll get you a few weeks downtown and some food.

Hey, and some clothes for job interviews.

Thank you.

Take care of yourself.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Luke.

Happy birthday to you.

Did Barney leave already?

Yeah, he just left.

Well, come on, birthday boy. Blow out your candles.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not really hungry.

Something wrong?

No. Oh, I know what it is.

I get depressed after parties. The balloon starts to deflate.

Guests all leave.

Water picks all get put away.

Excuse me. I have something in my eye.

Oh, come on. It's not over yet. Luke, you haven't even finished opening your

present. Yes, I have.

Not this one.

Well, what is it?

That's a savings bond.

For college.

You guys don't have to do this for me. Well, we didn't do it because we have

Luke. We did it because you're part of this family.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Luke. Happy birthday, Luke.