Original subtitles

Mike? Mike?

Mike!

Mike!

If you're in there, it'll go easier on you if you come out now.

But not much.

Mike?

You know, I stupidly assumed it would be impossible for you to get in trouble

with your high school principal two years after you graduate. But no, no.

Somehow you managed to pull it off.

I know you're in here, Mike.

Mike, I'm gonna count to three, and if you're not out, I'm gonna... I'm gonna

slit your waterbed, Mike.

Hi, I'm looking for... Uh -oh.

Yeah, I'm looking for him, too, and if I find him, you're not gonna want what's

left. You're his father?

Oh, yeah.

Wow, he wasn't kidding. You are nuts.

Huh?

Oh, uh -huh.

No, I was just gonna... I was gonna slash his waterbed.

No, I wasn't... I was, uh...

Look, I wouldn't stick around to see Mike if I were you.

Who's Mike?

The guy you came to see.

Oh, no, I'm here to see Ben. We have a date.

Ben? How old are you?

Eighteen. Eighteen?

Oh, great. I got one kid who won't grow up and another one who's growing up too

fast.

Since you're looking for Mike, me and Marlene will just get the heck out of

way. Cool.

Now, wait a second.

I'm going to get to you in a minute right after I deal with Mike. Now, where

he? I have no idea.

Let's go.

Hey, you're not going out with an 18 -year -old girl. You're only... You're

not.

You're only what?

13.

Ew!

Hey, Dad, were you yelling for me?

I couldn't hear you.

I'm ready to kill you.

Now choose your next words very carefully.

Hang on.

There, okay, go ahead.

Get the truth eventually, Mike, and you will be severely punished.

Or? Or you can tell me the exact truth, as it happened, and I'll punish you

severely.

Dan, I'm not seeing the upside of going with the truth here.

And yet, when I think about it for a moment, it all seems so darn clear.

Okay, all right, last week. I was up in my room, studying as usual, and I'm not

sure exactly what time it was, because I was so into it. The truth.

Okay, I was bleeping.

I heard a little hedgehog out in the driveway.

Dude.

Louie, keep it down.

You got the stuff, Ben?

Yeah, but, Louie, I don't know if this is right.

Dude, I got the cash. Come on, help me.

Well, okay.

Dude.

Oh, that's not the way it was at all, Dad.

Benjamin.

pleasant surprise.

I hate to impose, but I heard when one is having academic difficulties at Dewey

High School, you're the man to see.

May we talk?

Certainly.

Just as soon as I finish taking out the trash.

Which I always do.

Even without being asked.

What a guy.

Who are you going to believe? Me or the trash man?

Hey, dude.

Go ahead, Mike.

Okay.

Come on, help me, man.

Um, okay.

What the heck was Ben doing? And what the heck was Louie doing still in high

school?

Ben, what the heck is going on around here? Not now.

but be quiet.

just that they're not making a sound.

Pervert.

That jerk calls for me again, telling him I'm not home.

Okay, Ben, I got it. Now, you got Carol's term paper stuffed in your

then talk to me.

Well, well, do to you too, young man.

with no help from Mike whatsoever.

Excuse me, Dad.

While you ream the lad, I'm going to fly.

Well, Dad, I didn't plan to sell him. See, Stinky's brother, Funky, well, he

needed help in English.

And he said it would only be this one time.

And that he'd keep it quiet. So I gave him one. One?

How did I know Funky had a big mouth?

His name is Funky?

Yeah, and the one to Louie, well... That was the first one I ever sold, and it

would have stopped there if it wasn't for Mike.

Mike!

I'm flossing. I can't talk.

Yeah, well, I can.

Somebody said I was missing a golden opportunity.

Somebody said I should ride this comet.

Dad, again, who are you going to believe?

Me or Carl Sagan here?

I suspected the real market for Carol's Papers was at Dewey High, where they did

so well the first time.

Okay, don't worry, everybody.

I'll be back lunchtime tomorrow.

And remember, these are to be used only as study guides.

You're new here, aren't you?

Well...

It is my first day here.

That's what I figured. I know all the cute guys at Dewey.

Cute guys?

To tell you the truth, on Marlene 8516 Winston Avenue, both my parents work.

Ben, what kind of work do they do?

You know, I've always been attracted to dangerous guys.

Dangerous guys?

Well, yeah. Selling term papers right here in the school hallway. You were so

cool.

Yeah, well... What are they going to do, kick me out of the school?

So, are you free tonight?

Uh, free tonight? Why?

Well, I figured we could go out. There's this great movie I've already seen at

the drive -in.

You've already seen it?

Oh.

So, what time are you going to pick me up?

Uh, pick you up?

I can't pick you up. I don't have a license right now.

Why?

Uh, offended.

Street racing.

Stuff happens.

Ooh, you're so bad.

Well, I have a car. I'll pick you up at your place. What's your address?

Well, there could be a little bit of a problem there. I just want to apologize

to you two young people.

Mr. DeWitt, we were just on our way. No, no, no, no, no, Marlene. As the

principal, it's my fault.

The engraved invitations to class were delayed at the printer.

So we've been relying on that annoying bell.

to let folks know when our sessions begin.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

I'm sorry, Mr. DeWitt, it'll never happen. Hey, he said it was his fault.

your name, you little insect?

Ben. Ben what?

Ben's new here, sir. Oh, well, then that changes everything, doesn't it? In that

case, get your little buns into that classroom right now or I'm going to have

them fly in from the school flagpole. Capisce?

All right, Leonard.

Freeze. And drop that vice principal.

Gently, mister.

Hey, what's your address?

15 Robin Hood Lane. Why?

How else am I going to pick you up? See you at 7.

Wait. I can't. I've got to get to class.

me for not being clear earlier.

Get into class or die.

Hold it.

Ben, didn't you know things were getting out of hand? Didn't you know you were

getting in deeper?

I sure did, and it would have ended right there if it hadn't been for Mike.

Well, Dad, whatever I did, Mike was my bad influence.

Come on, Ben. Did I ever tell you to go out with an 18 -year -old woman?

Yes.

What happened? Did you get caught?

No, because of you, an 18 -year -old woman is forcing me to go to the driving

with her in her car to do God knows what.

And this is bad?

Are you kidding? Both of her parents work, and she takes health.

Benny, excuse me.

I gotta get out of town.

How far would $286 get me?

All the way to here.

You have got almost $300 and an 18 -year -old girl who's coming over here to

pick you up?

Benny, I don't even have that.

And I also have an oral report due tomorrow in 12th grade history.

Forget about the history.

But I did so well on the pop quiz.

Mike, I'm 13. How old were you when you went out with your first 18 -year -old?

Well, I was only, uh... 16.

All right, but we're talking about a real ugly girl here, right?

Nah, she's cute.

She looks just like that girl from Mr. Belvedere.

You sure she doesn't look like Mr.

Belvedere?

No, I'm telling you, she's got legs that connect and lumps and everything, man.

Then what the heck is she doing with a 13 -year -old hornball like you?

Mike, it's all going to fall apart. She's going to find out I'm not 18 and

and dangerous.

Mom and Dad are going to find out I've been selling Carol's old term papers.

DeWitt will find out I don't go to Dewey High. And I'm dead!

Come on, Ben, Ben. Let's just deal with these things one at a time, okay?

Like, you don't have to worry about DeWitt. I mean, you don't even go to

school. I mean, what's he got, an extradition treaty with your junior

for Mom and Dad finding out about you selling Carol's papers.

Well, you're probably right. You'll be dead within the week.

But I'm telling you, you go on that date with an 18 -year -old, Benny, it'll

take them hours to wipe that smile off your face.

I think so.

Oh, Benny, I know so.

Take it from me. Go on the date. All right?

Watch. Look.

Listen. Grow.

Not only did Mike talk me into the date, he even came up with a plan to get me

out of the house.

You're not eating.

Quick, somebody call 911.

Hey, guys, do you mind if I watch TV down here? I just set off a bug bomb in

apartment. Well, why didn't you just ask your friends to leave?

Boy, I'm hot tonight.

Yeah, that was a good one, Carol.

Pardon me?

It was a good joke.

I mean, it's good to see you starting to develop a sense of humor.

Gee, thanks.

Which explains the outfit you're wearing.

to tell Stinky to speak up, Ben.

Oh, yeah.

Stinky, speak up.

I can hear him now.

Let me ask.

Stinky wants to know if it's okay if I stay over at his house tonight.

Ben, you have homework tonight, don't you?

Yeah, but I did so well on my pop quiz today.

Honey, it does beat the heck out of Stinky sleeping over here.

Honey, you didn't tell him yes or no.

Uh, he knows I'll be there.

I'm gonna go get my stuff.

They bought it. Oh, great.

Just one question. What if Marlene doesn't invite me to sleep over at her

tonight?

Penny, you're not sleeping over at Marlene's house, okay?

I mean, after you get back from the drive -in, you're gonna go stay up at my

place. But didn't you just set off a bug bomb up there?

Hey, stupid question. Okay, now look, you go up in my room, wait for your

and I'm going to go, and I know where Dad keeps the good cologne.

All right, Mike, whatever I don't spend of the $286 tonight is yours.

Do you know where the TV guide is?

Yeah.

Well, are you going to tell me?

No.

Carol. Receiver, how the heck are you?

Mr. DeWitt, what a surprise. Please come in. Forgive me for not calling first,

but this is something of a delicate matter, and I didn't want to upset

case I am completely out of my mind.

Well, my dad's a psychiatrist.

Well, then either way, I'm in good hands, right?

I know, I know, but I never got the smell out of the seats from the last

slept over.

DeWitt, what are you doing here?

Oh, working after hours without any overtime, thanks to the wisdom of the

of our community. But why get into that?

DeWitt,

wait a minute. We don't have any kids in your school anymore. But their legacy

lives on.

Ever heard this before?

Finally, we have a society in which I, a woman, can be feminine yet forceful.

Free to run a corporation and still experience the wonder and beauty of

birth.

Well, sure. That was part of my valedictory address.

Aha. I knew Jimmy Droppo wasn't about to experience the wonder and beauty of

diddling.

What's Jimmy Droppo got to do with this? He delivered this speech today as his

own. Really?

How'd it go over?

Are you suggesting that Carol had something to do with it? Oh, I'm not

suggesting anything of the kind. Well, what exactly are you... Well, just

listen. From Louis Dibble for Senior History, The French Revolution and

in Rudeness.

I wrote that.

Precisely. Or from Joey Biden for Health, Cosmetic Surgery, Just Say No's.

That's mine, too.

And I have 53 other examples.

Mr. DeWitt, why would Carol... I am just as sick about it as you are. After all,

Carol was Dewey High's most hallowed hooter.

Yet I hold the documentary evidence in my hand that someone has prostituted her

work. Mr. DeWitt, I know my daughter. And I know she hasn't had anything to do

with it. Oh, I didn't say Carol.

I said... someone.

I don't want her to think I'm cheap.

The other hand.

It's showtime.

Big Vinny, you gotta get out of here.

Are you crazy? I'm riding this comet.

No, no, no, no. Forget about the comet, all right? Now, DeWitt and Mom and Dad

are downstairs, and it's only a matter of time before they figure this whole

thing out.

But you said I had nothing to worry about. Listen, Vinny, you should not

sold Carol's papers, you shouldn't have made a date with an 18 -year -old girl,

and you should have told Mom and Dad everything.

Why are you saying all that?

Just to get it on the record.

Mike, what are we going to do?

Wait a minute. What do you mean, we?

Mike. Hey, he's looking for you, not me.

Okay, we.

Is there any other way out of here?

Just one.

Hi, I'm looking for... Uh -oh.

Marlene.

So, then I came out.

I'm glad you finally took my advice about talking to Dad.

All right, boys, this is serious.

Ben, you took some things that didn't belong to you, you sold them to people

shouldn't have had them, and you made a date with an 18 -year -old girl.

Actually, she made the date with me. I don't care.

And you skipped classes at your own school. Did you even think about that?

Well, actually, I was going to forge an excuse.

I am an idiot.

Mike, you helped him try to pull this whole thing off.

And I admitted it like a man.

Yeah, but you had no other way to go.

There's that, yes.

If that looks up to you as his example, you've got to share some of the

responsibility for him with your mother and me.

Dad, you remember when we were little kids and you used to let us pick out our

own punishment because we'd always give ourselves something worse than what you

were going to give us?

Yeah. Are we going to get to do that this time?

No.

Oh, like you weren't going to ask to?

Hey, Dad.

Dad, I am ready to share in that responsibility.

Let me hand out the lad's punishment.

Mr. DeWitt, we do appreciate you bringing this to our attention.

Hey, that's my job.

As distasteful as it often is.

And it's only fair that the school get all the money Ben made.

$286.

That's all he got?

Well, wise up. You went to public school.

Mr. DeWitt, even though Ben and Mike don't attend Dewey High, I assure you

will be punished severely.

I appreciate that. And while Mike is certainly out of my reach, I just thank

I had the foresight to work out that extradition agreement with Ben's junior

high school.

So if you two gentlemen will excuse us, your father and I have some major, major

punishments to discuss.

Oh, and Mike, sometimes the one who sets the example pays a higher price than

the one who followed it.

Oh, and Mom, whatever punishments you decide on, thanks for not freaking out

about the 18 -year -old girl.

What 18 -year -old girl?

Well, yeah, I was going to tell you about her.

Yeah, and this wasn't one of those, you know, mail deals where I'm proud of the

little hornball for getting an 18 -year -old wife.

No, it wasn't. No, no, but that was under the gun, Maggie. I only had time

discuss the important things.

Oh, so you think our 13 -year -old son almost going out with an 18 -year -old

girl isn't important?

No, no, no, no. That's, you know, that's important.

That's very, but it's, well, it's less important. It's under important than

the other. And I think that, uh...

Hey, you gotta admire the little guy's instincts.

We'll be back in a moment.

A bunch of us guys went down to this open audition for a network television

today, and, are you ready for this?

I am going to be, oh, this is so cool, you can't even believe it, on ABC's hit

series, New York Heat.

Action! Kukowski's been hit!

Sarah, it doesn't matter what happens to me.

But you have a family who loves you.