Original subtitles

Hey, hey, stop tickling me. I'm serious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Oh, it's over?

Well, yeah. I mean, we can't really do anything else. You ran out of money.

Hey, listen, I want to thank you for letting me drive your new car, Joan.

Joan. That is such a wrong name for you. You know, I mean, I look into your eyes

and I see a loveliness that makes me want to shout, Joan, Joan.

You're so cute.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

Joan? Yes.

Good, you're Joan. Where have you been?

Where have I been?

Yes, I'm sick and tired of waiting around. You said we were going to meet

at seven.

Oh, right.

Well, right now, it's only five. I mean, you're two hours early.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Have a lovely evening.

Morning.

Whoa.

I had a lovely time, too. And by the way, thank you for letting me drive your

new car, Jill.

Jill. That's a wrong name for you. You know, because I look into your eyes and

see a loveliness that makes me want to shout, Jill.

Jill.

I'm not going to buy that.

I have to wait. You call me. Just call me.

Okay.

I got my darn robe caught in the bush there.

So the old house is looking pretty good, isn't it?

Dad, you were spying on me. I wasn't spying on you. Yeah, you were spying on

A father doesn't spy. A father observes.

And goes, whoa.

You've been jealous.

I'm not jealous. You're jealous of your son. I'm a happily married man, Mike.

Happen to be married to a fine woman, too. Don't you forget that. Okay. What

I need with a girl half your mother's age?

Don't tell her I said that.

What?

Oh, Michael Sieber, you're not an easy man to find. Eddie, what are you doing

here? I need your advice.

It's about a girl I'm seeing.

Tell her to shave.

No, no, no, no, you don't understand. This could be the one. This could be

This is the woman I've been searching for hither and yon. Michael, I'm

considering fathering this woman's child.

That's swell, Eddie.

No, Mike, I've changed.

I'm no longer the desperate troller I once was.

Oh. All right. Well, where'd you find her? I picked her up at the zoo.

Oh, Eddie, get out. I'm tired.

No, no. Tell me everything you know about the theater. What? Eddie, come on.

going to bed, man.

Mike, she knows about the theater, and if I don't learn this stuff, this

relationship's gone with the wind.

Look, Eddie, I can't tell you everything in ten minutes.

All right. Another idea. Better.

Let's just double date tonight.

That way when she starts yakking about some stupid play and I say, that's neat,

you'll say what Eddie meant to say was, and I'm putting into theater words.

What, like mezzanine? Yeah, yeah, yeah, words like that.

Okay, okay.

Well, great.

Any food you're allergic to? Because I'm going to the market to do the shopping.

For what?

Our dinner party.

What dinner party?

I am cooking spaghetti Eddie.

So I'll be back around three to help you move the furniture.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why?

Well, I told her I lived in a great place. This is a dump.

What do you mean, Eddie? Come on. What's wrong with your place?

Ah, my furniture popped.

Mom!

Where do I keep our meatballs?

Ruthie, what are you doing? I'm making dinner for Mike, Eddie, and their babes.

But, honey, you don't know how to cook.

Shh!

All right, is the soup yet?

I hope you two are planning on cleaning this up. Oh, Mrs. Bieber, you're upset

about this mess, and rightfully so. Forgive me. I just wanted Chrissy to be

included, to be a part of things.

Hey, for ten bucks, where's my stinking meatballs?

Clean this up.

Listen, I gotta go pick up my date.

Okay, go. I'll find a band -aid myself.

Okay, Mom?

I guess so. All right, thank you.

Oh, so you boys are throwing a dinner party? How sophisticated.

Yeah, well, sort of.

Sort of?

Yeah, I just wish we didn't have to eat off the paper plates and jelly jars.

That's a shame.

Well, where do you expect a guy like me to find fine china and crystal?

Eddie, why don't you use mine?

Really? I couldn't. Oh, sure you could. Well, if you insist.

Well, why not?

It's just sitting up here collecting dust, and I always feel that

is half the meal.

Oh, nice set of flutes, Miss Seaver.

Mmm.

Spaghetti.

Everywhere.

You know, Jason, 20 -year -old men find me attractive.

Who? Eddie.

Oh, come on.

You're flattered by Eddie. Eddie finds anything with a pulse attractive.

So I'm anything with a pulse?

No, no, you're my anything with a pulse.

Oh.

Sweetheart? Yeah.

Why don't you try the spaghetti?

Yeah.

I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have a date.

Maybe the drought's over.

Not that anybody cares.

It's a little spicier than usual.

What's in this ravioli?

All

right, all

right, listen. It's my apartment, okay? I live here, but tonight it...

I don't know whose place this is.

Mr. Seaver, one candelabra is plenty.

Welcome to my home.

It's Hanukkah?

Uh, excuse us.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, how in the world did you get my mom to give you all of

worldly possessions she'd never given me? I talked to her.

I appealed to her as a person. And by the way, Mike, did you know your mom's

quite a bud?

Oh, hey, thanks for reminding me. I gotta hurry downstairs and get dinner

my lady gets here. Hello.

I'm Eddie.

I'm Tina.

May I check your hat?

I'm off duty.

Well, you're obviously very dedicated to your craft.

Well, where were we?

Neither one of us knew.

Right, right. See, see, this is my apartment, but Eddie is pretending that

his apartment because there's this girl that he wants to impress tonight.

You know, you have a nice head.

Pardon me?

There I go, talking shop again.

Actually, I'm kind of stuck here in this dump till I can move out on my own.

Watch your step.

Kate! Hi, Mike.

What are you doing here?

As if you didn't know.

He doesn't. He doesn't.

He doesn't know anything.

Michael, you know my lady?

Could say that.

Wait a minute. This is the woman whose children you're going to father?

I don't know where he got that idea.

Mike, you could have just called. You didn't have to get Eddie to bring me

did you?

No, I didn't.

You didn't? No.

No, I...

I didn't even know that it was you who was dating Eddie.

I just find that hard to believe. I mean, two guys who are such good friends

don't discuss the women they're dating. I would never talk to Eddie about any

woman that I'm dating, let alone introduce him to any woman that I'm

Well, I just thought... It just seemed natural that, uh... No, never mind.

Uh... Look, I know this is really uncomfortable, Kate, but we're friends.

This is just a dinner party. Right, right, we're friends, a dinner party,

not act civilized? Certainly. Yes.

Well, Eddie, Tina, you both may have guessed that Kate and I have dated.

And to be totally honest and adult, we still do see each other occasionally.

Right, but that doesn't mean anything.

Well, you know what, I mean that we both decided at the same time to see other

people.

They dumped you?

No.

Uh, Mike, what's past is past. Can we just have some fun?

Oh, sure.

Eddie!

Can you pass the ball, honey? Sure.

Should we be concerned?

They're holding hands.

It's going great, huh, Mike? Yeah.

Ben. What?

What are you doing in our bedroom?

Um, cleaning your binoculars.

Yeah, you were spying on Mike, weren't you?

Dad, look. Ben, spying is wrong. It's immoral, not to mention somewhat

perverted. Yeah, well, it's worse than that.

What do you mean?

Mike's over there with a date, and his little girlfriend, Kate, just showed up

with Eddie. That doesn't make it right. Kate?

Well, well, well.

Yeah, so now you see why I'm spying?

No. I want you to go to your room, think about what you did and why it was

wrong.

And leave the binoculars.

Look, Eddie, I just wanted to apologize, man. I mean, I think I've been so

caught up in my own feelings that I've forgotten how weird you must be feeling

about all of this.

I'm just happy no one's found the band -aid.

Eddie, come on, man. Don't pretend.

It's okay. I want you to hear it from me.

My relationship with Kate...

is over, all right?

She is no longer my girlfriend.

Great. Let's go eat.

No, Kate.

I'm serious, man. Come on. Don't worry about me, okay?

I mean, what Kate does is her business.

Right. Her business. And whoever happens to go into business with her... Hey,

man, you are talking about my... my ex -girlfriend.

Oh, Mike, I'm sorry. This must be pretty hard for you. Listen, Kate and I could

go back to her place.

No.

I mean, uh, I mean, go.

Go, go, go wherever you want. Do whatever you want, all right? Hey, I

to you.

Whoa, thanks.

Can I, can I give you some money?

Oh, man, I wish I could read lips.

Jason, what are you doing?

Oh, uh, just cleaning your binoculars here, ma 'am.

I don't have any binoculars.

Too bad, you're lost.

Jason.

Jason, you're spying on Mike, aren't you? No, no, I'm not spying, Maggie. A

father doesn't spy a father observes.

And then goes, woo -hoo.

Oh, Jason, how would you like it if you were in his apartment doing what he's

doing and he was in here spying on you?

Well... I hate that.

I hate that.

Ladies,

did you miss us?

have you dated Kate?

Uh, Tina.

I believe this is our third date, Tina.

It's our fourth, Eddie.

You forgot about our afternoon at the zoo.

Oh, is that where he picked you up?

No, that's where I picked him up.

So how long have you two been going out?

Is this Al or Ann?

Uh,

this is our first date.

private joke.

Oh. Would you care sharing that with us?

No.

You have to share, mister.

What the heck is going on? I mean, I thought we agreed to be civilized, to be

adults. Yeah, well, civilized adults do not date running pigs.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that you are too good for Eddie. I thought he was your friend. He

my friend. I overlook his flaws.

Well, so do I. I mean, I have fun with him. Fun?

I mean, he's not complicated, Mike.

I mean, I used to have a good time with him. Oh, oh, oh. Well, when I was just

fun and liked to have a good time, you call me a terminal teenager who's afraid

to grow up.

You are. Oh, I am not. I am not. I am not. I am not. Look how you're acting.

I mean, it's like you want to get back together or something. Oh, God, no. All

right, let's stop right there. That is not it, all right? It's just... Just

what? It's just... Kate, all right, I'll tell you what's really bothering you.

What's really bothering me is how could you possibly like Eddie after liking me?

Because my relationship with Eddie isn't headed anywhere.

Oh, hey, well, may I point out that ours was not heading anywhere either.

I know. That was the problem. I wanted it to go somewhere with you.

Oh. Oh, but with Eddie, for some reason, it's not a problem?

Exactly.

Kate, I do not get this. I do not get it. And let me tell you something. You

know what?

I'm happening.

Okay? I'm happening, and I'm out there in this world doing whatever I want,

whenever I want. In fact, in fact, in fact...

What did you say? I'll do it again.

Mike, what are you doing?

I don't know.

Oh, Jason, they're kissing. Isn't it sweet?

That's the fourth girl he's been with today.

Hi, I'm home from my... You were spying on me and my dad on the porch, weren't

you?

This is so sweet. You do care.

What can I say, honey? You caught us.

What?

I think a lie was in order in that case.

You know, I was so sick and tired of you hounding me for a commitment. And all

that stuff about me growing up and wanting me to be responsible. And, in

haven't regretted my breakup for a minute.

Good.

I am so glad I bought the high -powered binoculars.

So I guess tonight we're starting over, huh?

I guess.

Look, we've got to go in there and tell them how we feel about each other. I

mean, they'll understand.

Hey, we just have to remember there's other people's feelings at stake. Yeah.

Guys, here it comes.

I can read the writing on the wall.

You're done with me.

Ah, Tina.

I should have known you were a two -timer when you picked me up while you

with that other girl.

Look, look, Kate, she didn't marry me any more than Tina does.

I don't matter.

Oh, no, no, no, Tina, Tina, of course you matter.

Mike!

Kate,

what am I supposed to do? I can't break her heart. I can.

I'm feeling betrayed here, Mike. You sold me this woman. What?

Hey, I did not take a dime. I gave you to him.

Oh? No, no, no, no, Katie. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Just tell me

if I'm getting cab fare or if I'm in for the duration.

Look, look, Katie.

Maybe we should put off starting over till tomorrow.

No, let's not.

No, I said you could forget everything that went on out there, because we're

through.

Mike, I can see you're pretty upset about this.

I'll take Tina home.

Yeah, well, I just heard angry high heels on the driveway.

I know that sound.

Hey, guys.

Well, Mike. Hey, your mom just got a robe caught on the thing.

Room looks pretty good, doesn't it? Look, I just want to say that nothing

ever told me even came close to preparing me for what happened to me

All right? And I blame both of you. More you than her, Dad.

What happened, Mike? Well, I've got dozens of girls. Dozens of girls! I

even keep their names straight. I mean, Dad, you were in the bushes. You saw me

with that girl in the car, right?

Jason, is peeping a full -time hobby with you?

And why on earth would I want to give up all that fun?

Not that somebody wants me to give up that fun and make a commitment. No, I'm

too immature.

Oh, honey, does this have something to do with Kate?

Well, how'd you know?

Mike, a mother knows.

Well, my guess is that you talked about getting back together and it just didn't

work out, huh?

Hey, you too.

You know, the father knows too.

It doesn't make sense.

I mean, I want to get back together with Kate, and I want to be with her. I want

to be with her every single second.

Oh, Mike, that's your heart talking.

On the other hand, I want to be with every other girl that I find

Okay, all women everywhere.

I just don't know what to do.

Well, that's because you have a hint of a conscience, Mike.

Can I get rid of it? No, no such luck.

No such luck?

Maggie, please. Female bitterness isn't going to help Mike.

Look, in every male, there are two basic drives.

You know that? I mean, on the one hand is that drive to nest with a single mate

and build a beautiful life together.

On the other hand, you know, kind of hopping from tree to tree to see what's

shaking.

Matter of fact, that second drive is so strong that society has created rules to

force a man, no matter how strong he is, to capitulate and eventually get

married.

Capitulate? Ooh, lucky us.

These are scientific facts, Maggie.

Jason, this is a long way to go to justify a wandering eye.

I thought we were close enough that I could share these truths with my son in

front of you.

Look, with enough time and experience, you're going to achieve the wisdom to

see, Mike, that by giving up these hundreds, thousands, millions of girls,

you're going to get so much more with one woman.

Really? And when that distant day comes, you're going to say, I got it.

And you won't be sacrificing a thing.

I got it.

How could this be that distant day? You've been thinking about it for five

seconds. Because it was enough.

Mike, you're not thinking straight. I mean, you have been with four gorgeous

women in one day. Dad, Dad, I've got what you're saying. I'm telling you, I

it.

Don't say a word until I'm finished, right?

I am ready now. I want to be with you.

Look, I am through being a terminal teenager. I am ready to make a

Kate.

What number is this?

Oh, listen, I'm really sorry.

Mike.

Hi, Lisa. It's nice to meet you, too. Listen, I gotta go.

Well, yeah, I have had some voice training.

I'm an actor.

What do you do?

Oh, whoa, you're a toll booth collector and a lingerie model?

That makes me kind of sad. I do my motoring with exact change.

Oh, man, you've got a great laugh.

Why do you have to have such a great laugh?

Why do they all have to have a great laugh?

Uh, hey, listen, could you hold on while I go ask my dad to explain something

again?

You still there?