Original subtitles

Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in

circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

Hey, we're trying to do a little Romeo and Juliet here. We don't need no

insensitive jerk messing it up.

Sorry, coach.

All right.

Go back to the part where Romeo was swearing.

Okay, people.

Remember, next week we have a major exam on all the Shakespeare sonnets, so you

better know your assonance from your elbows.

Are you coming, Carol, or what?

Where are sensitive men like Romeo nowadays?

Men who aren't afraid to cry.

I mean, all we have are insensitive jocks.

Do you think Tom Cruise cries?

Tom Cruise can do anything he wants.

Seaver?

Yes, Mr. Lovett?

Seaver, I'm going to say something to you that may shock you.

But in this class, I consider you my equal.

Well, what I mean is, is that if I had a question about Shakespeare, and I had a

choice of either asking him or you, I'd ask you.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that he ran around in tights all the

time.

The point is that I need your help.

It's no big secret that I wouldn't even be teaching this class if Mrs.

Orbeau hadn't gone a little bit flaky, if you know what I mean.

But there's a kid who's flunking the class who shouldn't be, and I kind of

myself.

So I was wondering if maybe you could tutor him.

Well, I've never really thought of myself as a teacher.

Hey, who has?

So what do you say?

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Ah, yeah.

Hey, Bobby.

The chalk?

Yeah,

Bobby, uh, Seaver here is gonna help you through, uh, that Shakespeare stuff.

All right.

Now, look.

You do everything she says. Because if you don't pass, you don't play.

And it ain't gonna do you no good to come crying your eyes out to me like you

did last year.

I don't think we ever really met. I'm Bobby Wynette.

I know.

And you're Carol the Brain.

I know.

You actually cried last year?

Yeah.

Groin pull.

afraid to it went great yeah okay we had this pop quiz and health class and i

got are you ready for this an a an a yeah yeah so we had to like list the

basic food groups and i got every single one of them right

wow two hours of studying

really paid off

Any place in particular?

Beijing would be good.

How come all of a sudden you don't want us around?

It's not sudden.

Carol. Oh, no, no, I get it, Dad.

She's probably got one of her oh -so -brainy friends coming over, and she's

afraid that we'll embarrass her.

Which, of course, we will.

It's none of your business who I've got coming over.

Well, Carol, being ashamed of your brothers is not nice.

Yeah.

wants to come with me to pick up your mom.

Free ice cream.

Let's roll.

And I don't want you to be bothering your sister when her little friend is

Hey, no sweat, Dad.

Mike,

why don't you go someplace and count your brains, Sal?

What is it with you? Who's coming over there?

Geek queen of Dewey High?

It's none of your business.

Oh, I get it. This isn't just like a she -geek. This is a he -geek, isn't it?

You're scum.

Oh, I knew it, I knew it. So who is it, like a hunk from the chess club?

A total babe from the honor society?

For your information, it happens...

of the varsity football team. Bobby Wynette?

Yeah.

Wait, wait a minute.

Bobby Wynette is coming over here to see you?

Yeah.

Why?

why you'd be over here seeing her.

Well, how about my room? There'll be fewer stupid interruptions.

Your parents won't mind?

Well, we're the only ones here.

Except for Mark, of course.

Bobby, I don't know why Romeo didn't try CPR on Juliet before he killed himself.

I mean, the guy doesn't even check a pulse before he does himself in.

Bobby, the play is over.

To you geniuses, it may make sense that Juliet gets some drug from a priest to

pretend like she's dead so she can run off with a guy who's too stupid to pick

up the phone and call a doctor.

But to a guy like me, it's sheep dip.

You're calling Shakespeare sheep dip.

If I was Romeo and you were Juliet and I really had it bad for you, there's

nothing nobody would say to get in the way. Not my family, not your family, not

nobody. By the time those people turned around and looked for you and me, we'd

be in my pickup halfway to Jersey.

Sorry I lost my temper.

Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

Guess I'm too sensitive.

This tutoring stuff's a bad idea. My head's too thick. No, no, no, no, no.

Understanding Shakespeare is a very difficult thing to do. You know, when I

first read his plays, I was lost for months.

Ruined my entire sixth grade year.

You read this stuff in the sixth grade?

Over here, okay?

No, no, no, you're smart.

Boy spending this much time with me must really be boring for you, huh?

a few, okay?

Where's Carol?

Upstairs in her bedroom with a football player.

A football player?

Our son has a very weird sense of humor.

Oh, yeah, little Carol.

Bye, Mom, Dad, this is Bobby. Pleased to meet you.

The football player? Yeah, you heard of me?

Yeah, I just didn't believe it.

Carol, what's going on here?

I'm tutoring Bobby.

Carol's translating the Shakespeare guy into English.

Well, nice to meet you, Bobby. Pleasure wasn't distinctly mine, Mr. Seaver.

Mr. Seaver, yo, football.

Oh, Carol, I'll see you tomorrow.

Thanks again.

Certainly was polite.

Yeah. And cute.

Yeah.

You're doing great, Maggie.

So, what do you think of him?

Oh, Mom, I'm just tutoring him. He's not my type, okay? I swear I don't know

where he'd ever get the idea I'd be attracted to body. Body!

If there's anybody we can trust in a situation like that, it's you.

That's right, honey.

You trust me?

You bet.

What a rotten thing for you to say.

I mean, we have faith in you. Why does everybody always think I'm going to do

the right thing?

So you're saying that you're interested in Bobby?

Mom, haven't you heard a word I said? He has none of the qualities I would look

for in a boy.

Well, what are those qualities?

be an intellectual at least as smart as I am, if not smarter. It has to be

sensitive and vulnerable, too, with a full understanding of the universe and

place in it.

Well, we're safe. She's eliminated everybody but Carl Sagan.

But soft.

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the... What do you want?

Can you explain what that means?

Well, it's an... wherein Shakespeare likens the presence of Juliet to that of

the rising sun.

You chucklehead.

Okay, I want you to read the first act of Much Ado About Nothing and be

to talk about what all the ado is about.

Great. More homework. It's only Tuesday and I'm already getting behind.

Speaking of getting behind, does anybody want to go watch the boys' swim team

practice after school?

ever have any fun?

Carol, I'll see you at the school at your place.

Okay.

She does.

So, like, what is this Bobby Winnett situation?

There's no situation. I'm just tutoring him.

Oh, well, that figures.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Carol. Don't have a cow.

Everybody knows you're...

Immaculate?

Immaculate? You know, wholesome.

Well, there are worse things to be, like, um, fat.

Well, for your information, Bobby and I did our studying all evening in my

bedroom, and the subject was, um, Romeo and Juliet, if you get my meaning.

Ogle the boys' swim team and act like a little girl when I can be a woman at

home.

Big trouble.

Mike, what happened to you?

Ben, look, you can have it. Me and Dad have got some man talk, all right? Who

I, a Muppet?

Mike, you look like you've been in a fight. Oh, yeah.

But who with?

My sixth period speech class.

What, you fought the whole class?

Look, I'm not that. I'm from the bottom of the pile, all right? Now, my fight is

not important right now.

Either is my suspension.

You were suspended?

Yeah, look.

All right. Now, at the start of the class, Eddie comes up to me and asks me

heard the news. I say, What news? He says, about Carol.

Well, you know me, I mean, I'm always ready for a good Carol nerd story.

And then he starts saying disgusting stuff about Carol.

So I keep smiling, see, waiting for the punchline.

And he's not kidding.

And I don't know what happened, but the next thing I know, I'm sitting there

punching Eddie out.

And then I'm swinging and kicking, and I couldn't even figure out why I was so

angry.

I mean, here I was, getting all busted up, protecting Carol.

It must have been delirious.

Wait a minute, what were they saying about Carol?

Well, that she's been sleeping with Bobby Winnette right up in her own room.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Bobby wants to start a room and just pick someone like Sheena Berger with

Now, with her, I don't mind.

Are you sure Bobby said this? Yeah, Dad. Look, I don't think you should let him

come over here anymore.

Well, he's upstairs with Carol right now.

You hold him. I'll work him over.

Talk to him, all right? Hi, am I too late for the man? Were you in a fight?

Not just a fight, a brawl.

Yeah, protecting his sister's good name.

Yeah, nobody badmouths that geek when I'm around.

Then have my lips, the sin that they have took.

Now, Julian meets at Romeo's first kiss, the sin.

She'll be taken back by Romeo.

Sounds like she's scamming him for another kiss.

Exactly. All right.

Okay. Here.

Thin from my lips. Oh, trust... Trust... Trespass. Trespass, sweetly urged. Give

me my thin again.

So he gets the message, right?

Right.

And then they kiss, restating their love.

You're really... smart.

Lucky me.

Well, I mean, it's nice. I never hung out with a smart girl before. It's

interesting.

The stock market is interesting.

I mean, it's kind of nice.

Nice is nice.

There's this theater that's showing Romeo and Juliet, and I was wondering

You had nothing to do. Maybe you and I, we could... Mom, Dad!

I sincerely hope we aren't interrupting anything.

Afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Thiever.

Bobby, I want to have a word with you.

Dad, what are you doing?

And I'd like a word with you, Carol.

Oh, embarrassing.

Bobby, my office?

Sure. You can take your books.

just done? You have ruined my entire life.

Carol, I don't think you understand what's going on. I'll tell you what's

on. The captain of the football team, the pride of the Dewey Hooters,

was in the middle of asking me out. Me, Carol the Brain Thiever.

Oh, honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Bobby isn't as nice as he

might seem.

How would you know? Because he's saying terrible things about you. What are you

talking about? about?

He's been telling people all over school that while you two were supposed to be

studying, you slept together.

He's telling?

And I don't want someone who would spread those kinds of rumors about my

daughter in this house.

Well, Mom, I think we have a problem then.

Well? Well, what?

Explain yourself.

Oh, you mean like where I was born, what position I play?

No, I'm talking about what you said at school yesterday.

What do you mean?

The lie you told.

Oh.

How did you know?

Everyone knows.

Okay.

I didn't really read Moby Dick.

The library had these old comic books called Classic Illustrated, and all I

was just copy... I'm talking about Carol.

Oh, I bet she read it. She's read everything.

I just said it to Debbie and Shelly. I mean, I never thought they'd go blabbing

all over the whole school with it.

Forget about Debbie and Shelly.

I might do.

I mean, how could they do that? How could they believe something like that?

Because they heard it from you.

Mom, don't defend them.

could you start a rumor like that about... It is a rumor, isn't it?

Of course it is, Mom. I mean, everybody knows that decent, responsible,

immaculate Carol wouldn't dare do a thing like that.

Then why?

I don't know.

Carol, that's a Mike answer. I expect a little more from you.

What am I, a saint?

Why do you...

have to say mike why can't you be more like your sister why does every teacher

i've ever had put me in charge when they leave the classroom why is it that i'm

the one always to be elected a recording secretary oh honey those are

all good things i just wish that every once

in a while it would be nice to be thought of as dangerous

Provocative?

Yes.

Sexy?

Yes.

The kind of girl that should never be allowed to study in her bedroom with a

hunk?

Yes.

Have you noticed Bobby's, um, cute bottom?

Well, am I wrong?

No.

You know, honey, you're going to have to clear up this rumor at school.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think it could, um, wait a couple days?

you leave me no choice. I'm going to phone your parents.

Why? Why? Because you told anybody who would listen that you and Carol...

Studied together!

What? Was I supposed to keep that a secret?

Jason, it's all right.

Hold on. Hold off. But he didn't do anything.

Trust me.

Bobby, Carol's waiting to finish your lesson in the living room.

Thanks for not calling my folks, Mr. Seaver.

I promise the first thing tomorrow I'm going to read Moby Dick cover to cover.

Hi. Hi.

You have a very strange family.

Oh, they seem pretty normal to me.

Okay, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

You were saying something about Romeo and Juliet, the movie?

Oh, yeah. I was going to ask you if you'd like... I'd love to.

I'm going to go and get ready. Why? You look incredible. I mean, um, what time

are you going to be picking me up?

An hour?

Fine. I may change, too.

Carol.

I think you're real neat.

Out,

out, damn spot.

Oh, so the guy had a dog.