Original subtitles

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! We're gonna be late!

Ben, do you have to yell?

Sure, I'm excited!

Then go outside!

What the heck's taking so long? We gotta move!

Get back inside, Ben! I'm sorry, Dad. I lost control.

Everyone on the block knows it.

I can't help it. How many kids get to spend their Friday night at a live...

into the Cosby show.

I'm excited too, Ben, but you don't hear me yelling.

Let's go!

What's taking Mom and Carol so darn long?

Well, Ben, I guess you're finally old enough to hear this. What?

Women are always late.

Why?

No one knows, Ben. It's just the way it is and always has been.

We could leave without them.

Well, the next thing you have to learn about women, Ben, they hate it when you

ditch them.

Why are they always late? I didn't say women made sense.

What?

I said they make tremendous sense.

Let's face it, Ben, they're just better than us.

Oh, you look great. What, does she look great?

You look... I'm going to start the car.

Wait for Carol, too.

She's your sister.

So?

All set.

How do I look?

Great. Mike, we're leaving. Okay, you guys have fun.

Hey, Carol, come on. Aren't you going to go get ready?

May your date tonight turn out to be the most embarrassing event of your entire

life.

Mike, I don't get it. How could you go and mess around with some stupid girl

when you could see the taping of the number one show on TV?

When puberty hits, you'll get it, Ben.

You already told me about girls. I'm not impressed.

Yeah, but you almost killed me.

Yeah, but something weird happened tonight.

What? Puberty.

Well, get out of here.

I'm not kidding.

I mean, there I was laughing, having a great time.

And all of a sudden I look over and there's this girl and she's looking at

real funny and she goes...

That's puberty, all right.

It was gross. How do I stop it?

You can't, Ben. See, nobody stops puberty.

Well, how long does it last?

Well, you never know. I mean, it could last forever.

Look at Michael J. Fox.

I'm confused.

Yeah, well, you just gotta learn to live with it, Ben.

Like you have?

Right. But I don't want to make a total jerk out of myself every time a girl

walks into the room.

Who says I do that?

Mom.

All right, well, look, you're just going to have to take my word on this one,

Ben. Puberty is fantastic.

I mean, it's like an amusement park filled with girls.

I hate girls.

Oh, come on, Ben, think about that. Do you really hate girls?

Yes!

No!

No, I don't hate girls!

I don't know anything about girls. What do I say to them? Ben, listen.

Explain girls, Mike, please, please, please.

Ben, you're going to have to talk to Dad, okay?

I can't do that, Mike. This is private. Help me.

Okay, look, Ben, I'll be straight with you.

Dad made me promise that if you ever came to me with any questions on sex, I

wouldn't say a word. Who's talking about sex? I want to know about girls.

Hi.

Morning, Benny.

You wearing aftershave?

Think away.

Jason, you know what would be fun?

Tonight, you and I go out on a date.

Date? You remember those we used to have when we were teenagers?

Those? Yeah, we get all dressed up, go out for a nice dinner, a little dancing.

I mean, how long has it been since we've done that?

How old is Mike?

You got any advice?

I don't even know what you're supposed to do on a date.

Well, you go out. Have a good time.

Doing what?

Well, it doesn't matter exactly what you're doing, Ben. What matters is that

you're spending time with the one who captured your heart.

How do you know if she's captured your heart?

She pays.

Chase.

Kidding. You know I'm kidding, don't you, Ben?

Oh, yeah.

Well, then you got a date, huh?

Yes, you do, Ben.

Dad. We've been through this before, Ben.

Oh, great.

A whole stupid, boring night with a 12 -year -old girl.

Hmm.

Hey,

babe. What's happening?

How come you're talking to yourself?

I'm not talking to myself. I'm just rehearsing my moves.

What are moves?

They're what you put on a girl.

Oh, yeah.

Why couldn't you do that?

In order to look cool, Ben.

See, it's just as important to look cool as it is to be cool.

But you're wearing your old pants.

Well, yeah.

I mean, although it is important to look cool, the worst thing I could do is to

make it look like I went out of my way for this fox.

Why?

Why?

Ben, look.

Girls don't like guys who are wimpy.

They like guys who are a little bit unpredictable.

The kind of guy who's a little bit dangerous.

The kind of guy who can get into trouble at any moment.

The peewee Herman probably has more dates than he can handle.

Get out. Get out, Ben.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let me let you in on a little secret, okay? Girls are always late.

Really? Yeah.

So who's the lucky girl tonight?

Well, I'm going out with Sheena Woo -Woo Berkowitz.

Woo -Woo?

Come on, Maggie!

The reservation's for 7 .30.

Wow, you're gonna be late.

See ya. Wait, wait, now, let me get this straight. You are going where?

Bobby's taking me to a movie, and I'm waiting for him on the front porch

when he comes in here, he has to talk to you, and that makes him nervous. So I

figured I'd wait for him outside and spare him the pain.

Well, how's that?

Wow, like I didn't even ring yet.

Bye, Trudy. Bye.

Hi, Dr. Steven. Sorry I'm late. Oh, it's okay, Trudy. All women are.

All women are what?

Well, hi.

I'm Jason Seaver. I'm your date this evening. And you are?

Anxious.

Oh, Trudy, the phone number of the restaurant is by the phone. Help

anything in the refrigerator. We'll be back around 11.

Right. Ben!

I'm still in the stupid bathroom!

He's taking a shower.

That's his third one today.

Maybe he didn't make up for last year.

We're leaving, Ben.

Okay. See you, Trudy. Bye.

What's happening?

What the heck's going on here?

I'm using all my moves and she acts like she doesn't care.

Wait a minute. What did Dad say?

Women don't make sense.

So far, so good.

Ben, stop clowning around, huh?

What? Get away from me.

What are you doing?

I've had enough of this junk.

I'm in the mood to do something unpredictable.

Something dangerous.

I don't know. I'm just the kind of kid who likes to get in trouble.

You better not, young man. This is the best babysitting job I've got, and I'm

not about to lose it. Now, this day... and be quiet or I'll send you to bed.

This is the worst night of my life.

This is the worst night of my life.

I can't believe this. I was stood up. Me, Mike Seaver, stood up. Can you

that? I sure can.

Yo, that's it. I have had it with women.

Should I call my folks to come get me? Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Just gonna hang out here with Ben.

And why are you dressed like that?

Benny?

Mike, please, Mike, don't, Mike, please, don't.

Benny, are you putting the moves on your babysitter?

Yeah, Boner, look, I got some news about my date with Woo Woo Berkowitz.

Yeah, you're not going to believe this, but I got stood up.

Why is it so easy for you to believe?

Yeah, all right. Well, anyway, I just want to let you know that as of tonight,

am taking a break from women.

Well, hi.

Break's over.

Hey, babe. What's happening?

Oh, not much. I'm Trudy's sister. I had to drive all the way over here to pick

her up.

You drive, so you're 16?

18.

18? 18's good.

Hey, what a coincidence.

Is that your convertible in the driveway?

Uh, yeah, sure is.

You want it?

I'm Stacy.

Yeah, I'm, um, Mike.

I'm bored.

Oh, yeah.

Well, um, it was nice meeting you.

Yeah, yeah, same here.

Say, um, would you like to go out sometime?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, but I'm only in town for the weekend. I have to go back to

University.

You go to college? Yeah. You?

Uh, another coincidence.

Um, well, what about tonight?

Oh, well, it's a little late for a date.

If you went out now, Dad would have a cow.

What do you know, Trudy?

Micah, the truth is, I'm a little bit tired. Yeah, right. Can we go?

Wait in the car.

Kids.

So young, so impatient.

Well, I'm coming back in three weeks.

Three weeks?

I mean, um, yeah, all right, we can work something out.

Yeah, you could come down to D .C.

D .C.? No, I don't think my folks... I mean, my folks wagon's gonna make it.

Um, see, uh, I'm just visiting home for the weekend, too.

Oh, where do you go to school?

Yale.

Wow! Yeah.

See, so it'd be a real long drive to D .C. from Boston.

Boston? Yale's in New Haven.

Harvard's in Boston.

Oh, uh, Brad, you know, I make that same mistake all the time. See, I turned

down the Yale scholarship and took the one from Harvard instead.

Oh, my little sister is freaking out.

Yeah, you know, my little brother probably drove her to it. He just

discovered girls, and maybe Trudy had gotten a little more than she had

bargained for.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well... Um, you know, it's very sweet, and you know what really gets me is that

the first crush my little brother has on a girl, she has to go home early.

Oh, that's a shame.

A shame? It's a crime.

Well, I think it's just as wrong that my little sister's denied the experience

of some innocent flirting.

Um, you know, I couldn't agree more, and...

And with the way the world's going today, I think that these two kids may

stumble into puberty without adults like you and me around.

Oh, that's frightening.

That's the idea.

I'll get my sister.

Okay.

Look, Ben, I need you upstairs.

Trudy's up there.

Mike, I'm through with girls.

You can't be, Ben. You haven't even started yet.

I'm thinking about the priesthood.

All right, all right. So maybe things haven't gone that well for you today.

Mike, she laughed at me.

Oh, Ben, all women laugh at guys. You just got to get used to it. There's no

time to give up.

Oh, good, Mike. You just squished Mr.

and Mrs. Jones.

Look, Ben, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, okay?

Now, I'm going to tell you all you need to know about women so you can go right

back up there and have the last laugh on Trudy, okay? She doesn't care.

Doesn't care? Come on, Ben, don't fall for her little act.

Now, listen to me.

All girls do and say the opposite of what they mean.

Now, don't tell me you didn't know that.

Of course I did. I just forgot for a minute.

All right, now, you can go back up there. You're going to sit down here and

out. But I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to act with her.

Okay, okay.

And the single and most important thing is just not to embarrass yourself.

Okay. Okay, that means no belching.

Ever?

Well, at least not when you're with her.

Gotcha. Okay, no screaming. Of course not.

Okay, and the most important thing, Ben, don't have anything with you that's

alive.

Oh.

Don't!

out him. You keep your mouth shut and you pretend to like him and you do it

me.

Hi. Sure.

Um, look, why don't you two finish watching a movie and I'll show Stacy the

kitchen. I'd love to see the kitchen.

I understand you love me.

Not at all.

Good, very good. I don't like you either.

And this is what I like to call the refrigerator.

Uh -huh.

Want to touch it?

So, what else can I show you?

Ben, stop that.

Yeah, right.

So, you see, according to my sociology professor at Hale, at Yarvard, at

college, the single greatest barrier between male -female relations is

about the first kiss.

Now, we could just... Do that right now and get it all over with.

Well, you know, I just don't... I feel so much better. You have to feel like a

high school boy again.

Where did you graduate from?

Dewey High.

You're a hooter? I'm a hooter! Class of 86!

Yeah, what a coincidence.

You couldn't have been in my class. I'd remember you.

Um, well, I was much shorter then.

You should have looked down. There I was.

Your hand is sweating all over my back.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Try it again and I'll slug you.

Wait a minute. Are you really saying you really don't like me?

Ben, you're just a stupid little kid with sweaty hands.

too hard.

Everything was so simple before I went to the Cosby show.

You've been to a taping of the Cosby show?

In person?

Yeah. Really?

We do stuff like that all the time.

Wow!

Ow!

Come on, Trudy. We're getting out of this playpen.

Look, I didn't say I went to college. I just said it was a coincidence.

Oh? And what was the coincidence?

Well, that... You're going to college, and I've heard of it.

Oh, grow up.

Why are you still sitting there? I said let's go.

Do I have to?

Ben and I are having a very interesting conversation.

We're leaving.

I'm sorry, Ben. I have to go.

You're really sorry?

Are you kidding?

Wait a minute. I thought you hated him.

That's before I got to know him.

When can we get together and talk?

Um, gee, I don't know. I guess I'll call you. No, no, I'll call you, Benjamin.

Bye.

Wow, the Cosby Show.

I want to know what you said to Trudy.

Just what you told me to.

And what else?

That's it.

Come on, Ben. What else did you say? I need to know.

Mike, are you asking my advice about women?

What? Oh, come on, Ben. That's stupid.

So, like, what'd you say?

I thought you knew everything about girls.

Well, of course I do.

Okay, all right. Maybe not everything.

But a lot. I know a whole lot.

All right, nothing, zero, zero.

But I always thought... Well, of course you did, Ben. I mean, you were just a

starry -eyed little kid.

But I guess it's time you learned the truth now that you're a guy.

I'm an actual guy?

Yeah, a small one, but yes.

Gee, I'm a guy, and I know as much about girls as you do.

You know nothing.

Uh -huh.

Hi,

guys. Hi.

You're up late.

And we're having a nightcap.

Oh, and since you asked, yes, we had a great date. Yeah, we sure did.

Well, good night.

Are the evenings over?

Night, boy.

Night, Mom.

Good night.

See you in the morning.

Uh, Dad.

Dad, you got a second?

Actually, I... Hi. It's important.

Well, okay, what is it?

Well, um, see, me and Ben were...

discussing women, and we kind of wanted to know your thoughts.

You two were discussing women?

Yeah, I'm a guy now.

Oh.

So, what do you think?

See, what we need to know is, like, at what age did you finally understand

women?

What's so funny? Well, nothing. It was just, seems like only yesterday that I

was asking my dad that exact question.

When was that?

It was yesterday.

Bobby and I are fighting.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why?

He says I should call him if I ever decide to make sense.

Well, that's pretty rude.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

So you're having some cake so you feel better?

No, I'm not hungry.

You want some cake?

No, no, I never eat cake in this place.

Mom, do you understand men?

No. That's okay.

They don't understand us either.

Then let's not understand.

Got me.