Original subtitles

Ben Seaver, get your hollow head in here.

Mr.

Seaver, do you think that I'm a fool?

Sir, I was just repeating what everyone else was saying.

Don't smart mouth me. You have requested an application for the advanced

placement exam.

What are you planning to do?

Stage a fake fire drill? Set off a smoke bomb?

Iris Dripper?

I'm not planning anything.

I signed up for the test because I really want to take it. Hold your

You expect me to believe that you, Ben Seaver, are college -bound?

Yes, I am. That's why I want to take the test.

Mr. Seaver, you're a pathetic student.

The only person with worse grades than you is that kid who got hit by

This year I'm doing much better than Sparky.

Please, check my grades.

3 .0.

Ms. Dexter, put down that bottle.

Someone has cracked the computer's security code.

All I've been cracking lately is books. If you don't believe me, please ask my

teachers.

L 'chaim.

All right, Mr. Seaver.

I am going to give you the application for the exam.

But if I find out you have been tampering with your grades... Sir, I

tampered with anything.

I... Swear that I, Ben Seaver, am a 3 .0 student. Believe me.

Fran, what are you doing?

Carol, I'm tired of being selfish.

I have made a decision that will change both of our lives.

You're going to pick up your toenails after you clip them?

No.

I finally realized that it's time I gave a little back.

So I've taken a job in Africa.

You're going to work in a third world country?

I'm not sure what number it is.

Will you be working in hospitals, building homes, farming?

Better. I'll be teaching low -impact aerobics at a club met in Senegal.

Brianne, I don't know what to say.

Oh, you're going to miss me.

That hardly describes it.

I've got a plane to catch.

Brianne. I will never forget you. Don't you cry.

I'll be strong.

It's over. She's gone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brianne has left the building.

What's shaking?

I'm playing a game of hide and eat with Chrissy. Isn't it hide and seek?

You play your way. I'll play mine.

The advanced placement exam.

Ooh, smart guy.

Keep it down. I don't want Mom and Dad to know. If I fail, nobody will be the

wiser.

Hey, guys.

Where's Dad? I need to hit him up for a loan before he meets with his

accountant. Do you think I'm made of money?

Too late.

You guys! You guys will never guess what happened.

Brianne moved out, and I'm going to be alone for the rest of the semester.

Oh, Carol, wake up. You're going to be alone for the rest of your life.

You guys can laugh if you want, but I'm here to pack up and leave this place

forever. You are seeing this face for the last time.

Does anyone want to feel that one?

Hey, look, lighten up. May I remind you that Carol is very important to us.

Oh, you're right. She's your sister.

What the heck was that? She's got a room that you could have.

Absolutely. It's yours.

Carol doesn't live here anymore.

Great. Hey, you back up the car. We'll throw your junk out the window.

This is great. As soon as I get back from the library, I'm moving it.

I thought you'd never find me.

I thought so, too.

Okay, Ben, now it's your turn to hide.

Oh, goody.

licensed CPA, but I'll try to explain it in layman's terms. See, you don't send

bills, you don't get paid.

Well, Carol used to input my dad on computer. Now she's away at college.

one of your other kids help? Yeah, Mike's too busy.

Chrissy's five, and Ben, he's a sweet kid, but let's face it, he's no

Oh, you're driving a Lamborghini?

I'm not behind in my billing.

Could I honk the horn?

Eh, he wouldn't. He might.

This is where I hid. How stupid can you be?

Ask Dad.

Hello. Uh, excuse me.

Can I help you?

I was just admiring the pitch of your roof.

They're all the time.

Believe it or not, you're the first.

Are you a roofer?

Oh, no.

It's only a hobby.

I see.

I'm your new neighbor.

Do you know the Neo -Victorian House?

The what?

With the Renaissance influence.

What are you talking about?

This street, three houses down.

Oh.

Oh.

advice. If you ever order a pizza, just give them your address.

Let me take a wild shot here. You're a friend of Carol's, right?

Carol.

Carol?

I could say that name for hours.

Well, please don't. I just ate.

Hey, Conan, the librarian!

Dwight?

Woo -hoo.

You were still the prettiest girl. I've ever seen.

Dwight, where did you come from?

This street, three houses down.

The Neo -Victorian with the Renaissance influence?

I rented it a month ago to be near you while I work on my Ph .D. in medieval

studies. But we haven't even spoken since the dance at the Catskills.

Don't you remember? I told you then that I'd be moving to Long Island so that we

could be together.

You said, see you around.

Right, and then the next day I moved here.

me and this is the first time you've come over?

I didn't want to appear too forward.

Wow.

Nobody has ever changed their zip code for me. I mean, hardly anyone's held a

door for me.

I don't know what to say.

I knew it.

I'm rushing you.

Pushy, pushy, pushy.

I'll come back next month.

No, wait.

I think it's sweet.

I'm glad you tracked me down.

Groovy.

Would you like to come over to my house and listen to some Gregorian chants?

You have them on CD?

No, I sing them.

Groovy.

Hey, yo, Ben.

What's up?

Nothing. You look like you just found out your twin brother was ugly.

You know, I got the study guide for the advanced placement exam, and it's not as

hard as we thought. Listen to this.

Three boys share a three -quart canteen of water. If the first boy drinks twice

as much as the other two, what do they each get?

A mouthful of backwash.

What's with you? Yesterday you were all pumped about taking a test.

Yeah? Well, that was before I played hide -and -seek.

Okay, first I'm going to move all of Carol's stuffed animals to the attic.

going to get rid of all those dead flowers.

And then I'm going to get one of those pictures of those dogs playing poker.

Get two. I need a birthday present for Tate.

Hey, guys, what's this?

This is my ticket to a good university.

I don't want to end up at Alf Landon Junior College.

You know, their entrance exam is guessing the number of beans in a jar.

Mike went to Alf Landon.

And for your information, that bean thing isn't half as easy as it sounds.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dad.

I could use... some assistance with the firewood. Uh, sorry, no can do. Luke and

I gotta go fumigate Carol's room.

Well, Ben, could you pick out four or five good dry logs, please?

Kenny, you want to come in for some hot chocolate? Oh, no, thank you, Dr. T. But

I've got to go home and study.

Study? Ah, to my boys, study is just a room where Mrs. Peacock killed Colonel

Mustard with a lead pipe.

Well, you want to get together and review this tomorrow?

We'll see.

We just spent the last six hours together.

I know. It only seemed like two hours and 38 minutes.

It's amazing how much we have in common. I can't believe somebody else actually

knows all the president's birthstones.

I have to be honest with you. Millard Fillmore Turquoise was just a lucky

Carol, I've never felt such an intense connection with anyone else before.

I'm on fire.

Me too.

I can feel the electricity flowing through my body. I can't wait another

Woo -hoo.

Me too.

From now on, this will be our driveway.

Can we meet right here tomorrow?

dorm, gave away my room, and told my family they'd never see me again.

Tomorrow it is.

Carol, I thought you were going to New York.

Mother, the most amazing thing has happened.

Do you remember Dwight Halliburton from the Catskills?

The one who kept hitting himself in the head?

Right. And guess what?

Now he's doing it in our neighborhood.

He has uprooted his whole life to move near me.

Well, that sounds very romantic.

Bizarre, but romantic.

So I'll be staying here tonight.

Oh, but Carol, you gave your room to Luke today.

Oh, well, that's okay. I'll sleep on a fold -out. I'll sleep on the roof if I

can sleep at all.

I'm soaring like a bird, dancing like the breeze.

Chattering like a baboon.

Oh, Mike, you are so funny.

No,

no, no, Ben, not like that.

I thought I told you to get dry ones, Ben. Please, go get a couple more. Use

your head.

Hey, Ben, just the guy I need to taste test the hot chocolate.

I'm not thirsty.

I'll take his.

He shouldn't have all that sugar anyway.

Jason, what's wrong with Ben?

Maggie, that's such a broad question.

No, tonight.

First he didn't touch his dinner, and now he passes up hot chocolate. For Ben,

that's quiet.

He's fine. I saw him out in the driveway goofing off with Kenny just a couple

minutes ago.

Ah, perfect.

Yes. Dry ones.

Now, you go like that.

I couldn't help but admire the pitch of your roof.

Care to nibble on my muffins?

Can I help you?

Is Dwight here?

Oh, he's in the shower. Can I take a message?

Well, roof, pitch, nibble, I hope you both choke!

Oh, what happened here?

Carol made muffins for her new boyfriend.

Ah, Carol's got a new boyfriend. Ooh, muffin.

So who's this new boyfriend of Carol's? Oh, you remember Dwight, the one I fox

-trod with in the Catskills? Ah, the one who hits himself a lot. Well, honey,

I've got a hunch this could be the one.

I've never seen Carol act this way over a boy before.

Hey, morning, sweetheart.

about this new boyfriend.

Boyfriend? I have no boyfriend.

I thought Dwight was... Dwight, please, give me a little credit. Since when does

Carol Seaver have to lower her standards for a fork -tongued medieval maggot?

Sorry, my mistake.

And another thing.

As of this moment, Carol Seaver does not live here anymore.

Ich bin ein New Yorker.

Jawohl.

not a good time.

Do you think I'm dumb? Yes.

Well, serious question.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Ben, you're dumber than used chewing gum. You have the IQ of sawdust and you

have your dryer set to fluff. If you need any more, I'll have to get back to

you.

I guess my rash was stress -related.

Well, it's nice to see you, too. Why are you dressed like Chiquita Banana?

Mr. Seaver, when you were under my tutelage, I was prohibited by law from

inflicting bodily harm.

Now that you've matriculated, I can wail the tar out of you.

Dad, it's for you.

Mr.

DeWitt, what's wrong?

And why are you dressed like some big banana?

I was just cycling in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd swing by to check on

why Ben didn't apply for the advanced placement exam. Ben, he hates tests.

He won't even look for Waldo.

Just as I thought.

This was obviously about smoke bombs and strippers.

Obviously.

Hey, Dad, where's the banana?

Went that -a -way.

Great, thanks. This could be worth big bucks.

Hey, Ben.

Yeah.

Principal DeWitt was just here.

Were you taking some advanced placement test?

Yeah, right, Dad. What would I do with that? We both know I'm no Einstein.

What do you mean by that?

What did you mean by it?

I heard you when you told your accountant.

Let's face it, Ben is no Einstein.

I didn't mean it that way, Ben.

Yeah, well, you said it.

And I know you meant it because you didn't even know I was listening.

You think I'm dumb and you've known me my whole life.

I must be dumb.

No, Ben.

I have a confession to make.

I didn't tell you before because I didn't want to appear, oh, foolish in

eyes.

It's my fault Ben's not taking that test.

He expressed interest and I scoffed, I belittled. I had a great time.

I did everything but call him stupid.

Since then, I've talked to his teachers.

Ben has a 3 .0 average.

A 3 .0? I know. Pigs are flying.

I have ruined your son.

People trust me with their children, and I... I break them.

Monday morning, I am turning in my resignation.

Mr. DeWitt, it's not your fault, it's mine. Oh, thank God.

Oh, you think I almost quit?

Well, I guess I better get my schwinn in motion.

Smile! Stop! That doesn't put him up!

Hi,

Carol.

Hello. The strangest thing happened this morning.

A woman in blue plaid came to my door.

threw muffins at my sister, threatened her, and then ran.

Your sister?

Yeah, Elaine's a stewardess. She visits whenever she flies into Kennedy. And my

question is, why muffins?

Um... You positively bloom at this hour of the morning.

I do?

I'd love... for you to come meet Elaine. Wanna come over for some muffins?

They're not very good, but what the heck, they're free.

I had no business saying something like that, especially to a stranger.

Yeah, right, and you didn't mean it anyway.

No, I meant it.

I really did think you were Noah Einstein.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Neither was I.

E, C, F, C minus, C.

This is you?

Mm -hmm.

You really were no Einstein.

You were barely Trigger.

Point is, Ben, even Einstein was no Einstein. You know, he dropped out of

school.

Some of us don't show our potential until later.

So you're saying that someday I'll start showing my potential? You already have,

Ben. Last year when you started studying at home with your mother.

Yeah, well, I was fine when she was working with me.

No, that's not true.

Your mom gave you confidence. She got you started.

But then you went out, you took over by yourself. You became a 3 .0 student on

your own.

I did, didn't I?

And I almost blew the whole thing with that dumb remark.

Well, then why'd you say that?

Oh, you live in a family, Ben. You tend to put labels on people.

You know, Carol was the smart one.

Mike was the charming one. And you, you're the one who goofy -glued Stinky

Sullivan to the doghouse.

You've gone through this whole change these last few months, Ben, and, well,

happened right under my nose, and I didn't even see it. I'm so sorry. I

it. Please.

I wish I could take back what I said, but I can't.

Will you forgive me?

I guess.

We can start over?

Clear the slate?

Sure.

All right.

Hey, look, would you be interested in helping me input some data on the

computer?

You're kidding.

You'd trust me to do something like that?

Sure I would.

Dad, this means so much coming from you.

Will you pay me?

I'll pay you. Oh, Dad, this means so much coming from you.

November 29th, 1991, Ben Seaver arrived to take the New York State Advanced

Placement exam.

Unfortunately, the test was scheduled for the 30th.

Red -faced, the boy returned the next day and passed with flying colors.

That same day, a smoke bomb was detonated in the faculty lounge.

To date, no suspects have been apprehended.