Original subtitles

For two months, he's been lying here in a coma, helpless.

What are his chances, Doctor?

Not good.

We're still trying to locate his family.

Seeing him like this, it just makes me realize... I love you, D 'Andra.

And cut!

Crouch!

Ernie! Ernie! What'd you think?

At last I cried.

You're on a five.

Okay, thanks.

Bye. You're wonderful.

Oh, thank you. You know, I'm really getting into this coma stuff, and I

people are starting to notice.

Nice coma today, Seaver. Oh, thank you, Mr. Chaikin. That means a lot coming

from you.

Lynette, Castiel Fleckman, head writer. It is a pleasure.

Oh, I see your name on the credits every week. Wow.

Sweetheart, you want to get me a cup of coffee and rip the top off a muffin?

Do I want to what?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh... Honey, I think he wants to talk to me alone, just this once.

We've been so impressed with your performance. You are Strom Waverly. I

the way you've explored textures, finding the internal harmonics. Yeah,

ditto. I hope for your sake you can keep it secret.

Yeah, yeah, what's this?

The episode America's been waiting for.

Next Thursday, we reveal the name of the murderer.

You're kidding.

But only my character knows.

You mean I wake up? I say the name of the murderer? Put a sock in it,

This is just the beginning, Strom.

You'll be the flame that drives the passion burning at the heart of Big City

Secrets. Besides, wardrobe says you look great without a shirt.

Really? I actually catch cold easily.

I love this kid.

Does that mean I get a raise? I don't love anybody that much.

Amberstrom, you must store the murderer's name in the strongbox of your

In other words, blow the secret, I drop a grenade in your shorts.

Kate, Kate, Kate, are you ready for the most exciting news in your entire life?

What is it?

I can't tell you.

There's really nobody who's supposed to know.

Mr. Seaver, Glenn just told me the news.

And he sent you over to congratulate me?

And I want his coffee and his muffin top.

Honey, I can't believe you actually got him a cup of coffee.

I can't believe I actually spit in it.

Syllables and everything.

Jason.

Syllables.

Can I get your autograph to take to school?

Sure, sweetheart.

Can you sign it Jason Priestley?

Wait a minute. You've been on the show for six months and you haven't had a

line? I couldn't talk. I was in an accident and practically brain dead.

Well, it doesn't stop for Aldo Rivera.

So, uh, who's the murderer?

What makes you so sure I know? Come on. Strom Waverly is the only one who knows.

Monica. found out, but she was killed by Dakota's evil twin at Cruz Bannister

Chateau.

What,

don't you guys ever watch TV?

Don't you ever go to school?

Yes, that's right. I'm home again for dinner.

My roommate, Breanne, is hosting a soap opera fan club meeting.

Can you believe they actually have clubs devoted to discussing that garbage? Can

anybody join?

Anybody with half a brain.

All right.

Hey, more good news to celebrate. That was the Child Welfare Bureau. They may

have found a home for Luke.

All right, Beth.

Hmm. You think they could take Carol, too?

So, honey, who are they? Dr. and Mrs. Kimball. They'll be here for dinner

Wednesday night.

But, Daddy, can't Luke stay with us forever?

Ah, who'd want that? Besides, you got a full house ready.

And if I didn't have a place of my own, how would you come visit me, huh?

Carol, good. You're not busy.

Okay, Carol, Carol.

I need you to watch me do my line and tell me what you think.

Mike, leave me alone.

If I make enough money, I'll move out.

I'm all ears.

Just make it fast. Okay, okay. Uh, ooh, let me give you some background.

Now, in 1974, Taylor Pomerant, the patriarch of Green Valley, disinherited

three sons, Frisco, Corrigan, and Murray.

Do any of them know your line?

My line. Okay.

Now, I'm in a hospital room. The stillness punctuated only by the sound

monitor. Ka -ping, ka -ping.

Mike! The line. Right, right.

What kind of a line is that?

No, no, that's not my line. I'm just getting prepared.

Mike!

Cruz Bannister.

No, no, no, Carol, that was the name of the murderer.

But you're right, I can do much better than that.

Cruz Bannister!

Well? They pay you for this?

A speck of protoplasm could do better. Okay, you're right, you're right. What

was I thinking? He's still on the respirator.

Howdy, stranger.

Oh, shut up.

Marianne, let me appeal to you as a human being.

Cool.

You see, I'm falling behind in my studies, and I can't study at home

brother keeps rehearsing his stupid soap opera line.

here because because you're an insensitive boob and my academic

performance is suffering i am suffering and all i ask of you is a little

human understanding carol you have never mentioned this before your

brother is on a soap opera which one who does he play oh no i don't care he just

lies there and breathes

My roomie's brother is Strong Waverly III.

Carol, my roommate.

I didn't know you had a roommate.

Girl, Carol Sieber, sister of Strong Waverly III.

I can't believe we've never met before. I'm Jennifer, and this is Tiffany and

Megan and Courtney. Are you going to come to the big party on Friday?

Well, I wasn't invited.

You weren't? Well, the party's in this room.

Promise me you'll come.

Wait a minute.

I once knew a guy who said he played the Wookiee in Star Wars. Turned out he

just had a low hairline.

How do we know your brother really is Strom Waverly? Yeah. How do we prove it?

Well, if he weren't on the show, how would I know? The name of the murderer

is... Cool...

Buster. Cruz Bannister.

Cruz Bannister?

The murderer is Cruz Bannister? That's it.

Carol, do you think you could take us to see the show?

Hey, I'm his acting coach.

There, I almost got it.

How'd you learn so much about fixing dolls?

Oh, I was a surgeon at a doll hospital.

You were not.

Oh, yeah?

When Chatty Cathy lost her voice, who do you think got her talking again? When

Betsy Wetsy dried up like the Sahara, who do you think opened up the

And when my little pony got the trots, who do you think got her back on track?

Let's see.

Well, it's as good as new.

Thanks, Luke.

When I'm all grown up, You better wash out.

Hey, Luke.

What are you doing dressed up in Ben's weenie suit?

I want to make a good impression on the Kimbles.

So you're dressing like Ben?

Hey, Luke, if these people don't like you the way you are, then the heck with

them. Go upstairs. Throw on some jeans.

Mike! What a pleasant surprise. I didn't hear you come in.

You had some phone messages.

Yeah? What'd you do, burn them?

There's that urbane wit of yours.

You had two publicists, an agent, and a writer from a soap opera magazine.

Would you like me to call them back for you?

Well, did they do some kind of brain experiment on you at college?

Mike, it just so happens that I'm your sister and I love you very much. And can

I bring everyone from my dorm to see your show, please?

Oh, I get it.

You need me to help you make some friends in your dorm.

Mike, don't make this any harder than it is. Oh, well, Carol, wasn't it you who

just a few days ago said that I had less talent than, uh... What was that again?

A speck of protoplasm. Right.

Oh, gee, I don't know. A speck of protoplasm. We're kind of thin -skinned.

All right, then.

You're handsome.

You're talented.

And?

And you are major beefcake.

And? And I think I'm going to throw up.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Okay, sure, bring him by and I'll see what I can do.

Creep. Jerk. What was that?

I say, keep up the good work.

That must be the Kimbles.

You seen Luke?

Yeah, he's upstairs trying to look less like Ben.

Good thinking.

Hello. Doctor and Mrs. Steven?

Shelly and Jim Kimmel. Hello.

How do you do?

Hi, I'm Jason. This is Maggie.

Hi. That's our son, Mike. And Luke will be down in just a minute. Please, come

in. Sit. Thank you. So, tell us about yourselves.

Well, I'm a veterinarian. I'm a housewife.

And in my spare time, I record books for the blind.

Our apartment isn't huge, but Luke will have his own bedroom and bathroom.

We're in an excellent school district.

And on weekends, we go up to my brother's fishing cabin in the

Nice.

Dad, Dad, do you mind if I just ask a question? No, go ahead, Mike.

So, Dr. Kimball, what's in this for you?

Dr.

Kimball, I'm very sorry.

Come on, we don't know anything about these people. Anybody can claim to be a

veterinarian.

I am a veterinarian. Oh, well, then what would you do, hypothetically speaking,

if a cat came limping into this living room?

Doctor, you have to excuse our son.

He's very protective of Luke.

By the way, what would you do?

Chase. I'm sorry.

It's all right. We understand.

Yeah, please, ask us anything.

Certainly, Dr.

Kimball, if that's your real name.

Bottom line, why do you want Luke?

Well, Shelly and I were both orphans ourselves.

We know what it's like to be unwanted and unloved.

We'd like to be able to help Luke out, give him the family we never had.

Oh, that's very touching.

How long did you rehearse that one?

Well, good night. It was really nice meeting you, Luke.

Dr. Kimball, I'm sorry if I was a little tough on you earlier, but you came

through with flying colors. Well, I'm glad to hear it, Mike. And I'll get that

financial statement over to you right away.

Why don't I show you to your car?

Good night. Good night. Nice meeting you. Bye -bye.

What a wonderful...

A couple?

Well, Luke, do you like them?

Oh, what's not to like?

Horseback riding, season Mets tickets, ski trips. Yeah, and who knew that in a

pinch you could fix a cat leg with a popsicle stick?

Well? Luke, they love you. They don't even want to wait until next week. They

want to come back and pick you up Friday night. Oh, wow, that's great.

Oh, man, did I tell you we'd find you a good home or what? Yeah, you sure did.

Oh, Luke.

The resting room's huge.

Oh, wow.

Kate, look at this. My sofa. My waste paper basket.

And look at this. My chair with my name on it.

Mark Seaver.

Well, you can't have everything.

Glenn. Glenn, oh, hey, you remember my girl. Canada. Bad news.

Strom. Strom.

Strom, we've rewritten your whole scene.

You're kidding.

Do I still wake up? Of course. But you don't say Cruz Bannister anymore.

Now, you say Brooke Thunderfield.

He's the murderer?

She.

Wow. This is a curveball.

Brooke Thunderfield.

Is that okay?

Is this kid a trooper or what?

Blowing a yank out your nose head.

Why did you change the name of the murderer? Oh, some serpent in our midst

the name Cruz Bannister to the Columbia University paper.

The more I think about it, the more I'd like to pop the weasel who did it.

Oh, kids today.

Scram, better get into wardrobe.

Roll tape in five minutes. Okay, okay, right.

You need anything, you let me know. Okay, I can't think of a thing.

Oh, I can.

This may seem petty, but Ernie put Mark on the chair and... Say no more.

Ernie's history, he's fired.

No, no, no, no. Just maybe have him change the name on the chair, but don't

anybody.

Well...

Okay. Well?

Oh, sorry -looking buns.

Hello, Strom Waverly III.

Yeah, hello. Is Mike Seaver there?

Yeah, Luke. Hey, it's me, Mike. I was just getting into character. What's up?

Look, you've been straight with me.

Felt I owed you a goodbye.

Goodbye? Hey, listen, pal, you're just moving across town.

I'm leaving town.

Luke, where are you going?

I'll spend the winter in Florida. Don't worry, I'll be fine.

All buses will be boarding from the upper course.

Luke, don't do this.

I'll look you up someday.

Luke!

What's wrong? Kate, call the bus station. Find out the next bus that

anywhere in Florida.

Mike, I know you're... nervous about today, but running away isn't the

No, no, Kate, I'm not running. Lucas.

Five minutes, Mr. Seaver.

Ah, get Glenn Lynette. I got a problem.

Gwen Lynette, the kid's got a problem!

What's wrong?

Why aren't you in wardrobe?

Uh, look, is there any way that we can put this off till tomorrow? Impossible.

Tomorrow you lead the SWAT team to the murderer's lair with your shirt off.

Well, maybe we could just delay it for an hour or two.

Entertainment Tonight is here for crying out loud. Be a man!

Look, there's this boy that's been living with our family, and he's about

back on the streets, and I'm the only one who can stop him.

Entertainment Tonight.

There's a bus for Fort Lauderdale in 20 minutes. Okay, okay, so I can be back as

soon as I... So this boy's been in your home, and now, at the moment of truth,

your heart goes out to him.

It's wonderful.

So can I go?

No! But that storyline screams daytime Emmy.

Can't you just let him go? Is she anybody?

No.

Dixie suits in five minutes with you in that bed. Strom, I have designed whole

storylines around you. This is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity. I know. I

understand. Look, I have an idea. What about if we put a dummy in the bed today

and tomorrow I'll come back and do the shirtless swat thing? How about this? No

more Strom. You're fired.

Are you serious? It's so simple.

Stay not fired. Leave fired. History. Out of here. Deep six.

I gotta go.

Oh? Well, there's the door.

You're fired.

No, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

People cry and throw themselves at my feet and beg me to hire them back when

they're fired. And you're fired.

I heard you. Listen, I lost my head. You're not fired. We'll work something

Thanks. And now that you're working for me again, you're fired.

Finito. End of the line. Bing, bang, boom, you're out.

Something's wrong. I'm not enjoying this.

Forget him. He's obviously not strong.

Of course not. Because he's fired. He doesn't even exist. In fact, I don't

know who I'm talking to.

Nobody's there. I'm talking to air.

Look, kid, I gotta put on my jacket. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't

about me. Just go.

I'm proud of you, Mark Seaver.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for Mike Seep.

Never heard of him.

Well, he's on this show. I should know. I'm his sister.

Excuse me, puts.

I've only been with this show since it was created, you know? You don't believe

me? Go ask the producer there. You're fired.

Fired, fired, fired.

Get a stand.

Hi. I'm looking for Mike Seaver.

Mike Seaver? There is no Mike Seaver. There never was a Mike Seaver. There's

just air.

Air.

I smell a Wookiee.

Wait, wait. I can prove it.

The murderer's name is on page 14.

Look, Thunderfield.

I knew Cruz couldn't have done it. Wait!

This is Mike.

Look, this is my brother.

What are you kids doing here?

We are not kids. We are students from Columbia University.

Security!

Come on, let's get out of here. I can't. I'll lose my free seat.

You're going to ride all the way to Florida in a restroom?

He's hanging out at the back with a skateboard.

Come on, come on, let's go.

Just let me go.

Like I'm going to let you wander the streets while I leave the SWAT team to

killer with my shirt off.

Fort Lauderdale Express.

Get comfortable or get off.

Look, what was wrong with the Kimballs?

Hey, I don't trust a man who uses a Popsicle stick to fix a cat.

Look, I'm serious. What was wrong with the Kimballs?

Nothing. I'm just tired of getting used to people and having them bitch me.

Bitch you?

Yeah. My dad split when I was two. My mom died. And you guys are...

Luke, look how great you fit in with us. I mean, after only a month, you were

part of our family.

Not quite.

Driver, stop this bus.

I'm blowing out of here.

Jason, I heard a noise downstairs. Maybe Luke's back. Are you awake?

Mm -hmm.

Mom, Dad, look, I'm sorry it's so late, but I've made a decision.

I don't want Luke going to the Kimball's.

I want Luke to stay right here, and I will take full responsibility for him.

Mike. Mom, Mom, you said it yourself. Luke fits in around here.

Well, that's true. And that's because he loves us, and we love him.

And that's the bottom line.

Well, I can't say I haven't had the same thought from time to time, but...

Jason. Mm -hmm.

That makes it unanimous, Dick.

Thanks,

Mom. We'll work it out in the morning. Okay, thanks, Dad.

Mike, your father and I are proud of you.

Mm -hmm.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, Jason.

Isn't this wonderful?

Jason.

Jason, wait.

What's going on? What is it?

We just had another child.