Original subtitles

I'll see you later, Dad. I'm going to the movies with Kenny. Ben, what did I

tell you to do the last time you and I had a serious talk?

Um, wait till I'm married?

No, rake the leaves.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Handyman Bob is guaranteed to be the bloodiest horror movie of all time. You

don't barf, you don't pay.

You've seen it five times.

Not without barfing.

Great.

Sweetheart, where have you been? Murray the Tire King opened his doors an hour

ago. I was picking up vacuum cleaners to test for my column.

Come on. Everybody who gets to the tire store before noon gets free lug nuts.

Maybe we should put on fake mustaches and go back twice.

Come on, Ben. I want you to take these vacuums in for your mother and rake the

leaves.

Carry the boxes. Rake the leaves.

Sweep the beach.

Maybe you'd like the house moved a little to the left, too.

Hey, Ben, let's jam.

We don't want to miss Handyman Bob hot -gluing that old lady to a rocker.

I can't. My dad's making me rake these stupid leaves.

So use one of those. Move the hose from the intake to the exhaust, and it's a

blower. I can't touch my mom's vacuums. They're for a column.

Too bad, because you're going to miss the part where Handyman Bob blows

insulation up that guy's nose.

I love that thing.

No.

Okay, but I'll save you a seat in case you get smart.

Use it as a blower?

I could do that.

But it would be wrong.

Blow hard, too.

Best revenge.

Take that, you crunchy little fiends!

Ha ha ha ha! Look at them run!

Aha! The queen spheroid.

Want a piece of this, your majesty?

You can roll, queenie, but you cannot

hide.

Let's not panic.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

Maybe Mom will understand.

This is my career you're messing with.

You're grounded until you're 20.

Maybe I better tell Dad.

He's not so emotional.

Ben, I'm going to break your neck.

Can you hurry it up? My books will be home any second. Don't be bugging.

Precision work takes time.

You still mad at me for dragging you out of the movie?

Yeah, right in the middle of my favorite scene, where Handyman Bob strips and

varnishes the mayor.

Done, plug it in.

All right!

Great, and for future reference, the tornado vac is not to be used as a

flotation device.

Almost, my folks, quick, help me get it back in the box.

Can't believe you bought four factory irregular tires.

Maggie, a little shimmy is perfectly natural with new tires.

Jason, the rearview mirror fell off.

Bye, guys.

Hey, Ben, you did a great job in the yard.

Thanks. Um, yeah, Kenny grabbed a rake and pitched in.

Oh, we only have one rake.

We made another.

You made a rake?

Oh, technically, Kenny made it. He was a Boy Scout.

Yeah, I got my merit badge in rake -making.

Hey, I gotta see this rake. No! I mean... Well, you can't. It's, uh, uh...

-drainable. Right, and it's gone now.

Well, Penny has to leave, and I have to make sure he does.

A rake -making merit badge?

Don't you find that just a little bit suspicious?

Maggie, we left Ben alone here. The house is still standing. There are no

helicopters circling about.

I say we came out ahead.

Mike, I need to talk. You got a second?

Yeah, sure.

Well, it's kind of private.

Hey, Carol, get out.

Why? I'm studying and all my books are here.

I could give you a witty verbal retort you wouldn't understand.

So let me put it in terms you're capable of comprehending.

All right, Luke, my boy, tell me, what's the problem?

Well, there's this girl at school named Susie Maxwell, and I think I kind of

sort of like her.

Yeah, kind of sort of? What does that mean?

Well, she makes me sweat in places I didn't know I had glands.

Well, then there's your choice. Either go out with her or dehydrate.

I can't ask her out. Well, why not? What's the problem?

Me, uh... I've never had a date before.

Really? You've never... Yeah, that's right. I'm 15 and I never had a date.

you live on the streets, you don't go out.

You are out.

So what? I mean, Ben says that you're a pretty popular guy on campus.

Sure, if I'm just hanging.

But if I go out with Susie, I'll have to talk about myself.

No, Susie, I think I missed the homecoming dance. I believe that was the

was looking through a dumpster for shoes.

Listen, girls are fragile creatures anyway.

Okay, so if you think that she's not ready to hear the whole story, then

tell it to her.

How do I get around it?

Keep bringing the conversation back to her.

Unlike guys, girls love to talk about themselves.

Excuse me.

I beg to differ.

I am nothing like that. And furthermore, I wouldn't... See what I mean?

Mike, I really like Susie. Well, then do yourself a favor. Go call her.

Now? No. When she celebrates her 50th birthday.

Our fragile creature, Mike, you know absolutely nothing about relationship.

Oh, well, I know I have Kate.

And you have air.

Listen, socket head.

All I know is if he follows your advice, he's going to get hurt.

Mike! She said yes!

We're going to the okey -dokey frozen yogurt parlor! All right!

When?

I'll be right back.

Be careful.

It's heavy.

Good, honey.

Because the people who make this Tornado Vac claim it can pick one up.

Hey, hey.

So you're testing out that brand new, never been used before Tornado Vac.

Okay. Everybody watch your feet. Put it down here.

Okay.

One, two.

One more fraudulent claim exposed by Maggie Malone, consumer watchdog.

Oh, that's a dumb test.

I mean, when's the last time you said, gee, I better vacuum, this carpet's full

of bowling balls?

Ben, this may seem like a joke to you, but my column is very serious business.

When a manufacturer lies to a consumer, it is my job to tell the consumer the

truth, no matter who gets hurt.

Okay, Chrissy, dump this ash on the test carpet.

Great.

This is an overpriced piece of junk, and I am going to say so in my column.

Couldn't Tornado Vac get mad and sue you?

Let them.

I am just telling the truth, and the truth makes me invincible.

In fact, I dare them to sue me for every penny we've got.

Get Kenny, now.

Sorry about tonight. That's the last time I let Ben recommend a movie. Never

look at a belt stand up the same way again.

So, tell me about yourself.

Myself? Yeah, where were you before Dewey High?

I was on the... Sea.

On the sea?

Uh, yeah.

My dad owns a yacht.

Wow, a yacht.

How big is it?

Well, you know, the usual size for a yacht.

Like 50 feet? Bingo! And it's a real beauty, but... It's not as beautiful as

your hair, which is shiny like the...

You know, this is so amazing. We really have a lot in common.

We do?

My dad was on the America's Cup team, so I started sailing before I could walk.

I did not know that.

Have you ever been in a regatta?

No, I was raised Presbyterian.

That's a boat race.

Well, looking at you makes my heart race.

You don't know one thing about sailing, do you?

Uh, wood float.

That's what I thought.

Why are you lying to me?

Because of who I really am.

Have you ever heard of the country of Mulgravia?

Well, what if I told you you were looking at the crown prince in exile?

I say goodnight, sweet prince.

I hate Teddy Bowen.

He threw my jacket in the mud.

Well, it sounds to me like he likes you.

If he likes me anymore, I'm going to look like the swamp thing.

Well, I'll tell you what. You let me put this in the soak, and then you can help

me test the tornado vest. Oh, no!

No, Chrissy. I returned the first machine and got a brand new one to test.

I'd like to help, but I think I'm due for a nap.

Good, still here.

Kenny, yesterday this thing wouldn't pick up dust. You gotta give it some

No problem. Okay, see that panel that says do not open? Yeah, open it.

And see that spring that says do not touch?

Ow! Don't touch it.

Okay, one minor adjustment and I can double the power.

Mom!

Oh, I thought you boys were going to the mall.

Oh, we were going to, but Kenny got hungry, so we decided to have some milk

cookies and clean up everything without a trace.

Which explains the empty sink.

Goodbye, honey.

Mom,

you know, Kenny was telling me that there's a lot of electrical stuff that

make an appliance act weird. I think we should give the tornado back a second

chance. Well, I couldn't agree with you more, Ben.

I'm going to go test it right now.

I must never use this power for evil.

Look,

you shouldn't have lied.

You're the one who told me not to tell her the whole story. I didn't say

anything about your birthrights to the Mulgravian throne.

That's it. I'm done. I'm going to give up this dating thing, live by myself,

learn to whittle and spit.

I knew it, Heath. I told you so.

Sorry.

exaggerate. No, Mike's right. Yesterday I couldn't get it to suck up a dust

bunny.

Today it has nuclear capabilities.

Well, have I got a review to write.

This may have started out as business, but now it's personal.

Oh, now you come home.

Where were you when I needed help fixing the living room wall?

Oh, I was driving around the block till I knew you were finished.

I didn't want your work to get in the way of our conversation.

What conversation?

The one I'm trying to have if you'd quit changing the subject.

Dad, I think I gave Luke some bad advice.

You? Bad advice?

Yeah, he lied to a girl.

And you told him to?

No, no, he did it all on his own. The kid's gifted.

Yeah, see, Luke thought that if this certain girl knew about his past days on

the streets, she'd never want to go out with him.

And your advice was?

Well, I told him he could skip that part if he wanted.

Dad, I thought I was sparing him.

Mike, Luke doesn't need sparing from his past.

That's who he is.

Just like running scams and taking advantage of people is part of who you

But, Dad, I'm darn proud of that.

And Luke can be proud of the young man that he's becoming.

He just has to realize that he can be accepted for himself.

Dan, what are you doing home? I thought you were going to eat lunch in the

cafeteria. Can we talk, Mom?

Sure, honey. What about?

I'm scum.

I'm slime.

I'm safe.

Maggie Malone,

you... Stepford wife.

Doug, that's nasty. A low -rent Lou Grant.

Dan, this is my editor at the paper. And Doug, this is my son, Ben. Ben? So

you're the one who sleeps with a doll?

Doug,

that was ten years ago.

It wasn't a doll.

It's an action figure.

So what's up, Doug? I factored my vacuum fuse. Did you like it? I loved it. It's

biting. It's insightful.

It's dead.

What? I'm gonna have to kill it.

Oh, right.

Douglas Stanton, talk fast.

Tornado Vac is a subsidiary of Gemcor, which is wholly owned and operated by

Mitsushiro Publications. Which means?

They own our paper and our patooties.

And for that, you're going to infringe on my First Amendment rights?

You got nine more.

Listen, Maggie, I'm sorry.

In my honest opinion, there isn't a newspaper in this town that had printed.

Now, look, I gotta run.

To replace this, I gotta sober up the guy who writes Dear Aunt Mabel.

So, uh, let me get this straight. Not only do you get these sudden cravings

pineapple yogurt, but you also have to have somebody watch you eat it?

All right, Luke, I'll level with you.

I want to talk about Susie.

You got off on the wrong foot with her.

No kidding.

If I could just go back and relive those few minutes, I'd take it all back.

Make up a much better lie.

It's the truth, Luke.

I'll bet she's ready for it.

What does it matter?

I'm never going to see her again.

I got a note from the Mulgravian Secret Police.

Um, excuse me.

The Mulgravian Secret Police?

Well, before you can tell them the truth, you've got to get their

All right, now, listen. You said you wanted another chance.

Well, here you go.

Uh... Susie, I want to start over.

Why did you make up all those wild stories?

Well, because I like you, and I wanted you to like me, too.

But the truth is, I'm not the prince of anything. I don't own a yacht.

And I didn't climb Mount Everest.

You never said you climbed Everest.

Well, you left before I got a chance.

I'd like to like you, but I don't even know you.

Well... Up until a few months ago, I was homeless.

Oh, come on. No, no, I mean it. I was living on the streets.

I'm sorry if that disgusts you, but that's the way it is.

Where do you sleep when you're on the streets?

Different places.

If you want to know the truth, it's a long story.

Got time.

This courageous woman, Maggie Malone, dares to speak out against a heartless

corporation peddling death.

Door to door.

Today, on the Lucy Snyder segment, Channel 19 News, live at 5.

And we're clear.

Hey, Mom, you might have, uh... What's going on?

Well, Ben, my tornado factory may be too hot for the newspapers, but not for

Channel 19. I'm telling my story live at five.

Huh? Wow, Lucy Snyder, the consumer's best friend.

Yeah, right, kid, that's me.

Okay, so who do you have to kiss around here to get some coffee?

Well, I've got some brewing in the kitchen. I don't drink decaf. Oh, pity.

Kenny, you've got to get this machine back to normal before my mother

herself when we're sued for every penny we got. I'm on it.

Hey, I'm in the union.

Kenny, what are you doing?

Mom. No, Ben, not now. No, Mom, I think you have to hear this now.

You did what? Bingo. In five, four, three, two... Thank you,

Art and Connie.

Our story today is the harrowing tale of a kind, decent, hard -working housewife

who found herself the helpless pawn of a profit -mongering corporation.

Maggie, tell me, Lucy Snyder, about that tragic day you brought the tornado back

into your home.

Take your time.

Well, I, uh... I hardly know what to say.

Oh, that's okay, because I care.

We're live, dear. Talk to me now.

Well... The Tornado Vac houses a 3 .5 horsepower engine and fingertip

controls. Didn't you say I'd almost fucked up your baby?

I mean...

Isn't there more that you could share with us?

Well, Lucy, as a consumer reporter, I wanted to see if the Tornado Vac could

pick up a bowling ball as claimed.

Well, I just hope the manufacturers of the Tornado Vac are watching.

Lucy?

but I bet they really gouged you on the price. Are you kidding? At only $199

.95, you can't afford to be without one. Well, that's all the time we have for

today. Oh, that's an attachment for drapes. Back to you, Art and Connie.

Is that lint on your shoulder?

Please stay away from me!

And we're clear.

Hold it, misters.

I do pretty good work, huh, Mrs. Seaver? Goodbye, Kenny.

You know, for once, I'd like to be the one to decide when I go home.

That was good.

Mom, don't you think that a person who finally did the right thing and told the

truth shouldn't get punished?

No, Ben.

But I do think the punishment should fit the crime.

What kind of punishment?