Original subtitles

I still think we should call first before we go all the way to Boston to

your folks. Jason, they just tell us not to come.

Oh, here, here, let me, I'll get those for you, Dad.

Carol, honey, we're almost ready.

Were you speaking to me? No one spoke to me when this trip was being planned.

Honey, we didn't know we were going until last night.

Carol, we're worried about Grandma and Grandpa.

Oh, Maggie, I think you're overreacting.

Then why did they call and cancel the trip at the last minute? And why did my

dad say everything was swell?

Uh, because it is.

No, Jason, my father doesn't use words like swell, good, or nice.

Certainly not when I'm in the room.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Well, you sure are excited about this van.

Are you kidding?

Grandpa's going to let me use this nightstick and his handcuffs and even

his badge.

Hey, maybe you'll get fingerprinted, too.

Wow!

Well, Dad, again, I just want to thank you for letting me stay home and earn

some extra money helping Mr. Sachs fertilize his lawn.

I'm sure that earning money will teach me a new respect for the dollar and help

me grow as a person.

Bet you'll be pretty good at spreading manure, too.

And I'm so sorry that I'm going to miss that sing -along around Grandma's piano.

Yeah.

Well, just remember, if you have any problems here, you call the Kuzmans next

door. And only one guest stays over tonight.

This is not fair.

No one thought that old Carol might have other plans.

No one in this entire house treated me like a real, living, breathing human

person. Carol, get in the car.

Oh,

and Mike, I know everything will be fine, because if it isn't...

you'll be grounded until you're 35.

That's it.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Dad.

See you tomorrow, Mike.

All right, have fun. Bye -bye.

I'm, uh, Ed and Kate's daughter, Maggie.

Good. Excuse us, please.

Oh, did you just walk in there like that?

Well, we should not stand out here in the cold waiting for some jerk to open

door. Who are they?

Mom, are these people the relatives you don't send Christmas cards to?

try and find Grandma and Grandpa.

How are you, folks? Come on in.

Oh, I see you brought your luggage.

Well, don't worry. We'll try to close this deal by nightfall.

The kiddies, too. This is so nice.

Cocktail Frank?

My name's not Frank.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I don't know you. I don't know him.

Harry Biddle. Great American Dream Realty Company.

This house is for sale?

Yes.

Oh, well, the sellers are never present for the showing.

Especially sellers who have put 30 years into a place. This would break their

heart.

I'm sure.

Well, honey, they haven't sold it yet.

You folks are interested in this house?

Deeply. Oh, well, then let me point out some of the fine features of this

timeless classic.

If you do, I'm going to cry.

Pardon?

Why are they selling?

You're not interested in hearing about the house?

I love this house.

I do my homework right by the fireplace waiting for my daddy to come home and

hang up his gun and give me a hug.

Why are they selling?

Oh, well, I can't really violate their confidence.

But I will say, retirement income, balloon payment, disaster.

It's all right. I'm her psychiatrist.

Oh, well, can I do anything?

Yes, you could just give us a moment alone, please. Thank you.

Come on, Maggie, sweetheart.

Come on, we'll look into this.

Selling this house has to be breaking their heart. I know. Why didn't they

to us for help?

Oh, my father's pride.

There's no way he could ask us for money knowing the way he feels about what you

do for a living.

What?

Forget I said that.

I mean, I knew he didn't care for me. I didn't think he hated my entire

profession. Oh, honey.

Not that he hates your profession. It's just that he doesn't know what it is.

Oh.

So now, after 17 years, I find this out? Now, what good would it have done to

let you know that he thinks you're a quack?

A quack?

Jason, can we talk about this later?

Now, I don't want this house sold until we get a chance to talk to Mom and Dad.

Sure, sure.

Genuine loft and plaster on real two -by -four studs.

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, Harry.

No problem. What you were saying over there confused me. Were the victims'

bodies found in this room or all through the house?

His

life

as it should be.

Mike!

Mike!

Let me do it. My cousin Gus works for Paradise Pizza. I can get us a discount.

All right. So, Mikey, what's the action?

Not much, not much. We're going to eat a little pizza, watch a little TV.

TV?

Mike, your folks ain't home.

This is like the chance of a lifetime and you want to watch TV?

It's already started.

Mike, what could be so important that... Wow.

So, like, when did you get cable?

This is great.

Gus doesn't let us have the pizzas for nothing. All right.

If he and a couple friends can stop by after work. How many? Because I don't

think we should have one.

You mentioned women.

All right.

Carol, why don't you and Ben go watch TV in Grandpa's den?

Great! Sure, it's great for you. You get to spend time with me.

Ben, don't you go touching any of your Grandpa's police stuff.

You know me.

Jason, we've got to help him.

I'm not so sure your dad wants our help.

Then again, what do I know? I'm just a licensed quack. Oh, Jason.

Daddy!

Ed, you almost shot Jason.

Not supposed to be here.

No one's supposed to be here.

Oh, Mom, how are you? It's so good to see you. I'm fine.

Oh, did you say you were coming and I forgot?

No, Mom, no.

Always a pleasure to see you.

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

So, what's this about selling the house? Uh, well,

we... thought we'd do this retirement thing right. Move into a smaller place

with less upkeep.

A condo.

Grandma! Grandpa!

Carol, honey!

Look how she's grown.

Where's Mikey?

Oh, well, Mike couldn't come.

Grandpa! Is that Benny? Yes.

Look out.

All right. Come out with your hands up.

Watch the door.

I'm going to rough him up.

But we're going to fix a little dinner. Come on, Ben.

Let your dad and granddad talk.

I don't think that'll be necessary. Come on, Ben. You can peel potatoes with the

other prisoners.

If you and Mom are having financial problems, we would be... No.

Things are swell.

They're fine.

Even good.

Dad, any money you need, Jason and I would be more than happy to help.

just in case you can't remember, little girl, I kept a roof over your head and

food on the table for over 18 years.

Until he came along anyway.

Daddy! Dammit, I can still take care of your mom and myself without your

charity. Ed, Ed, Ed, please.

There's no reason for you to turn down this offer just because of how you feel

about me.

Jason, let's not mention... No, no, no, no. Your dad should overcome his

feelings about me and save this house.

Why hurt your wife, your daughter, yourself, all in the name of some

pride?

Foolish?

Don't use your shrink talk on me!

The day I accept one dime of your money will be the day they bury me.

I think that went well, don't you?

Yeah, Jerry, listen.

Call Bruce Vinegar.

Tell him to party central to 15 Robin Hood Lane.

Yeah. Uh, excuse me. Slug is it?

I don't think we should invite any more people.

Well, what's it to you?

Didn't you hear? The bozo that lives here?

Parents are out of town.

Bozo? Hey, listen.

Remember me?

Linda McManus.

We had a karate class together.

Yeah, yeah, of course I remember you. You have got killer hands.

I mean, I didn't mean... I know what you mean.

Mike, come here.

Would you excuse me for just a second? Okay, but just a second.

Michael,

there are two guys out back throwing up and a guy upstairs shaving.

I mean, this has got to be the coolest party I've ever been to.

Shaving?

Mike, I need a couple bucks. Your mom's car ran out of gas.

Eddie, you can't take my mom's car.

I didn't. Frank did.

Who's Frank?

I thought you knew him.

No.

All right.

Gus's pizza mobile wouldn't start, right? So he calls Frank and says we'd

to pick up our own pizzas. And since they're free, could we make a couple

deliveries? In my mom's car?

What was Frank supposed to do? What was Frank?

What was Frank supposed to do?

All right, all right, all right.

Relax, baby. It's under control.

Now just give me a little gas money.

Jake, Dad, take the money. It's your home, too.

Well, your father's the boss. And on our wedding day, I promise to love, honor,

and obey.

Mom, Mom, Mom. Every modern woman knows obey is just a figure of speech. Maybe

that's why every modern woman seems to get divorced.

Kate, the kids are glued to the piano. They're waiting for one of your songs.

Oh, good. I just got the sheet music to Like a Virgin.

Actually, they're not glued. They're handcuffed.

Oh, Jason, I got nowhere with my mother. It's up to us. What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

I don't have the slightest idea.

Well, we can't let them lose their home.

Jason, all they need is $6 ,000.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we just offer your father money?

And you're giving up just because he said he'd rather be dead?

Forgive me. What was I thinking?

It's better.

Okay.

So what's your plan?

I don't have a plan.

Do you think it's wise to proceed without a plan?

We just heard this record.

That was great.

The band should be here any minute.

The party is completely out of control.

I know, man. Congratulations.

I've got to do something to stop it without everybody thinking I'm a wimp.

That's like it. I'd like to make a party yesterday.

Hey, bud.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I cut in?

years.

Hello, police?

Yeah, this is, um, Mr. Gandhi.

Yes, Bob Gandhi.

Yes, I am a very peace -loving man, and I am living on Robin Hood Lane.

Yes, it is normally a very peaceful street, but tonight there is a very,

loud party at number 15.

Yes, it is, I believe, the fever home.

It isn't very hard to believe, since they are such a loving, peaceful family.

Yes, and please be going easy on this evil boy called Mike.

He's a very, very spiritual boy, and none of this could possibly be his

Still busy.

I wonder who Mike will be talking to.

Mom, come and take your turn.

Yeah. Am I doing this right?

Is he in his den? Yeah.

Okay, Maggie, you're the one who wanted me to come up with a plan.

What are you going to do?

I have no idea.

Ed?

Come to make another generous offer, did you?

Ready with another gracious turndown?

No, I didn't come to offer you anything, Ed, except an apology.

Here.

I request it.

Well,

you know, I thought that maybe deep down I really did want to embarrass you a

little when I offered you that money. I admit that.

I'm sorry.

Sit down.

Grab a couple of glasses there. Okay.

Game of checkers?

Sure.

How are we going to get any ginger ale in these?

Ginger ale?

That's Irish, man.

No, you can't drink that straight.

Blasphemy! Oh, big talk.

Well, you just what?

A one -sip big deal.

Bet you can't drain that. Keep watching.

$100. You're on.

Well, well. Can't be that tough.

Double or nothing says I can do it.

You?

You're on.

I won again.

Well, you have to give me a chance to get even.

Ben Carroll? Go ribbon!

Where are the cops?

Where are the cops?

Let's shove all the furniture into the kitchen.

Um, Michael, tell your mother she should have her brakes checked.

Oh, brakes are still in the back seat, and for the record, he puked. Not me.

Pizza! Remove that.

All right, that's it.

Cops or no cops, this party is over.

It's like my life.

this is not cool i don't care i want all you people especially you slug just

double or nothing, starting at $100.

Right. So you owe me, then one goes to two, that's four, eight, 16, 32, $6

$6 ,400?

What?

That's what it comes to. I don't get it either.

Oh, sure you don't, Ed. No, no, nice job. You got me.

How did I do that? I only had three shots.

You never got all the way through one of yours.

The big Ed finally shows the overpaid psychiatrist just who's smarter.

I don't like to be taken, Ed.

I didn't take you.

I won that fair and square.

Well, I'm not paying.

The hell you're not. I want my money.

Well?

Jason, you're not leaving this house until I get my $6 ,400.

We get to keep our house and you get to keep your pride.

Hey, I told you I'd take care of you, didn't I?

Thank you, honey.

Hey, I just lost six grand and I may lose my lunch.

I knew you'd take care of me.

Thanks for your help, officer. I can handle it from here. You are very, very

welcome, Mr. Gandhi.

We came with Grandma and Grandpa. Oh, fine, fine.

Actually, your father was a hero this weekend. He saved a house.

Oh, really?

What a coincidence.

What?

Oh, you know, it's just nice to know that you guys are up there and I was

here. Hey, it's a wonderful world.

I thought your manure spreading job was over yesterday.