Original subtitles

Tiffany Ching at the Suffolk County Courthouse, where the trial of Oliver

continued today.

Martin, the noted jockey, was sworn in, then testified that he did indeed throw

the brisky handicap, but only because his horse, Bone Weary, told him to do

The defense's star witness, psychiatrist Jason Seaver, testified that Martin was

indeed insane.

After his testimony, Dr. Seaver offers this comment.

Dr. Seaver, do you... No comment.

No comment.

No comment. No comment. No comment.

I can make Daddy walk backwards like a duck.

Chrissy, it's not a toy. It's for grown -ups. Right.

And besides, I can make him cha -cha.

Do it again. I want to see it. Okay, okay. Watch this.

My poor baby.

I can't wait till those glasses of yours come in.

Oh, they're in. The doctor called yesterday.

Actually, it was another doctor. Um, Dr.

Pepper.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, honey.

You're on TV.

Yes. Oh, Jason, we're all so proud of you. Well, get ready to be even more

proud. Guess what I was offered because of all this trial publicity?

A column on the Long Island Sentinel.

Oh, hi. Yes. Great job.

Right, that... Well, sweetheart, it's kind of hard to explain if you haven't

read a newspaper.

But some of us would still like to know.

Well, it's... Then it's a series of articles, all on one theme. Mine will

with psychology.

I'll help people with their fears and their hopes and their dreams and their

fantasies. Kind of like a 900 number.

What's a 900 number?

Well, it's kind of expensive, but... I have no idea.

I mean, I'd never pay two dollars a minute to talk to some girl in a bikini.

Hey, kids, let's go bake a hot apple pie.

Well, I think your column sounds great, Dad.

It's just too bad your other children aren't mature enough to appreciate it.

Ben, you moron, you taped over Bambi!

Jason, tell me more about your column. Well, I worked it all out over the phone

with the editor, a guy named Doug Stanton.

Huh. Doug, if you give me the penny, I'll pinch it, Stanton.

Well, I didn't catch his middle name.

Oh, I worked for him years ago. When it comes to paying writers, he can be

frugal. You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to frugal Jason Seaver,

Maggie.

If nothing else, I'm a good negotiator. Oh, good.

What's he paying? Well, we haven't nailed that down yet. How long is the

supposed to be? Sometimes long, sometimes short.

Daily? Weekly? It's unstructured still.

Well, I assume you're getting violent.

Maggie, not all this is etched in stone.

So, in other words, Mr.

Negotiator, you could be working long hours for little or no money while

else gets the credit?

I've been frugal.

He's ready to be.

piece of filth. Maggie Malone, the bubblehead who left me for the 5 o

news. I haven't been on TV in ages. Get over it. I won't say another word. Sit.

Talk to me.

That is, if you can handle it without a teleprompter.

So, what brings you here?

You want to see people actually work for a living?

My husband's Jason Siebert. What, the Martin case?

The shrink with the big hair?

I'm here to make sure you don't take advantage of him.

Maggie, I'm insulted.

I'm giving him double basic with inflated top end.

Really? And how much do you pay the paper boys?

Well, no top end.

Just after a decent salary and some guarantees on column length and byline.

Maggie, you're killing me.

Do you want him or not?

Okay.

I'll pay him senior scale.

But don't you dare say a word about this to any of the paper boys.

I am going to smash this worthless piece of junk.

You bought the Shiitake 2000?

Why don't you just paint ink on your hand?

Here, hold this down while I thread this through the J -clips.

When did you learn so much about printers?

I researched them.

When I make a major purchase, I do my homework.

There, I'll bet. Now, wait a minute.

This could be a column.

Every week you could tell my readers how to get the best value for their dollar.

But I came here to talk about Jason's column. Well, sure, but there's room for

both of you. He'll do the shrink stuff, you do the microwaves, VCRs, furniture

polish, all that Ralph Nader crud. You mean consumer awareness? See, you got a

handle on this already.

Maggie, come on.

Your writing is punchy to the point. I know you'll never use a passive sentence

or a fancy buzzword like buzzword.

What do you say?

Will I receive some form of salary?

Maggie, you're killing me.

What are you doing, Mike?

Well, I'm making out my lesson plan for next week.

Oh, would you like to borrow Chrissy's crayon?

One crack and I'm gone.

Mike, cut that out.

Oh, you don't know what you're asking, Dad.

Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.

Don't stop him, Dad. My pancreas is about to blow.

Brainy is just another word for geek. Hey, I wear glasses. I'm not a geek.

Sure, you've got a woman.

Oh, man, I've got to go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.

Everybody, guess what?

Your meeting went well with Doug Stanton?

Oh, did it ever. And I got you, hold on to your hat, more money than the

paper boys.

Wow. And guess what I was offered?

Three bags full of waffle irons.

No, a column.

Honey, you're writing a column, too? That's wonderful.

Way to go, Mom.

I'm going to call it Maggie Malone Consumer Watch. dog.

And I'm testing these for my first piece, so it's waffles all weekend.

Yes!

Oh, I'll get it.

Well, isn't this exciting? Two people in the same family with columns.

Daddy, Mommy gets waffles with her columns.

What do you get?

Well, it's not a material thing. It's just the satisfaction I get out of

people solve their problems.

Well, I'm sorry, too.

Thank you.

Well, I knew it was too good to be true.

Who was that?

Doug Stanton. His publisher slashed his budget so he only has enough money for

one column.

Well, he better not cut your column because he better not cut my column. Who

the exit?

Neither. You know, he actually had the nerve to suggest that we each submit a

sample column.

I told him that we refused to compete.

Honey, are you saying that... I'm saying that the column is all yours. Oh,

that's one darn shame.

I'm sorry, Maggie. I mean, are you all right with that?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Carol, Chrissy, help me pack these stupid waffle irons. You

said stupid. You said... And that is a sign of tension. I'm sensing it. Don't

silly. I am very happy for you, Jake. You sure?

Absolutely. Good.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, Carol Cressy, stop packing. Maggie, I am a

professional at this, and I am sensing your pain here. And if I let you give up

your column, you would never forgive me. Oh, so you're saying that you'll give

up your column? Just as I would never forgive you.

I think we ought to let Stanton decide.

Jason, I don't think it's a good idea, our competing.

Well, let's not think of this as competing, Maggie. Let's see it as both

having a chance at something wonderful.

Oh, what the heck.

Dessert waffles for everybody.

Yes!

Somebody say waffles.

Oh, Dan, I love your glasses.

They make you look so brainy.

That settles it. I'm going to die a virgin.

Am I in the right house? Mike Seaver studying twice in the same day.

Come on, would you keep it down, Carol? I happen to be working on something very

technical and complex here. Mike, have you finished the waffle questionnaire

yet? Yeah.

Maggie, I've got a great title for my column.

How about Between Your Ears with Jason Seaver?

Sounds kind of crowded.

How about something punchy like shrink wrap?

No, no, seriously, how do you like mine?

Chrissy, come on. It's not too bad.

Boy, Mom and Dad are flirting with big trouble.

What are you talking about, Carol?

Mom and Dad both going after the same column?

Competition is a weed in the garden of love.

And you, Carol, are the fertilizer.

Oh, come on, Carol. What are you making such a big deal out of all this for?

Because it is a big deal.

How can I explain it to you?

Let me use an example.

Okay, fine.

All right, now suppose you and I were competing against each other for

something, okay?

So there we are, brother and sister. Now, what are we competing at?

It doesn't matter. It's an example, okay?

Okay. So there we are. Now, how can I follow your example if I don't know what

we're competing at?

Okay, fine. It's a spelling bee. Okay.

Okay, fine. Good.

So there we are.

Now, wait a minute. Why would I want to be in a spelling bee?

It doesn't matter. It's a hypothetical situation.

But, Carol, you beat the pants off me. Now, can't we just pick something I'd be

good at?

Okay, fine.

How about one -on -one basketball?

Okay. All right. Good.

Basketball. So there we are. Now, why would you want to play basketball again?

Mike, Carol, how does this sound for my first piece?

The id, ego, and superego.

Merging the self in a non -fraternal world.

Oh, I like that, Dad.

That's great.

I think so. I like it. I'm excited.

You're kidding. You understood that?

Yeah. Dad's writing an article about fraternities.

Jason, is that a passive sentence?

Which one?

That one.

And that one.

And this one with the word buzzword in it? Pretty good.

I know it's funny how some people don't like that word.

As a matter of fact, some people hate that word.

Jason? Mm -hmm?

Lose the word.

Honey, it's not like this is the first time I've ever been published.

Yes, but that was for other psychiatrists. This is for actual

Why do you think I used the popular term buzzword? Buzzword, darling.

Cupcake.

I'm just trying to give you the benefit of 20 years of journalistic experience.

Oh, and I appreciate that, Puppy Toes, and all the love it shows. But I'm going

to continue to write about my proven scientific theories while you confine

yourself to writing about, and I'm just going to say it, waffles.

I think I'll work on this tomorrow.

All right, me too. I'm kind of tired.

You're opening the window?

It's a little stuffy in here.

Well, I have the house the way you want it, Maggie. Don't worry about my stiff

neck. I didn't know you had a stiff neck. Oh, no, I didn't mention it

was afraid you'd want one, too.

Now, what is that supposed to mean? Oh, nothing, nothing, Maggie. Just a little

shrink wrap.

It will now be closed by me, which, yes, I realize is a passive sentence,

Maggie, but it does get the job done.

Want me to do it?

Oh, the authority on everything, yes.

As a matter of fact, I am.

Close the window, Maggie. Now you'll be uncomfortable.

No, Jason, because I will be much more comfortable sleeping on the cold, hard

floor than next to you.

Oh, that's real mature, Maggie.

How am I going to sleep up here in a nice, warm bed when you're down there?

You made your nice warm bed, now lie in it.

I don't want it, and you can't make me. I can't believe you're doing this. I'm

doing it, Maggie, and I'm doing it all by myself.

And I'm doing it better than you.

Fine. Fine.

Good night.

Good night.

Guys,

we have had Belgian waffle, Mexican waffle.

Mooshu waffles.

Waffles ranchero.

Does anyone know what the heck that was last night?

Liver and onion waffles.

Knock it off, you guys. We have to keep eating these waffles until Mom finishes

her column.

Oh, I finished my column last night, honey.

They're broken. They are not, you nearsighted little weenie. They're just

They're broken.

Well, sweetheart, if your glasses are broken, a little masking tape will make

them good as new.

Masking tape?

Hey,

I was wrong. They're not broken.

It's a miracle. I can see. I can see.

Good morning, family.

Hey, Dad.

Dearest. My love.

I'll be taking my column over to Doug's office this morning. It would be my

pleasure to bring yours with me. Oh, how very thoughtful of you. But then you

always are.

Oh, let me help you with that.

Oh, thank you, Jason. How very thoughtful of you.

The least I could do. Watch your step. Okay.

I'll get that.

Thank you. Oh, okay.

My gosh.

Those two are ready to go for each other's throats.

Oh, Carol, you sound like a broken record.

Come on. They're just being lovey -dovey. Yeah, Carol.

Newsflash.

acting happy? Because they're happy. Yeah, has anybody heard an angry word

of them all weekend?

They were really mad.

They can never hide it from us.

Doug would like to see us at three o 'clock. Is that okay for you? Perfect.

See you there. Good.

There. Now do you see what I'm talking about?

Judges.

My first day of geekdom is officially over.

Ben, cool guys wear glasses, too, you know. Oh, yeah? Name 20.

Woody Allen.

Jose Feliciano.

Urkel.

Urkel? My sister likes him. She's four years old.

Well, what about Clark Kent? He wears glasses and he has Lois Lane.

When he's Clark Kent, she doesn't give him the time of day.

But as soon as those glasses come off, ba -bing, ba -boom.

Look over there. It's Jessica Hart.

I've had a crush on her since the fifth grade. She doesn't even know I'm alive.

Don't breathe. Here she comes.

Hi.

Aren't you in my third period English class?

I recognize those cool glasses.

Are you new in school?

Yes.

My name's Jessica. What's yours?

Um... Kent.

Clark Kent.

You want to walk me to the bus, Clark?

Sure.

Bum -bing, bum -boom.

Doug, you slimy snake in the grass.

Maggie, you walking Kewpie doll.

Stan, you old toad.

Hey, take it easy. I got feelings.

Sir.

Sit.

Maggie Malone?

Jason Seaver.

Talk to me.

You old toad.

I drew a blank.

No, you stay where you are. I'm coming down there with a letter opener to cut

out your heart and stomp on it.

I love this business.

I guess it would be wrong for us to look at them. Yes, very unprofessional.

Wow! Mine doesn't have a mark on it.

Mine does. It's covered with red ink.

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't like it.

Jason, he used it as a coaster.

I suppose the congratulations are in order.

Honey, believe me, when I encouraged you to follow this thing through, I never

dreamed that... Well, I dreamed, maybe, but I really didn't think... Jason,

I'm very happy for you.

I know you are, honey. I'll make it up to you soon. Okay!

Where were we?

Oh, right.

My wife tells me I'm too blunt with people.

I'm trying to work on it.

Jason!

I love your tie.

Your column made me want to toss my cookies.

Maggie, make a few changes. I think we can get that in the morning edition.

You're giving me the column? Of course. What did you think?

Well, I thought... What do you think she thought? You made marks on hers. It

looked like a road map.

Not even a comment on mine.

I only make marks on my second pass. I just couldn't face reading that again.

Well, was there a...

Anything you liked about mine?

I get the

picture. I got it. That's no problem. That's fine.

That's okay. I'll see you at home.

Honey? Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

You know, after you left, a part of me wanted to tell Doug to take his column

and sit on it.

Well, that wasn't necessary.

Fortunately, the part of me that spoke accepted the column.

But I did tell him that I resented the way he treated you. Yeah, well, he was

blunt, wasn't he?

But he was right.

I got a copy of your article, Maggie.

No buzzwords, no passive sentences, only sharp, intelligent, funny.

It reminded me of the night I danced with Fred Astaire.

You never danced with Fred Astaire. Yes, I did. I did so.

I was watching Top Hat on TV, and Fred got up and did some of those steps and

made it look easy. I got up and did a couple of those steps, did a big kick,

popped a hamstring.

That's when I realized you have to be a real pro to make something so hard look

so easy, Maggie.

And you are a pro.

Oh, Jason.

Don't you think it's a little warm in here?

I will open the window.

No, no, no, not that kind of warm.

Puppy toes.

Oh, puppy toes. Yeah.

That kind of warm.