Original subtitles

I'll tell you.

Joan Collins revealed.

We need the TV, Mike.

Kids see him in the middle of a show here.

Yeah, well, I've got a better show. Mom took all the old home movies and put

them on tape so we could see them.

Why?

Well, this ought to be fun.

Hurry up, Ben.

You're embarrassing me. What, you're not excited about seeing yourself in

diapers with drool running down your chest? All right, come on.

Okay, you can just look in the mirror to see that.

Oh, Mike was such a cute little baby. Yeah, all right, look, I have to go

Okay.

What's the matter? There's a full moon?

Look, I'm really sorry I'm going to miss out on all this family fun.

Gee, I do really love it, too. You know, when we pal around like this.

Mike,

your mother has gone to a lot of trouble putting these films on tape.

It's okay if he doesn't want to see them. Oh, he does.

Dad, are you suggesting that I shouldn't study?

Yes, I am, Mike. I think you're spending far too much time studying and too

little time staring blankly at the TV.

Dad!

Let's go.

Van, you just ate a full dinner.

This isn't for me. This is for my family, who I love.

Here we go.

Hey, who said the first type was me? This is Mike.

Oh.

Gee, Mike, you sure look like...

All right, and the least you can do is to put off my humiliation until he's

asleep. Well, this sure cuts into my fun. How about you, Maggie?

Yes, humiliating Mike was the one reason I had these movies transferred.

Yeah.

But if he'll stop making snide comments, then join in the fun by playing a

little background music.

Just so five years of piano lessons don't go down the drain.

Yeah, all right, all right. Look, now I know the family fun is going to kill me.

This is my day.

She's a maniac, maniac, I know.

And she's dancing like she's never danced before.

I'm not playing this while he's here.

Can you guys be a little bit mature and just let a tape play?

What is this?

Who is this?

I bet you forgot we even had these.

Hey, Dad, you never told us you had a brother who was a geek?

movies on tape.

It's okay if he doesn't want to see them. It's okay.

Oh, Maggie, I want to see my tape. Yes.

Hey, I know. Let's watch my tape. No, no. I'll be proud to show my tape. I'll

thrilled to show my tape.

Thank you, Mike.

Is this the far -out group you led in college?

That's us.

and Roll Talent Search. We were the state finalists from Rhode Island.

I still remember my dad's reaction when you came to pick me up in that costume.

He said you looked like a Viet Cong.

Well, he wasn't young and hip like we were. He was the same age you are now.

No. Yes. Really?

Really. No, he was pushing for... No.

It's like you're not even here.

Jason.

Honey, I was talking to you.

Sorry.

I think seeing yourself that young has made you feel a little old.

Old? In fact, I would guess that you were in that bathroom staring in the

mirror, probably looking for gray hairs.

Well, you couldn't be more wrong.

I'm hardly the kind of guy who... was looking for gray hairs.

I'm sorry. You're right. That's ridiculous. Of course you weren't

gray hairs.

I'm a young man.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

You've never been so sensitive about your age before.

And I'm not now either.

Even though, as you point out, I am the same age as your parents were when we

met, which is not even true because your dad was six months older.

Bye, Mom.

Ben, where are you going?

Glad you told your father that you were going to Stinky's.

But your father doesn't know that I wanted you to clean your room this

But, Mom, I promised Stinky he could see the tape of Dad looking funny.

No, absolutely not.

Then I don't get to see the pictures of Stinky's mom before she got fat.

Ben, go to your room and don't come out until it's clean.

Okay, I'll see you later, Mom. I'm going to go over to the schoolyard and shoot

some hoops, okay? Okay.

Hoops? Mike, wait.

No, my room's already clean, Mom. No. No, my clean clothes are in the drawer,

dirty clothes are in the hand. Mike, that's not what I want to talk about.

You mean I did all that for nothing?

Mike, I want to ask you a favor.

What? Well, you see, after watching all those old movies last night, well, your

father started feeling old.

Well, he is.

No, I mean old as in out of it, over the hill.

Yeah.

Michael, please. I want you to help me make your father feel a little younger.

Is that so hard for you to understand?

Now, Mom, how can he feel old when he's married to a young fox like you?

Michael, would you please play a little basketball with your dad and... Throw

the game?

Well... Take a dive. Yeah. And don't let him know about it. Right.

Hey, no problem.

I'm an old -handed phone dad.

Oh, Dad.

Such a nice boy.

Such a foxy young mother.

Hey, nice job, Dad.

What can I say? I'm good.

chance be letting me win, would you?

Letting you win?

Are you kidding? Why would I want to do that?

Well, for one thing, your mom doesn't like to admit when she's wrong.

Mom? Uh -huh.

And why would she think that you feel old?

I mean, she doesn't think you're old. I'm warning you, Mike.

Don't start patronizing your father, okay?

Because I can still keep up with you, you know.

Uh -huh.

Yes. Yeah, right, Dad.

Oh, really? Come on, take your best shot.

Come on, we'll see who's stuck and win at the end. this one, okay?

All right.

Come on.

None of that hot dog stuff either. That's what we were just doing. Real

real game.

Unless you're afraid to be humiliated, I'll understand.

You gonna try it for the girls' team this year, huh?

No, all right. Come on.

the top of the hook system.

Come on, Dan. Only 25 more points and you're right back in it.

Come on, Van Gage. See, the man's tired.

Oh.

What's the matter? Are you afraid I'm going to catch up?

I'm just getting my second win.

Hey, Dad, you all right? I slipped on something right there.

Oh.

What is it? I turned my ankle.

Look, I knew we played too long. No parents never listen. I'm fine, all

Just give me a minute. I'll walk it off.

Hey, look, Dad, I'm really bushed. I couldn't play another second, all right?

Okay. All right, great. I'm going to go over to the schoolyard and get in the

game, all right? See you later.

I think you're a radical player.

Yeah, well, I know how to play. Especially for a guy your age.

Don't worry, Dad.

I'll take care of you.

Hey, Ben, what are you doing?

We're supposed to have that out of the house by now. What do you want from me?

The man had to go to the bathroom.

Ben, where's your dad?

In the bathroom, I hope.

So, what do you think, Ben?

I think this is going to make him even more depressed.

Oh, no, Ben. Once he starts playing rock and roll, he's going to feel like this

again. That's good.

You bet.

Okay, now where do you want to stash this thing to the party? In the kitchen.

I'll have your father go out the front door. Okay.

I'll get it!

I'm Dave Sachs from Party Animal Party Rentals.

You're early.

That's our policy.

No. Yes, it is.

No, it's supposed to be a surprise for my dad. My dad is still here.

Bummer.

Let's go, Ben.

Well, maybe. I could... Come on, Ben. This was your idea to go to the zoo.

go. This is going to be great. I want to spend the whole day at the snake house.

Anybody else want to come?

No, I've got things to do.

Carol. Oh, no, darn it. You know how I love to see gods, creatures, and cages,

but I have to study.

Let's roll.

Um, no.

You have to go through the kitchen.

No. Carol, the kitchen floor is wet.

Well, so is the port, Carol.

Well,

apparently there's no way out, Ben. I guess we'll have to stay here.

What's going on here?

What's what, Dad?

What's the mess you're making?

This mess, as you call it, just happens to be my project for art class.

I call it, hold the onions or I'll kill you.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Seaver, you're good.

And the kid can paint.

Hello, test one, two, three. Louder, Carol.

Can you hold it down? We still have a lot to do. All right, Mom.

Drop, drop, drop.

Well, we have less than an hour left. Is everything ready?

Wallop.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna!

Carol, not you too.

Yeah, I don't know, Mom. If this doesn't cheer Dad up, I think you ought to

divorce him.

Of course it'll work.

He'll be seeing his old friends, his old band. It'll give him a whole new

outlook.

I'll get it. Uh, Carol, would you and Mike put up some more balloons?

Okay.

Hooray! Maggie!

How are you?

Wild and hot!

You look sensational.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well,

maybe just a little bit, huh?

Oh, wow.

Oh, the wild... Hot's never played in a place this classy before.

Kids, this is Rick. Rick, this is Carol and Mike.

Hi. Oh,

by

the

way, Maggie, the Wild Hots are going to sound a little thin tonight.

We don't have a keyboard man.

No, Warren said he'd be here.

Well, he's had a little coronary.

It's nothing serious. He'll be up and around in a week or so. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Mike can fill in on keyboard.

Hey, Mom, I don't know any of those old stupid fogies.

Classic.

If you know five chords, then you know two more than we do.

through with this, there's a good chance Dad's going to try to drown himself.

No, I don't think it's counted that bad.

Maggie, give me an answer.

I rest my case.

Okay, okay, Mike, you're right, but what am I supposed to do? I can't just throw

all these people out.

All right, all right, Mona, we can handle this.

I've got the kitchen on fire.

No, I like the kitchen.

All right, all right.

I want Deb's office. Oh, no, look, look, I'll handle this, okay?

Rick?

Rick?

Hey! Excuse me, everyone.

We've had a slight change of plans, and I just learned that Jason has been

called into the hospital on an emergency in another state.

I know.

I know I'm as disappointed as you are, but he won't be back for days.

Surprise!

What's with you people?

What is this?

Look at... Maggie, is this... Oh, boy, it's been years.

How are you?

Maggie, what's the occasion here?

Ladies and gentlemen, the founder of the Wild Hots, Jeremy...

I think it's going well. Do you think it's going well? I think it's going

Oh, this is great.

Where's Warren?

Oh, he had a... He had a heart attack.

A what?

He'll be fine.

He's 38 years old.

Yeah, well, I guess he's finally learned he can't keep up with the youngsters.

Excuse me, Jason. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Better make it quick.

Imagine that, a heart attack at 38.

Oh, honey, I had no idea when I planned this.

What about Rick's chrome dome?

A lot of men lose their hair early.

Yeah, if they handle nuclear waste in their shorts.

Honey, the last thing I wanted to do with this party was depress you. No, I'm

not depressed. Oh, you are, too. No, I'm not.

Seeing how these guys look now even depresses me.

Well, they do have a few miles on them, don't they?

A few miles?

the entire interstate highway system.

And at the same age I am.

Oh, honey, compared to them, you look like Ricky Schroeder.

Yes, yes, I do.

Younger than Ricky Schroeder.

And I'm the same age as these guys.

Not that that matters.

Jason, I've been trying for two weeks to tell you that you weren't home. Would I

listen? No.

Hey, dude, we knocked the rust off the edges and we're really cooking. We need

the jammer.

This song's for you. It's going to make you wild and hot.

One, two, three, four.

Just take those.

If I gave my heart to you,

I must be sure from the very

start that you would love

me. Jason, how long are you going to play your guitar?

Just a few more minutes, I promise.

If I trusted...

Maggie, I can't play in the dark.

Well, I can.