Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The wind that is ready to begin.

Look, Jennifer, it's not that I don't want to go with you Saturday. It's just

that I've got this prior commitment.

Uh, I'm donating a kidney.

Uh, look, but don't tell anybody.

Well, because then everybody will want one.

Look, if the deal falls through, I'll let you know.

Okay. All right, bye -bye.

You turned down a date with Jennifer Miller?

Jennifer Wonderbuns Miller?

My attraction to women is not entirely based on physical beauty.

Yeah, they gotta be stupid, too.

Mike, I thought you liked Jennifer.

Yeah, but she wants me to do something I'd never do in a million years.

What? Read a book?

No, worse.

She wants me to go to her sister's wedding and go ballroom dancing.

As God is our witness, I can't make our baby do this.

Okay, fine, fine. You guys go ahead and laugh, but Michael Seaver's not going to

make a fool of himself in front of 200 people.

Yeah, you're used to a much bigger crowd.

Mike, there are advantages to ballroom dancing. You know, you actually get to

touch your partner hand to hand, cheek to cheek, everything else to everything

else. Oh, jeez.

And if you're a real cool guy, then you learn all the moves, Mike.

Well, the right guy and the right moves can absolutely make the right woman...

melt.

There are more moves, but they require a motel room.

No, not so.

Observe... the French dip.

There are more moves, but they require a grave.

Yeah, Jennifer, Mike.

Look, the deal fell through.

I don't know. Apparently there's a real glut on the world kidney market.

Yeah, so, um, we're on for the wedding.

Yeah, and I'll bring the gravy.

Never mind. It's a dancing tour.

Yeah, okay.

Bye -bye.

All right, Mike.

All right, Dad.

You know, I'm going to make her melt. I have never seen Wonder Buns melt before.

Wait a minute. I don't even know how to dance.

Oh, that's all right. No problem. Come on over here. Give it a try.

Not with me.

What's she trying to do? Is she trying to glide?

That's it. I've had it. Man can only take so much.

Something wrong, Ben?

The new coach and the stupid son of Rodney. The kid tripped me three times

with the stick.

practice, that kid is going to be sucking the pot.

Now, I don't want to hear that, Ben. If you have a problem with one of your

teammates, fighting is not the answer.

Ben, what are you doing?

Pumping milk.

Hey, work for Schwarzenegger.

Now, wait a minute. Did you try telling the coach that Rodney tripped you?

The coach saw the whole thing.

Now, come on. You mean to tell me that the coach actually told Rodney to play

dirty? He tells all the kids to play dirty.

That's why he hates me.

It's common knowledge. I'm a finesse player.

Well, that's it, Ben.

I was afraid this hockey thing was going to be too rough.

Jason, I think you should quit the team.

No, Maggie, that's not fair to Ben. Just because the coach is out of line, you

can't make him quit.

I'll go down to the next practice, I'll meet the guy, and we'll talk it all

over. If that's okay with you, Ben.

Yeah, thank you.

and while you keep the coach busy talking, I'll go and skate over Rodney's

Come on, girls.

This is hockey, not a square dance.

I want to see some contact out there.

Remember, just because you're wearing skates doesn't mean you can't kick.

I'm Jason Siebert. Coach Brockton. How are you? That's my boy Ben out there,

number seven.

Yeah, he could use another 40 pounds.

Well, no problem. I'll get him started on steroids right away. Good.

I like to see the parents get involved.

Kelly! Kelly!

You should have passed off. That's going to cost you. Sure. Make him skate a few

extra laps after practice, huh?

Do you have change for five, coach?

What are you talking about, change? You missed the open man. That is fine.

Take a lap.

You're finding these kids?

Hey, that is not a first -time offender.

Too bad they outlawed the death penalty.

Yeah.

Carmelo, you call that a check? My wife hit harder on our honeymoon.

Could you marry Wayne Gretzky?

You're calling me a homosexual?

Oh, but I do think your coaching methods are a little offensive.

Hey, I never had a losing season, buddy.

Well, congratulations, buddy.

But I think what's important for these kids is they learn something. They have

little fun.

Not win, win, win at all costs.

That's how we lost Vietnam.

You're a wimp, Siva. Oh, really?

Well, you know what you are.

Yeah? You're taking a lot of sublimated anger and you're displacing it on these

kids.

You sound like you've been to one of them wussy shrinks.

I am one of them wussy shrinks.

I mean, I'm a psychiatrist.

And just because you're a little self -absorbed and narrow -minded... Hey, who

are you calling self -absorbent? You better be ready to back that up, pal.

your hands off me, okay?

Hey, I'm down.

Ben, that's not the way mature people deal with... I'm mature enough.

One,

two, three, right. One, two, three.

Mike, that's the fifth time in the last half hour.

Hey, I'm getting better.

Good. Then let's call it a night. I've got an article to finish.

Come on, Mom. The wedding's tomorrow night. I need to practice.

Honey, you're doing fine.

Besides, I've got to change the bandages on my feet.

Come on. I barely broke the skin.

You know,

and wonder, what's more beautiful?

The glimmering stars on a clear night or this face?

I get it. I'm not dancing with you.

Come on, Carol. I'm not going to step on your feet.

You stepped all over Mom's.

Carol, the woman has huge feet.

And just between you and me, Mom can't dance.

You're such a jerk.

You're right. I am.

No, no, no, no. Really, I am.

And that's why I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a sister who's not

sister, but, well, a saint.

That's why I think I'll call you Saint Sister Carol.

No, no.

Sister Saint Carol. No, I got it.

Carol Saint Sister. Because after all, Carol, you are... Oh, right, right.

I'd rather lose a foot than listen to this.

Glide two, three.

Glide two, three. Glide two, three. Hey, this is sort of neat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Carol, what are you doing?

Dancing. Carol, this is not interpretive dancing.

This is ballroom dancing. The man is supposed to lead.

The woman is supposed to be limp, okay?

Whatever you say.

Okay, let's try it again.

And glide two, three. Oh, come on, Carol. This isn't limp. That's...

It's dead.

Just following your lead.

Try it again.

Glide to... Hey, Mike, you're doing better.

Glide...

Well, I guess you could say Coach Brockton and I had a brief but

exchange of ideas.

And fists.

Dad whooped him good.

All right, Dad.

Jason, you mean you actually got in a fight with the coach?

Well, he took a swing at me, Maggie. I had to defend myself.

Well, I better get some eyes for that eye.

Mike, you should have seen it. Fell, bang, boom.

Brockton never had a chance.

And we're here at ringside with Jason.

The animal's fever. And along with us at ringside is the animal's manager,

Benjamin Bugsy -Sever. Tell us, Bugsy, how did you get the chance blood

for today's ballot?

I showed him his oldest son's report card.

Well, animal, what's next?

Well, I want Holmes, and then I want Norton, and then I want... And then I'm

going to retire to pursue psychiatry full -time.

Jason, you're going to make the kids think fighting is a good thing.

You're right.

I'll talk to them.

Boys, what I did today was reprehensible.

Fighting is not the best way to solve your problems.

I want that to be clear.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I just don't think I should have to spend another 24 hours making excuses

what... Happened yesterday.

You can't, because there is no excuse.

You fought like a barbarian, and then you gloated like a child.

You're a baby barbarian.

Oh, I see. So you're saying by that one incident, I'm turning our son into

another Rambo?

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Oh, my God.

Come on, Ben.

Sit down. Tell us exactly what happened.

Right. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my Salisbury steak, mashed

potatoes, and something that looked like either broccoli or astroturf.

Ben, the fight.

Yeah, that's when Rodney Brockton walked over and pulled me out of my chair.

Rodney Brockton.

Yeah, I said, Rodney, I don't know what makes me sicker, you or...

would have done.

I gave him a knuckle sandwich.

Well, Animal, are you proud of yourself?

No, Maggie, I'm not proud.

Ben, uh, is Rodney okay?

Yeah, Miss Finkel came and broke it up.

But tomorrow at high noon we meet under the monkey bars and only one of us makes

it to the fourth grade.

Well, I've had enough of it.

I'm going down to talk to Brockton myself.

No, no, Maggie, I started this whole thing, so I guess it's time that I

Ben how a real man fights his battles.

All right, Dad!

Come on, Ben.

Now, let's say you're mixing it up in the corner. The ref isn't looking.

What do you do?

Rodney, demonstrate.

Okay, Dad.

Perfect. Now, in a game, you make sure you follow that up with a punch, huh?

Excuse me, coach, but isn't this illegal?

This is hockey, kid. You want legal? Go to law school.

Okay,

so who makes the first move? I do. You just follow my lead. Gotcha.

Dad, look who's here.

What are you doing here, Siva? Your kid was cut from the team.

Well, Coach, I'd like to talk to you. I know I said some pretty insulting things

the other day, and today there's something else I'd like to say.

Might I suggest drop dead chicken lips?

Ben, let me handle this.

Mr. Brockton, I'm sorry.

I came to apologize.

No way, Thiever. I owe you one.

Come on.

Come on.

Look, I didn't come here to fight.

I didn't mean to say or do anything to offend you. You said I was married to

Wayne Gretzky. Now, I'm not going to take that thing.

I didn't mean to say seriously that you were married to Wayne Gretzky. Oh, so

you're saying we lived in sin? I didn't mean to imply that you had any

relationship whatsoever. Oh, I get it. So now Wayne is too good for me, huh?

I'm not talking about... Look, if you're just... Look, if you just want another

excuse to fight... I don't need any excuses. Come on.

How come you're... isn't rolling up his sleeves. Once he starts flexing all his

muscles, his shirt pops off by itself.

It's rematch time, Siva. Now, you want me to start it? I'll start it. Okay, you

want to hit me? Go ahead. Fine, hit me. I'm not worried about me. I'm not

worried about you. It's these kids.

If we can't teach our children that fighting is not the answer, then we have

failed.

As parents and as human beings.

So come on, you can hit me.

Or you can shake my hand.

Choice is yours.

Siva.

Nell built him down.

Yeah, that's right, wuss. Come on, show the kid what you really made out of him.

Come on, Ben, we're going home.

What?

Move on. Jennifer's going to be here in ten minutes.

Oh, my God. I still have to shower.

And shave.

Gee, it's another month already?

And glide two, three. Glide two, three. Glide two, three. Glide two, three.

Oh, my God. I've got to sit.

And what happened?

Well, Coach Brockton called me a wimp, and then he punched me as hard as he

could in the stomach.

Now comes the rough part of the evening.

Ben, Ben, milk is not the answer.

I can't believe you chickened out today.

Now, hold on right there.

A lot of kids would get spanked for that.

Oh, sure. Hit me.

Okay. Hey, I was just trying to make a point. Yeah.

So you think I should have fought with Coach Brockton today, huh?

He slugged you, Dad.

Yeah, and because he's slugged me, I guess I should have slugged him right

You gotta admit, there's a certain logic to it.

Ben, do you remember how this whole thing got started?

Rodney tripped me.

Rodney tripped you, and that's why I went down to talk to the coach, and we

ended up punching each other up.

Now, did that solve anything?

to watch.

Yeah, and because I fought with the coach the very next day, you and Rodney

it out.

Did that solve anything?

No, that's why we went down there today.

Okay, so suppose I had punched him back.

Would that have solved anything?

Yeah, because he would have had two broken arms, two broken legs, a fat lip,

he wouldn't be coaching anymore.

No, he wouldn't be coaching anymore.

But he'd go out and he'd get one of those electric wheelchairs and he'd show

on our front lawn with a shotgun.

Who can play that game, Dad?

Ben, we don't have an electric wheelchair.

No, but we can get a machine gun and blow Mr.

Brockton away like in Rambo.

Okay, all right, all right.

Let's say we do that.

All right, we won!

I think you've won.

And then you're back at home, and you're taking a shower, and you're getting

ready for bed, and suddenly along comes Mrs.

Brockton. Into our shower?

No, into our living room. And she brings her own machine gun.

And she wipes out Mom and Carol.

Oh.

And then what do we do?

Well, for one thing, we cook for ourselves.

Oh, come on, Ben. Don't you want to get even?

We trade in the Volvo and get a tank.

Yeah. That's good. Good, Ben.

And then I hop into that tank and I motor over to the Brockthams and I blow

all away.

Oh, right.

But wait, Ben.

They booby -trapped the front lawn.

I'm sorry to hear that, Dallas. Yeah.

So just as I'm pulling away, that tank and your father get blown to

Oh, my gosh.

Hmm.

So you see what I'm getting at?

Yeah. I've been left alone with Mike.

No, no, because while you were brushing your teeth, Rodney's cousins came and

took care of Mike.

They got Mike, too?

So I'm all alone.

Weird, isn't it?

Just a few days ago, you had a family, a husband.

your subscriptions to Boys Life magazine and a few faded memories.

But hey, it was worth it, wasn't it?

Because we didn't chicken out.

No, sir, we fought back.

Do you remember how this got started again?

Rodney tripped me.

Oh, yes, Rodney.

Well, we won't have him to worry about anymore.

Guess we found a pretty good way to solve your problem.

No, we didn't, Dad. It was a stupid way.

I need another drink. Want one?

Sure, set them up.

So I guess you really didn't chicken out today, huh?

No, I didn't chicken out, Ben.

I just feel that most of the time, fighting is not the answer.

And that whenever possible, we really must try to find a better way.

I'll drink to that.

You know what, Dad?

What, Ben?

I'm glad you didn't get blown to Connecticut.

So am I.

How you doing, guys?

Pretty good, Mom.

Ah, that must be Jennifer.

Poor girl.

She's no idea what Mike's going to do to her feet tonight.

Jennifer, what a neat dress.

Come on in, babe.

You look pretty.

Very nice.

Jennifer.

Mike, you look so handsome.

Yeah, just like that waiter at the fish restaurant.

Mike, I got terrible news.

The wedding's off.

What?

My sister caught the groom in the confessional with her maid of honor. She

the whole thing off.

I've been through? How could she do this to me?

We call him Mr.

Sensitivity.

Jennifer, we can't let this happen. I want you to go over here and call your

sister right now and talk some sense into that girl before she throws her

away. Mike, it's no use. It's all over.

I'm just asking you to call her. I can't do that.

Well, hey, maybe she can marry somebody else.

Mike! Okay, okay, fine.

Okay, come here.

What? Just come here.

Like, I'm really not in the mood for this.

Somebody give me the phone.

Maggie, I think we might have created a monster.

You're looking good out there, Ben. I feel like a new man since Coach Brockton

got the boot.

Uh -oh. Here comes the coach. It's five laps. We're talking with the fans.

All

right.

Come on, you guys.

Let's get together here. First game score. Let's go.