Original subtitles

was a cop looking for corruption in all the wrong places.

And she's a mother raising a boy who's begun to ask why his mom packs a .38.

It's Undercover Mother.

Hey, guys.

Ben, you know your bedtime, right?

1 a .m. Ben.

Okay, 9.

Hey, it was worth a shot.

Honey, terrible news. We're going to have to miss the parents' meeting. Gosh

darn it.

My car won't start.

What did you do to it? Nothing.

Jason Seaver, you are just trying to get out of this parents' meeting because

it's boring.

You think you know me so well. Oh, no, I know I know you. I know I know you. I

know you think you know me.

Well, I know you well enough to know you think I only think. I knew you'd say

that. I knew you'd say that. Stop!

Here, look. Take my car.

Thanks, Mike. You're a prince.

Yeah, and don't you remember, this is a car and not a toy. Treat it that way.

Yes, sir.

So why would you lend them your car?

Well, either they gotta fill up the gas tank or they're not coming back.

Either way, I win.

I want to watch something good.

The best you've ever to be.

I'm not crazy about spending an evening debating whether or not the school

cafeteria should serve beans and weenies, which, by the way, I'm dead

But we do have a responsibility as parents.

Maggie, I'm crushed. I'm every bit as responsible and adult as you are.

Hey, chucklehead, blow it out your tailpipe.

Are you quite finished? Yes.

Sure you don't want to pull up alongside him and moon him?

Come on, Maggie. It's the middle of winter.

I know that hidden somewhere beneath that juvenile exterior is a responsible

person. Thank you.

Want to steer?

Come on, relax.

We're going to make it to the meeting and then... Oh, wow.

What? That movie theater back there, they're playing a man and a woman.

Oh, what a wonderful movie.

Remember when we saw it for the first time?

Of course I do. It was our first date. No, it was our second date. On the first

date, I picked you up at the women's lib rally.

No, no, no. You didn't pick me up. I picked you up.

Let's go see it.

What about the meeting?

Well, we could put in a token appearance and then duck out.

Boy, I don't know.

We have our responsibility.

You were just convincing me a minute ago that we should...

We've got to get him out of here. We've got to vote him

out. All right. Vote him out.

All right already. Enough with the freaking talk.

Let's call for a vote.

All those in favor signify by saying aye.

Aye.

Anybody opposed?

No.

Sorry, the beans and weenies it is.

Calvador, my boss, you're trying to railroad this through because you've got

school weenie contract.

Put a cork in it, Yvonne, eh?

Roll call.

Roll call.

Roll call.

Take the weenie truck in 15 minutes.

Don't attract attention.

I'll sneak out. You can call me in a couple minutes.

Well, you can tell me first.

Oh, you want to put it to a vote?

No.

You go. I'll be the adult.

Yes, sir.

Yvonne, we've wasted enough time on this.

Besides, you don't even have a kid in this school.

Oh, sure. Bring that up again.

All right.

Next item on the agenda is whether we should establish a dress code for our

little monkeys here at Dewey High.

Anybody have anything to say?

Anybody have anything intelligent to say?

Yo, Doc!

Go ahead.

Pardon me?

Say what you want to say about this dress code deal.

Ah, well, actually, I was just going to say that I don't think the dress code is

the school's business.

I think that children and their parents together should decide what's proper,

and why do we want to stifle that communication?

Whoa.

You mean you actually want your teenage kids to communicate with you?

Yes. I want to know exactly what's on their minds.

I couldn't live like that.

Wait a minute. Are we saying that we as parents, we don't want to be involved in

the shaping of our kids' ideas and their goals, their ambitions?

You haven't met my little Newton.

Well, if that's how you feel, Braxton, then why stop at a dress code? Why not

have full military uniforms? We'll give them all a little burr haircut.

Is that a motion, Doc?

No.

No, who here understands what I'm trying to say? Oh, I do. I do.

You're saying that we should let the kids discover who they're going to be.

Yeah. And if that means they're going to rebel a little bit, so what? Exactly.

And if that means they're going to be putting safety pins in their ears, fine.

No, I wasn't going to go that far. Bringing small caliber pistols to

problem.

Because that's what they're going to be doing if we keep on serving them beans

and we keep on...

Thanks, Yvonne.

Maggie. What's going on? Uh, excuse me.

I'm just trying to make a point here. Well, I thought we were trying to make a

movie. Oh, we will. Just, uh, you know my wife, lovely, respected journalist

Maggie. And Maggie, why don't you tell these people how you would feel if they

imposed a dress code at Dewey High?

Oh, I'd love it.

You would hate a dress code.

Jason, I don't want to argue about that.

No, not do I. Just help me out a little bit.

Tell the people that a dress code is wrong. It's wrong.

I don't think it is.

Wait, wait, wait. Maggie didn't have the benefit of my opening remarks here.

Because I know you, and I know you'd agree.

Well, Jason, I know myself, and I don't agree.

You can't side with these people when they're on a thing. Because it's a

ridiculous thing. It's ridiculous.

But it makes sense.

Well, not to any thinking person.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, Jason. Okay.

So how does a thinking person suggest we teach our kids respect for the learning

process and help them build character?

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

do not build character.

Talk to Don Johnson.

I don't want to talk to Don Johnson. Well, maybe I do.

So would I.

Okay, Maggie, think, please.

Think. You are a liberal humanist.

No, Jason, you are, and you are always getting us confused.

I know that Maggie, once she's had a chance to think about this, you will

realize... Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you implying that because I

disagree with you, I'm not thinking? No, I'm just saying you're a little

distracted.

Distracted? Yes, you, she, came in here tonight with nothing on her mind other

than sneaking out to some stupid movie.

Well, whose idea was this? Stupid movie in the first place. No, I just mentioned

that it was playing.

Oh, sure, with that come -hither look in your eyes.

Is this a come -hither look?

Not to me.

And who is humming... Excuse me, excuse me, what's the name of that movie? Oh,

forget the movie, please.

Fine, fine, you brought it up.

Exactly!

This is far too important an issue for us to decide about it without using

reason instead of ignorance.

Ignorance. Now, there's a very interesting word.

If you look it up in your dictionaries, you would see that ignorant doesn't mean

dumb. For instance, ignorant means uninformed.

Well, here's my wife, Maggie, who is certainly not dumb, a very bright woman.

Well, ignorant.

In this case, in this case, in one case, just this one. Not always, not always.

Boy,

I am hungry. Are you hungry? I'm hungry.

Shall we stop and eat?

What do you feel like?

I feel like dirt.

Oh, well, let's go to the International House of Dirt.

Well, I have a better idea.

Why don't we just pull in here and see if they have a midnight showing of a man

and a woman?

I'll check with the cashier. You just keep smiling.

count bottom of the night with the bases loaded but marvelous mike the fiery

right hander doesn't worry as he eyes the crowd he checks the signals takes a

deep breath reaches for the rosin bag spits

Just leave my buddy Ben alone, all right? He and I are trying to get a

healthy exercise before we turn in. Yeah.

So why don't you just... I hate you.

Fine, fine, fine. You guys do what you want. But I sure wouldn't want to be in

your shoes. Mom and Dad walk through that door and see how openly you

them.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah, a good clean game of baseball.

Wait a minute. My controller's not working.

Look, Ben, this is the last time I'm going to tell you, go to bed.

Mom, I can explain.

Good night, boys. See you in the morning.

This could be a trick.

Mom, where's Dad?

Who?

Tall guy, nice smile, looks like a talk show host.

Oh, him?

He's at the movies.

Bye.

Blonde woman looks like Donna Deverona?

Yeah, that's her.

Upstairs. Great.

That's great. Okay, good night, boys.

Wow, he doesn't send me to bed either.

What do you say we go for a doubleheader? Nah, I think I'll turn in.

Not something that should be left inside to seethe and fester.

Jason, you make our marriage sound like a boil that needs lancing.

Okay, that's good. Come on, go with that.

Jason, I'd rather not talk about this right now because I might say or do

something that I'd regret.

What, like leaving me stranded outside the mighty fine arts cinema?

No, I said something that I'd regret.

All right, look, I am sorry that I was rude.

I admit that I was thoughtless. I admit I got a little carried away.

Oh, honey, it's okay.

Because I know how frustrating it must be to deal with someone as ignorant as I

am.

Ignorance is such a terrible burden. I explained I was using the term ignorant

in its classic sense.

I know you can't be this upset over the word ignorant, over that word.

I know that you're sublimating. Tell me what you're sublimating.

Sublimating? Well, I'll tell you what I'm sublimating.

I am sublimating at this very instant a sincere desire to tell you exactly what

I feel about psychiatric terms like sublimating.

All right, I won't use psychiatric terms.

Just tell me what's got you so upset.

You really don't know, do you?

Well, not precisely, no.

I am stunned that you don't know, Jason, since I don't have a thought in my head

that you haven't put there. That's what I thought.

No, no, no, that's not what I thought.

Well, I'll tell you what I thought.

I thought that you really meant it when you said that the best thing about our

marriage was the fact that we were both individuals with ideas, ambitions, and

identities. Well, you know I do.

I know you did.

Until tonight I heard you blurt out how you really feel.

I didn't blurt.

So you thought about it before you said it?

I was, I always have a, you've taken a word out of context and you've blown it

out of all proportion.

Oh, there I go showing my classic ignorance again.

Come on, you know as well as I do, I love the fact that you have your own

you have your own identity. I don't even mind a little disagreement, Maggie. I

thrive on it.

Well, Jason, you're in for some real fun.

Okay, now I'm getting angry.

Come on, you're so upset because there's one silly, stupid little remark that

accidentally blurted out.

So you admit that you blurted? Oh, are we back to that again?

Jason, you are the psychiatrist, and I'm surprised that you don't know when a

person just blurts out something, it is usually how they really feel.

Nuts! See?

You know, I don't see any point in continuing this. Do you see any point in

continuing this? No, I don't. Well, I just think that the way you're acting

tonight, Maggie... I don't even know you. Well, that's exactly how I feel.

well, blurt, blurt.

Ben, I cannot sit here and watch you eat that for

breakfast. Well, close your eyes.

If you guys have any idea what's going on, you are not going to believe this.

Mom and Dad are fighting.

How'd you know?

Well, first, Dad flipped on the couch, and second, he didn't just dress up to

jogging. He actually went.

Not only that, Mom actually said we should get our own breakfast.

talking about.

I mean, at their age, somebody has to look out for them.

True. Yeah, I think we should clear this thing up before Ben becomes a total

porker. Hey, I'm making the best out of a bad situation.

I know what would work.

I mean, they couldn't be mad at each other if one of their kids were in

right? No, no, no, no. Carol, I'm always in trouble.

so perfect, so right.

You know, sometimes my brain frightens me.

All right, now get this. I'm going to send Mom a huge bouquet and a wimpy

apology from Dad.

That's your idea?

Yeah. Mike, it'll never work.

Well, it did on the Cosby show.

That's TV. This is real life.

Well, Carol, whenever a man and a woman fight, every guy on the planet knows who

has to apologize.

Honey?

Honey?

Honey!

Honey!

What?

Well, I was wondering if maybe I could just have a word...

went to work well i'm running kind of late this morning jason i'm interviewing

governor cuomo how about tonight well i was hoping we could you know talk just

before you left because i've been thinking about the way things sometimes

out of hand and events gain a momentum of their own and uh then we end up

things we don't mean i know gotta go

The interview's in half an hour.

Well, don't you think you should dress for it?

Jason, I don't need a fashion critique. I hardly slept a wink last night, and

I'm not thinking very clearly this morning.

Well, this is beyond fashion.

I mean, you approach the governor dressed like that, and his bodyguards

going to wrestle you to the ground.

Oh, so what do you wear when you interview the governor?

Well, come on. I'm just saying this is a respected public official.

This is Mario Cuomo, not Bozo Cuomo.

So you're saying that clothing has something to do with character? Of

No.

No, no, no.

Too late, Jason. You said it. You feel the same way I do. I don't. You do.

No, I don't. Just because you feel one way about certain things doesn't mean I

have to feel the same way.

Exactly.

That's exactly the point I've been trying to make.

But you tricked me.

Honey, I wouldn't have stooped so low if I didn't love you.

I deserve to be tricked?

Yes, I do.

I'm really sorry about what I said last night.

Honey, you embarrassed me in front of all those people.

I'm sorry.

I was ignorant.

But just for the record, I still don't believe in dress codes at school.

And just for the record, I'm still for them.

So we can either debate about it or we...

Excuse

me.

Dr. Jason Fever?

Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.

It's my job.

Jason, I love you even when you think you don't agree with me. Love, Maggie.

Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

Well, I just thought that after... I wish I had been, you know, my... More

flowers. These are for Maggie Thieber. Oh!

And hey, just seeing people like you is stiff enough for me.

Jason, how sweet.

Well, I... Maggie, dearest, how could I have been so wrong? I'm a complete wimp.

Love, Jason.

Oh, honey, don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?

No.