Original subtitles

Okay, Bieber, the next chick who walks through that door is yours.

Not too shabby.

Well, now that's a woman.

My own.

Hey, is Mary Migli Etta wearing falsies?

False alarm training bra.

What's she trying to do anyway?

Come on, Stevie.

Hey. Look what Judy Jones is wearing. Hey, Seaver, you got no shot at Judy.

Unless she's into guys with dorky haircuts.

Look, this wasn't my idea. My dad made me get a haircut.

Hey, she's coming over.

Hi, Ben. New haircut?

Looks pretty bad, doesn't it?

No. I think it looks really cool.

Some girl did that to me. I'd slug her.

Then she wants me.

For what?

I don't know.

Okay, Benny, shoot.

What does it mean when a girl runs her fingers through a guy's hair?

Well, when a girl... Yep, yep, yep. Well, I'm glad you came to me on this,

I guess maybe it is time we had a little refresher talk on that subject, huh?

But all I want to know is... That's all right. Go ahead and have a seat. We'll

start at the beginning.

Now, we can skip the pistols and the stamens with you, can't we, Ben, huh?

Yes, let's start with our friend... Friends, the mammals.

Hmm?

Now, as you remember, Ben, when that old humpback whale starts to swim with

other humpback whales his own age outside the family unit.

All I'm saying is Dad told me a lot more than I wanted to know.

Ever. The humpback whale deal?

I mean, all I asked is, what does it mean when a girl runs her fingers

guy's hair?

Uh, Benny, Benny, why... Why would you want to ask Dad that when you've got me?

Well, Dad always says to come to him. Don't just pick it up in the street like

Mike did.

You see a street here?

No, but I was... Listen, you've got to understand.

Women today like guys who are gentle and sensitive.

And who knows how to fake that slob better than me?

All right, now show me exactly what she did.

She went like this.

All right, and how did it make you feel? God help me, I loved it!

Right? No doubt about it.

Mike, I thought girls were cute and stuff before, but I've never had one

me on purpose and, like, mean it.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'll never, never, ever forget the first girl who did that to me.

Rhonda.

Something or other.

Don't remember her last name?

Hey, give me a break. It was in nursery school.

This happened to you in nursery school?

Oh, yeah.

It was nap time, as I recall.

We had just put the plastic over the clay to keep it moist.

Then we set up our cots when I felt this tiny tug on my smock.

Hey, remember me?

Oh, oh, right. Sorry, Benny.

Okay, now listen. You just got to realize, Benny, that this is the first

girl has ever put a move on you. Now, are you ready to take that next step?

yes, yes.

All right, good.

Can I buy you an apartment?

For what?

You're skipping some major steps here.

But I gotta say, excellent attitude.

You got that fever blood pumping through those veins. Tell me about it. Yeah.

All right, now, you're hot to put a lip lock on. What's her name, right?

Judy. Her name's Judy Jones. Hey, down boy.

All right.

Now, listen.

Listen. We agree. That is your goal, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that is my goal. Thanks, Mike. I'm glad I talked to you.

What do I do?

All you gotta do... is ask her out. Right.

I'll ask her out.

Where should I ask her to go? A movie is always the perfect cover.

Right. Ben, don't move.

A movie.

Why? Because, Benny, it's dark, you get to sit real close, and maybe, just

maybe, she'll share your goobers.

I would have stayed in my room with my beef jerky.

The only reason I'm cooking is because Mom's got to get to her exercise class.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Serve it up, wench.

Well, well, well, someone else cooking. I could get used to this.

Yeah, you know, I was just saying the same thing.

Oh, well, well, well, someone else cooking.

I could get used to this.

You're saying the same thing.

Carol's cooking?

Forget it, Ben. It's been covered.

You look extra handsome today.

That's my plan.

Yeah, my turn.

Well, I have to run. Okay.

See you, Mom. Boy, do I have to run.

So, um, what's this cologne you're wearing?

Forever butterscotch?

Mike, just promise. All right, all right.

I won't say a word now that you're in love.

Mike, come on.

I gotta get to school.

But then you didn't touch your breakfast. I'm not hungry.

Loss of appetite.

It's definitely love.

I should have just found a guy instead of going on that diet.

How could you have found a guy? You were a pig.

Of course, now you look great.

Take my breath away.

You can tell me the first words that Alexander Graham Bell said on the

telephone.

A hint. He said it to his assistant, Mr. Watson.

Igor. Vito.

I don't care.

What did Alexander Graham Bell say to Mr. Watson?

Uh, elementary, my dear Watson?

Wrong, Vito. And now let's hear what Mr.

Seaver's answer is, which he has so thoughtfully written down for us.

No, Mr.

Seaver, Alexander Graham Bell's first words on the telephone to Mr. Watson

not, Hi, you're cute. Want to go to a movie?

That was great.

I almost wet my pants.

Better luck next time, Stinky.

You guys, spread out. Judy's coming over.

Was this addressed to me?

No, not at all.

Oh.

So could you?

Go to a movie with me.

No, I'm sorry.

Thanks anyway.

No, it's not that I don't want to. It's just that my mom says I can't go out on

date dates for another two years.

But like if somebody was having a party, I could meet you there.

I'd love to meet you there.

A party?

Well, son of a gun, somebody is having a party. Who?

Me. What are you saying?

You busy tonight? No. It's tonight at my house.

What kind of party?

A birthday party.

Whose birthday?

Mine. I thought your birthday was in October.

A lot of people do.

I wouldn't miss it for the world, Benjamin.

Benjamin, whoa.

You know, Stinky, I just invited Judy to a birthday party at my house tonight.

But it's not even your birthday.

I don't care.

All right!

Party! Party! No, Vito, I do care. Don't! Party!

Party!

Yo, Siva, can I bring my cousin from Hoboken?

Well, Christy, let me tell you about our friend the mammal.

Yes.

Where's Mike?

Hey, hey, don't we even get a hello?

Hello, where's Mike?

Ben, you seem upset.

I'm not upset.

And I don't need to know any more about humpback whales. I need Mike.

See, the humpback whale gets tired of swimming alone. I have gotten myself

some real doozies. But this is truly major league.

Okay, so you got what? 30 kids coming over tonight? If I'm lucky, that'll be

all. This is bad.

Well, let's keep our heads down. All right.

Now, you're having a birthday party tonight, but it's not really your

And even if it was, you don't have Mom and Dad's permission to have a party. Is

that about it?

This is real bad.

I'll tell everybody that I lied and there's no party. No, no, no, Benny,

listen to me. If your friends cannot rely on your word, especially when

lying, then you've got no future as a teenager.

Is it my fault it's not my birthday?

Hey, that's it.

That's it, Benny, I got it. Well, give it to me. Why can't today be your

birthday? You know what I mean?

No. Come on, Benny, aren't you listening to me? Listening to what?

We are gonna have your birthday party. But it's not my birthday!

Benny, Benny!

Come on, wake up and smell your birthday cake.

We're gonna need some brains on this operation.

Stinky can help.

You were this close to me and tossed out that window.

I am talking about Carol.

Carol never helped me. Oh, come on, Benny. You know how anytime somebody

mentions romance, Carol goes completely bat poop?

Yeah, so?

So we tell her about Judy.

And then she'll get all weepy like Mom, and then she'll help out.

I can almost hear that high -pitched squeal now.

Aw!

Does she feel the same way about you?

I think so. So will you?

Well, of course I'll help you.

Oh, Ben.

What'd I tell you?

Okay, now we don't have much time here.

See, Benny? She's already thinking.

I know the perfect way to get Mom and Dad out of the house.

Mike, I do assume you're willing to do your part to help out?

You know me, whatever it takes.

Why hasn't Mike called yet? He will, he will.

Sure he knows what to say? Relax, I even wrote him a script.

You're right, honey.

What was I thinking? Of course, I'll cook dinner, you breastfeed the baby.

What are you guys doing?

Waiting for this thing and phone to ring.

What?

It's for you, Dad.

How do you know this?

I know.

How could I?

Hello?

Yes, this is Dr. Steven. Oh, hello.

I have very, very wonderful news coming to you.

Who is this?

Oh, personally, I am Haji, manager of the Star of India restaurant.

Pleased to be informing you that tonight only you have won a free dinner for two

at my pitiful establishment.

That should be beautiful establishment.

Well, thank you very much anyway, but I'm afraid tonight's out of the

Did you say free?

Oh, yes, as free as the birds that fly among the clouds over Punjab.

Well, free, huh?

Oh, yes. Would 8 o 'clock be pleasing for you?

8 would be fine, yes.

Oh, goody. I will be counting the miserable minutes.

Until then, I bid you adios.

You know, hey, Carol, listen, would you mind, uh... Babysitting? She'd love to.

Uh, sure, Dad, I had plans, but I guess I could.

Great.

Get dressed, honey. I'm treating you to a fine dinner.

Mike, when are Mom and Dad going to leave? Ha, ha, ha!

Sam, heel.

Okay. The refreshments are in the back of Mike's car. The decorations are

under the porch. And I even remembered to get condiments.

Carol, what are you thinking? These are junior high school kids.

And I dropped $40 off at the restaurant.

Are you sure $40 is going to be enough?

Well, it'll have to be. That's all I found on your dresser.

What? You said whatever it takes. Well, it took your $40.

Well, I already paid for the band.

Band? What band?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Uh, yes, Dr. Seaver is here.

Call me Jason.

Yes, I'll keep my eye on the little tight.

I'll be here all evening.

Okay, bye -bye.

You'd be in all evening on a Friday night?

Is anything wrong with your voice?

Um, oh, yeah, I got a cold, Dad. That's why I'm staying in all night.

Hey, why infect the college woman of Long Island? Hey, Dave.

Dad, aren't you going to be late if you don't leave now? I was ready a half an

hour ago, but you know what your mother's like.

She's... She's gorgeous and smart and has a great sense of humor.

You're pushing it, Chris.

It is.

Chris, you sleep through. Okay. You guys have fun. Bye.

Stinky.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I? Oh, me?

Just stopped in to say hi to Ben.

Wearing a tuxedo?

I'm going to my uncle's funeral.

With a present?

We're circus people.

Good night.

Okay, good night. Have fun, guys. You kids have fun. See you later.

We're circus people.

Is he with you guys?

So, what'd you get Ben for his birthday?

It's not his birthday, Daddy.

I'm an empty box.

Ah, nuts.

That's what I got him.

How's my breath?

Hey, relax.

This is going to work out fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's going to work out fine?

This phony party that I'm having that will give me a chance to, you know.

A chance to what?

Put the moves on Judy.

Why? Because.

Because why? Just because, okay?

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

in the kitchen getting ready. Keep your shirt on.

And I mean that. We got impressionable young children here.

What is that?

Porter's Uncle Nunzio.

Isn't he great?

More cake?

Three pieces are plenty.

You having a good time?

No.

A great time.

This is the best birthday party I ever had.

I haven't even wished you happy birthday yet, have I?

Nah, but that's okay.

No, it's not.

Happy birthday, Benjamin.

Okay!

fancy place.

Nothing's too good for my Maggie.

Jason, let's reestablish our once a month dinner alone rule.

I think we just did.

Here you are, the Punjab surprise.

Oh, and I thought it might please you to enjoy the beans Morocco as well.

Morocco, I love beans Morocco.

Is that included in the... Free dinner?

Free dinner.

Certainly. Your check has been, as you say, taken care of. Up to $40.

You never mentioned a $40 limit on the phone.

Excuse me, but I have never had the pleasure of speaking to you on the

telephone, sir.

I must have been the owner.

I am the owner of this beautiful establishment.

There is no one else you might have spoken with.

Well, I'm beginning to smell a rat.

Enjoy.

Okay, let's slow it down now. With a musical offer you can't refuse.

So, you want to dance?

I was worried that Uncle Lugio was never going to play a slow one.

Happy birthday.

by a kid named Stinky telling me everything was fine while Hava Nagila

the background.

Who are you?

I'm Uncle Nunzio.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Your dad called.

All right, Carol, what the heck is going on in here?

Nice try, Mike. And, Carol, I leave you alone with Chris one time, and this is

what happens. I hope you don't have any plans for the next six months. Yeah.

You either, Mike.

Oh, maybe fine.

Will you forgive me if I check for myself?

Dad, just between you and me, I am very, very disappointed in Carol.

Well, I'm very, very happy to hear that.

Now, Carol, you go to your room right now.

And Mike, you go to your... go to your apartment.

And Ben, you and I are going to have a major, major talk.

Your friends are going to have to go home.

And that goes for you too, Uncle Nunzio.

Tough break, man.

Too bad this has to spoil a birthday like that, Benny.

Birthday?

probably think i'm the biggest weenie in the world and if you never want to talk

to me or even look are you not anybody who get into this much trouble just to

invite me to a party it's pretty cool happy birthday benjamin

it's not really my birthday

that you're okay.

Well, I still gotta go up and see Mom and Dad and face the music. Face the

music, I know.

But, Mike, it's funny. I mean, I'm probably gonna be grounded for the rest

life, but it was worth it. What was?

Mike, she kissed me.

Hey, all right, Denny. Welcome to the club.

Thanks, and it only gets better from here, right?

Nope, now you learn what real pain is.

Well, Ben got his first kiss and he's in heaven.

Well, actually, he's upstairs combing his hair.

And my God, whatever brothers get out of seeing each other takes the fruits of

victory, as he so grossly puts it.

And I... Carol, I don't see your point.

My point is, what was my crime?

I only did what all women have to do.

Try and make something special happen.

What all men try and do is make it meaningless and stupid.

Well, get used to it.

Okay.

Punishment canceled.

Michael Fever, you're not the only one who knows how to do that.

Yeah, but he knows enough to wait until I'm out of earshot. Punishment

reinstated.