Original subtitles

Oh, you're back. Have you seen my credit cards?

Oh, yes.

Did you know that you can double a spending limit with just one call?

You can?

You didn't.

Relax. We only chopped the back -to -school sale.

I'm supposed to start the 10th grade in Marvin Klein Jean?

They are just as good as the expensive ones.

Nothing comes between me and my Marvins?

Please.

Hannibal Lecter?

What happened to the Smurfs?

Dad, I'm starting kindergarten.

It's a very fast crowd.

What are you doing?

Well, I have to start packing. I'm moving to the dorm on Monday.

Yes, yes, yes!

You know, this house won't be the same without you.

Yes, yes, yes!

Marvin Klein?

Hey, Mike, I'm glad you're here. Listen, you and I have to have a little talk

before you register for school.

Oh, I already did, Dad. And, uh, listen, you guys can rest easy. I'm taking my

courses seriously this year.

Bugs Bunny as archetype?

Hero or Waskell?

If Boynton State Teachers College offers it, that's enough for me.

Come on, Mike, we discussed this. I don't want you taking any sandbox

this year.

Psychology, you're...

You taking psychology?

Yeah, it's because I admire you, Dad.

Oh, man, is it getting thick in here or what?

Come on, guys, let's put your clothes away.

Well, I wish we had discussed this first. See, the learning annex down at

community center needs a student teacher.

So? I thought you might be interested.

Why?

Well, for one, it pays $100 a week.

$100 a week, huh?

Yeah, and you also get the satisfaction out of giving a hand to some kids who

need help.

$100 a week, huh?

No, Dad, Dad, I can't. I'm going to be busy with school.

Boynton State offers course credit for student teaching.

Okay, I'll do it. You will?

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Now I can drop psychology. Yeah.

This is ready to begin.

Oh, Chrissy, you are going to have so much fun today.

Just remember to be polite and share and do what your teacher says.

Great advice, Mom.

Why don't you just tattoo dweeb on her forehead?

Wait a minute.

Nobody said anything about tattoos.

Honey, your brother is just using a figure of speech, as in put a sock in

Mom, on the first day of school, if you're not careful, you'll get a label

that's going to dog you for the rest of your life.

Like what?

Sit in front, Dorfberger.

Answer any questions, Boogerhead.

Hang out with anyone wearing glasses, Geekus Maximus.

And most important, eat the green jello.

Hasta la vista, baby.

What is wrong with green jello?

Leo Limetongue Plotnick.

And who's he?

Just the secretary slash treasurer of the chess club.

Oh, my gosh.

I like green jello.

Cut it out, Ben.

And Chrissy, you just eat all the green jello you want.

We're gonna call you Lime Tongue.

Isn't it a glorious day?

I feel intrepid, leaving the nest and taking nothing with me.

Nothing. Carol, I think I just accidentally tuned your guitar.

I'm in such a good mood today that not even an annoying test like you could

bother me. Oh, please, Carol. Annoying? Mike, I'm serious. Hey, hey, hey. Can we

please? Maybe. It's a special day. How about a truce?

Mike, you got any butterflies about your first day teaching?

Oh, no way, Dad. I got all my lines memorized.

Here's your book.

Study on your own. Class dismissed.

What do you think?

Hey, maybe they could make a movie about you. Drool and Deliver.

Hello?

Uh, excuse me.

Francis X. Tedesco? Not until 8 a .m.

How may I serve you?

Uh, well, I'm here for the remedial studies class.

830, second floor, room C.

Wound a teacher, go to jail.

No, you don't understand. See, I'm the teacher.

Your thiever, Michael A.? Or as they call me at Boynton State, the teaching

fool.

Student teachers, full of jokes and youthful enthusiasm.

How long do you think it'll be before your dreams are shattered, your spirit

broken?

Well, my dad said I had to stay till 4 .30.

What are those?

This, Mr. Thiever, is what I do.

Form. H -U -D forms, H -R -A forms, H -E -W forms, I -9 forms, W -4 forms.

I hate forms.

Yet I must fill out every one in triplicate.

Why? It's the only thing that stands between us and anarchy.

I feel the same way about brands.

Mr. Seaver, let's interfaith for a moment.

Are you really committed to this job?

Pretty much, I think.

These are your hiring forms.

The only thing more agonizing than filling these out is filling out these

termination forms.

This task is like having a claw hammer shoved up your nose.

This one is like having it yanked out.

All I ask is that before you start working here, you agree to stay.

Hey, the teaching fool does not know the meaning of the word quit.

You'll be in charge of the students two days a week. You'll be evaluated

bimonthly. Remember, these are remedial students that need extra attention,

which you, the teaching fool, will provide.

Okay, all right, great.

Well, what should I start teaching today?

I'll be great at arts and crafts.

Science.

Science?

All my best friends took science.

Perfect. Now, this is the room of an independent woman.

Carol Seaver?

Brianne Miller?

I am so pleased to meet you. I just want to say I am so excited about living in

the dorm. I know we're going to become great friends as we grow to know each

other. Do you have a couple of hours to spend in the cafeteria right now?

Why, yes. Great, because I have a boyfriend, and we'd like to be alone.

I'm your teacher.

My name is Mike Seaver.

S -E -A -V -E -R.

And we'll be starting at the beginning today. Chapter one, gravity.

Okay? G -R...

else would they put it in front of the book?

Okay. Uh, I mean, I could tell you about it, but I don't want to insult your

intelligence.

All right, uh, so that, uh, leaves us about 59 minutes to kill.

So, anybody see the Knicks -Bulls game the other night?

Excuse me!

I thought today's subject was gravity.

I'm just trying something a little new with you guys, but I can see you're just

not ready for it yet.

Okay, we'll go by the book.

You happy?

Gravity is the centripetal force

that keeps the Earth from flying to pieces and the universe from becoming a

dark, endless, desolate cloud of dust.

What does that mean in English?

A fair question.

A very fair question.

Does anybody have the answer to that?

Well, before I give you my personal explanation, why don't we see what the

-called experts have to say?

The Earth's gravity exerts a constant and equal force on all objects,

of mass.

For example, a feather and a coin must fall at exactly the same speed.

Mr. Seaver. What?

You just said a feather in a corn would fall at exactly the same speed.

I certainly did not.

Oh, I did.

Well, they don't. I tried it.

Well, the book says that they do, so why don't we just move on, okay?

Prove it.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

thought before they printed it uh okay okay i got it

it doesn't matter how you drop them you can blow them out your

ears if you want smart money's on the court i don't get this this guy doesn't

know what he's talking about neither do you finally a teacher that's dumber than

we are is this a great country or what

of musical instruments like a stick.

Oh, honey, everyone gets the... That happens to everyone sometimes.

Wait a minute. Did you do what Ben said?

I didn't want to be a Dorfberger.

Ben Seaver, do you know what you did filling your sister's head with your

eyes? Mom, can this wait? I just had the worst day of my life.

Did you get the stick, too?

Of course. In history, I tried to send the back... But no, all the good seats

were taken.

You sat in front?

Yeah, right under Mitt Samson's nose. Which, believe me, is not a pretty

Oh, Ben.

Then at lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green jello.

help me, I liked it.

You ate green jello?

Yeah, and it was like a nerd magnet.

The whole chess club sat with me.

They elected me president.

Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd.

No?

Well, this does.

The school nurse says I need glasses.

We're talking full frontal nerdity.

It's at rock bottom.

Not yet. Your baby sister's gonna beat you up.

Oh, hi, Carol. I wasn't expecting you home for dinner.

Mom, I don't have time for your problems.

I just had the worst day of my life.

How was your dorm room?

Why don't you ask somebody who actually spent some time there?

Like my roommate's boyfriend.

Mom, what's so funny?

Well, a very similar thing happened when I was in college. There was this girl

who had this stud boyfriend. They were always at it. They never stopped.

Until one day, her roommate decided she'd had enough, and she marched in

and she told her off, but good.

And you were the roommate?

No, I was the girl with the stud boyfriend.

Oh, Mom, and Dad was the stud?

You two were always at it? You never stopped?

No. Actually, the stud was Danny Cross.

It was a little before I met your father, so I'd appreciate it if you

mention it.

Hi, ladies.

Hi. Mention what?

Oh, nothing. We were just talking about Mom's days in the dorm. Oh, the Danny

Cross thing.

Who told you about me and Danny Cross?

Danny Cross.

I asked you out. Oh!

Come in.

Hey.

We missed your dinner. I thought maybe you'd like some of your mom's famous

Swedish meatballs.

Uh, no thanks, Dad. I'm not hungry.

So, uh, how'd the first day at school go, Mr. Seaver?

It was a total failure.

What happened?

I spoke.

Oh.

It's not that bad. Oh, Dad, I had an entire class laughing at me today.

One kid said I was dumb. The only argument that he got was from another

said I was stupid.

Did you really think teaching was going to be easy?

Why do you think I signed up?

Dad, I thought teaching was going to be all pop quizzes and looking up answers

in the back of the book.

But there was this one smart little kid who kept asking me to explain stuff.

I mean, every time I didn't know what I was talking about, he would fire off

another round.

He was like a dumb -speaking missile.

What's with him? I didn't ask questions in school.

Well, there's always going to be one kid smarter than you, Mike. That's the one

who's going to keep you on your toes.

Yeah? What makes you so sure? I know.

I've got a son who's smarter than I am.

Oh, come on, Dad. You got it all over Ben.

I'm talking about you, Mike.

Come on. I don't tell you all the time, but I've got faith in you.

So teaching's a little more than you bargained for. You're either going to

with it or you're going to give it up.

And I know you'll know the right thing to do.

I have just sent your hiring package downtown.

Welcome aboard.

Uh, Mr. Tedesco, we have to talk.

About what?

Well, you're gonna laugh.

You see, uh, remember yesterday when we were talking about teaching and

commitment? You're quitting.

Well, let me explain. See, my dad told me last night that I would know the

thing to do, and, well, this morning it was perfectly clear.

Mr. Tedesco, are you okay?

I have a sharp, blinding pain behind my left eye.

Well, can I get you something?

Seaver, we interfaced.

I'll do anything to make it up to you. Teach your class today.

I'll do anything else to make it up to you.

Seaver, I can't possibly get a replacement on such short notice. Teach

and teach you will.

In a few moments, when the blinding pain subsides...

I'll start work on your termination forms.

Now I'd like to be alone.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's just that I can't face those kids again.

I'm seeing tiny white explosions.

Under different circumstances, they might actually be pretty.

All right, you two. Enough with this stuff.

boyfriend and you're not brianna what happened to my posters

mercy

We're going to continue the discussion on gravity.

Okay? We're going to get this right. It takes all day.

I better clear my calendar.

Okay. The Earth's gravity exerts a constant and equal force

on all objects, regardless of mass.

For example, a feather and a coin must fall at exactly the same speed.

is removed, air resistance.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hold it right there. Is there a water balloon?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good thinking.

All right.

Has anyone else got one?

Guys, guys, guys. Yesterday, we didn't account for the air resistance.

What?

Okay, everybody follow me. We're going to throw them out the window.

And a light balloon.

Okay? Luke, I want you to time this.

2 .2 seconds. Say, Cole, cock that cat at the same time.

Now, what does that mean?

That the cat's unconscious?

No, no, no. It means that whenever we drop, we'll take 2 .2 seconds to hit the

ground.

What else can we drop?

Gigi's lunch. Hey, one more.

One more right there.

2 .2 seconds. I made a pretty cool design, too.

Yeah. All right, but there's no way a feather's ever going to drop that fast.

All right, but the problem with the feather was that air resistance.

Okay, now maybe the book has more to say. All right, come on.

Let's see it.

Okay.

Mr. Chinesco, we have to talk.

About what?

Well, you're going to laugh, but the teaching fool is...