Original subtitles

The commander of the Confederate Army was

Bruce Lee.

Robert E. Lee, close.

The Civil War started in 1861 and lasted.

Far too long.

1865.

You are so cool.

You talking to me?

I'm the only one here.

Leave me alone. I'm trying to study, scuzzball.

Scuzzball.

Sorry, I thought you were Ben. I never call your scuzzball your face.

Mike, you said you were going to be cleaning up your room.

I did.

Nice. Is that music a little loud?

Oh, absolutely.

Dad, what are you doing? I'm trying to study here.

Oh, well, I surely don't want to interfere with a study method that has

you to the brink of failure this year, Mike.

But for the sake of the plaster on the living room ceiling, I'd like you to

study for the history test without any loud distractions.

I don't know, Dad. All that silence can really throw me off.

Oh, let's risk it.

Come on, just you and this book for one solid hour.

What's this? Are you pressuring me for a good grade?

No, I'm a realist, Mike.

I'm pressuring you for a passing grade.

Come on, you've been squeaking through American history all year with a 67.

68. Oh, pardon me.

Come on, look, with this exam, you have a chance to really improve on that.

Why don't you aim for the stars? 70.

75!

I get the feeling you don't think I know this stuff.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated... True.

Well, a very wise man once said, Mike, that those who do not know their history

are doomed to repeat it.

You mean like in summer school?

Exactly.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated While he was still alive

Show me that smile again

Ah, yeah, that must be it. You probably got him so fired up he's dizzy with a

thirst for knowledge.

Okay, just listen.

Mike?

Yeah? What are you doing?

Why?

I'm curious. Are you still studying?

Yeah, there's no way I'm going to flunk this test.

Jason, there's somebody in that room imitating Mike's voice.

Oh, very funny, Mom.

picnic for me either.

A general.

Just name any American general.

General Motors.

That's it. I'm going to bed.

Bed? Come on, how can you think of bed at a time like this?

Watching you wallow in your ignorance is too demoralizing.

Nice. Okay, well, if you're so good at it, how do you study?

I read the material once assigned, I underline the key phrases, I take

notes, and I quiz myself.

Underlining.

Hi. Hi, where have you been?

Oh, I was up late studying.

Do you have a test too?

No. See, Mike could learn something from her.

No, he couldn't.

I hate to eat and run.

Hey, you didn't even finish your egg. Well, what I ate was very filling. Oh,

come on. You don't have to give me that. You don't have to make up a story. If

you didn't like your breakfast, just say so. Jason. I can take it. Will I? Go

ahead, say it. It was yuck.

That's better.

Just kidding.

Bye -bye.

All of it or just the egg?

Those were eggs.

Okay, say good morning to God's gift to history.

who's ready for a big history test?

Ready? I'm not just ready, Dad. I've got it all. Names, dates, everything.

I think today will go down in history as the day Mike Seaver turns the corner.

February 20th, 1986.

It's February 25th.

Hey, Dad.

Hi, Ben.

This is breakfast?

Yeah.

What's for lunch?

Surprise.

That's my bag.

Why is that fading you shoes? Come on, give it. I need that.

Robert E. Lee Stonewall Jackson Appomattox Courthouse.

Yeah, yeah. They're my buddies. I had them sign them for good luck.

Do you know somebody named Appomattox Courthouse?

Yeah. A black guy. Captain of the basketball team.

I just kicked over a brick wall.

The one thing I know is that I don't know this.

Bone, my man, you worry too much.

At least I'll have you for company in summer school.

No, not this time. I got this thing. Hey, you mean to tell me you actually

studied this stuff?

Boner, boner, boner.

So young, so naive.

I've got cheat notes.

Eddie, you... Shh!

Come on, you say that too loud and people are going to get the wrong idea.

Where are they?

Look, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Here, search me. Here you go, full body strip search.

Uh, no thanks.

Teacher! Teacher!

All right, people.

I trust you're all sufficiently frightened.

If not, you should be.

Because this test will count for a quarter of your total grade.

A quarter?

Only yesterday he said 25%. This is multiple choice. You have 30

minutes, then your papers will be graded before you leave. You may begin.

The final noted battle of the Civil War was A, Battle of Bull Run, B, Battle of

Gettysburg, or C, Battle of the Network Stars.

Gettysburg.

The test results did surprise me.

For instance, it was interesting to learn from Mr. Stabone that General

first name was Lou.

I can't look. I can't look.

I've got to look.

67! All right!

And what is perhaps the biggest... shock in my teaching career since boys

started wearing earrings.

The highest grade in the class, 94, was earned by Mike

Seaver.

I am number one!

Mr.

Seaver, before we schedule a press conference,

I have to ask, how does a student whose very name has become synonymous with the

phrase D minus manage such a grade?

What can I say, Mr. DeWitt? When you got it, you got it.

Oh, and

now I see where you got it.

Are you actually calling me a cheater?

Mr. Seaver, don't try to fool Willie DeWitt.

The shoes.

Now. Mr. DeWitt. Yeah?

Have your parent, guardian, or parole officer call for an appointment.

You're turning it better.

He beat you?

No, he just took my shoes.

Oh, that stinks, Mike.

Yeah, real bad, too.

What really bothers me is that this guy thinks I cheated.

Boy, hard to imagine.

I mean, he wouldn't even take my word that I didn't.

You really are good.

What's that supposed to mean? I mean, here you are facing suspension and an F

history, and you're cool enough to play anything.

Look, I am innocent.

Ooh, and outrage, too.

Outrage is tough.

I can only work up to a small frenzy myself.

Look, I did not cheat.

No. And you didn't look at the answers on your shoes even once.

Look, I'm not cheating around.

You know, maybe he's got the Roomba.

Of course, Mike.

You would never cheat.

Look, I did not cheat, and I'm tired of you guys saying that I did.

Got it?

Five nights this week, the story that had all America reading will have all

America watching. At 18, she was a nun. At 21, an acrobat. At 37, the mistress

of a president.

Joan Collins is... Old.

Hi, Mike.

Hi.

What's the matter?

How do you know something's the matter?

Because she didn't say high fido, high gung fred, or high nervous.

So what is it?

Kel, I'm living a nightmare.

I mean, nobody believes me.

Not Boner, not Eddie, not Cheech, not Murray.

What are you talking about?

Mr. DeWitt accused me of cheating on my history exam.

You passed!

Yeah, I passed.

In fact, I got the highest grade in the class.

94.

Oh, oh, is this your way of saying you don't believe me either?

Stop. Oh, oh, fine. Don't believe me, skunk bread.

Fido, nerd face.

Mom, Dad.

How great to see you.

Is he talking to us?

I mean, just knowing that I can count on you guys makes me feel happy. Oh, the

giddiness is completely mutual, Mike.

Do you have a fever?

Say,

Meg, you don't suppose this has anything to do with his recent history test, do

you? You know, I am darn glad you brought that up.

I'd better sit down.

What happened?

Well, there's not too much to be said about the test itself.

Ah, say it anyway.

I passed.

Completely? Yeah.

All right, Mike.

Congratulations. I knew that that little extra studying would pay off. Oh,

thanks.

But I do have some bad news.

And I think you better sit down for this, Dad. Just say what it is, Mike.

I have a feeling you should sit.

Now, what I'm about to tell you is going to get both of you quite angry.

And you will be outraged at the shoddy treatment I have received from Mr.

DeWitt.

But I want your word that you're not going to go off half -cocked trying to

this guy fired or something.

I promise to be fully cocked, Mike.

Now, Mr.

DeWitt accused me of cheating.

Now, just calm down.

I did not cheat.

Now, why would Mr. DeWitt think that?

You know, I have been asking myself that same question all afternoon.

Well, what'd you come up with, Mike?

I don't know. I guess he didn't expect me to do that well on the test.

Well, he did well?

He did well.

How well?

I rarely pay attention to the grades.

Well, what'd you get, 70?

75.

Well... 80?

See, 85.

Actually... 94.

94? Why, Michael Saber, I'm ashamed of you.

How could you cheat?

I did not cheat.

Is this 94 out of 100?

I swear to you, I did not cheat.

I give you my word of honor.

Well, uh, I believe you.

Really?

Well,

if our son gives us his word, we've got to believe him.

You're right.

I believe you, Mike.

Oh, thanks.

I knew I could count on you guys. I'm sorry for every miserable thing I've

done to make your world a living hell.

And I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike, but it's a tough story to believe if you put

yourself in my shoes.

Mom's shoes aren't big enough for all the answers.

All right, the shoes.

Thanks, Benny.

I forgot to tell you guys the funniest part.

You guys are going to love this.

Benedict Arnold.

Get away.

Want some dinner?

No, I am no longer eating the food that has been paid for by the people who

think I'm a liar.

What are those?

Okay, so I'm easing into it.

What do you want, anyway?

Mike, I didn't mean to get you in such big trouble.

That's okay.

I knew the shoes would be too much for him.

It's been like that all day.

Everybody at school.

Even Boner. I mean, last year I actually convinced the man I was an alien.

And people are acting like they expect me to cheat.

Like I'm that kind of low stud ball.

I believe you.

What? Whatever you say, I believe it. Whether it's the truth or not.

You all tell me something weird.

That moment when Mom and Dad believed me.

Everything was okay.

My God, I actually care what they think about me.

I care what they think about me.

Well, you're nine. That's okay to feel that way at nine.

But I'm 15. I'm supposed to think my parents are scum.

Are you sure?

Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.

I believe you.

No, I've got my anger to keep me warm.

Could you share some with me?

Jason, I have something to tell you.

Now, I didn't want to tell you, but since you're feeling betrayed by Mike, I

figure you need some good news.

Hmm? You're not really Mike's father.

Well,

you know what I've been thinking?

That when Mike looked you in the eye and lied, it made you question your whole

approach to teaching our kids the value of truth and honesty.

And you're wondering if instead of encouraging them by example, a little

punishment might have been even more effective.

And you're probably remembering the time when Mike was eight and he lied about

finger -painting the new rug and I wanted to spank him, but you convinced

that reasoning with him was better.

How do you do that?

Oh, it's not all that amazing. I bet you know what I'm thinking right now.

Well, you're probably thinking that no matter how disappointed we both are in

Mike, that we love him dearly.

And that we'll do our best to mold him into an honest man.

And that even if we fail, he can always have a productive life in politics.

Mike, Mr. DeWitt will go a lot easier on you if you just admit what you did.

I don't care.

Well, we do.

Couldn't you at least pretend that you care what we think?

Sure, but nobody will believe me. Well, why should anyone?

Because I didn't.

Forget it. It doesn't matter.

Well, should we have believed you back in the seventh grade when you tried to

tell us that the D on your report card stood for darn good?

And what about in the eighth grade when you told the school your name was

Sieverman so you could take the Jewish holidays off?

Not just this week. Okay, okay.

Sometimes I lie.

But there's a big difference between being a liar and being a liar.

I mean, you guys should know when I'm telling the truth.

What kind of parents are you anyway?

Disappointed.

You want to know the truth?

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

Yeah, I was going to cheat. I figured it was the only way.

So I was up half the night copying all that stuff onto my shoes. Because I had

to pass the test.

But somehow it didn't just go on my shoes.

It got in my head, too.

Sure blew me away.

But when it came time to look for the answers, I didn't have to.

I knew him.

Well, I'd like to believe you, Mike.

Yeah.

Well, you have to admit, you're not exactly the kind of guy who has a

for knowing things, like Abraham Lincoln was the 17th president.

Yeah, he was the 16th president, Dad. Yeah, Grant was 17th. No, Grant was the

18th. See, Johnson was 17th. He became president after Lincoln was assassinated

on April 14th, 1865.

Dr. and Mr. Seaver, I'm Willis DeWitt.

Glad you could come. Why don't we get right down to business?

Absolutely.

Mike did not cheat on this examination, Mr. DeWitt, and it's important that we

clear that up.

And it would have been so easy for him to do, what with all the answers written

on the bottom of his shoes.

I want to thank you, Mr. DeWitt, for letting Mike take this make -up test.

No problem.

I think he's learned now that intending to cheat was just as bad as cheating

itself.

That's what my ex -wife said in court.

Shh. I'm trying to take a test.

What's on tonight?

Oh, it's the second night of that Joan Collins miniseries. That might be

interesting. Mm -hmm.

Tonight, Joan leaves the Pope to marry a bricklayer.

Mike will be sorry he's missing that one.

Where is Mike, anyway? I haven't seen him all evening. Well, he's upstairs

studying for his French test tomorrow.

You know, I really think we got through to him this time.