Original subtitles

I said it before and I'll say it again.

This whole vacation thing.

Carol, if you can't say something positive, don't say anything at all.

Fine. That's all it takes to shut her up.

That applies to you too, Mike.

Things are bad enough with a stuck -on -the -rundown -garbage gal with a broken

motor and a radio that probably never works.

Well, thanks for those positive words, Maggie.

Well, did I say anything about the false economy of running this thing instead

of a real boat just to save a few measly dollars?

Well, that was 175 measly dollars.

And this thing is a boat. If it doesn't have a bathroom, it's not a real boat.

Are we gonna die?

No, honey, we are not going to die.

Well, we're just stranded on a leaky boat somewhere off the coast of Maui

without any way to communicate.

What do we have to worry about?

Sharks. Really?

Carol, don't frighten your brother.

I'm not scared, Dad. Sharks are neat.

This is the first good news I've had since we've been on this rundown old

garbage scab.

Come on, the Coast Guard's going to find us.

Let's look at this as the Seaver Clan's great adventure.

You realize this is the first time since we got to Maui that we've had a chance

to spend some real time together?

This is a family vacation, right?

Oh, gee.

Why?

I know what this group needs.

Time for the Seaverse Songfest.

Hey, come on.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the take it, Maggie. I don't feel like

taking it.

Everybody else.

Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near.

The best is ready to begin.

Okie dokie, everybody sing.

Mom,

Dad, do we have any ketchup left?

Lunch is over, Ben.

It's not for me, it's for Josh.

I'm going to pull him in to think he didn't slide.

Ben, that is so stupid.

Oh, yeah? Well, when I pour ketchup all over my shirt at school, Monica Burkle

would scream.

And she's a lot smarter than some dumb fish.

Here you go, Ben. Happy hunting.

All right, everybody, what do we do next?

May I throw up, please?

matter with you people i mean we're in paradise here together what about those

smiling faces you all had when we sat around the living room and we voted

unanimously to come to maui

We should just tell him.

Carol, be quiet. Tell me what?

Honey, the truth is that none of us was really that excited about coming here.

What? We despised the idea of a very marrow of our bones.

No, not me. I was totally stoked.

Not at first.

Remember when we first heard about this trip?

All right, now that we're all together, I guess we can begin.

What?

It's time for another deeper family meeting.

So you had him coming over before you asked him?

I moved that the Seaver family meeting be called order.

Smart girl, so moved. I second that.

All right, anyone have any old business to discuss?

I do.

I hereby move that we adjourn this meeting.

You're out of order.

Chair hereby recognizes himself.

Yep, that's you all right.

Well, I'd like to give you the preliminary report of the summer

subcommittee. What? I come before you with two proposals.

for the Seaver Family Vacation.

Great vacation!

Well, you said to handle it because you were too busy with the paper, and boy,

did I handle it.

Well, I, uh... Where are we going?

That's the Spirit Band. Yes, the Seaver Family together, right?

Right. Okay, what'll it be? Ten fun -filled days at Disney World.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Or ten days in Maui.

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

All right, so basically that's what we have to vote on tonight. Dad, your

phone is ringing.

Okay, well, you just talk among yourselves.

What'll it be?

Ten days in Maui or ten days in Orlando, Florida?

Which, by the way, is the least expensive of the two.

Not that that should be a factor in your decision, just as long as we're all

together. Dad, you're mental patient.

Right. Just talk.

I'm 17 and I should have fun while I'm young, shouldn't I?

Wow, this vacation's going to be neat.

Honey, Ben, would you mind taking your dessert into the living room and

a little television?

Sure.

You two could have a little consideration for someone else's

If this vacation doesn't happen, he'll be moping around the house and crying

a month. Well, get over it. He's 11.

No, he's not. He's 39.

You are my age. Did you want to go off with your parents for 10 days?

I most certainly... Well, honestly, I... Why did your father have to pick

this year of all years for a wonderful, beautiful, romantic vacation like Maui?

Well, I guess we'll just have to tell him we can't go.

No.

Let's make this decision.

In the right spirit.

Let's vote for Florida.

It'll make your father happy because it's cheaper, it'll make little Ben

and it's only a two -hour flight if any of us happen to have to rush back to see

our editors.

Agreed?

I guess. Sure. And we won't mention a word of this to your father.

How am I going to break the news to Bobby, huh?

You can't even triple get him a chance to do a little trolling.

Ten days with Tinkerbell?

Oh, I always got... Holy Toledo!

Look at this, babe.

Oh, and this one. Ay -yi -yi.

There's an island full of foxes here.

Wait a minute. Why didn't somebody tell me this Maui place was Hawaii?

That's when Mike went to work.

I sure did. And I started with the weakest link. Hey!

Benny, Benny, my lad. We must talk.

All right, now, do you really want to spend ten boring days in Orlando,

At Disney World? Are you kidding?

All right, let's just look at this.

So? It's a girl with coconuts on her... Exactly.

Wow! Yeah!

This Maui has horseback riding.

Horses, Ben, let me remind you, you're in puberty now. They let you ride them

right on the beach.

Ben, you're not... I mean, uh...

Yeah, yeah, you could just ride your little brains out over there.

You know, and I wouldn't be surprised if they let you keep your horse right in

your hotel room.

Oh, right!

No, I am not going to be 6 ,000 miles from the man I love.

So what, 1 ,200 miles to Florida is better?

Yes, at least we'll be in the same time zone.

Why, so you can call him every hour to make sure he's not out scamming babes?

Uh -huh, that's it.

I'm going to put Goofy Glue in your zit cream.

What would you do for me if I promised to get Mom and Dad to let you stay home?

What?

I had her hooked, Dan.

So you're interested.

Mike said if I voted for Maui, I wouldn't have to go.

Ten days in July?

Well, Carol, that's when my summer job ends. We were supposed to spend some

together before school starts.

No way. You haven't heard the good news.

Mike has promised to fix it so I don't have to go with him.

All right.

For ten days, I'll be here.

All alone.

So you see, Dad, the family vote was rigged. So what'll it be then, folks?

Florida or... Maui, Maui, Maui!

Maui? Maui would be okay, right, Carol?

Yes, Maui.

Well, then it's unanimous.

As long as we're all together.

Oh.

Honey, I... No, no. That's fine. Hey.

That's fine.

That is just fine.

Well,

I will have a good time for all of you. Because I'm going swimming.

Sharks do not have balls.

They can if they want to.

Where was I before all the commotion?

Well, that's right. I was having fun for everybody. I was swimming.

You know, fishing is fun, too. Fishing is more fun than swimming.

This whole mess is all your fault, you know.

Hi.

Look, you get out of here stuck out here.

I've got to get back to, uh... I've got to, um... I've got to act a little long

-danger. All right.

Rendezvous.

Belly.

R -U -N.

All right, so I can't spell it. Big deal. But Mike Siebert does not limit

he does to what he can spell.

And speaking of doing, ever since we got here, a whole world has been going on

that you've missed.

Oh, will you look at this view?

Didn't I tell you guys we'd be in paradise?

I was trying to figure out how many nights we were going to have in Maui and

many women I'd get a chance to meet when I saw her.

Who was this fox?

How come I saw her the minute we got to Maui?

Hey, Mike.

And how was it possible that her tour group was staying at our hotel?

It was so clear to me. God was telling me that this girl should be my first

Hawaiian experience.

Like if I didn't at least try to meet her, it would be a bad sin.

Come on.

You know I always like to do the right thing.

Like when the morning begins the day I was swept away.

Okay, why don't we just get a little bit closer together?

Okay, that's it.

This was unbelievable.

She liked me too.

Looks like someone's joined my tour without paying.

Hey, I just bought me.

Why don't you just move a little bit more to your left?

Okay. Before I knew what happened... A little bit more.

She'd agreed to give me a private tour of the island.

More?

Perfect.

This afternoon.

That's a good day, but no, I'm out here on this stupid tub.

TV.

Sir, you were going to get me out of this trip, remember?

Uh, Dad, you got... Hold on, hold on. I'm talking to the travel agent.

Get out of the shot, Mike!

Yes. No, no.

No, no, we can fly coach.

Uh, Mom, Mom, you got a sec?

Oh, sure, Mike.

Yeah, see, well, listen, Carol wants to blow off this whole family vacation

thing so she can hang out with Bobby while we're gone. What do you say?

Absolutely not.

Hey, I tried.

really gonna miss you too and remember i'll call you every day at six o 'clock

wait a minute that's six o 'clock your time my time will be um i

can't even get his call

he's gonna think i met some gorgeous punk who swept me off my feet and that

playing around on him why would you think that i'm trying to cheer your

dad up

I can't believe it. Well, I've got to get to shore.

You're going to sit here and fish.

Well, I have to go to the bathroom, but we don't always get our way.

Come on, Mom.

It's easy for you. I mean, what else do you have to do other than float around

out here?

What else?

You kids have no idea what I've gone through, what I'm going through, to make

this trip the best vacation ever for your dad.

Sure, I had vacation time coming.

Sure, I wanted time with my family.

But with that hot shot new reporter after my job, this was the worst

time to leave.

Corrine Dubois.

Fake name if I ever heard one.

Maggie! I am getting great reaction to part one of the Nuclear Power series.

When can you have part two?

Well, Susan, the thing is that I am going with my family to Maui. Oh?

But I'll be back in a... Well, that's okay. I'll put Corrine on it.

Carrie. Give her all your research.

But I have a good trip. This is my fun.

Give me a postcard, Carrie.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

You know, from the day we got here, I haven't exactly been on a full -time

vacation.

When I went to bed with your father, the real work began.

What do you think?

Just stay with me, Carol.

Oh, honey, I couldn't disappoint your dad.

But I couldn't disappoint myself either.

So, I figured what he didn't know couldn't hurt him.

At night, when everyone else was sleeping, I'd work on my story in the

If your dad woke up, I could always use my old standby excuse.

Diarrhea.

Oh, really?

Oh, honey, I... Oh, no, no, no, that's all right. That explains why you've been

too tired to socialize.

Hey, Dad, aren't you going to show Mom your fish you caught?

Absolutely not.

No one gets to see my fish.

I can explain. No, no, hey, hey, don't say the words. I understand.

I surrender. I surrender to all of you.

I was wrong to think that a family vacation might be a good idea.

Because you've all got other things to do.

More important things than spending a little time with your loved one.

That's all right. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Let's be honest. This trip is

over.

Hey, Dad, is this a spark plug?

Forget it, Mike.

Hey, Dad, I can't film it if you're standing on it.

Jason, does that spark plug have anything to do with the fact that we're

dead in the water?

Yes, it does.

What?

Okay, you know, with Mike running off all the time and Carol sulking, and

Maggie, you have been preoccupied. Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I knew that if we could just spend a little, if we were forced to spend

some time together.

that fundamentally we all wanted to be together.

And I know you're going to get a kick out of this, because I just... Jason,

spark plug. What spark plug?

Hey, you guys!

Just wait till you see the neat stunt by Videotape!

Shut up, Ben!

Are you sure there aren't any messages?

Well, I'm sorry, too.

Bobby probably called, and when I wasn't here, he was so angry, he couldn't

leave a message.

Oh, well, you'll feel better after dinner.

Come on.

We'll catch the wonder and the magic of a Maui sunset.

I can't leave this telephone. Dad, are you crazy?

What was I thinking?

would eat Jason, but I have a deadline and I wasted so much time bobbing

aimlessly about the ocean.

Mike?

Oh, he's gone again.

Maybe this time for good.

Well, all right. Then that leaves you and me, Ben.

My dinner's taken care of.

What? Well, see, there's this really neat thing here. You just pick up the

phone, tell them what you want, and they bring it right to your room. Room

service?

is to get out so you can see things and you can meet people and you'll have a...

Hey, Benny, how's it going?

Hi, Hadley.

I'll be in the restaurant.

Alone.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Here you go, Benny.

You want to eat with me?

No, I can't do it.

Not. Please?

No, we're New Yorkers.

No, your book.

This may be the first time I've ever seen a guest reading that.

Oh, wait, there was another time. Kurt Waldheim stayed here once.

A little history joke.

That's funny.

Actually, history is going to be my major at Yale in the fall.

Yale, huh? Well, I love history, too. No kidding?

Yeah. The Boxer Rebellion?

The Dark Ages? The Inquisition.

That's fun stuff.

I'll say.

Listen, um, tomorrow's my day off. You wouldn't want to get together and have a

little chat about the Black Plague of Europe, would you?

He can't. He's going with some guy.

Shut up, Ben.

Aloha, Mike.

Uh, don't these things usually come with a kiss?

think about anything else.

And I never wanted anything more than to know you.

I was swept away.

No one in the world but you and I.

Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do.

I was.

Look, where are you taking me?

Someplace neat. Come on.

Come on.

Uh, you know, there's dead people here.

Sure. My great -grandfather, his father, and my great -aunt Loki.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm sure they're very nice people.

Uh, quiet, well -behaved.

Just follow me.

Look, where are we going?

To heaven.

Exactly how do you mean that?

about the Black Plague of Europe?

Will Bobby ever call?

Will Mom file her story?

Will Dad cry?

Will Mike find true love?

Find out the answers to these questions and more next time on Growing Pains.

This has been a Ben Siever production.