Original subtitles

Show me that smile again Don't waste another minute

on your crying We're nowhere near the end The best is that it

didn't begin

Well, in a nutshell, you told us not to. Mm -hmm. And if you did?

You'd hang us by our thumbs in the basement.

That's right.

Now get me the rope.

Dad,

I'm confident when you hear my story.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was wrong.

Dad, I tried to tell Ben to be quiet, but did he listen?

How's the paper coming, honey?

I agree completely.

But don't worry, you'll get it done. Now, how do you want your eggs?

I'm sorry, I think we're out of Tabasco.

I'll find some. I'll find some.

Here, take this. This will get you started, and I'll bring the rest out in

minute.

Mommy, it was an accident, I swear. Mike, this is your last warning. If we

you skateboarding in the house again, you lose your phone privileges, your

stereo, and your allowance for two months.

Mom!

Oh, hi,

Richie. Hi, Mrs. Seaver. Oh, no.

Richie, didn't you collect for the paper yesterday?

Oh, this isn't a professional visit, Mrs. Seaver. I'm here.

Richie, I told you to meet me at the library.

Well, I just thought...

I mean, in light of our new relationship and all.

Well, we could work here.

Relationship?

What do you got now, like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh? Kind of going steady?

Didn't she tell you?

Carol and I are married.

What?

It's a social studies project.

Yeah, we have to work out a budget for a married couple.

Simulated married couple.

Oh, come on, guys. I can feel the love in this room.

So what brought you two kids together, anyway?

Destiny.

Oh, and the fact that I paid off all the other guys in class so they wouldn't

pick you.

What?

Richie, you... You bought me?

Yeah.

Guess I'm just old -fashioned that way.

That's it. I am not doing this project with you. Now, out. If we don't turn the

paper in Monday, we get an F.

Oh.

I can see the headlines now.

Carol Seaver gets an F. Nation in shock.

President to fly back from Santa Barbara.

Mike.

Come on, Richie. Let's get this over with.

Ready when you are.

Dear.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Not another word.

Thanks, honey.

Just set it on the desk there, please.

Okay, sure.

Oh, listen, Jason, why don't you take a break? We could have a little... Oh, I

can't, honey. I really got to get this done.

Oh.

How about a short break and then we could talk? Maggie, no, I've really got

finish up here.

But don't you think a little conversation and... Maggie, what do you

talk about?

Who, me?

Oh, nothing.

Okay.

Gosh, look at this picture of the kids.

Mike must have been about eight years old. Wasn't he a cutie pie?

I believe the word his second grade teacher used was devil boy.

Oh, come on. He sent her a card in the hospital.

Yeah.

Oh, and look at Carol. She was always such a quick learner.

Yeah. That's why she's got alphabet soup up her nose.

Yeah, and little Benny was always such a happy baby.

Yeah. I remember the way he used to laugh every time he'd fill a diaper.

I was over at Ellen Harper's the other day, and I saw Jessica take her first

step. Uh -huh.

Oh, it was so exciting.

I would think so.

The girl's 17.

You're thinking of Marjorie. Marjorie, yeah. Anyway, Jason, you should have

it. Jessica stood up on her chubby little legs and took three chubby little

steps and then fell on her chubby little face.

Jason.

Do you ever think about having another child?

Oh, yes, I do, Maggie, yes. Sometimes I even dream about it.

You do?

Uh -huh.

And then I wake up screaming.

Maggie, I know what you're going through.

You do?

Yes, yes. It's a syndrome.

And it's very common among women your age who suddenly feel the urge to have

more baby.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, nothing except you've just gone back to work.

And we'd have to add a room onto the house.

Anyway, I thought we already had the family we wanted.

Oh, come on, Jason. Those are just rationalizations. But stop and think

a minute.

Can you give me one real reason why we shouldn't have another child?

Wait here.

Okay, next we have to go over the basic home expenses.

Water, heat, gas, electric.

Are you with me?

Till death do us part.

Hey, I haven't seen you crazy kids since you got back from the honeymoon.

Hey, Richard, do you have any trouble finding a hotel that would take pets?

No, it's all right, Carol.

I'll handle this.

Mike?

I'll have to ask you to take that back.

No, no, Richie, don't get me wrong. I mean, Carol's a great catch.

And as soon as she's clean, scaled, and deboned, she's coming.

And now I'm warning you, Mike, nobody talks to my simulated wife like that.

Simulated or not, I love her.

Oh, now, see what you done?

Honey, don't cry.

You know what? She's coming.

You crazy monk told you not to do that. What are you going to do, tell on me?

I'm kicking it around.

How are you going to prove it?

Oh, I don't think evidence will be such a problem.

Ben, Ben, Ben.

What can I say about it that hasn't already been said?

about to become a rich man.

Look, Ben, you've got to take the rap for me here. Now, you're a first -time

offender, Mom, and that'll only make you pay for the window, and I'll pay you

back for that.

That plus 30 bucks?

30 bucks?

Overhead.

Ben, I don't have that kind of money.

I'm sorry to hear that, Mike.

Hey, what's going on in there? Ben, you're my brother. I love you.

Hey, Mike, I'm going to cut you some slack here.

Because after all, money isn't that important, is it, Mike?

More important is what one you mean can do for another you mean.

Right, right.

That's why I'd like you to be my personal servant for the weekend.

Hey, what was that noise?

Hey, who did this? Is that a skateboard?

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

Mom, Dad, I know this is unbelievable, but I was fooling around on my

and the thing went flying.

You did this, Ben?

Well, sorry just isn't good enough, Ben. That's going to come out of your

allowance.

And if we ever catch you skateboarding in the house again, you're going to

discover the true meaning of the word sorry.

Well, I'd better clean up that broken glass.

All right, little bro, we handled that pretty well.

Freeze, please!

What? I believe we had a little arrangement.

Wait a minute, Penny. You didn't take that little joke about the servant

business seriously, did you?

Oh, Mom.

Pamper you silly.

I have my figures ready.

We're still way under budget.

Ricky, you've got zero dollars down for entertainment.

I kind of figured we'd have home entertainment.

How do you think we got 11 children?

11 children?

believe this. I mean, first you buy me and then you turn me into a baby

I thought that's what we both wanted.

That's it. I'll tell you what I want.

I want a separation.

We're dividing the budget into two separate households.

What about the kids?

You keep the kids.

We'll be hearing from my attorney.

God, she's cute when she's angry.

Your sandwich.

Oh, dear.

What do I see here?

It's just like you ordered. Three parts peanut butter, one part marshmallow, a

dollop of cream cheese topped with one and a half raisins.

Yes, but I still see a speck of crust.

You know my feelings about crust.

Okay, I'll cut it off.

A new sandwich?

I see salami and cheese and a tangy French mustard.

I ought to... Oh, Mom!

Okay, okay. Okay, okay what?

Okay, okay, Lord Ben.

Mind if I sit here a second?

Sure, fine.

Sit.

You know, I've been thinking.

Sure, fine.

Think.

About that summer home on Squam Lake.

You know, maybe we should hold off putting down that deposit.

Sure, fine.

Hold off.

Because if we stay home this summer, maybe we could add that new room onto

house. Sure, fine. Add a room.

I was thinking we'd need an addition because... I might be having a baby.

You're fine. Have a baby.

A baby?

Now, I'm not sure yet. The doctor has to call back at 2 o 'clock with the test

results. A baby?

Oh, Jason, I didn't tell you sooner because I knew you needed to concentrate

your article, but then I got so nervous waiting for the doctor's call. Maggie,

do you know what this means?

It means we're having a baby.

You mean you're glad?

Glad?

Maggie, glad doesn't begin to describe how I feel.

I feel really glad.

But, Jason, I thought you didn't want to have another child.

Well, that was before I got to know him.

Oh, honey, it's so weird that this should happen now. Just when I started

to work, I guess I'll... Well, I guess I'll just have to quit my job to be a

mommy. No, no, no. Don't you see? It's different this time, Maggie.

I'm already home. I'll be the mommy.

I guess that rules out breastfeeding.

No. Yeah.

But I can do everything else. I can bathe him. I can burp him. I can change

I'll guide his destiny.

This is my chance.

This is my chance to recapture all the things I missed with the other kids.

Like their crying all day long?

I'll wear earplugs.

Like tons of dirty diapers?

I'll wear nose plugs.

3 a .m. feedings?

Maggie, if you're going to have a negative attitude about this, it's a

thing I'm raising this kid.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it, have your own darn baby.

I could if I wanted to.

Baby, I want to have your baby.

Oh, Jason, that's sweet.

Oh, Carol, you've got to come back. I can't make it alone on my budget.

Hey, you've got just as much money as I do.

I've got all 11 kids.

We live in a shack. All we have to eat is fish food.

Richie, I think you're getting a little carried away here.

Hey, I think I'm entitled to get a little carried away for my $60.

What are you talking about?

Oh, that's what I had to pay to get you as a partner.

Oh, Richie, that's crazy. I mean, that's a lot of money.

Oh, money isn't everything, Carol.

I would have paid $600 for you if that's what it took.

That's the sweetest and most borderline psychotic thing anyone's ever said to

me.

Hey,

it's just the kind of guy I am.

But I guess that's not good enough for you.

Look, Richie.

Maybe we can arrange a simulated trial reconciliation.

Until Monday.

Ah, Carol.

Welcome home.

What do I tell the kids?

Your Rambo doll clothes are ready, I hope.

here looks terrible how's the man supposed to defend our country in

pants

Jennifer! Hi!

Jennifer?

I said no personal calls.

Ben, that was Wonder Buns.

window. You only know, Dad, you're blackmailing, you little gangster.

That's going to ground you. That's going to ground you and spank you.

Hold it right there, you two.

You boys look so cute, I've got to take a picture.

Yeah. Hey, remember when you guys were just little babies, how we used to play

patty cake?

Yeah. That was big time fun.

What do you say we play a quick game right now?

If I were you, I'd get in on this.

Howdy cake, howdy cake, baker's man.

Bake me a cake, yes, yes.

Old boys, you're both grounded until further notice, okay?

finish your paper today?

No, not my paper. I couldn't concentrate on my paper. I have a list of baby

names. Oh.

It's my first choice. This is distinctive. It's commanding.

It's noble.

It's Julius.

Julius Seaver?

Not bad, huh?

I got plenty more just in case. Just in case of what?

Well, just in case he turned out to be a comedian.

Sid Seaver?

everyday kid?

Beaver, Seaver.

Jason, what if he's a girl?

Uh -oh. I better get back to work.

Jason, I was thinking that if it's a girl that we could name her Rebecca.

Rebecca, Seaver. That's pretty. I like that.

I hope she looks just like you.

Oh, me too.

Because she'd look kind of silly with a hairy chest.

Oh, don't answer it.

We've both got to be on the phone at the same time.

I'll get the phone in the living room. Hold on. Okay, hurry.

Hello?

Yes, doctor.

Uh -huh.

I see.

Yes.

Well, thank you for calling, doctor.

I guess it's all for the best. I mean, I wasn't really ready to go through all

that again, and it wouldn't have been fair to ask you to take so much time

from your practice. I mean, I guess... I guess it just isn't the time.

You really wanted to have a baby, didn't you?

Yeah, I guess I did.

Well, I did, too.

I guess we could look at this as good news and bad news.

Bad news is that we're not going to have a baby right now.

And the good news is that we can keep trying to have a baby.

Even if it takes weeks.

Or months.

Yes, the important thing is that we keep at it.

Well, I'm willing to do my part.

All right, the party's over. Let's get to work.

Very

impressive,

honey. I might even go so far as to say that your paper is brilliant.

Oh, go so far. Say it.

What do you say we celebrate over dinner?

Oh, good idea.

Yes, your momness. Yes, your dadness.

We'll have two club sandwiches, just a hint of mayo on whole wheat toast.

Oh, and hold the crust.

You know how we feel about crust.