Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is ready to begin.

Oh, as long as we got each other.

We can take anything that comes our way.

Here

she

comes.

Have you finished moving your science project, Carol?

You bet.

Oh, we're sorry, sweetheart, but we needed the guest room.

So you throw my volcano out on the street?

That's wrong, Mom.

I say we keep the volcano. Just throw Carol out on the street.

Carol, we're all sorry. It's just that Jeff's law school interview got moved up

a week. These things happen.

Yeah, well, I've cleaned it up as best I could.

He finds me in his bed, he can sue me.

Boy, Jeff must be 23 by now.

And I don't think we've seen him since Fred and Doris moved to Ohio. What,

six years ago? Yeah.

I hope they've resolved that situation with his teeth.

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember this guy.

Hi. Oh, my God.

Can it, you guys. Now, Jeff's a nice boy, and while he's in our house, I

you to treat him like one of the family.

Treat him like a human being.

No, please, don't get up. I'd rather enjoy doing all the work in the house.

Carol, be nice.

Oh, come on, Dad. When have you ever known me not to be... nice?

Carol?

Boy, somebody's really grown up.

Somebody's really been to an orthodontist.

Well, after I graduated, I decided to do some traveling in South America.

Oh, give us the highlights.

Well, I went to Carnival in Rio, then I did some rock climbing in the Andes, and

then I got dysentery in Bogota.

That sounds fascinating.

You've obviously never had dysentery.

So tell us about Brazil, Jeff. I've always wanted to go there. Oh, it's

spectacular. The people, the history, the... culture. I hear they got a lot of

nude beaches there.

Mike!

He's so immature.

Nude beaches aren't so great, Mike.

Yeah, where are you supposed to keep your keys?

You can hang them on your... I just wanted to say ear.

Okay, okay, we're ready for a little trivial pursuit.

Great. What are the teams?

Hey, I'm not getting stuck with Ben again.

I mean, when he doesn't know the answer, he gets huffy. I do not!

Okay, Ben, I'll be on your team.

Oh, great.

Now I have to carry Dad again.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Jeff's our guest. He should get to pick.

Yeah, Jeff, you pick.

Okay, one question.

Who wrote Gulliver's Travels? What's the chemical formula for sulfuric acid? And

where's Tierra del Fuego?

Jonathan Swift, H2SO4, the southernmost tip of Argentina.

There's my partner.

What's so funny?

Oh, I was just thinking about Carol and Jeff last night.

She has such a crush on him. No.

Well, I remember Miss White, my seventh grade biology teacher.

Wow.

Of course, that was more of a relationship than a crush.

Uh -huh, and I bet every boy in your class had the same relationship.

Oh, I was different.

I was the only guy allowed to clean out the hamster cage.

Ooh, sounds pretty torrid.

It was in her apartment.

Well, it's on that road map. Now I really have to visit Aunt Vera.

Aunt Vera's the one who's always dreaming up those fatal diseases?

Mm -hmm. You name it, she's almost died from it.

And now for the Huntington Huskies, Huskies, Huskies. It's number 68 in your

program, gram, gram, and number one in your heart. It's hard.

It's Ben, the Sandman Seaver!

Sandman, all of America wants to know, why do they call you the Sandman?

when I hit him, I put him to sleep.

What position do you play, Ben?

Defensive tackle.

Whoa, one of the big boys, huh? What do you take the scales at, 280, 285?

73 and a half.

Today he goes against the biggest offensive lineman in the league.

Yeah, Jumbo Jimbo Luzetsky, 4 '6", 81 pounds.

They say he can eat a whole cheeseburger in one sitting.

Hey, last chance, Jeff.

You sure you don't want to join us for some peewee football?

Yeah, and you don't even have to watch the game.

Most guys just watch the peewee up.

I really love you guys, but I promised my Aunt Vera I'd stop by so she could do

this for a half an hour. Oh, Jeffy, I'll be dancing.

Why don't you call more?

Hey, if she's dead when you get there, why don't you just go on by the gate?

Mike. Just kidding.

Well, we're about ready. Where's Carol? You want me to get it for you, Mom?

Yo, rhino breath!

Thank you, Mike.

Mike, you are such a... Oh, hi, Jeff.

Hi. Oh, Carol, you ready to go to the gate?

Oh, um, I've got to watch my banana bread cool.

Well, Carol, I'm no physicist, but I think it can manage without you.

I can't abandon it now, Dad.

I've been with this bread since it was dough.

I'm going to visit a relative, and I'm going to meet a friend in the city for

dinner and a show.

Oh, what are you going to say?

The new Gershwin review.

Oh, I just love Gershwin.

His music is so musical.

Hello?

No, there's no spud brain here.

Oh, Carol, I think that's for me.

to do with these two tickets.

Fine. Yeah, great.

Good talking to you too, spud brain. Bye.

Kara.

Yeah, Jeff? What are you doing tonight?

Um, eating banana bread.

Darn. Shoot, heck, I was hoping you weren't busy.

I can get out of it.

Would you like to see the Gershwin review tonight?

at your place? You know where I live?

Let's see. Second door from the bathroom.

Right. That's it.

Someday he'll come along.

The man I love.

And he'll be going to NYU Law School in the fall.

And oh, wait.

He has another tackle for Ben, the meat cleaver steaver.

Are you guys hungry? Not me. I had

jumbo Jim for lunch.

All right, somebody get this kid a cheeseburger.

A whole one? Yeah, and make it raw.

Hey,

I hate to sound like a mother here, but you guys won't be happy until you've

broken something, will you?

No, no.

And hit the showers.

I've got a bad punting practice within the living room. Ah!

Chocolate, too.

So, have you heard what your daughter has planned for tonight?

About cross -indexing her National Geographics again.

No, she's going to dinner and the theater in the city.

With Jeff.

Oh, that sounds a lot like a date.

I'm afraid that's what Carol thinks.

Oh.

and Jeff just thinks he's taking his little friend Carol out to see a show.

got it.

Well, we shouldn't be too protective and tell her she can't go. She'll be

crushed. Yeah, but if we let her go, and then she finds out she's taking it all

wrong, she'll be crushed.

Well, at least she'll get to see a good show first.

Well, Maggie, maybe Carol isn't quite as carried away as we think. I'm sure on

some level she realizes Jeff's an adult and she's still a child.

Uh -huh.

It's always like that on a helmet night.

Thank you.

She's very pretty.

She's okay.

If she's only okay, I'd like to see her idea of great.

I looked on everything. She looks a little dopey to me.

So your ideal woman should be intelligent?

Yeah, I like an intellectual woman.

But she should be romantic, too.

But not take herself too seriously.

Like that.

What else?

Wait a minute.

You have somebody specific in mind, don't you?

Yes.

I thought you were in London. Oh, yes. Well, I got in a fight with my acting

coach. He insisted I play Lady Macbeth in a tank top.

Hey, I'd go.

I'm sorry, Leslie, this is... Carol.

Carol Seaver. Carol, this is Leslie Berenson.

Carol's an old family friend. She's like a little sister I never had.

Oh, that's sweet.

What grade are you in in school, Carol?

Ninth.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Show? Oh,

the show was great.

Well, good night.

Carol?

Yeah, Dad?

Where's Jeff?

not wanting to print that last 50 yards.

Right. Well, nighty -night.

Carol?

Uh, I think I can explain.

Well, I guess that's it.

Hey, kids, why don't you help Jeff get his bags in the car?

Okay, I get the big one.

No one wants the big one.

Okay, but only because you're my brother and I love you.

Works every time.

Be sure to say goodbye to Carol for me. I really feel terrible about last night.

Oh, Jeff, how many times do we have to tell you it's not your fault?

Carol gets a little carried away, but she's resilient.

She gets hurt, she bounces right back.

That's bouncy.

Oh, Jeffrey.

I'm so glad I caught you before you left.

I'd like you to meet Richard, my significant other.

Pleasure to meet you, Richard.

Significant other what?

Richie's been out of town. He just flew in from Paris.

Oh? Now, what were you doing in Paris, Richie?

Uh...

I was on business.

What do you do, Richie?

He's our paper boy.

Well, that's some route.

Well, au revoir, Jeff.

Do come back and visit soon.

Richie and I will be upstairs. We have so much catching up to do.

We're so this way.

Oh.

Oh, this is incredible.

Oh, I mean, I come here to collect for the paper.

And I find romance.

Then they say it comes when you least expect it.

second floor.

There's a ledge and a drainpipe. Use your imagination.

Now out.

All right, I'm going.

Wait.

Is this a test of my love for you?

Sure.

Where's Richie?

Oh, I threw him out.

Out where?

Out there.

Don't worry, he climbs like a squirrel.

Well, sounds like you two have a pretty stormy relationship.

Oh, come off it, Dad. You know Richie and I don't have a relationship.

I just pretended he was my boyfriend so I could get back at Jeff.

Oh, sweetheart.

Jeff, my...

No, Carol, Jeff does not think you're a doofus.

He thinks you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman who just happens

little too young for him.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, Carol, that's what he said. He feels terrible about the whole thing.

Everybody acts a little crazy sometimes, you know. That doesn't mean you're a

jerk. It just means you follow your heart.

That's right, honey.

In fact, your father...

Made a major bozo of himself over his seventh grade biology teacher.

Well, what'd you do?

I didn't do anything. Oh, come on.

Well, uh, mine's a little embarrassing.

I kidnapped her hamsters and threatened to flush them if she married Mr.

Sprinkleman, the shop teacher.

You didn't do that.

You didn't really do that.

I really did.

And I put a bag over my head and I stood outside her window and sang, that's

what you get for loving me.

You must have looked like a real doofus.

It happens to be one of my best numbers.

Well, I'm sure your mother's not exactly an innocent in the doofus for love

department.

Yeah? What have you done?

Oh, well, honey, I've done so many.

Silly things, I couldn't possibly list them all.

Well, come on, just pick one.

Yeah, the silliest.

Well, okay, okay, let's see.

Okay. Okay, once.

Once I wrote a note that said, I think you're cute to a boy I

didn't even know.

thing you ever did?

Your mother's a pretty zany lady, Karen.

So I guess you're trying to tell me this problem is genetic.

Mom? Yes, sweetheart?

Did Jeff really say that he thinks that I'm beautiful and intelligent?

Mm -hmm.

He really said that.

And I think he'd appreciate it if you went downstairs and said goodbye to him.

Still here?

Said he'd wait for you.

Yeah?

Did he say how long?

I really appreciate you coming down to say goodbye with Richie coming in from

Paris and all.

Yeah, well, Richie and I have an understanding.

He lets me say goodbye to other men.

Look, Carol, if I hurt you in any way, I'm really sorry.

Don't worry about it. I mean, we had some good times.

What more can ask from life?

Well, if it makes any difference, if we were both 14, I'd be one lovesick puppy.

Really?

Really.

Imagine how fun it would be if we were both 23.

Well, maybe when I'm 23 and you're 32.

Or when you're 32 and I'm 41.

I'm not going to be wanting to date any old geezers in the prime of my life.

What if I'm a rich old geezer?

We'll talk.

You know, you're very special, Carol.

Pretty soon you're going to bump into some lucky guy your own age who's going

find that out.

Bye, Carol.

Bye. But brain.

Richie!

Well, guess I should be going, huh?

No, Richie.

I'm sorry I was so rude to you.

I hope you can forgive me.

Oh, that's okay.

This was the best day of my life.

You're sweet.

Thanks for everything.

Sure.

You know, I couldn't help but overhear what Jeff was saying about some lucky

your own age.

I just thought since I am 14... Go!

Men.

until something gets broken, will you?

All right, time out. I'm sorry. Mother's right.